It's Fourth of July Weekend and that means Nascar racing from Daytona Int'l Speedway. If you've never experienced Nascar racing on a 2.5 mile banked super speedway, you're in for a treat. The Infinity Series will run tonight and the Monster Energy Series will run Saturday night.
Dale Earnhardt Jr., the sentimental favorite, shot to the top of the leaderboard Thursday in final Monster Energy NASCAR Cup Series practice at Daytona International Speedway.
An aerodynamic pull in a six-car pack carried Earnhardt to a lap of 193.328 mph in the Hendrick Motorsports No. 88 Chevrolet. Earnhardt, in his final full season of competition, is a four-time winner at the 2.5-mile track.
With so many talented drivers entered into both the Xfinity and Monster Energy race, lady luck and the ability to avoid "the big one" (Multiple car crash), may be the determining factor as to who wins the race, Good pit work and strategy will also be a factor.
Nevertheless, both tonight's race and tomorrow night's race will both be barn burners and the excitement of the close (200 mph) three abreast racing will keep you on the edge of your seats.
The XFINITY Series Coca-Cola Firecracker 250 at Daytona will start at 7:30 pm and be televised on NBCSN. The Monster Energy NASCAR Cup Series Coke Zero 400 at Daytona will start at 7:30 and be televised on NBC.
At what point in time did speaking grammatically correct go out of style? Forget the average person, I'm talking about supposedly educated people on TV. When asked a question, more that half begin their answer with "So,....." The word "so" indicates a continuance of a previous thought. Ergo, no previous statement, misuse of the word.
When I hear the respondent start his reply with "So," I automatically assume he's not an English major and repetitive use of same tells me he's a C-average Bachelor of Arts graduate. And just like typical liberal television, no one calls them on or says a word.
And don't get me started on the mispronunciation of "nucular" (nuclear) or "axe" (ask).. Even worse, I love to hear the phrase, "a hard 'road' to hoe." You don't hoe a road, you hoe a (garden) row.
The News As I See It: A man in Minnesota a man in Minnesota was arrested and he handed the officer a Monopoly "Get out of jail free" card. Then, when he got to prison, his cellmate handed him a card that said, "You won a beauty contest."
Former Georgia congressional candidate, John Ossoff, who spent over 23.6 million on his campaign (compared to republican winner Karen Handel's mere 4.5 million), said his loss for the Democrats last week shows that President Trump and chief strategist Steve Bannon "should be sweating in 2018." Sweating? Republicans are 5-0 in recent elections.
A giant cyber attack hit computer systems in Russia. In a related story, Hillary Clinton just had a great week at computer camp.
This Date In History: 1859; French acrobat Charles Blondin, AKA Jean Francois Gravelet, walked across Niagara Falls on a tightrope. 1908, A powerful natural explosion from an unknown cause rocked the Tunguska Basin, in eastern Siberia, flattening hundreds of square miles of forest and resulting in tremors that could be felt hundreds of miles away.
1921; President Warren G. Harding appointed former president William H. Taft chief justice of the United States. 1934; 1934
Adolf Hitler secured his position in the Nazi party by a "blood purge," ridding the party of other leaders such as Ernst Roehm and Kurt von Schleicher.
1936; Margaret Mitchell's Gone with the Wind was published.
1971; The 26th Amendment, which lowered the voting age to 18, was ratified by the states. 1998; The remains of a Vietnam War serviceman buried in the Tomb of the Unknown Soldiers were identified as those of Air Force pilot Michael J. Blassie.
Picture Of The Day: Dale Earnhardt Jr,, wins at Daytona
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I think I'm going to start a new business making T-shirts out of eyeglass cleaning cloth. 2) The only time I have worn boxer underwear was when I was in the Army. 3) (911): "What's your emergency?" (Me): "Do you think this shirt matches my pants?" (991): "Not funny, sir, I can track your call." (Me): "It's a phone booth inside a bar." (911): "Is that you Jimmy?" 4) My neighbor called my cat fat the other day. It took me two hours to convince her that she just had thick fur. 5) McDonalds should have a 3rd window where you can trade in the wrong stuff that they gave you at the 2nd window.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Cancer - June 30th: Keep an open mind because you may be getting a compliment from a member of the opposite sex that you may not understand. As long as it does not involve a whip, handcuffs and a gerbil, go with it. It'll probably be fun, Chance of romance is 44.57 percent. It can be higher if you don't mind the handcuffs.
Birthdays: Walter Ulbricht, Communist leader 1893, Czeslaw Milosz, poet, essayist and novelist 1911, Lena Horne, Jazz and pop singer, dancer and actress 1917, Paul Berg, biologist 1926, Mike Tyson, boxer 1966.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: There is an Internet warning issued by the Departmet of Homeland Security. If you get an email titled; "Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi," Don't open it! It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi.
Every time I walk into AREA 51 for happy hour, I can still hear my Mother's wise words: "Jimmy, don't pick that up! You don't know where it's been!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Linda for her contribution to today's stories.
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Mama, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"
An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The now widowed woman lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.
One day her son came into her room holding a letter, saying "I just got some news, Mom. The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"
His mother replied, "What do I think?" Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"
That's it for today, my little tadpoles. Remember, this politically correct thing is really getting out of hand. Now you have to refer to blondes with limited intelligence as a light-haired detour off the information superhighway. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
I hope that all my friends and readers have a safe and happy Fourth of July! (I'm available for barbecues.....)
Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.
More next week.
Stay Tuned !
A man stumbles to a bar and asks for a drink. Noticing the only other man at the bar, he tells the bartender to buy him a drink. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" The second man replies, "I'm from Miami, but my Dad was born in Alabama."
The first man says, "What a coincidence my Dad's from Alabama too! Let's have another round to Alabama." The second man says, "Good idea!"
Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Alabama is your Dad from?" The second man replies, "Tuscaloosa." The first man says, "I can't believe it. My Dad's from Tuscaloosa too! Let's have another drink to Tuscaloosa."
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?" The second man, "Hialeah High school. I graduated in '64." The first man says, "This is unbelievable! I went to Hialeah High too and graduated in '63!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. The regular says the bartender, "Hey Tom, what's going on?" The bartender says, "Nothing much, same old thing. Mondays are slow and the Sullivan brothers are drunk again."
The News As I See It: Following losses in two special elections, one Democratic staffer reportedly said, "We have 80-year-old leaders and 90-year-old ranking members. This isn’t a party, it’s a giant assisted living center." Even worse, the reporter then asked about the upcoming G7 summit and several democrats yelled. "Bingo!"
A Muslim model has become the first woman to appear in a hijab on the cover of Allure magazine. She also appears in a fashion spread entitled, "Ten Hot Looks for When You’re Detained at the Airport."
Ikea recently announced that it will be launching a candle collection, because what goes together better than Ikea furniture and an open flame?
It's amazing that that Dennis Rodman is visiting North Korean leader Kim Jong Un again. It's even more amazing that they are friends, especially considering Kim Jong Un doesn’t speak English and Dennis Rodman doesn’t speak English.
This Date In History: 1868; Christopher Latham Sholes received a patent for an invention he called a ''Type-Writer.''
1947; The Senate overrode President Truman's veto of the Taft-Hartley Act. 1969; Warren Burger was sworn in as Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court.
1972; Richard Nixon and H. R. Haldeman discussed ways to obstruct the FBI's Watergate investigation. Revelation of this conversation spurred on Nixon's 1974 resignation. 1992; Mobster John Gotti was sentenced to life in prison.
1995; Dr. Jonas Salk, the medical pioneer who developed the first polio vaccine, died. 2003; The U.S. Supreme Court upheld the University of Michigan's School of Law affirmative action policy.
Picture Of The Day: Many mango seasons ago.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) One of the few joys in life is seeing a barefooted kid step on his own Lego.
2) When someone's telling you a horrible story and they're crying, how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog? 3) If there isn't a Chinese millionaire that has changed their name to Cha Ching, then I don't see the point of money.
4) My friend's teenage kid said he wanted to go to JFK for some fried chicken. He won't be majoring in history, but it's nice to know he is scouting out his career options.
5) Starbucks should have a separate line for people who don't know what they want or how the world works..... and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Cancer - June 23rd: Don't trust little birdies, they're renown liars. The story of the tortoise and the hare will make you rethink things the coming week. Don't worry, the tortoise still wins because the hare doesn't read fairy tales.
Birthdays: Edward VIII
king of Great Britain and Ireland 1894, Alan Turing
computer scientist 1912, Wilma Rudolph
Track and Field 1940, James Levine
music director 1943, Clarence Thomas
associate justice 1948, Frances McDormand
actress 1957.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. The doctor says, "Impossible! Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? The young woman replied, "Well, no, I'm actually a blonde." The doctor said, "I thought so. Your finger is broken."
The married and had 6 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 4 more children. Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 2 more children. Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A farmer goes in half with a friend to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. A couple of weeks later the friend comes by to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't look at the cows. His friend suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.
The following week his friend returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks delighted and remarks, "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows!"
His friend says, "Wow! What did the vet do to that bull?" The farmer replied, "He just gave him some pills'" His friend asks, "What kind of pills?" The farmer said, "I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."
Disclaimer: This humor does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself, my company, my friends or my cats. Jokes subject to change without notice; jokes are slightly enlarged to show detail; hand wash only, drip dry; do not bend, fold, mutilate, or spindle.
Anchovies or jalapenos added to jokes upon request; your mileage may vary; no substitutions allowed; for a limited time only; quantities are limited while supplies last. Humor is provided "as is" without any warranties expressed or implied; user assumes full liabilities; not liable for damages due to use or misuse.
An equal opportunity joke employer; no shoes, no shirt, no jokes; read at your own risk; parental advisory: no purchase necessary; you need not be present to win; some assembly required; batteries not included; action figures sold separately; no preservatives added.
Use only with proper ventilation; for external use only; if a rash, redness, irritation, or swelling develops, discontinue use; avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool dry place; keep away from open flames; do not place jokes near flammable or magnetic source; avoid inhaling fumes or contact with mucous membranes; smoking these jokes may be hazardous to your health.
The best safeguard, second only to abstinence, is the use of a good laugh; joke text is made from 100% recycled electrons and magnetic particles; no animals were used to test the hilarity of these jokes; jokes are ribbed for your pleasure; slippery when wet; must be 18 to enter; possible penalties for early withdrawal; one size fits all; joke offer valid only at participating sites.
Slightly higher west of the Rockies; allow four to six weeks for delivery; if defects are discovered, do not try to fix them yourself, but return to an authorized joke service center; this disclaimer does not cover tornado, flood, hurricane, lightning, earthquake, and other Acts of God, misuse, neglect, unauthorized repair, damage from improper installation, typos, misspelled words, incorrect line voltage, missing or altered signatures, sonic boom vibrations, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts.
Customer adjustments that are not covered in the joke list, and incidents owing to motor vehicle accidents, ship sinking, airplane crash, accidental file deletions, projectiles, or dropping the item; other restrictions may apply. If something offends you, lighten up.
That's it for today, my little doodle bugs. Remember, regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.
More next week.
Stay Tuned !
I believe in peaceful protest, but if you approach me wearing a gas mask to disguise your identity, a bat-like weapon in one hand and a rock in the other hand, I believe I will shoot you. I will automatically assume you want trouble and I will oblige.
Peaceful protests should be allowed with the understanding that wearing masks and/or carrying any weapons mean immediate arrest, fines and jail time. It's time to quit mollycoddling these assholes and take the streets back for the peaceful good people of America.
I won't go into detail as to my feelings about protesters and thugs who block traffic for a supposed cause, sometimes throwing objects at the cars they force to stop. I will tell you that I have a solution to that problem and the word "braking" is not a part of it.
The era of political correctness is gone. Police should assemble en masse and take out any and all protesters who loot, destroy property and injure people.
The News As I See It: An 18-year-old field -goal kicker could be the first woman to play in the NFL. Scouts say she has the talent and desire. All she needs now is the criminal record.
A new study reveals that more than 2 billion people worldwide are overweight or obese. And at any given time, most of them are at Disneyland the same day as you.
An 88-year-old woman has set a new record for oldest female to stand on the wing of a flying plane. It sounds dangerous, but it’s actually the safest place to be when you fly United.
This Date In History: 1487; The Battle of Stoke ended the Wars of the Roses. 1858; Senate candidate Abraham Lincoln declared, "a house divided against itself cannot stand."
1904; Events in James Joyce's novel Ulysses took place on this day, which is celebrated as Bloomsday, for the main character, Leopold Bloom. 1933; President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the National Industrial Recovery Act.
1963; Valentina Tereshkova of the USSR became the first woman in space. 1996; Russia voted in its first independent presidential election. Boris Yeltsin eventually won in a runoff.
Picture Of The Day: A peaceful protest means no masks and no weapons. If you were to enter a bank dressed like that, you would be arrested or possibly shot.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My uncle used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got him fired.
2) Political correctness is a useless theorem that allows the few to endanger the many. It is only necessary when being polite while describing ugly babies. 3) I wonder how long it will take my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I gave her are types of lettuce? 4) It takes more than five words to say "I love you" in Hawaiian. All it really takes is a pineapple and twenty dollars for those in the know. 5) My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don't really like any of them.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Gemini - June 16th: If there's one thing you can take for granted this week, it's that things cannot be taken for granted. Of course, this excludes apparitional appearances by Ulysses or Cary.
The evidence for love is staring you in the face but you can't see the forest for the trees. I think the best thing to do is to stop wandering into forests and stand toe-to-toe with the one that attracts you.
Birthdays: Edward Davy, physician, scientist 1806, Stan Laurel, comic actor 1890, Barbara McClintock, geneticist 1892.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit Mexico. 150,000 Mexicans have died and over a million are Injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots. The European community (except France) is sending food and money. The United States, not to be outdone, is sending 150,000 replacement Mexicans.
An older man, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit and smelling of an exotic cologne, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is a younger, beautiful lady.The gentleman walks over, sits along next to her and orders a scotch. He takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years and then dies.
Once again, a ceremony is held and, at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, her husband cries out, "Watch out for that damned wall!"
A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a woman with a particularly large diamond ring. As he admired the ring, the bartender came over and said, "That's the Glopman diamond. It's beautiful, but it comes with a curse." The man asked, "What's the curse?" The bartender replied, "Mrs. Glopman."
That's it for today, my little chicklets. Remember, teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.
More next week.
Stay Tuned !
Pet food manufacturers should label their flavors as beef, chicken or tuna, but they sell to you, not your pet. So, they label them as "Tuna and Crab casserole" or "Chicken with white rice" I tried it once. It tasted like shit but it did help me with my hairball problem.
They hype flavors such as "Braised Veal with summer peas" or "Steamed Tilapia and Tuna In gravy." My cats have no appreciation for fancy names, basically because they can't read. They are, however, "telepathic" and know to come running when they hear the can opener.
A word to the wise. If your pets like it, let them eat it. They don't really care about the "Fancy" menu description.
The News As I See It: It turns out that Russia actually hacked the company that makes our voting machines. Which explains why anyone who pressed on the "Hillary Clinton" button heard a voice say, "Try again."
Walmart is offering a new service where employees will deliver items to your house on their way home from work. Not only that, they’ll also deliver the items in a Target bag so your neighbors think you have a little class.
A boy in Maryland was trapped in an arcade claw machine after climbing through the prize door. Luckily, rescuers were able to get him out after about 35 quarters.
This Date In History: 1870; Author Charles Dickens died. 1898; China agreed to lease Hong Kong to Britain for 99 years. 1934; Donald Duck made his screen debut in The Wise Little Hen. 1944; The Republic of Iceland was established.
1973; Secretariat won the Belmont Stakes and became the first Triple Crown winner in 25 years. 1978; After 148 years, the leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints allowed black men to become priests. 1993; Japan's Crown Prince Naruhito married commoner Masako Owada.
Picture Of The Day: The pals.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn't have been much use in bar fight. 2) If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you're probably holding the Taser wrong. 3) When asked to help the kids as to my theory on Amelia Earhart's disappearance, I said, "Maybe she went Black" and now I don't have to help the with homework any more. 4) My girlfriend would get lost less frequently if her GPS would say, "No, your other left." 5) In Australia, they say tuna, not tuna fish, because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available there.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Gemini - June 9th: This is not the week to speculate. Love comes when you least expect it. 36 percent of all romances start in the bathroom. These two facts are linked and we point them out for your amusement and as something to look forward to. Every day is a winding road, they say. This is especially true today when you find your love walking down a winding road.
Birthdays: Peter the Great, czar of Russia (1682–1725) 1672, Cole Porter, composer 1891, Robert McNamara, defense secretary 1916, Michael J. Fox, actor 1961, Johnny Depp, actor 1963, Natalie Portman, actress 1981.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs." Her companion replies, "Odd, but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. One nun says,"Two dogs, please." The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.
Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."
The mother superior is first to open hers.She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers, "What part did you get?"
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that," the husband explained, "My wife and I have a great relationship. She was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. She communicates well and I act like I'm listening."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A woman with really hairy underarms boards a crowded bus. Unable to find a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles.
A drunk man next to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells her, "I love a woman that does gymnastics."
The woman looks at the drunk and replies angrily, "I don't do gymnastics!"
The drunk man then looks at the woman and says, "Then how did you get your leg up so high?"
The bride got a little too drunk at her wedding reception but was still determined to say a few words of thanks to the guests for all their presents.
She stumbled through a short speech and then slowly turned to point to the presents on display, which included a coffee percolator.
She said, "...and finally, I want to thank my new parents-in-law for giving us such a beautiful perky copulator."
That's it for today, my little peacocks. Remember, don't burn your bridges behind you, but it's not a bad idea to loosen the bolts a little each day. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.
More next week.
Stay Tuned !
I've learned to live with the fact that my memory is no longer an asset. I can sing the words to all the old songs, yet I can't remember why I walked into the kitchen. I have to leave reading glasses everywhere I usually sit, ergo, the reason for today's picture.
I've learned little tricks along the way like acting like I'm leaving the kitchen and occasionally my subconscious gives up the secret as to why I'm there.
I've learned to always make a grocery shopping list because I never remember everything I need. This, of course, spawned a new game which I like to call, "Guess what's on the shopping list that that you left on your kitchen counter."
Fortunately, most memory lapses are harmless. I mean who cares if you put your TV dinner in the oven and neglected to turn the oven on. It's really no big deal as you realize you're about to pee into the dirty clothes hamper, but catch yourself before you begin, realizing you threw your dirty socks into the toilet.
Probably the best invention for the older crowd today is the remote on your car key pad that sounds off when you click it. This keeps people from wandering in parking lots trying to figure out where they parked. I've discovered that this particular plan doesn't work well in parking garages.
The moral to the story is that as you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes and I can't remember the other two.....
The News As I See It: Liberals and the liberal media are so angry that Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that they're going to read the Paris Climate Agreement immediately.
There's a new report that says more than half of American workers didn't use all their vacation days last year. They had them, they just didn't take them. So the people who did the study asked why. Some said they did it to impress their boss with their work ethic. The rest said, "I hate my in-laws".
This Date In History: 1886; Grover Cleveland became the first U.S. president to get married in the White House. 1924; Congress granted U.S. citizenship to all American Indians. 1941; Baseball great, Lou Gehrig died of Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, ALS, a rare type of paralysis now referred to as Lou Gehrig's disease.
1945; In Italy, a plebiscite rejected the monarchy in favor of a republic. 1953; Queen Elizabeth II of Britain was crowned in Westminster Abbey. 1997; Timothy McVeigh was found guilty of the bombing of the federal building in Oklahoma City. 2003; The European Space Agency launched the Mars Express probe. Contact with the lander Beagle 2 was lost in December.
Picture Of The Day: There's one good thing, though.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I accidentally totaled some woman's car. I saw her kid made the honor roll, so I let go of the wheel to applaud.
2) I once took a girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name. 3) I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
4) Years ago, I heard my wife yell from another room, "wrong hole". I was a bit taken aback until I realized that it was just my 4-year-old trying to squeeze his head through the sleeve of his t-shirt. 5) People on Facebook really get pissed when you comment on their hospital check ins with "Glad you're not too sick to post your status.".....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Gemini - June 2nd: You're a bit crazy. You always have been and you always will be. Change, and your friends will stop liking you as much. Weird dreams may haunt you for the next few months, but may not mean that you're completely crazy.
While you may think that this horoscope is completely useless. I have to admit, I have a very guilty secret. You see, all horoscopes are completely useless.
There - I said it. Now, Mrs McGinty, who taught me everything I know, will rue the day she said I couldn't make it as an astrologer! Curse you Mrs McGinty!
Birthdays: Martha Washington, America's First Lady, wife of President George Washington 1731, John Randolph
legislator 1773, Thomas Hardy
novelist 1840, Sir Edward William Elgar
composer 1857, Johnny Weissmuller
swimmer 1904, Barbara Pym
writer 1913, Cornel West
scholar 1953, Freddy Adu, Soccer 1989.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Three engineering students were sitting at a bar together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
The second student said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last student said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
In California, gas went to $5.00 a gallon.
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting home-bound patients when she ran out of gas. Fortunately, an Exxon station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.
The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas, and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptist ladies watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."
That's it for today, my little puppies. Remember, sarchasm is the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.
More next week.
Stay Tuned !
