If You Even Remotely Understand, You Can Identify !

The advent of the remote control was a welcome breakthrough in technology and changed the lives of many people. It changed my life substantially as prior to it's invention, I was my father's remote control. It became rather pleasant not to hear the words, "Jimmy, change the TV to channel four."
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I recently received a new DVD player as a gift and with it came it's own remote control. As I was leafing through the instruction manual, I casually laid the "remote" on the table next to my recliner and when I turned to pick it up again, I noticed that it was somewhere in the midst of six other remotes. That's when the phrase, "Houston. we have a problem," began to echo in my mind. I looked again at the instruction manual for the brand name of the DVD player, picked up the corresponding remote and finished programming the DVD player.

My first reaction to so many remotes was the complexity, but I reasoned that as I used each piece of equipment, I would use the corresponding remote. What could possibly go wrong? Let me tell you what did go wrong!

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Scenario number one: I am watching the news and I have to go to the bathroom. I place the "universal" remote beside the "television" remote and walk to the bathroom. When I come out of the bathroom, there's snow and no picture on the television, however the sound is at its maximum. I look to the TV stand next to my recliner and my cat, Shithead, is sitting on the two remotes.While the television blares at ear-piercing levels, I begin pressing buttons and, of course, not a damned thing happens! After jerking the television electrical plug out of it's socket and yelling obscenities at Shithead, the room finally become quiet. After an hour of re-reading the cable and television remote manuals, I finally restore order.

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Scenario number two: After a great Friday evening in AREA 51, I return home accompanied by a lady friend. While pouring cocktails for us, my friend suggest that we put on a few CDs. She selects the music that she likes and I put them in the CD player. Unfortunately, dexterity is not one of the outstanding features derived from drinking Johnny Walker Black and the not only does the CD player fail to comply with my wishes, but the TV turns on with snow, no picture, and the obligatory highest maximum sound obtainable. Upon seeing this my cat, Shithead, hightails it for the closet thinking, "Boy, is she gonna get yelled at!" We unplugged all the devices and retired for the night.

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I'm told that the "universal" remote is the answer for so many other remotes, but I can't always rely on being of sound mind. I think the answer is somewhat like what my father used as a remote (that being me). I guess I'll just adopt a kid from India for use as my remote control.

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Friday has thankfully arrived and it's time for my sojourn to AREA 51. My car has been giving me problems lately, so I'm either going to go with my pal, Emilio or one of my lovely lady friends. With no offense to my pal, Emilio, I hope it's with one of the ladies. What the hell, I know how to work the CD player now.

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The Cat's Ass Trophy has no nominees this week as of yet, but I'm sure you guys will find a suitable nominee in the plethora of available candidates. Nominations are open until Monday at noon.

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This Date In History 1901; Schoolteacher Anna Edson Taylor becomes the first person to survive a trip over Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel, initiating a stunt tradition. 1945; Vidkun Quisling, the Norwegian politician whose collaboration with the Nazis during World War II made his name synonymous with “traitor”, is executed. 1945; The United Nations formally comes into existence.

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Picture Of The Day There's just something about sunsets in South Florida that just injects a bit of magic into the air. This is one of my favorites and I hope you enjoy it.

Birthdays James Sherman, 27th vice-president of the United States (1855) Rafael Trujillo, dictator of the Dominican Republic (1891) Moss Hart, American playwright and stage director (1904).

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The Hits Just Keep On Coming

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A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!""I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

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Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his testicles. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!"The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".

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A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name. "My name is Carmen," she told him. "That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men." The woman says, "And what's your name?" The man replies, "Beertits."

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That's it for today, my little fireflies. Have a great and safe weekend and more on Monday.

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Stay Tuned !