Noodlin'

There are people who swim in red muddy water and catch catfish with their bare hands. Don't ask me why, there just is. I mean, I can't imagine sitting in my trailer one Saturday morning, sipping a Budweiser and watching cartoons and think......"I'm going fishing"

Okay, been there and done that. But, I didn't jump into a river and tried to catch fish with my bare hands, I used a rod and reel. The sport of hand fishing or "noodling" as it's known has been around for some time now and, incredibly, is becoming more popular.

Noodling involves a spotter finding a catfish hole and the noodler reaches in and either shoves his hand into the catfish's mouth and, through the gills, then pulls him out or uses himself as bait by letting the catfish clamp down on him and then pulls him out.

I'm told that alligators, snakes, beavers, muskrats and snapping turtles sometimes adopt abandoned catfish holes as their new homes. Sounds to me like a recipe for losing some fingers and possibly an arm.

Some people insist that noodling is a survival technique that one might utilize in the case of a major catastrophe. Hell, they elected Obama, so I guess anything's possible.

All in all, to each his own. I have been known to wade into an alligator infested Everglades swamp to fish for bass. I'm not saying that I'm real bright, I'm just saying been there and done that.....

 
The News As I See It: Are you ready for Easter? Back in the day, I used to hide chocolate eggs for my kids and later in the day they would hide my Scotch.

Last Easter, Governor Chris Christie was rushed to the hospital. It was an emergency. It turned out he had an impacted peep. There was also some trouble at last tear's White House's Easter egg hunt. One kid looking for eggs turned up Obama's birth certificate.

Legendary singer Dionne Warwick filed for bankruptcy, claiming she has only $25,000 in assets but owes more than $10 million in unpaid taxes. She's angry with her at her psychics for not giving her a heads up. She owes 400 times what she has. She could end up serving three years — as the White House budget director.

A man has won an $8,000 settlement from Disneyland after he got stuck on their "It's a Small World" ride. The man said he'll use the money to cut out the part of his brain that won't stop playing "It's a Small World After All.

Former CIA director David Petraeus apologized for having an affair with his biographer. He said he hopes this begins a new chapter in his life. It got awkward when he said, "Any of you ladies want to write it?"

Obama told reporters that his NCAA tournament bracket is busted. Obama said they were the worst picks he's ever made — then he looked at his economic advisers and said, "Uh, maybe not."

An "Our Gang" Easter

This Date In History: 1848; For the first time in recorded history, Niagara Falls stopped flowing. An ice jam in the Niagara River above the rim of the falls caused the water to stop. 1867; The North America Act was passed by the British parliament, creating the dominion of Canada.

1951; Julius and Ethel Rosenberg were found guilty of passing atomic secrets to the Russians and were sentenced to death. 1971; Lt. William Calley was convicted of murdering 22 Vietnamese civilians in the My Lai massacre.

1973; The last U.S. troops left South Vietnam. 1999; The Dow Jones industrial average closed above 10,000 for the first time, at 10,006.78. 2002; Israel declared Yasir Arafat an enemy.

Picture Of The Day: Although this is technically a picture of Noodlers, I must admit that my heart is not with the catfish.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'll bet that when Hugh Hefner dies, no one will say, "He's in a better place." 2) If at first you don't succeed, try playing second base. 3) Duct tape can't fix stupid but it can muffle the sound. 4) I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability. 5) Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - March 29th: A romantic excursion to an luxury hotel and casino may be just the thing to spark up your love life this weekend. Cover the bed in rose petals, place some chocolates on your loved-one's pillow and bring some beautiful and flowers. Teepees are a saucy place to hide out and making love but it's really not the same ambiance and the room service is not as good. If you insist on gambling at the roulette table, play $5 on number 38.

Birthdays: My pal Ken - Happy Birthday ! 19XX, John Tyler, 10th president of the United States 1790, Cy Young, baseball player 1867, Eugene McCarthy, politician 1916, Sam Walton, retailer 1918, John Major, politician 1943.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An older couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" The husband replied, "Yep, in-laws."

Obama walks into a New York bar with a frog on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Hey, that's cool ! Where did you get it?" The frog answers, "In Chicago, there's thousands of them up there."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet,the store's merchandise wasn't in -- only a few shelves and display racks set up. One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you selling here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes." Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."

Old Mrs. Lipschitz went to her gynecologist and after her examination, she told him that she was worried about her husband's health. When asked about the problem, Mrs. Lipschitz said that lately her husband had developed a penchant for eating dog food.

The doctor said, "I wouldn't worry too much about that. As long as he eats other types of food as well, the dog food won't hurt him." The doctor's answer satisfied the old woman and she returned home.

About a month later, the doctor happened to see Mrs. Lipschitz at the shopping mall. He greeted the old woman and asked about Mr. Lipschitz. She said, "Oh, he's in the hospital in intensive care but the doctors say he's going to be fine."

Horrified, the doctor said, "My word, I didn't believe that eating dog food would hurt him. I hope that he didn't have a reaction to the dog food and was poisoned." Mrs. Lipschitz replied, "No, eating the dog food wasn't the problem. He stepped off the curb to sniff a poodle's ass and got hit by a car."

That's it for today, my little peeps. Remember, politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

That's it for now. Have a Happy Easter and a great weekend. More on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Government Logic - $432,664 Per Year?

Californians can't seem to figure out why the state is going into the crapper, but here's one of the reasons. Susan Muranishi, the Alameda County administrator, will be paid $432,664 annually for the rest of her life when she retires from her job in a couple of years. 

Muranishi, 63, has a life expectancy of 22 years more. When you calculate her pay package times 22 years, Alameda County taxpayers are going to be paying her well over nine million dollars in her retirement.

News of Muranishi’s payout comes at a time when nearby Stockton, is trying to enter bankruptcy. On Monday, the city faced off with its creditors in U.S. Bankruptcy Court to decide the issue.

Stockton is one of several California localities saying they’ve run out of money and can’t pay their creditors. Lawyers for the city announced Monday it has cut its budget and services and has no choice but to enter bankruptcy.

The News As I See It: The Supreme Court is hearing arguments on the constitutionality of same-sex marriage. It could be a major blow for those who believe that marriage should be between two bitter and overweight people of the opposite sex.

Happy birthday to retired Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor who just turned 83 years old. In a 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court wished her a happy birthday.

Poet Robert Frost also had a birthday, He once said that a poem begins as a lump in the throat. Maybe I don't understand the whole idea of metaphors and allegory, but if your poem starts as a lump in your throat, you should see a doctor. 

Harvard was knocked out of the NCAA tournament in the second round. But don’t kid yourself. This Harvard basketball team went somewhere no other team has gone.....to class.

A rattlesnake handler in Texas is recovering in the hospital after being bitten for the 12th time. If you’re a rattlesnake handler and you've been bitten 12 times, are you really a handler? Aren’t you just a guy who doesn’t know how to pick up snakes?

Monday was the beginning of the eight-day Jewish holiday of Passover, when God freed the Jews from slavery in Egypt. In other words, history's first spring break. They left Egypt and went to Florida.....and they're still there.

Secretary of State John Kerry..... what do you think? Is he getting the job done? I don't know. It's hard to trust a secretary of state who is not wearing a pantsuit. Kerry recently visited Iraq and Afghanistan. Meanwhile, Israeli President Benjamin Netanyahu is met with Dennis Rodman.

There's a growing trend of older Americans who are using marijuana in their retirement. That makes sense because old people are always talking about their joints. I guess the marijuana trend explains why White Castle is now offering an early bird special.

This Date In History: 1794; Congress authorizes the construction of six frigates, including the Constitution (Old Ironsides), for the U.S. Navy. 1866; President Andrew Johnson vetoed a civil rights bill which later became the 14th amendment. 1884; The first long-distance telephone call was made, between Boston and New York.

1917; The Seattle Metropolitans became the first U.S. hockey team to win the Stanley Cup. 1958; Nikita Khrushchev became Soviet premier and first secretary of the Communist Party. 1964; A 9.2 magnitude earthquake hit 80 miles east of Anchorage, Alaska, killing 117 and producing a 50-foot tsunami that traveled over 8,000 miles.

1977; Pan American and KLM Boeing 747s collided on a runway in Santa Cruz de Tenerife, Canary Islands. The 542 people killed is the highest ever for an aviation disaster. 2001; A federal judge ruled that the University of Michigan’s affirmative action policy was invalid, a ruling that later would be reversed in an appeal.

Picture Of The Day: Cutie Pie !

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) They say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. At this point in my life, I should be able to bench-press a Buick. 2) As much as I dislike Obama, do you realize that we are just one heart beat away from President Biden? 3) I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. 4) They call it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken. 5) Foreign Aid is the transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - March 27th: Dogs can be a man's best friend or a woman's best friend. They could also be a child's best friend or a cat's best friend. Actually, dogs are totally flexible. The post office is going to be lucky for you today as a mystery package arrives for you that, for once, is neither ticking nor covered in mysterious powder. Love will no longer be just another four-letter-word to you today as you will start to understand why birds suddenly appear every time someone nears.

Birthdays: Nathaniel Currier, lithographer 1813, Wilhelm Conrad Roentgen, physicist 1845, Ludwig Mies van der Rohe, architect 1886, Louis Simpson, poet 1923, Sarah Vaughan, singer 1924, Michael York, actor 1942, Quentin Tarantino, filmmaker 1963, Mariah Carey, singer 1970.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man was fishing in his boat one day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up." He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?" The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, "Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride." He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "No, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

Little johnny comes down for breakfast and his mother asks him if he has done his chores. Little Johnny replied, "Not yet." His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.

Little Johnny get angry so he goes to feed the chickens and he kicks a chicken. He goes off to feed the cows and he kicks a cow. Then he goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

Little Johnny asks, "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk on my cereal?" His mother says, "I saw you kick the chicken so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he is walking into the kitchen. Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile and says, "Are you going to tell him or should I?"
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A judge was interviewing a Louisiana woman regarding her pending divorce and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." The judge said, "No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?" She responded, "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar."

The judge continued, "I mean, What are your relations like?" She said, "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town and so do my husband's parents." The judge said, "Do you have a real grudge?" She replied, "No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

The judge tried again, "Please, is there any infidelity in your marriage?" The woman said, "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." The judge said, "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" She responded, "Yes, about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" She replied, "Oh, I don't want a divorce. I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

The finals of the National Youth Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a student going to one of the finest private schools in the nation. From an upper-crust family, he was well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a Detroit boy who was going into the 5th grade for the 8th time.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu."

The private school student went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem: "Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination -- Timbuktu." The audience went wild!

They wondered how the Detroit boy could top that?! The clock started again and the Detroit boy sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited: "Tim and me, a-huntin' went. Met three girls in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu"

That's it for today, my little pop tarts. Remember, a positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Leave Punxsutawney Phil Alone !

Spring is late and everyone wants to blame Punxsutawney Phil, the famous Pennsylvania groundhog. Phil was indicted on federal charges of fraud Monday, a culmination of a two-month-long investigation. The hoodwinking groundhog is charged with misrepresentation of early spring, a felony against the peace and dignity of all Americans.

In his defense, Phil said, "Oh sure, blame me! after all, I'm the one with the weather satellites, nightly news and a degree in meteorology. Yep, my muddy hole in the ground is just filled with weather prediction equipment. I can see why you ask me every year for my weather prediction. My bad! By the way, aren't you the same people who voted for Obama?"

The News As I See It: The movie "SpringBreakers" is now in theaters. It features robbery, arrests, drug use, alcohol, illicit sex.....or as Lindsay Lohan calls it, getting ready for trial.

According to a new survey, the average member of Congress can speak only at a 10th-grade level. That's worse than it sounds, because the average 10th grader can speak only at a 5th-grade level.

A company in North Carolina is selling a $60 IQ test that people can give their dogs. If you spend 60 bucks on a dog IQ test, maybe you should take that IQ test. There's no way I'd make my dog take an IQ test. He's already busy enough doing my taxes.

Jay Leno is allegedly feuding with NBC. I think it’s going to be OK. To make it up to Leno, NBC is sending him and his wife on an all-expenses-paid Carnival cruise.
 

This Date In History: 1634; Maryland was founded by settlers sent by the late Lord Baltimore. 1894; Jacob Sechler Coxey and his "army" of unemployed men began their march from Ohio to Washington, DC. 1911; A fire at the Triangle Shirtwaist Co. in New York City killed 145 workers.

1931; The Scottsboro boys were arrested in Alabama. 1934; Horton Smith won the first Masters golf tournament at Augusta National in Georgia. 1957; The European Economic Community was established by the Treaty of Rome.

1965; The Alabama Freedom March to protest the denial of voting rights to blacks ended its journey from Selma on the steps of the State Capitol in Montgomery, Alabama. 1975; King Faisal of Saudi Arabia was shot and killed by his nephew.

Picture Of The Day: "Okay, now cough."

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) There is no "we" in "bacon"! 2) To err is human; to forgive, canine. 3) Being married is wonderful. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 4) My girlfriend asked me, "Do You believe in love at first sight"? I said, "At the first sight of what"? 5) Personally, I don't believe the world owes me a living, although for the amount I make, an apology would be nice.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - March 25th: Waiting for your loved one to come to you could be a big mistake. This is especially true for at least one person today, whose loved one happens to drive a very large bus and will suddenly lose the ability to brake while driving toward your house.

Birthdays: Arturo Toscanini, conductor 1867, Bela Bartok, composer 1881, Howard Cosell, sports commentator 1920, Simone Signoret, actress 1921, Flannery O'Connor, author 1925, Gloria Steinem, journalist 1934, Aretha Franklin, singer 1942, Elton John musician, singer, songwriter 1947, Sarah Jessica Parker, actress 1965.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes to play in the water. Shortly thereafter, the boy runs to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mother cleverly replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!" With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play.

Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some men with dongs a lot bigger than Daddy's!" "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!" she replies. With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play.

Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more he talked, the dumber he got!"

It was following the resurrection and disciples were still somewhat scattered about Jerusalem and the surrounding villages. John finds Peter and runs up to him. Excitedly he says, "Peter, Peter! I've got some good news and some bad news." Peter takes a hold of John and calms him down.

Peter says, "Take it easy, John. What is it? What's the good news?" John says, "The good news is Christ is risen." Peter says, "That's great! But, what's the bad news?" John, looking around, says, "He's really steamed about last Friday."
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, on his way out to the fields, the farmer says to Amy, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?" So the farmer leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down the barn. They walk along long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one. This one right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?" Amy explains, "That's simple. By the nail over its stall." Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?" As she walks away, Amy says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

A man was coming out of church one day and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed the man by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" The man said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." The Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service!"

That's it for today, my little cherry blossoms. Remember, a politician will stand for what he thinks people will fall for.

That's it for now. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

A "Spring" Egg Hunt? Really?

This "politically correct" crap is getting out of hand! Christmas isn’t the only holiday too hot to handle for school districts. Easter, another holiday rooted in Christian faith, is now being marginalized by governmental entities.

School districts and cities across America are holding “Spring egg hunts” and similar events, frequently omitting the word “Easter” from calendars and public announcements. Consider these:

• On March 16th, Flat Rock Elementary School in Anderson, South Carolina is holding a "Community Egg Hunt."
• West Shore School District will be holding its "PTO Egg Hunt" on March 16th.
• New York’s East Meadow Schools will be holding its "Spring Egg Hunt" on March 19.
• The Prospect Heights Public Library District in Illinois is holding its "Spring Egg Hunt" on March 26th.
• California’s Manhattan Beach Unified School District has its "Spring Egg Hunt" in late March.
• The City of Upland, California will hold its "Spring Egg Hunt" March 30. There are many, many more examples.

They’re detaching "Easter" from "egg hunts"? "Culturally sensitive" bureaucrats are further secularizing America by wiping Christian names off traditional community events. Really?

Like Christmas, Easter has become increasingly commercialized. Continuing to embrace the Christian rooting, we’re remember the real reason for the holidays.

I guess we'll just have to eliminate Ramadan, Kwanzaa and Hanukkah celebrations. That's politically correct, as well.

The News As I See It: A man in England has created a car that runs on coffee. What a genius ! Let's pick a liquid that costs even more money than gasoline. Since gas prices aren't high enough, let's add Starbucks to the equation.You know what that guy should invent? A Carnival Cruise ship that runs on human waste. That thing could go forever.

It' s springtime in America. Flowers are blooming, sundresses are coming out, and Taylor Swift is gathering up new boyfriends to last through the summer. Even though it's warm in Los Angeles, people still have to wear layers — at least until their plastic surgery heals.

It's spring break and kids have the week off. The kids in China get only six minutes off for spring break. How does spring break work for people who get their degrees online? Do they go to websites about the beach?

Obama filled out his NCAA bracket timely. He can't fill out a budget, but Basketball Jones is never late for March Madness. He picked Indiana, Louisville, Florida and Ohio State to reach the Final Four. He had Indiana to win, but Republicans in the House blocked that.

A new report shows that one in six Americans is now Hispanic. Well, the other five are also Hispanic, they're just not Americans.

A company called Dog Nation just launched an IQ online test for your dog. It covers understanding hand gestures and learning words. It's actually a secret IQ test for humans. If you pay $60 to give your dog an IQ test, you failed.

Fox is coming out with a new miniseries about the O.J. Simpson trial. It should be pretty entertaining for the people who don't know the full details of the case. You know, like the jury.

This Date In History: 1765; The Stamp Act was enacted on the American colonies by Britain. 1820; U.S. naval hero Stephen Decatur was killed in a duel with dishonored former Chesapeake captain James Barron.

1894; The first Stanley Cup championship game was played. The Montreal Amateur Athletic Association (which won the cup unchallenged the previous year) triumphed over the Ottawa Capitals. 1895; Auguste and Louis Lumiere first demonstrated motion pictures using celluloid film in Paris.

1945; The Arab League was formed in Cairo, by Egypt, Iraq, Jordan, Lebanon, and Syria. 1972; Congress approved the Equal Rights Amendment and sent it to be ratified by the states. The amendment would fail to get the required 38 states to ratify it.

1997; Comet Hale-Bopp made its closest approach to Earth in the skies over the northern hemisphere. The comet’s next pass is predicted for the year 4397. 2012; Amadou Toumani Touré, The President of Mali, was ousted in a coup d'état.

Picture Of The Day: Woodland Stream Nymph

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If a state trooper asks, "You drinking?", the correct answer is not, "You buying?" 2) Now that I’m older, my memory is a mighty fortress. Nothing penetrates it.  3) It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial cost and blame it on the cost of living. 4) Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance? 5) I have all the money I'll ever need - if I die by 4:00 p.m. tomorrow.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - March 22nd: Some people will confess a manic love for you today. One in twelve people that read this horoscope will find the same to be true. Serendipity is right around the corner, waiting for you to bump into it.

Birthdays: Bienvenido Santos, novelist, poet, activist 1911, Marcel Marceau, mime 1923, Pat Robertson, evangelist and politician 1930, Stephen Sondheim, composer 1930 Andrew Lloyd Webber, composer 1948, Reese Witherspoon, actress 1976.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" The boy replied, "Eight."

The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."

The doctor said, "I can't find a cause for your illness. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking." The patient replied, "In that case, I'll come back when you're sober."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One day a teacher was teaching religion, when she asked the class, "What part of your body do you think goes up to heaven first?" Two children rose their hand. One was little Johnny. Hesitant to pick on him she chose little Mary. Mary answered, "I think your heart goes first because, that's were your emotions of love are." The teacher said, "Very interesting. Mary."

Seeing no one else had their hand raised but Johnny, she finally called on him. Johnny said, "I think your feet go up first." Confused but relieved the teacher said, "Why is that?" Johnny replied, "Once when I walked in my parents room, I saw my mom with her feet in the air saying, "Oh God! If it hadn't been for Dad on top of her holding her down, she'd be in heaven"

Little Johnny had a cursing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, "Since Johnny's birthday is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants for his birthday. If he curses while he tells you his wish, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gift he requests."

Two days before his birthday, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted. Johnny answered, "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up and when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning against the damn garage."

The day of his birthday, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage. Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face. The next day, his friend asked, "What did you get for your birthday?" Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog, but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"

That's it for today, my little munchkins. Remember, the big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less. I'm going over to AREA 51 for some drinks and karaoke.

That's it for now. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

New York City's Napoleon Bloomberg Roars Again

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg must have one hell of a "Napoleon Complex." The diminutive 5' 6'' Bloomberg's "Big Gulp" law was dismissed March 12th by Manhattan state Supreme Court Justice Milton Tingling calling the law "arbitrary and capricious."

Undeterred by the collapse of his big-soda ban, Mayor Bloomberg launched a new health crusade Monday, proposing a law to forbid stores from publicly displaying cigarettes and other tobacco products.

Packs of cigarettes are a common sight in bodegas and delis. A Health Department report found that 80% of stores that sell cigarettes devote most of their space behind the register to tobacco displays.

What does Bloomberg care? He's a bored millionaire who has decided that he, and only he, knows what's best for New York City residents. Who cares how many small businesses it hurts. What are the stores going to put in place of tobacco? Candy? Condoms? Potato chips? Yeah, there's some healthy options.

2008 presidential candidate Hillary Clinton was not in favor of gay marriage. Probable 2016 presidential candidate Hillary Clinton is now in favor of gay marriage. Clinton's flip-flop opinion is being described by the liberal media as "evolving." Sounds to me  like someone is subscribing to moves taken from the Obama presidential campaign playbook. That is to say: Tell them anything to get elected, then simply renege.

The News As I See It: A 28-year-old woman from Serbia has a rare brain condition where she sees everything upside down. The good news? She's now been given a job at the White House as President Obama's economic adviser. She sees everything upside down. In fact, she thinks NBC is at the top of the ratings.

The new Pope was inaugurated this week. All of the world leaders were there. Joe Biden represented the United States. Germany was represented by Angela Merkel. And Dennis Rodman was there, of course. The Pope is urging compassion for those less fortunate. Of course, that means the poor, the indigent, and the oppressed and also Carnival Cruise passengers.

Happy belated St. Hangover's Day everybody. It's been three days since St. Patrick's Day, so if you're just waking up now, I'm sorry, I don't know whose apartment you're in.

To celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, Carnival Cruise had all their toilets overflowing with green water. The legend of St. Patrick is that he drove all the snakes out of Ireland — and they came to the United States and became NBC executives.

The guy who plays Satan on the History Channel's "The Bible" looks like Obama. Even Rush Limbaugh was outraged. He was like, "Satan's ears aren't that big!"

Tiger Woods announced he is dating Lindsey Vonn. Wow, what a new concept! A black guy dating a stupid blond white woman. Just when you thought Lindsay Lohan had a lock on the title of Lindsay with the worst judgment, along comes Lindsey Vonn.

Tiger said, "We have become close and are now dating. We thank you for your support and respecting our privacy." And the best way to keep it private is to post about it on Facebook. It's nice to see Tiger with a woman not holding a subpoena for a change.

There’s talk that "Today" show host Matt Lauer is the top choice to replace Alex Trebek when he leaves "Jeopardy." Or as Alex Trebek put it, "Who is Matt Lauer?"

This Date In History: 1602; The Dutch East India Company was established. During its 196-year history, it became one of the world's most powerful companies. 1727; English physicist, astronomer Sir Isaac Newton died in London at age 84. 1852; Harriet Beecher Stowe's "Uncle Tom's Cabin" was published.

1969; John Lennon married Yoko Ono in Gibraltar. 1985; Libby Riddles became the first woman to win the Iditarod. 1990; Namibia becomes an independent nation. 1995; Two members of the Japanese cult Aum Sinrikyo released poisonous gas in a Tokyo subway stop during rush hour, killing 12 people and sending over 5,000 to the hospital for treatment.

1999; Bertrand Piccard and Brian Jones became the first to fly a hot-air balloon nonstop around the world. 2003; Ground troops entered Iraq and a second round of air strikes against Baghdad was launched.

Picture Of The Day: "Woodland Nymph"

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Today is going so slowly my life is flashing before other people's eyes. 2) Whether you believe you can or whether you believe you can't, you're absolutely right. 3) To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. 4) When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. 5) Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 20th: Most of your body is going to become an erogenous zone later this week and you might be awkwardly caught out when even the slightest, even accidental, touch causes you to wet yourself.

Birthdays: My nephew Jason - Happy Birthday ! 19XX, Henrik Ibsen, Norwegian dramatist and poet 1828, Frederick W. Taylor, industrial engineer 1856, B. F. Skinner psychologist 1904, Alfonso Garcia Robles, statesman, Nobel Prize winner 1911, Carl Reiner, actor, writer, director 1922, Fred Rogers, television personality 1928, Bobby Orr, hockey player 1948, William Hurt, actor 1950, Spike Lee, filmmaker 1957, Holly Hunter, actress 1958.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man goes over to his brother's house, all bruised and his clothes torn. His brother says, "Man, where have you been?" The guy says, "I just got back from burying my mother-in-law,"

His brother asks, "How did you get all bruised and your clothes torn from burying your mother-in-law?" The guy replied, "She wouldn't lie still!"

Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls.

They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!" The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man wanted an attack dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.

After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage. "He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer. "Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have something better in mind for you."

They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage. "Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier." "Well, no," said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you." The men continued their tour.

Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He did not seem to notice as the men approached. "This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner.

The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed. "This dog seems quite tame. He doesn't act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he's just lying there, licking his ass!" "I know, I know," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."

A guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. When he opens the door, he encounters two sheriff's deputies, one of whom asks if he is married and, if so, whether the deputy can see a picture of the wife. The guy says "sure" and shows him a picture of his wife.

The deputy looks carefully at the picture and then gravely says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck." The guy says, "I know, but she has a great personality, is an excellent cook and lets me play golf whenever I want to!"

That's it for today, my little billy goats. Remember, there's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour.

That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !