Did You Forget Something?

I went out with a friend the other night and she said that she noticed that every time we go out, I always pat my pockets on the way to the car. I just smiled and told her that one day she would understand. Of, course, the worst thing one can do is leave a young woman with an incomplete and unacceptable answer.

So, I told her, "Truth be told, it has become a habit since the time I went to a nightclub without my wallet. Unfortunately, it was one of the few nightclubs where I didn't know the management. Fortunately, the woman I was with had cash and paid the bill."

As I realized that I didn't think my answer through, her first question (which should have been obvious to me) was, "Who was the woman?" After a number of "shuffles", I allayed her concerns about the other woman.

The fact of the matter is that I have always been prone to forgetting something or leaving something at home. For this reason, I have always followed the example set by my mother, who always counted heads before leaving.

It is a given that my carefully prepared shopping sits alone on the kitchen counter, patiently awaiting my return home, after I have done my grocery shopping. It is also a given that no matter where I am, be it home or in the car, my umbrella is in the opposite location.

The bottom line is that I have become accustumed to the pocket pat as it makes me stop and think before I leave.

As Friedrich Nietzsche once remarked, "The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time."

The News As I See It: Obama turned 53 this week. He blew out his candles and made a wish, but when he opened his eyes, much to the chagrin of more than half the nation, he was still president.

This week was also the birthday of Nascar champ Jeff Gordon. Jeff Gordon and Obama are very different, of course. One is a guy who spent his whole life turning left and is hated by NASCAR fans and the other one is Jeff Gordon.

Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian have ended their so-called feud after eight years. John Kerry said, "Man, that was rough. Now on to the Middle East."

Officials from Hamas and Israel have agreed to a 72-hour cease-fire. Of course, we won’t have true peace in the Middle East until there’s a cease-fire that lasts longer than a mattress sale.

This Date In History: 1806; The Holy Roman Empire ended with the abdication of Emperor Francis II. 1825 Bolivia declared its independence from Peru. 1926; Gertrude Ederle became the first U.S. woman to swim across the English Channel. 1945; The first atomic bomb used in warfare was dropped on Hiroshima, Japan.

1962; Jamaica gained its independence within the Britain Commonwealth. 1965; President Johnson signed the Voting Rights Act of 1965, which outlawed the poll taxes and literacy tests that had restricted black voter registration in the South.

1997; British prime minister Tony Blair and Sinn Fein president Gerry Adams meet—the first time in 76 years that a British leader and an IRA ally meet. 2003; Arnold Schwarzenegger announced his candidacy to replace Gray Davis as governor of California to Jay Leno on the Tonight Show.

2012; Curiosity, a SUV-size rover, successfully landed on Mars. The rover's research has been planned for the next two years, but since Curiosity's electricity is powered by plutonium, it could be operational and provide insight into Mars for decades to come.

Picture Of The Day: Incredible.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes and I can't remember the other two. 2) What kind of cruel, demented person put an "s" in lisp?  3) Sow your wild oats on Friday night, then pray for crop failure on Sunday. 4) I went to the National Schizophrenic's Convention. Anybody who's everybody was there. 5) Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 6th: Do not dwell on your personal pecadilloes. Everyone has their own. Keeping tic-tacs in your pocket lets people know you're more embarrassed of your breath than you are of sounding like a human maraca.

Birthdays: My friends Dinah and Guido - Happy Birthday 19XX, Alfred Tennyson, English poet 1809, Alexander Fleming bacteriologist 1881, Helen Jacobs tennis player 1908, Lucille Ball American actress 1911, Richard Hofstadter historian 1916, Robert Mitchum actor 1917, Andy Warhol artist 1928.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Ma was in the kitchen fiddlin around when she hollars out, "Pa, you need to fix the outhouse!" Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin' wrong with the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is now git out there and fix it."

So, Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "There ain't nuthin' wrong with the outhouse!" Ma replies "Stick your head in the hole!" Pa yells back, "I ain't sticking my head in that hole!" Ma says, "Ya have to stick your head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole and looks around and yells back, "Ma, there ain't nuthin' wrong with this outhouse!" Ma hollars back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" To which Ma replies "Hurts, don't it?"

An old man was walking in the street when he heard a voice say, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

The old man asked, "Where are you? Who are you?" The voice answered, "I am your guardian angel." The man replied, "Yeah? And where the hell were you when I got married?"

Things haven't been quite the same since Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs went their separate ways

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch sit with the workers and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said "Do you men know Jesus Christ?" They shook their heads and looked at each other.

One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?" One of the steelworkers asked why. The worker yelled "his wife is here with his lunch."

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. When she tried to take the step, she discovered that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more and, for the second time, attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

That's it for today, my little hot pockets. Remember, an old-timer is someone who remembers every detail of their life story, but cannot remember how many times they have told the same person. Th AREA 51 Th

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !