Shinseki Resigns - Now Prosecute The Book Cookers !

Veterans Affairs Secretary Eric Shinseki resigned today in a personal meeting with Barack Obama. My guess is that he resigned rather than be fired. The retired four-star general resigned shortly after publicly apologizing for deep problems plaguing the agency's health care system.

Shinseki had been facing mounting calls to step down from lawmakers in both parties since a scathing internal report out Wednesday found broad and deep-seated problems in the sprawling health care system, which provides medical care to about 6.5 million veterans annually.

Now that Shinseki is out, let's move on to the number of higher-ups who intentionally cooked the books and left our veterans to die while awaiting medical help.

This problem has gone on for a number of years and several presidents and congresses were well aware of the malfeasance and failed to do anything to correct the problem.

Obama and his administration were repeatedly and specifically warned by the Bush administration that multiple VA medical facilities were "cooking their books" in an effort to cover-up the delay in treatment for our veterans. It's time to take care of the men and women of the armed forces and get rid of the assholes at the top!

Speaking of assholes, White House press secretary and weasel Jay Carney became the news instead of just delivering it today, when Obama unexpectedly interrupted the daily media briefing to announce Carney's resignation after three and a half years as his primary spokesman.

The reasoning for Carney's resignation is not clear at this time but it will mean that there's one less liar and spinner in the White House. More on Monday.

The News As I See It: Obama recently had lunch with Hillary Clinton. Hillary told the president, "After phoning my top advisers, I think I'll run for office." Obama said, "I know. I listened in." A lot of people in Washington were shocked by this Obama-Hillary meeting. I'm not sure about Nancy Pelosi. She looks shocked all the time.

The L.A. Clippers have been sold for $2 billion. Donald Sterling paid only $12 million to buy the Clippers. This deal is very uncomfortable for the former owner because it puts him in the black.

The mayor of New York, Bill de Blasio, has overturned the city's ban on ferrets. I didn't know you could ban ferrets. The mayor says he's trying to bring the hairy little weasels out of the shadows. Looks like Bill's just taking care of his family.

In a new documentary, Robert DeNiro reveals his father was gay. He realized it after he asked his dad what his favorite part of "New York, New York" was. And his dad went "Liza !"

Casinos in Las Vegas are taking bets on when Kim and Kanye will divorce. I think that is outrageous. It's terrible. But if I were betting man, I'd put 20 bucks on "fall sweeps."

Guys from the band "One Direction" were caught on video smoking pot. Sounds like the one direction they're going is straight to Bieber-ville.
 

This Date In History: 1431; Joan of Arc was burned at the stake as a heretic. 1536; King Henry VIII of England married his 3rd wife, Jane Seymour, 11 days after he had his 2nd wife, Anne Boleyn executed. 1911; The first Indianapolis 500 was won by Ray Harroun.

1922; The Lincoln Memorial in Washington, DC, was dedicated by Chief Justice William Howard Taft. 1998; An earthquake in Northern Afghanistan (and subsequent aftershocks) killed an estimated 5,000 and injured at least 1,500. A quake on Feb. 4 in the same area had killed about 2,300.

Picture Of The Day: There are few things that are as beautiful as a rainbow.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over. 2) I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house before they're 21.  3) Because of Twitter, people use words like Twitterverse, Tweeple, and Twitcide, which makes me want to twoot myself in the face. 4) A month ago I gave my cell number to a beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". She hasn't called. I think she's homeless. 5) I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to pee and get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Gemini - May 30th: You may think that that hot Egyptian was hitting on you but, it was just to lure you into a pyramid scheme. There's some truth that technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.

Birthdays: Alexander Archipenko, sculptor 1887, Irving G. Thalberg, movie executive 1899, Seton Howard Frederick Lloyd, archaeologist 1902, Mel Blanc, actor 1908, Benny Goodman, musician 1909, Gale Sayers, football player 1943.
 

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man shuffled slowly into the "Orange Dipper", an ice cream parlor in Los Angeles and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" The old man replied, "No, hemorrhoids."

Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first cowboy says his favorite position is the "rodeo". The other cowboy asks what the position is and how do you do it?

The first cowboy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get under way and she’s really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear: 'Your sister likes this position too.' Then try to hang on for 8 seconds."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself. He says, "May I buy you a cocktail?"  Maxine replies, "No, thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."

The man says, "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?" Maxine says, "No, they spread."

An older woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive. The doctor asks, "What about trying Viagra?" Mrs. Murphy says, "Not a chance. He won't even take an aspirin for a headache." The doctor says, "No problem, just drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on."

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went. Mrs Murphy says, "Oh it was terrible, doctor. I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible."

The doctor asked, "And that was terrible? Was the sex not good?" Mrs. Murphy said, "Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again."

A man stumbles up to a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Noticing the only other man at the bar, he tells the bartender to buy him a drink. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" The second man replies, "I'm from Miami but my Dad was born in Alabama."

The first man says, "What a coincidence my Dad's from Alabama too! Let's have another round to Alabama." The second man says, "Good idea!" Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Alabama is your Dad from?" The second man replies, "Tuscaloosa." The first man says, "I can't believe it. My Dad's from Tuscaloosa too! Let's have another drink to Tuscaloosa." The second man says, "For sure!"

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?" The second man, "Hialeah High school. I graduated in '64." The first man says, "This is unbelievable! I went to Hialeah High too and graduated in '63!"

About that time, one of the regulars comes in and sits down at the bar. The regular says the bartender, "Hey Tom, what's going on?" The bartender says, "Nothing much, same old thing. Mondays are slow and the Sullivan brothers are drunk again."

That's it for today, my little jitterbugs. Remember, sometimes, when you meet someone for the first time, you just know in your heart that you want to spend the rest of your life avoiding them. I'm heading to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

You Can't Resolve Mental Illness Problems With Gun Control

Washington Post film critic Ann Hornaday published an op-ed about Elliot Rodger, the retard who went on a female-targeted killing spree in Santa Barbara on Friday. Seriously? A (pseudo) film critic is also a practicing psychiatrist?

Hornaday attributed the source of the tragedy to Hollywood's domination by white men "whose escapist fantasies so often revolve around vigilantism and sexual wish-fulfillment (often, if not always, featuring a steady through-line of casual misogyny)."

In the piece, Hornaday specifically called out Judd Apatow as well as Seth Rogen's newest film "Neighbors" as guilty of breeding the misogynist attitude of sexual entitlement the killer possessed.

Although today's movies contain a lot of unsolicited and unnecessary violence, to blame this medium on the recent shootings is ridiculous, especially by such an uninformed source as a movie critic. After receiving scathing tweets and emails from Apatow, Rogen and countless others about her idiotic remarks, Hornaday walked back some of her comments.

Gun critics are already crawling out from under the rocks to link gun ownership to killers. Gun ownership is not the problem. Mentally deranged people are one of the problems along with illegal, unregistered gun owners (aka thieves and thugs).

America needs to realize that, unfortunately, some parents give birth to crazy morons. Not every child will be a Rhodes Scholar. Someone had to be the parents of the murderous Charles Manson, David Hinckley (President Reagan) and Mark David Chapman (John Lennon). Oops, I almost forgot O.J. Simpson (Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman).

Let's face the facts. Mental illness is often unnoticed, overlooked and/or misdiagnosed and these people have and will continue to walk amongst us. Gun control will not add or subtract in addressing this problem, no more than banning matches will stop forest fires.....

On Friday: We'll dig deeper into the VA Administration scandal and what is or is not being done to correct the problem.

The Red Cross knocked on my door today and asked if I would contribute towards the floods in Afghanistan and Pakistan. I said I'd love to, but my garden hose only reaches the driveway.

The News As I See It: Kim and Kanye got married. To them I'd like to say, "Congratulations on your wedding unless this is a rerun, in which case my condolences on your divorce." They got married in Florence. The name Florence holds special meaning for Kim because it's the name that Bruce Jenner goes by.

Congratulations to the remarkable Jessie White. She's a woman from Maine who just graduated college, and she's 99 years old. Jessie White was asked what she was going to wear to her first job interview. She said "Depends."

This Date In History: 1863; Robert Gould Shaw, leading the first northern all-black regiment, leaves Boston for the Civil War. 1929; The first all-color, full-length talking picture, "On With the Show!", debuted.

1934; The Dionne quintuplets were born in Ontario, Canada. 1957; Baseball owners voted to allow the Brooklyn Dodgers and New York Giants to move to Los Angeles and San Francisco, respectively. Many New Yorkers still haven’t recovered.

1987; Mathias Rust, a 19-year-old pilot from West Germany, landed his private plane in Moscow’s Red Square. He was arrested and sentenced to four years in a labor camp, but was released after just one.

1997; Linda Finch completed Amelia Earhart's attempted around-the-world flight. 1998; Pakistan staged nuclear tests in response to India's nuclear tests two weeks earlier.

Picture Of The Day: "50 Cent", the (c)rap star was comically off target when he threw out the ceremonial first pitch Tuesday night before the Pittsburgh Pirates played the New York Mets at Citi Field. His pitch sailed way wide of Mets catcher Anthony Recker, bounced to the backstop and nearly nicked a cameraman. Evidently, his pitching abilities are about as good as his music.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Sex Education should require people to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours and watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again. 2) I never appreciated my son's teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework. 3) I think that you should substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows, verbatim. 4) Poetry would be a lot harder if violets were orange. 5) I've learned a lot about women over the years. For example, if you're going to the hospital for a gunshot wound and she asks for tampons, you'd better stop on the way.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Gemini - May 28th: Dogs can be a man's best friend or a woman's best friend. They could also be a child's best friend or a cat's best friend. Dogs are relatively flexible. You may wonder how this information is pertinent to you. Well, for one thing, you now know you have a pal who likes to chase cars as well. 

Birthdays: My friends, Marvin, Maylen, Paul and Ray - Happy Birthday all 19XX, William Pitt, statesman 1759, Thomas Moore, poet 1779, P.G.T. Beauregard, Confederate general 1818, Carl Larsson, painter and illustrator 1853, Jim Thorpe, American athlete 1888, Ian Fleming, author 1908.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: There was a woman who was very beautiful, except she had a hare lip. The woman was so embarrassed by her hare lip that she went into the woods to live all alone in a cabin, where no one would ever see her hare lip.

At the same time, there lived in the city a man with a wooden eye. He only had one real eye, but he was too poor to buy a glass eye, so he had a fake wooden eye made. He figured no normal woman would go out with him, but he heard about the woman with the hare lip and he thought maybe she would go out with him.

So he wandered through the woods until he found her cabin and he knocked on the door. He was still worried about his wooden eye, but he figured she wouldn't say anything because she'd be so sensitive about her hare lip. So he knocked on the door, introduced himself and said, "Would you like to go out with me?"

She was thrilled, because no one had ever asked her out before. He said again, "Would you like to go out with me?" and she said, "Would I? Would I?" And he said, "Hare Lip! Hare Lip!" And neither of them were heard from again.

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination and found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him.

The doctor said, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you." The man, "I know, but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Michele Obama and Oprah Winfrey were having one of those girl-to-girl talks. Michele says to Oprah, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Barack and there is no telling where he last had his pecker."

Oprah responded, "Just because I am aesthetically challenged (ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances." Michele asks, "Well, how do you deal with the problem?" Oprah said, "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I squeeze out the loudest fart I can."

That night, Barry was already in bed with the lights out when Michele headed to bed. She could hear him start to stir and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been holding back gas all day and was ready for him. She tensed up  and forced out one of the loudest disgusting fart you could imagine. Barack rolls over and says, "Oprah?"

Barack Obama walks into a Washington D.C. bar with a frog on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Hey, that's cool ! Where did you get it?" The frog answers, "In Chicago, there's thousands of them up there."

I met a girl at the bar last night and after an hour or two, I decided that we may have something in common. She asked me if we could go to Ikea. I am now more keenly aware of the difference between "one-night stand" and "one nightstand".

That's it for today, my little rosebuds. Remember, guns don't kill people. Cats don't sew mittens. Houses don't crap zebras. Lots of nouns don't verb other nouns. This isn't new information. AREA 51 seems like a good idea for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Memories Of The Vietnam Era

It was the summer of 1963 and my friend Pete and I left Miami for Bessemer, Alabama to take some things to Red Farmer, one of the original Alabama Gang founders. I had only heard of the Vietnam War.

It was a great summer, working on Red's race car and racing at Dixie, Montgomery and Birmingham International speedways. We skied, swam and fished in the Warrior River with Red, Joan and the Farmer family, along with Jackie and Faye Evans and Donnie Allison. Although we had a ski boat, Red also brought up his airboat and it was funny to see the reactions of people who had never seen one.

Pete and I returned to Miami three months later and although every man had to register for the draft, politics and war were not the highest topic of conversation, especially when you're 18 years old. My first job paid $5 dollars a day and I got a raise after two weeks to $6 dollars a day. Not much money considering I took a bus to work.

Later, I found a job at Pierce-Simpson Plastics that paid $1.25 and hour and in November, John F. Kennedy was assassinated in Dallas, Texas. Some time after that, I got a better paying job and eventually bought my first car, a two door midnight blue Ford coupe. It was a stick shift, which I immediately converted to floor shift.

One day, I got a notice from the draft board to come for a physical, which made me very nervous. after a few calls to my buddies, it turns out that all my buddies were getting the same letters. It was then that I started really perusing the news. One by one, my buddies either joined the armed forces or were drafted.

Fortunately, my brother and close friends came back safely, but a lot of men came home in black plastic bags. In all. more than 58,000 men and women gave their lives in Vietnam, along the missing-in-action and the countless others who were wounded.

Today, I give my honor and respect to the veterans of the Vietnam War, along with the heroes of all of the wars who laid everything on the line to defend America.

The News As I See It: Pope Francis brought a rabbi and a Muslim leader with him when he traveled to the Holy Land this week. Or as bartenders put it, "We've been expecting you."

Spoiler Alert: In the new "Godzilla" they're finally able to control Godzilla when New Jersey Governor Chris Christie closes down the George Washington Bridge.

After an earthquake damaged the Washington Monument, they had to do some sandblasting, have the graffiti removed and fill in the cracks with some sort of sealant. It's the same thing they're doing right now for Hillary Clinton."

This Date In History: 1521; Martin Luther's writings were banned by the Edict of Worms. 1868; President Andrew Johnson avoided conviction for impeachment charges of "high crimes and misdemeanors" by one vote.

1940; Allied troops began the massive naval evacuation of troops from Dunkirk, France, during World War II. 1959; Pittsburgh Pirates’ Harvey Haddix pitched 12 perfect innings against the Milwaukee Braves before losing, 1–0, in the 13th.

1977; George Willig, "the human fly," scaled the World Trade Center in New York City by attaching himself to the window washer mechanism and walking straight up until falling into police custody when he reached the top. It took Willig three and a half hours to make the climb, and $1.10 in fine, a penny per floor.

1978; The first legal casino to be operated in the United States outside of Nevada was opened in Atlantic City. 2003 Rwandans voted to approve a new constitution that instituted a balance of power between Hutu and Tutsi.

2011; Ratko Mladic, the former Bosnian Serb general responsible for the massacre of over 8,000 Muslims at Srebrenica in 1995, is found and arrested in Lazarevo, a farming town north of Belgrade, Serbia.

Picture Of The Day: The fallen.....never forget.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My therapist told me "Time heals all wounds". So I stabbed him and now we wait... 2) After having lived in terror all these years, Gloria Estefan's threat finally came true. I turned on my car radio and was brutally attacked by the rhythm. 3) I shot my first turkey Sunday. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section. 4) For the past two nights my stomach sounds like cat purring when I lay down. I'm terrified to Web MD this. I'm too young to have kittens. 5) The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it's a Chinese product that's lasted more than a month.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Gemini - May 26th: Chin up, best foot forward, that is, assuming you know which foot is best. If not, give it your best guess.

Three times a lady is a hell of a lot of lady, you might think. But later on this week you might thinking, "Well, now that just seems like a fairly standard amount of lady." And if you think that, well then, I will have done my job.

Birthdays: Washington Augustus Roebling, engineer 1837, Isadora Duncan, dancer 1878, Al Jolson actor, singer 1886, Dorothea Lange ,photographer 1895, John Wayne, actor 1907, Miles Davis musician 1926, Stevie Nicks singer 1948,
  

Dr. Sally K. Ride, American astronaut, the first American woman to travel outside the Earth's atmosphere. Her outer space voyage on the Challenger from June 18-23, 1983, was the third in the history of space exploration by a female astronaut or cosmonaut. She was preceded by two women in the Soviet space program, Valentina Tereshkova (1963) and Svetlana Savitskaya (1982) 1951.


The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old guy walks into a doctor's office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and 2 black eyes. The doctor asked,"What happened to you?"

The old guy said, "Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and she accidentally hit the ball into a cow field. When we went to investigate, I saw the ball in a cow's ass. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that's when I made my mistake."

The doctor looked puzzled and asked, "What mistake was that?" The old guy answered, "I said, 'Hey this looks like yours hun!'"

A man was being interviewed by a liberal journalist, an animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it ‘Are you the one who killed my brother?’"

The man replied, "Deer aren’t capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the Democrats in Congress."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign said "Where Am I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "You Are In A Helicopter."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer to the Seattle airport and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "You Are In A Helicopter" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless reply.

A farmer goes in half with a friend to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. A couple of weeks later the friend comes by to see how his investment is doing.

The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't look at the cows. His friend suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The following week his friend returns to see if the vet helped.

The farmer looks delighted and says, "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows! His friend says, "Wow! What did the vet do to that bull?"

The farmer said, "He just gave him some pills'." His friend asked, "What  kind of pills?" The farmer said, "I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."

That's it for today, my little buffalo chips. Remember, thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Memorial Day 2014 - Remember The Troops

Take the time this Memorial Day Weekend to remember the wounded and fallen soldiers, both past and present, of the Armed Forces. Moreover, remember the wounded warriors that continue to wait medical attention by the corrupt VA hospitals.

Ten years of war have created a backlog of soldiers who need attention and no president and no congress have ever seem to have the guts to address this appalling problem. Despite the flowery, meaningless speeches by Obama and Bush, the problem continues to grow.

The terrorist prisoners at Guantanamo Bay and countless illegal aliens receive better care and attention than the brave men and women who protect us. The government should be ashamed of themselves.

Memorial Day is a US federal holiday wherein the men and women who died while serving in the United States Armed Forces are remembered. The holiday, which is celebrated every year on the final Monday of May, was formerly known as Decoration Day and originated after the American Civil War to commemorate the Union and Confederate soldiers who died in the Civil War.

By the 20th century, Memorial Day had been extended to honor all Americans who have died while in the military service. I am proud to have served in the U.S. Army as well as my brother (Army) and my father (Coast Guard). God bless us all.....

For the auto racing fans, this is a big weekend beginning with Nascar Nationwide racing from the Charlotte Motor Speedway on Saturday. The Indianapolis 500 will be run on Sunday afternoon and the Charlotte 600 will be run on Sunday night.

The News As I See It: CNN had to fire an editor after discovering that she plagiarized 50 stories. CNN said, "Can you imagine if somebody actually saw them?"

A high school girl invited Joe Biden to be her prom date. Isn't that nice? However, her father is refusing to let her go with a guy who can't really describe what he does for a living.

According to a new survey, fewer than 2 percent of hiring managers said they were actively recruiting graduates with liberal arts degrees. Said liberal arts graduates, "Latte for Karen."

It’s Fleet Week, when New York City plays host to the crews of three U.S. Navy ships and two Coast Guard clippers. I hope all the troops have a great week because next week is Penicillin Week.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford's car was involved in a DUI. Somehow a woman named LeAnne McRobb wound up in his car. A McRobb ? It's half Rob Ford, half McRib.
 

The tomb of the Unknown Soldier

This Date In History: 1430; Joan of Arc was captured by the Burgundians and subsequently sold to the English. 1788; South Carolina became the 8th state in United States. 1830; The Baltimore and Ohio Railroad began the first passenger service in the United States.

1873; The North West Mounted Police force was formed in Canada. It would later be known as the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. 1911; The New York Public Library, at the time the largest marble structure ever built in the United States, was dedicated by President Taft in New York City after 16 years of construction.

1934; Bonnie (Parker) and Clyde (Barrow) were killed in a police shootout. 1945; Heinrich Himmler, head of Adolf Hitler’s Gestapo, committed suicide while in prison. 1949; The German Federal Republic came into existence.

Picture Of The Day: It's more than just a weekend barbecue. This weekend allows us to celebrate the joys of life because of the men and women who gave their lives serving America.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for 5 minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice. 2) My cat ate a bunch of Scrabble tiles and now I gotta follow her around the house because it's her turn. 3) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. 4) When I see a young guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he's homeless or just tired from break dancing. 5) (Operator): "911" (Me): "My wife is going into labor, what do I do?" (Operator): "Relax sir, is this her first born?" (Me): "No, this is her husband.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Gemini - May 23rd: Be careful of attractive people of the opposite sex seeking your seeking help. While your intent to help may be honorable, it may cause an argument. I once asked my girlfriend if she wanted help and she changed the subject and asked if a bear shits in the woods. Like I'm some sort of bear scientist or something.

Birthdays: Carolus Linnaeus, botanist 1707, Margaret Fuller, American writer and lecturer 1810, Alfred Pritchard Sloan, Jr., businessman and philanthropist 1875, Douglas Fairbanks, actor 1883, John Bardeen, physicist 1908, Anatoly Karpov, chess master 1951, Jewel singer, songwriter 1974.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Wally and his wife Diane listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Wally leaned over, touched Diane's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it honey?" And thus began Wally's life of celibacy....

 It was Saturday morning and John was just about to set off on a round of golf when he realized that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine was coming around at noon.

John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. A little girl's voice answers, "Hello?"  John says, "Hi, honey, it's Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" The little girl replied, "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."

After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!" The little girl says, "Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!" John says, "Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house." The little girl said, "Okay, Daddy!"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone and says "Well, I did what you said, Daddy." John says, "And what happened?" The little girl said, "Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."

John said, "Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?" The little girl answered, "He jumped out of bed, too. He was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause. "Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?"
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two hookers were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said, "Two hookers....$50.00" A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, "Jesus Saves". They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, "Well, that's a little different, it pertains to religion."

So the two women took their sign down and took off. The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two women driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read..."Two Angels Seeking Peter.....$50.00."

A highway patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hair in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that takes everything with it when you pull it off. Written in large red letters across the tape was the sentence, "Get well quick. From the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

That's it for today, my little sweet peas. Remember, some days you're the Titanic, some days you're the iceberg and some days you're that guy who hit the propeller on the way down. A visit to AREA 51 for happy hour is clearly an excellent choice.

Have a great Memorial Day weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !