The Chance Of Rain Is 100%

Maybe it's just me, but when I see paired animals walking two by two in a singular direction, I get a bit nervous. Maybe I'm overreacting, but I'm unsure of how long I can tread water.

Rainy days always remind me of an old girlfriend who was half Cherokee Indian. She was beautiful, but every time we had sex, it rained.

The weather reports suggest that the rain will be here all week. I'm hoping it clears up by the weekend. I can't really complain too much about the rain though. It's just God's way of helping me wash my car......

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan , was being interviewed by a liberal journalist, an animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it ‘Are you the one who killed my brother?’"

Nugent replied, "Deer aren’t capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the Democrats in Congress." That ended the interview.....

The News As I See It: The New York Times published an editorial calling on the federal government to legalize recreational marijuana. They don't really care about weed, it's just the only way they can keep selling papers.

Beyoncé's dad, Mr. Beyoncé, is teaching a college course on how to "Become the next Beyoncé." Beyoncé's dad explains the two-step process. Step 1, start a hugely successful girl group and sell millions of records. Step 2, fire the other girls.

Pope Francis released his top 10 tips for feeling happier. I didn't know Popes did that. Most of the Pope's tips were what I expected, like No. 7, "Respect nature." No. 3, "Be calm." Except No. 1 — start every day by watching the video of Justin Bieber getting punched in face.

Home Depot is now selling 3D printers, which customers can use to print out tools and parts. It's all part of Home Depot's plan to immediately go out of business.
 

This Date In History: 1735; Printer John Peter Zenger, defended by Andrew Hamilton, was acquitted of libel in a case that helped foster freedom of the press. 1884; Thomas Stevens became the first person to bicycle across the United States. He later bicycled around the world.

1892; Lizzie Borden's father and stepmother were killed with an axe in Fall River, Mass. 1914; Germany invaded Belgium and, in response, Britain declared war on Germany. 1916; Denmark ceded the Danish West Indies, including the Danish Virgin Islands, to the United States for $25 million.

1944; Anne Frank and her family were found hiding in Amsterdam by Nazis. 1964; The bodies of three civil-rights workers were found in an earthen dam, six weeks into a federal investigation backed by President Johnson 1977; President Carter signed a congressional act that established the Department of Energy.

Picture Of The Day: Pictures like this are one of the reasons that I thoroughly enjoy driving in the South.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Being dyslexic has drawbacks. I once went to a toga party dressed as a goat. 2) My divorce came to me as a complete surprise. That's what happens when you haven't been home in eighteen years. 3) My friend and his wife have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, they go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine and a romantic dinner. She goes on Tuesdays, he goes on Fridays. 4) My friend said to me, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art." I said, "Really? What kind is it?" He said, "Twelve-thirty." 5) My friend's wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So he went down to Goodwill and got all of her clothes back..... and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 4th: This week my start poorly, but it's going to be a decisive winner for you. Remember,  it's always darkest just before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Birthdays: My friends Jay from Walker Parkand Lolita - Happy Birthday 19XX, Percy Bysshe Shelley poet 1792, Russell Sage financier 1815, Louis Armstrong, American jazz trumpet virtuoso, singer and bandleader 1901, Raoul Wallenberg diplomat 1912, Robert Hayden poet 1913, Helen Thomas correspondent 1920, Billy Bob Thornton actor, screenwriter 1955, Roger Clemens baseball player 1962.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An airline pilot hammered his plane into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."

In light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" The pilot said, "Why no Ma'am, what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks the man, "What's going on?"

The man says, "Terrorists have kidnapped Obama and are asking for a $10 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse him in gasoline and set him on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving?" The man replies, "On average, about a gallon."

"Is that our school bus Mom?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when he decided that he really needed a new robe. After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, he went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for him.

A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and it was a perfect fit! He asked how much he owed. Finkelstein brushed him off, saying, "No, no, for the Son of God there's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor. Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor?"

Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever he spoke to the masses.

A few months later while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem , he happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes. He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted him said, "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business! Would you consider a partnership?"

Jesus said, "Certainly, Jesus and Finkelstein it is." Finkelstein replied, "Oh no. Finkelstein and Jesus. After all, I am the craftsman." Jesus said, "I understand, Mr. Finkelstein, but I am the son of God."

The two of them debated this for some time. Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful. They finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise. A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop:
 

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.

The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle...it makes your nose look too short." Love, Grandma.

That's it for today, my little furballs. Remember, you can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !