Under Fire: Sitting In The Big Boy's Seat

I don't know what pisses me off more - Cory Booker's ignorant questions to Secretary of State nominee Mike Pompeo or the babbling questions by Congressional morons to Mark Zuckerberg.

The amusing thing in the questioning of Zuckerberg (who bluffed or spun his way around most of the questions) was that he sat on a four-inch-thick cushion to boost his height during his Senate testimony.

Cory Booker, a presidential wannabe, was way out of line with his racial and sexual questioning and methinks he was just looking for TV time.

Meanwhile, Senator Bob Menendez of New Jersey, wagged a finger at Pompeo about integrity. It hasn’t even been five months since a mistrial was declared in Menendez’s corruption trial, so many don’t see him as one who should be questioning the integrity of others.

The News As I See It: Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg completed two days of his congressional testimony about security breaches. Things got a little tense when Zuckerberg referred to each senator by their PIN number. 

The city of Anchorage, Alaska, has voted down a bathroom bill that discriminates against transgendered people. Residents said, "You know, it’s so cold here in Alaska we can’t tell what genitals you have anyway." 

A 112-year-old-man in Japan was just named the world's oldest man. He's very happy. He said he'll remember this moment for the rest of this week.

This Date In History: 1598; The Edict of Nantes gave religious tolerance to the Huguenots in France. 1742; Handel’s Messiah was first publicly performed in Dublin, Ireland. 1964; Sidney Poitier became the first African American to win the Academy Award for best actor.

1970; Apollo 13 announced "Houston, we've got a problem," when an oxygen tank burst on the way to the Moon. 1975; Civil War began in Lebanon when gunmen killed 4 Christian Phalangists who retaliated by killing 27 Palestinians. 1997; Tiger Woods became the youngest person to win the Masters Tournament.

2994; Barry Bonds hit his 661st homer, passing Willie Mays to take third place on the lifetime list. 2012; Kwangmyŏngsŏng-3, a North Korean Earth observation satellite, exploded shortly after its launch. The U.S. and other countries called the launch a violation of United Nations Security Council rules.

Picture Of The Day: The mere idea of sitting in a padded chair cracks me up. It's tantamount to the proverbial "comb over".

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Okay ladies, warm weather is here. Time to de-Sasquatch-ify your legs. 2) Love comes in all shapes and sizes. By the time love came to me, all the good shapes and sizes were taken. 3) If stupid was a disease, people would be dropping dead all over the place. 4) It gets scary when I start making the same noises that my coffee maker does. 5) We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I owned my own home.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - April 13th: The temperature will affect you this week in ways that I simply cannot foresee. I believe it will be the kind of temperature that requires the movement of clothing, either on or off, because it will be either hot or cold.....or possibly somewhere in between. You and biscuits are going to be inseparable today.

Birthdays: Thomas Jefferson, 3rd president of the United States  1743, Butch Cassidy, outlaw 1866, Samuel Beckett, playwright  1906, 1906 Eudora Welty, novelist 1909, Ben Nighthorse Campbell, U.S. senator 1933, Seamus Heaney, poet 1939.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans. Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different. Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan." The teacher asked, "Why aren't you an Obama fan?" Johnny said, "Because I'm a Libertarian."

The teacher asked him why he's a Libertarian. Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Libertarian and my Dad's a Libertarian, so I'm a Libertarian."

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?" With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me an Obama fan." 

During a recent press conference, a reporter with MSNBC hollered from the press corps, "Where is President Trump hiding his tax returns?" Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, astutely responded, "We've found a very secure place and I'm certain they won't be found."

The reporter asked sarcastically, "And just where is that?" Mrs Sanders grinned sardonically and said, "They are underneath Obama's college records, his passport application, his immigration status as a student, his funding sources to pay for college, his college records and his Selective Service registration. Next question?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!" The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

Some of you may or may not be aware that as you get older, your brain occasionally goes on vacation without letting you know. You eventually learn from this. Then, when you suddenly find yourself wondering where you are and why are you're there, you don't panic.

Rather, you stand there for a moment or two and try to retrace you last known position hoping to recreate the thought you may or may not have had. Additionally, you learn not to wear your dazed and bewildered look as this can lead to having predators follow you like buzzards over a dying animal. It also stops other seniors near you from laughing or pointing at you.

Early signs of this malady usually begin with simple things like looking for five minutes for your glasses only to realize that they are on top of your head. Another frequent mishap is to go from room A to room B and upon arrival, not having the slightest idea of why you are there.

Occasional loss of thought and the innate inability to remember some one's name are a constant bother especially when you can remember the words to every song written since the beginning of time.

But fret not my little puppies. In order to reach this stage, you have to have lived a long, full life with beautiful memories and a lifetime of both good and bad memories, usually more of the former and less of the latter. The best part is that eventually, you'll be able to hide your own Easter eggs and meet new friends every day.....

That's it for today, my little chicklets Remember, If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, call them up later when you’re drunk. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Diversification Doesn't Change the Product

Television and it's commercials are driving me crazy. I have become accustomed to the rhetoric of the fake news media, but now I'm seeing a multitude of no-talent shows and commercials that seem to have an agenda with diversification...brainwashing, if you will.

Shows are becoming boring, non-scripted crapola about pawn brokers, deeps sea fishing, dirty jobs and the like. These a merely slot fillers where the networks can pay low salaries and still get in their tainted, left leaning commercials. Fortunately there are still a few good shows that are worth watching.

Commercials are slanted with unreal diversification. Apparently, no commercial can contain one group of people. Watch the commercials and you'll see a hodge podge of ethnicity. I have all kinds of friends, but I have never seen such a ridiculous combination of characters in any public setting. I don't really object to the characters, but I do reject the underlying attempt at brainwashing.

The entire feeble attempt at disguising the underlying attempt to push diversification in commercials reminds me of the Google logo. Both disgust me.

The News As I See It: The makers of Pokemon Go have announced that they will use the app to encourage and reward players for walking around and picking up garbage on Earth Day. While the makers of Tinder have ALWAYS encouraged people to pick up garbage.

Mahatma Gandhi often walked barefoot which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, making him rather frail and with his odd diet he often suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

My girlfriend and I went camping this weekend in her SUV and two raccoons got in the car. Long story short, if you see two coons speeding in a 2011 Jeep Cherokee, email me.

This Date In History: 1830; Joseph Smith and five others organized the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Fayette, New York. 1862; The Battle of Shiloh in the American Civil War began.

1896; First modern Olympic Games opened in Athens, Greece. 1909; Robert Peary and Matthew Henson became the first to reach the North Pole. 1917; U.S. declared war on Germany and entered World War I.

Picture Of The Day: One can dream, can't one?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I like to make shopping lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what's on the list while at the store. It's a fun game. 2) A man started choking in the line at Wendy's today. Luckily the manager jumped into action and opened another register. 3) The waiter, I mean "barrista", said, "It's pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh." I said, "Ok, got it doo-shah." 4) If you play a game with your girlfriend where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with, choose a celebrity and not "Liz from Accounting." 5) I caught a cold and my doctor recommended coffee enemas. I can never go back to Starbucks.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 6th: Most of your body is going to become an erogenous zone later this week and the slightest, even accidental, touch may cause you to wet yourself. Thank goodness for Depends, huh?

Birthdays: Raphael Santi, major Italian Renaissance painter 1493, James Mill, philosopher, economist and historian 1773, Anthony Fokker, aircraft manufacturer 1890, Andre Previn, conductor, composer and pianist 1929.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Some women were gathered and the subject of the conversation turned to sex and then birth control. The first woman says, "We're Catholic, so we can't use it." The next woman says, "I am too, but we use the rhythm method." The third woman says, "We use the bucket and saucer method."

The other women asked, "What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?" The woman replied, "Well, I'm five foot eleven and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket and when his eyes get big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him."

Bambi, a blonde in her third year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her U.S. government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question, then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" Mabel pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

A young couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred. Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet to pee and neglected to notice that the seat was up. When she sat, she kept going!

She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her. She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to free her.

During the process, they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs.

Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem. When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way.

Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber, grabbed a stuffed bunny from the bedroom and placed it over his wife's exposed privates. The plumber walked into the bathroom, took a long look and said, "Well I think I can save your wife, Buddy, but the rabbit's a goner."

That's it for today, my little tadpoles. Remember, a word to the wise isn't necessary. It's the stupid ones that need the advice. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

Stay Tuned !