This is yesterday's post, but I was waiting for messages to the Royals from my inside contact....Harry's best man and football team Captain. He toasted Harry and Meghan, "My apologies from the rest of the team. They couldn’t all be here today, good luck with Harry. We found him to be useless in most positions, but wishing you all the best for tonight."
He continued, "I do hope that you and Harry enjoy your honeymoon in Wales. I assume you’re going to Wales. When I asked harry his plans for after the wedding, he said he was going to Bangor for a fortnight?
A lot of celebrities were at the royal wedding this today, like Serena Williams and the Spice Girls. But Yanni had to RSVP no. He said, "I think I got the invitation by mistake. This envelope was addressed to Laurel.
The News As I See It: IKEA's launching a new credit card that offers rewards and perks for frequent customers, but it is a bitch to put together!
This Date In History: 1642; The city of Montreal was founded by the French. 1804; Napoleon Bonaparte was proclaimed Emperor of France by the French Senate. 1896; The Supreme Court affirmed racial segregation in Plessy v. Ferguson as "separate but equal."
1920; Pope John Paul II was born near Krakow, Poland. 1953; Jacqueline Cochran became the first woman to fly faster than the speed of sound. 1974; India became the 6th country to become a nuclear power. 1980; Mount St. Helens, in Washington state, erupted after being dormant for 123 years.
1994; Israeli troops withdrew from the Gaza strip after three decades of occupation and Palestinians took over. 2000; A bill was finally passed that removed the Confederate flag from the South Carolina statehouse. 2004; Sonia Gandhi stunned her party, the Indian National Congress, by refusing to accept the prime ministership of India.
Picture Of The Day: Meghan and her mother
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was really sweating. 2) According to Webster's dictionary, Duckling means "little duck".
As a result, I no longer eat dumplings. 3) Pretty much everything I know about Caribbean geography, I learned from that Beach Boys song "Kokomo." 4) I wonder why women don't get a wax during an epidural? it's genius and there's a ton of time to kill anyway. 5) If you don't think learning to spell is important, order a fragrance using the word "colon" instead of "cologne" on Ebay.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 18th : Life can be as romantic as you wish to make it. Like the old saying goes, a man with three fish has enough in his heart to help him build a picnic chair. You think I made that up, don't you? I work my fingers to the bone looking for old sayings and reading the stars and this is the thanks I get? That's it! No soup for you!!!!
Birthdays: Omar Khayyam, poet and mathematician 1048, Bertrand Russell, philosopher 1872, Margot Fonteyn, ballerina 1919, John Paul II, pope (1978–2005) 1920, Reggie Jackson
baseball player 1946.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you Sir?"
The drunk mumbles, "Yessh! Ssomebody sstole my car." The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" The drunk replies, "It wasss on the end of thisshh key."
An Italian, a Frenchman and an Englishman were discussing their previous night's lovemaking. The Italian said, "I rubbed fine olive oil all over my wife, then we made wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes."
The Frenchman said, "I rubbed sweet butter on my wife's body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour."
The Englishman said, "I covered my wife's body with lard. We made love and she screamed for six hours."
The others asked, "Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?" The Englishman replied, "I wiped my hands on the drapes."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "six." The judge then said, "I will give you six days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?" The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
A guy in a bar keeps hitting on an a lesbian who is waiting for her date. He just won't take no for an answer. The lesbian smirks and says, "Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing a man can do for me that my vibrator can't!"
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, let's see your vibrator buy the next round of drinks!"
That's it for today, my little rose buds. Remember, Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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I read a joke on Facebook today about cockroaches and those who fear or dislike them. Personally, I like most critters, but I'd rather fight a bear than have an encounter with a big cockroach. Here in Florida, the common variety is called a palmetto bug and the damned things can fly.
I rarely see a bug in my home, but when I do, it's usually the 14 pound variety. The other day, I see my cat Scooter stalking something with Samantha (my other cat) seemingly aiding and abetting him.
Curious, I investigate the commotion and find a large cockroach casually crawling around the kitchen. Samantha hangs back as Scooter lightly pats and toys with the critter.
Irritated, I grab a paper towel to catch and remove it, but Scooter picks it up with his mouth and high-tails into the bedroom and under the bed. I have no intent to get on the floor and look for the roach because some are known to carry guns and knives.
I go back to the living room and sit down to plan how to resolve the matter. I look up to see Scooter exiting the bedroom, sans cockroach, which means the little bastard is still under the bed. Declining to back into the bedroom, I grab a beer and sit in my recliner opting to sleep there until the cats finally do the intruder in.
The next morning, having forgotten the whole incident, I go into the kitchen only to find the roach dead on his back and both cats sitting proudly beside their kill.
The News As I See It: A study reveals A study reveals that the best way to add years to your life is to exercise, lose weight, and not drink too much. To which all of America replied, "What else you got?"
Starbucks should have a separate line for people who don't know what they want or how the world works.
The Duchess of Cambridge, Kate Middleton, had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had Taco Bell yesterday and couldn’t get off of the couch.
There's a whale in France that can say hello out of its blowhole and I still can't manage chrysanthemum on the first try.
This Date In History: 1809; Mary Kies of South Killingly, Connecticut, became the first woman to be granted a patent. The patent was for the rights to a technique for weaving straw with silk and thread. 1821; Napoleon Bonaparte died on the island of St. Helena.
1891; Carnegie Hall (then known as Music Hall) opened in New York City. Peter Tchaikovsky was the guest conductor. 1925;
John Scopes was arrested in Tennessee for teaching Darwinism. 1961; Alan Shepard became the first American in space.
1981: Bobby Sands of the Irish Republican Army died in a prison hospital on the 66th day of his hunger strike. 2004; Pablo Picasso's "Boy with a Pipe" became the most expensive painting ever sold.
Picture Of The Day: Thoughts for consideration.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If growing up in the '60s taught me one thing, it’s that my friends and I should have found that missing boy on the milk carton by now. 2) Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face. 3) I chaperoned my nephew's field trip to the farm today. Didn't lose any children, but this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home. 4) At this point, the only guy on the Internet that I trust with my personal data is that Nigerian Prince. 5) I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we lay making love, I thought. "These Taser guns are well worth the money.".....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 5th: The light is coming closer and soon you will see exactly what the future holds with a special someone. The light is a little bit blinding though, so you might want to duck out of the way when it gets within touching distance or possibly even turn around. But don't turn around for too long or the light will be gone. I'm pretty sure it's a light. I've discussed it with a other astrologers and it's either a light or a locomotive. Just in case, get out of the tunnel.
Birthdays: Soren Kierkegaard,
philosopher and religious thinker 1813, Nellie Bly,
journalist 1867,
Tyrone Power,
actor 1914,
Arthur L Schawlow,
physicist 1921,
Tammy Wynette,
country singer 1942,
Adele,
singer 1988.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A customer asked the clerk, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?" The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?"
He continued, "If I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?" The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
Two men are talking and one man says to the other, "I went for my routine checkup today." His friend asked, "Is everything okay?" The man said, "Everything was going fine until he stuck his finger up my ass."
His friend smiled and said, "That's normal procedure." The man replied, "So you don't think I should change dentists?"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump... Bump... Bump...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. Bump... Bump... Bump...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. Faster... Faster!... Bump... Bump... Bump...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket.... Clapping-Bump... Clappity-Bump... Clappity-Bump...
On his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding, his head is reeling, his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud crash the casket breaks down the door, bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket......and (wait for it)....the coffin stops.
A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Smelling of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window, handed it to the bartender and said, "I'd like to apply for the job."
He continued, "I was an F-4 driver, flying off carriers back in 'Nam, but when they retired the Phantom all the thrill was gone and soon they cashed me in as well. I learned to play the piano at Officer's Club happy-hour, so here I am."
The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try?
The seedy fighter-jockey staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced.
What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played. ''It's called 'Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You' "he said. After a long drink from the beer, leaving it empty, he added, "I wrote it myself."
The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light Up."
He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song,"Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Centerline", then he excused himself and headed for the bathroom.
When he came out of the bathroom, the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey, fly boy, the job is yours, but, do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?" The old fighter pilot replied, "Know it? Hell, I wrote it!"
That's it for today, my little tinker toys Remember, livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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More next week.
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