Did You Forget Something?

I went out with a friend the other night and she said that she noticed that every time we go out, I always pat my pockets on the way to the car. I just smiled and told her that one day she would understand. Of, course, the worst thing one can do is leave a young woman with an incomplete and unacceptable answer.

So, I told her, "Truth be told, it has become a habit since the time I went to a nightclub without my wallet. Unfortunately, it was one of the few nightclubs where I didn't know the management. Fortunately, the woman I was with had cash and paid the bill."

As I realized that I didn't think my answer through, her first question (which should have been obvious to me) was, "Who was the woman?" After a number of "shuffles", I allayed her concerns about the other woman.

The fact of the matter is that I have always been prone to forgetting something or leaving something at home. For this reason, I have always followed the example set by my mother, who always counted heads before leaving.

It is a given that my carefully prepared shopping sits alone on the kitchen counter, patiently awaiting my return home, after I have done my grocery shopping. It is also a given that no matter where I am, be it home or in the car, my umbrella is in the opposite location.

The bottom line is that I have become accustumed to the pocket pat as it makes me stop and think before I leave.

As Friedrich Nietzsche once remarked, "The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time."

The News As I See It: Obama turned 53 this week. He blew out his candles and made a wish, but when he opened his eyes, much to the chagrin of more than half the nation, he was still president.

This week was also the birthday of Nascar champ Jeff Gordon. Jeff Gordon and Obama are very different, of course. One is a guy who spent his whole life turning left and is hated by NASCAR fans and the other one is Jeff Gordon.

Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian have ended their so-called feud after eight years. John Kerry said, "Man, that was rough. Now on to the Middle East."

Officials from Hamas and Israel have agreed to a 72-hour cease-fire. Of course, we won’t have true peace in the Middle East until there’s a cease-fire that lasts longer than a mattress sale.

This Date In History: 1806; The Holy Roman Empire ended with the abdication of Emperor Francis II. 1825 Bolivia declared its independence from Peru. 1926; Gertrude Ederle became the first U.S. woman to swim across the English Channel. 1945; The first atomic bomb used in warfare was dropped on Hiroshima, Japan.

1962; Jamaica gained its independence within the Britain Commonwealth. 1965; President Johnson signed the Voting Rights Act of 1965, which outlawed the poll taxes and literacy tests that had restricted black voter registration in the South.

1997; British prime minister Tony Blair and Sinn Fein president Gerry Adams meet—the first time in 76 years that a British leader and an IRA ally meet. 2003; Arnold Schwarzenegger announced his candidacy to replace Gray Davis as governor of California to Jay Leno on the Tonight Show.

2012; Curiosity, a SUV-size rover, successfully landed on Mars. The rover's research has been planned for the next two years, but since Curiosity's electricity is powered by plutonium, it could be operational and provide insight into Mars for decades to come.

Picture Of The Day: Incredible.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes and I can't remember the other two. 2) What kind of cruel, demented person put an "s" in lisp?  3) Sow your wild oats on Friday night, then pray for crop failure on Sunday. 4) I went to the National Schizophrenic's Convention. Anybody who's everybody was there. 5) Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 6th: Do not dwell on your personal pecadilloes. Everyone has their own. Keeping tic-tacs in your pocket lets people know you're more embarrassed of your breath than you are of sounding like a human maraca.

Birthdays: My friends Dinah and Guido - Happy Birthday 19XX, Alfred Tennyson, English poet 1809, Alexander Fleming bacteriologist 1881, Helen Jacobs tennis player 1908, Lucille Ball American actress 1911, Richard Hofstadter historian 1916, Robert Mitchum actor 1917, Andy Warhol artist 1928.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Ma was in the kitchen fiddlin around when she hollars out, "Pa, you need to fix the outhouse!" Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin' wrong with the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is now git out there and fix it."

So, Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "There ain't nuthin' wrong with the outhouse!" Ma replies "Stick your head in the hole!" Pa yells back, "I ain't sticking my head in that hole!" Ma says, "Ya have to stick your head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole and looks around and yells back, "Ma, there ain't nuthin' wrong with this outhouse!" Ma hollars back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" To which Ma replies "Hurts, don't it?"

An old man was walking in the street when he heard a voice say, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

The old man asked, "Where are you? Who are you?" The voice answered, "I am your guardian angel." The man replied, "Yeah? And where the hell were you when I got married?"

Things haven't been quite the same since Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs went their separate ways

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch sit with the workers and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said "Do you men know Jesus Christ?" They shook their heads and looked at each other.

One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?" One of the steelworkers asked why. The worker yelled "his wife is here with his lunch."

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. When she tried to take the step, she discovered that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more and, for the second time, attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

That's it for today, my little hot pockets. Remember, an old-timer is someone who remembers every detail of their life story, but cannot remember how many times they have told the same person. Th AREA 51 Th

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

The Chance Of Rain Is 100%

Maybe it's just me, but when I see paired animals walking two by two in a singular direction, I get a bit nervous. Maybe I'm overreacting, but I'm unsure of how long I can tread water.

Rainy days always remind me of an old girlfriend who was half Cherokee Indian. She was beautiful, but every time we had sex, it rained.

The weather reports suggest that the rain will be here all week. I'm hoping it clears up by the weekend. I can't really complain too much about the rain though. It's just God's way of helping me wash my car......

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan , was being interviewed by a liberal journalist, an animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it ‘Are you the one who killed my brother?’"

Nugent replied, "Deer aren’t capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the Democrats in Congress." That ended the interview.....

The News As I See It: The New York Times published an editorial calling on the federal government to legalize recreational marijuana. They don't really care about weed, it's just the only way they can keep selling papers.

Beyoncé's dad, Mr. Beyoncé, is teaching a college course on how to "Become the next Beyoncé." Beyoncé's dad explains the two-step process. Step 1, start a hugely successful girl group and sell millions of records. Step 2, fire the other girls.

Pope Francis released his top 10 tips for feeling happier. I didn't know Popes did that. Most of the Pope's tips were what I expected, like No. 7, "Respect nature." No. 3, "Be calm." Except No. 1 — start every day by watching the video of Justin Bieber getting punched in face.

Home Depot is now selling 3D printers, which customers can use to print out tools and parts. It's all part of Home Depot's plan to immediately go out of business.
 

This Date In History: 1735; Printer John Peter Zenger, defended by Andrew Hamilton, was acquitted of libel in a case that helped foster freedom of the press. 1884; Thomas Stevens became the first person to bicycle across the United States. He later bicycled around the world.

1892; Lizzie Borden's father and stepmother were killed with an axe in Fall River, Mass. 1914; Germany invaded Belgium and, in response, Britain declared war on Germany. 1916; Denmark ceded the Danish West Indies, including the Danish Virgin Islands, to the United States for $25 million.

1944; Anne Frank and her family were found hiding in Amsterdam by Nazis. 1964; The bodies of three civil-rights workers were found in an earthen dam, six weeks into a federal investigation backed by President Johnson 1977; President Carter signed a congressional act that established the Department of Energy.

Picture Of The Day: Pictures like this are one of the reasons that I thoroughly enjoy driving in the South.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Being dyslexic has drawbacks. I once went to a toga party dressed as a goat. 2) My divorce came to me as a complete surprise. That's what happens when you haven't been home in eighteen years. 3) My friend and his wife have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, they go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine and a romantic dinner. She goes on Tuesdays, he goes on Fridays. 4) My friend said to me, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art." I said, "Really? What kind is it?" He said, "Twelve-thirty." 5) My friend's wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So he went down to Goodwill and got all of her clothes back..... and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 4th: This week my start poorly, but it's going to be a decisive winner for you. Remember,  it's always darkest just before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Birthdays: My friends Jay from Walker Parkand Lolita - Happy Birthday 19XX, Percy Bysshe Shelley poet 1792, Russell Sage financier 1815, Louis Armstrong, American jazz trumpet virtuoso, singer and bandleader 1901, Raoul Wallenberg diplomat 1912, Robert Hayden poet 1913, Helen Thomas correspondent 1920, Billy Bob Thornton actor, screenwriter 1955, Roger Clemens baseball player 1962.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An airline pilot hammered his plane into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."

In light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" The pilot said, "Why no Ma'am, what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks the man, "What's going on?"

The man says, "Terrorists have kidnapped Obama and are asking for a $10 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse him in gasoline and set him on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving?" The man replies, "On average, about a gallon."

"Is that our school bus Mom?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when he decided that he really needed a new robe. After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, he went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for him.

A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and it was a perfect fit! He asked how much he owed. Finkelstein brushed him off, saying, "No, no, for the Son of God there's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor. Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor?"

Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever he spoke to the masses.

A few months later while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem , he happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes. He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted him said, "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business! Would you consider a partnership?"

Jesus said, "Certainly, Jesus and Finkelstein it is." Finkelstein replied, "Oh no. Finkelstein and Jesus. After all, I am the craftsman." Jesus said, "I understand, Mr. Finkelstein, but I am the son of God."

The two of them debated this for some time. Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful. They finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise. A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop:
 

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.

The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle...it makes your nose look too short." Love, Grandma.

That's it for today, my little furballs. Remember, you can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Born In Miami

I was born at Jackson Memorial hospital basically because it was the only one around. Dad told me that alcohol was illegal in Miami from 1919 to 1933, so for 14 long years, not a single person sang karaoke.

I started out as a child and we lived all over South Florida, beginning in Miami, to south Miami, then to Miami Springs and finally, Hialeah, where I spent most of my formative years.

Vague memories come to mind, one being going through the 1948 (or '49) hurricane in the stairwell of a building the locals called "Dr. Robert's Hotel." The building was on the Tamiami Trail intersecting where the not-yet constructed Palmetto Expressway would be today.

We abandoned our nearby house on one acre because of flooding concerns, as back in the day, there were no drainage canals and the flood waters were inundated with water moccasins and 'gators.

I recall my mother putting my brother and I in square steel washing tubs, lashing us to her waist and wading in mid-thigh water with us floating behind her to the mailbox. The reason for this was that it was common to have rats, snakes and/or 'gators seeking higher ground. They literally would enter the house.

There was another occasion in 1949 where my parents had friends over and while they were talking, Brother Kirt and I got into the family car. It was a stick shift Chevrolet and sat in the driveway which inclined down to a tool shed.

We were playing "Drivers" pretending to steer the car. For no apparent reason, I put my foot on the clutch and the car began to roll toward the tool shed. My mother told me later that she looked up at and saw my brother and I drive past the window in the car.

Fortunately, the incident scared my brother and I and we bailed out of the car. Once I took my foot off the clutch, the car chugged to a halt just before taking out the tool shed.

I once mentioned to my brother that we could write a book about our escapades. He, in turn, reminded me of several still-outstanding warrants.....

The News As I See It: A new study says that Republicans are more religious than Democrats. That includes Obama and everyone else praying every day for his term to end. Barry was in the news today crowing about his accomplishments(?) and deriding Congress for leaving on recess.

O'Bozo had to cut his comments short because he had to pack his bags for his 16-day vacation in Martha's Vineyard, Massachusetts, on a $12 million, 10-acre forested estate on the southwestern corner of the island.

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg told reporters that, despite her age, she does not plan on retiring and is likely to remain on the court for a while — after which she was immediately traded to the New York Knicks.

Congress is now getting ready to take a month off. They need to recharge their batteries for another year of gridlock.

A new study found that having a sense of purpose can actually help you live longer while having a sense of porpoise can help you swim longer.

Actor Orlando Bloom and Justin Bieber got into a fist fight during an argument at a night club in Spain. It was brutal. Mascara was flying everywhere. There were no broken bones, but sadly, a few broken nails.

Arnold Schwarzenegger recently had a birthday. Arnold celebrated quietly at home with his friends and his families.A new study found that most Internet-connected home gadgets and appliances are vulnerable to hackers. It's only a matter of time before your blender steals your credit card number.

This Date In History: 1876; Colorado became the 38th state in the United States. 1936; Adolf Hitler presided over the opening of the Berlin Olympic Games.

1946; President Truman signed the congressional acts that established the Atomic Energy Commission and the Fulbright Scholarship program. 1981; MTV made its debut at 12:01 AM. The first video shown was Video Killed the Radio Star by the Buggles.

Picture Of The Day: The Miami skyline

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right on my friend. Now he has to explain why a woman was screaming in his cubicle. 2) I like to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing. 3) I can't wait to finish today's post, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next. 4) I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I'd be willing to bet on any given Friday or Saturday night, more kisses begin with Budweiser than with Kay. 5) I told my doctor I had been noticing a burning sensation in my eyes and difficulty breathing after sex. He told me it was just the Mace.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 1st: The evidence for love is staring you in the face but you can't see the forest for the trees. If you find this is true for you, I think the best thing to do is to stop wandering into forests. Wandering is dangerous. Had this been an actual emergency, I would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified.

Birthdays: S. S. Kresge, merchant, philanthropist 1867, Jean Dubuffet, painter and sculptor 1901, Milton Friedman, economist 1912, Whitney M. Young Jr, social reformer 1921, Wesley Snipes, actor 1962, J. K. Rowling, writer and author 1965.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" Mabel pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

After eight days of backpacking with his wife, the pair were looking pretty scruffy. One morning, she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles.

She said to her husband, "Does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?" He thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches.

An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?" The alter boy replies, "Flat on his ass, Father, over by the holy water."

A man goes to visit a fortune teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic said, "You complain about your wife's constant nagging and yelling, yet you still remain married. There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your wife will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the man stares at the fortune teller's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. He took a few deep breaths to compose himself. He simply had to know. He met the fortune-teller's gaze, steadied his voice, and asked, "Will I be found guilty?"

** A Massachusetts man was arrested for illegally keeping over 400 birds in his home. He tried to keep it a secret, but he couldn't keep the birds from tweeting about it. **

That's it for today, my little tadpoles. Remember, never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

As the superstar country music singer-songwriter Hank Williams once said, I'm gonna "Move It On Over" to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Flying Is For The Birds

I hate flying! My reason is that I don't like the idea of crashing. I don't like crowded airports, waiting in line for a TSA employee to grope me, crying babies or long walks on the beach. Wait... Scratch that last one. That's from my eHarmony profile.

The good thing about traveling by car is that if you crash and don't die, you can crawl to the side of the road and lick your wounds. That particular remedy doesn't work at 30,000 feet.

I always arrive early for my flight because I don't like rushing around. The first problem I have is that I never know what to tip the skycap. Since I'm not rich, I don't like to over-tip but by the same token, I also don't want to have my bags sent to Honolulu when I'm going to Las Vegas.

My pre-911 plans after check-in always entailed finding the nearest airport bar and fueling up while the plane was being fueled up. This flight procedure allows me the intestinal fortitude to proceed with boarding the plane and put up with the long, boring flight ending presumably in the self-conceived crash.

After 9-11, I had to amend my rules for flying. It was hard enough for me to fly before and now I have to scout the potential passengers on my flight before I can board it.

Anyone whose speech sounds like he's gagging or clearing his throat becomes an automatic suspect. Some people may consider this profiling. I consider it self preservation. Anyone wearing sandals also becomes suspect unless the sandals are on a pale old man who's also wearing black socks.

Once on board the plane, it is very easy for me to find my seat. Using Murphy's Law, I know that I can automatically eliminate any vacant seat next to an attractive woman. Using the same logic, I can locate my seat by visually scouring the plane for a vacant seat next to a woman with a crying infant or a young child screaming at his mother for water, candy or any other unattainable item.

My personal belief is that everyone flying with young children should be forced to sit together along with all of the non-stop talkers. Any child under ten pounds should be Fed-Exed to their destination.
 

If I am seated and the seat next to me is still vacant, I begin my prayer to Saint Johnny Walker Black, the patron saint of flyers who drink in order to fly. The prayer asks that the vacant seat next to me be filled with a beautiful girl from Rio De Janeiro. If the said Brazilian girl is with a small infant, then I pray that she is a breast feeder.

Once aloft, I purchase the entire stock of souvenir bottle of Johnny Walker Black for my flight. The amount of scotch I consume is in direct proportion to whoever is seated next to me. If I'm stuck next to a non-stop talker, I normally ask them to excuse me if I don't converse with them because it causes me to barf when I'm drinking.

This ploy sometimes results in the talker requesting another seat which suits my purpose. The remainder of my flight is normally spent in a blissful coma unless, of course, the girl from Rio needs assistance.......

Ladies' News Alert: All men see in only 16 colors, just like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.....

The News As I See It: The New York Times published an editorial calling on the federal government to legalize recreational marijuana. They don't really care about weed, it's just the only way they can keep selling papers.

They said the government should legalize marijuana because the current laws against weed are useless and outdated. You know, like a newspaper. You remember newspapers, those things we used to read before Facebook asked us which sandwich we were.

Seventeen siblings from New Jersey won $20 million in the lottery. When asked how they plan to spend the money, they said, "Remodeling the shoe we grew up in."

There's trouble between Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. Friends say Kim has what they call the "two-month itch". Apparently the trouble began somewhere between the words "I" and "Do."

Comic-Con wrapped up over the weekend in San Diego. If you don't know, Comic-Con is the world's largest gathering of people who know the difference between a modem and a router. According to Time magazine, the number of women attending Comic-Con has doubled in the last five years — it went from four to eight.

This Date In History: 1619; The first legislative assembly in English North America convened in Jamestown, Va. 1729; The U.S. city of Baltimore was founded. 1932; The tenth modern Olympic Games opened in Los Angeles.

1945; The USS Indianapolis was torpedoed by a Japanese submarine and sank within 15 minutes. It was one of the greatest naval losses of World War II, resulting in the deaths of nearly 900 men.

1956; The phrase "In God We Trust" was adopted as the U.S. national motto. 1965; President Lyndon Johnson signed the Medicare Bill into law. 1975; Former Teamsters union president James Hoffa was reported missing. Many suspect he was murdered, though his remains have never been found.

1980, The Republic of Vanuatu, formerly known as the New Hebrides, gained its independence from France and Britain. 2002, Lisa Leslie became the first woman to dunk in a professional basketball game. 2012, 620 million people were without power in India, the worst power outage in world history.

Picture Of The Day: On the ground, I respect most pilots. While I'm white-knuckled flying, this is my mental image.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Sometimes I'm right. Other times my girlfriend is close enough to hear what I'm saying. 2) If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I'd probably pick living. 3) I just learned an important lesson: When texting "Wish you were here," that last "e" kind of makes it or breaks it. 4) Why is it that the people with the ugliest feet always wear flip-flops? 5) Although I'm still on my game, I think my wild oats are slowly turning into shredded wheat.....and that's five !

Bonus Sixth: Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.

Today's Horoscope: Leo - July 30th: Romantic gestures will flourish forth today from the cup of love you hold in your heart. Destiny will help you discover that you are not intended to be alone. Do not fret or languish, for chastity is curable, if detected early.

Birthdays: My friend Sydney - Happy Birthday girl 19XX, Emily Brontë ,author 1818, Thorstein Veblen, economist 1857, Henry Ford, American industrialist, pioneer automobile manufacturer 1863, Casey Stengel, baseball player and manager 1891, Henry Moore, sculptor 1898, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Governor of California, and pseudo actor 1947, Lisa Kudrow actress 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the man and asks how old he is. The old man responds, "I'm 85 years old."

The woman says, "85 years old? Don't you realize you've had it?" The old man says, "Oh, sorry. How much do I owe you?"

One evening a husband, thinking it would be being funny, said to his wife, "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your ass!" His wife was not amused and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. As a small dust cloud appeared when he shook them out, he said to himself, "What the Hell is this?" He hollered into the bathroom, "April, why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" She replied with a snicker, "It’s not talcum powder honey… it’s Miracle Grow."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "No matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Let's have a cup of coffee, then let's put all these Frosted Flakes back into the box."

The circus came to town and an ad for an animal trainer was placed in the local paper. Only two applicants showed up, a man and a woman. The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he would choose the one with the best act.

At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared, since she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, with a whip and a chair. She looked more like a model than a trainer. The man's only distinguishing feature was a soggy cigar stuffed between his cracked and leathery lips. The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said, "Ladies before Gentleman."

So the lady asked for her special music to be played, and once the music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping. She motioned the attendant to release the tiger.

The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. The young lady threw aside her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the day she was born.

The tiger then circled her, sniffing the air, then suddenly leaped toward her and put its face between her legs. She threw back her head moaning, holding the tiger by the ears with her thighs and rode on the tiger's face all around the cage.

Then the owner looked at the man and said, "That's quite an act. Think you can do better than that?" The man spit out his cigar and said, "You betcha! Just get rid of that damned tiger!"

That's it for today, my little kitty Kats. Remember, it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 1 to extend your middle finger and say bite me. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !