The Somalis Did It Again! Here's My Answer!

Somali pirates are towing a yacht toward Somalia after capturing the vessel carrying seven Danes, including three children, according to Danish officials. The sailboat was captured Thursday in the Indian Ocean, the Foreign Ministry said, according to news agencies. That was two days after four Americans were killed by Somali pirates.

Earlier today, Somali pirates commandeered a Greek-owned cargo vessel with 23 crew members, the AP reported, citing the European Union Naval Force. It said the MV Dover was hijacked in the northern Arabian Sea, 260 miles northeast of the the Omani port of Salalah, during a planned voyage from Yemen to Pakistan.

Meanwhile, Barack Obozo's administration and all the national news channels flood the air waves with incessant, non-stop coverage of the mideast uprisings. It seems to me that the government is more concerned about oil than the camel jockeys who live there.

The administration needs to take a little time away from the mid-east and worry more about America's problems and the debt crisis. Oh yeah, and send a few drones over to Somalia and blow every armed scum bag in a boat out of the water!

The News As I See It: The latest Libyan rumor is that Moammar Gadhafi is calling other countries to find a place to live in exile. So far, only Chile has offered to rent out an empty mine.

The price of gas is getting so high that a Beverly Hills gas station is selling it by the gram.

George Clooney says he's had sex with too many women to ever run for office. He was immediately made Prime Minister of Italy.

This Date In History: 1784; John Wesley issues "Deed of Declaration" formally establishing the Methodist Church. 1849; The steamship California landed in San Francisco, bringing the first East Coasters to the Gold Rush. 1916; left India. 1983; The final episode of M*A*S*H aired. It was the most watched television program history.

1986; Swedish Prime Minister Olof Palme was shot to death in central Stockholm. 1993; Four federal agents were killed in Waco, Texas, after they tried to serve an arrest warrant for weapons charges on Branch Davidian sect leader David Koresh, starting a 51-day standoff.

Picture Of The Day: The Academy Awards were last night and I found a few movie graphics that you may not have seen yet. Meanwhile, the White House is considering supporting same sex marriage. Experts are attributing the change to shifting public attitudes, recent court cases, and President Obozo catching a recent episode of "Glee". Just thought I'd add the graphic.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When I was married, we used to go twice a week to a nice restaurant, have some good food and few beverages. She went on Tuesdays and I went on Fridays. 2) I took my wife everywhere, but she always found her way back. 3) Foreign aid is the transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. 4) I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability. 5) Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.......and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Pisces - February 28th: Whether you want to or not, this week will have a journey in store for you. Although it may be true that you are being hunted down by pirates, you may wish to avoid using the name "Long John Silver". Changing your lifestyle and underwear are always a good start. Try to avoid low blows.

Your aim to drink eight bottles of water today may come crashing down on you when you're stuck in traffic later this week. Lunchtime is the best time of day for you today. I can promise that you won't die within the next two days. If you are at all paranoid about webcams being placed around your room, your best bet is to hire a small specially trained monkey from your local gadget shop. They're small, cuddly and really don't poop that much.

Birthdays: Michel de Montaigne, essayist 1533, Rene Antoine Ferchault de Reaumur, physicist and naturalist 1683, Mary Lyon, educator 1797, Ben Hecht, writer 1894, Linus Pauling, American Chemist 1901, Bugsy Siegel, mobster 1906, Zero Mostel, actor 1915, Mario Andretti, auto racing driver 1940.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A man was driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gas station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a gas station and pulls over to the high octane pump. The attendant asks, "What can I do for ya'll?" The man replied, "Fill 'er up with high test."

While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. He asks the driver, "What kinda car is this?" The man answers, "This is a 2011 Cadillac CTS Sports Sedan." The attendant asks, "What all's it got in it?" The man says "It has everything. It has power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 32 valve, fuel injected 4.6 liter Northstar V8 engine."

The attendant says, "Wow, that's really something!" The driver asks, "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" The attendant says, "That'll be $70.17" The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off three $20's and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees.

The attendant asks, "What are those little wooden things?" The driver says, "That's what I put my balls on when I drive." The attendant says, "Wow, those Cadillac people think of everything!"

Jose and Carlos panhandle in different areas of town. Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day. Jose brings home about $100 a day, drives a Mercedes and lives in a big house. Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do but you bring home $100 a day. How's that?"

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?" Carlos' sign reads "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support." Jose says, "No wonder you only get 2 to 3 dollars a day." Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?" Jose shows Carlos his sign. It reads, "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. Bob says, "No he's in my bowling league."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" Bob answers, "I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says,"Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."

Bob's funeral will be on Saturday.....

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Billy Bob that she would send someone out right away. The operator asked, "Where do you live?" Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

A little country boy was sitting on the curb with a quart of turpentine and just shaking it all up; just watching all the bubbles. A priest came along and asked the little boy what he was doing. The little boy replied "Well, I'm a just shakin' the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, son, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water." If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby boy." The little boy replied, "Shit, that ain't nothin'. You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a motorcycle."

That's it for today my little licorice sticks. Remember, be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

The Waste Is A Terrible Thing To Mind

Does your day-to-day functions and chores interrupt your Facebook life? Do you find that you don't have enough time to maintain Farmville? Well, cheer up, Bucky, I've got the perfect answer for you. From the makers of ShamWow, It's the new handy, dandy Craputer.

Don't let minor necessities like urinating slow you down. Now you can dump your girlfriend or boyfriend on Facebook and take a dump at the same time. Additionally, Facebook is building a new cell phone. It's pretty good, except you can only use it to call people you barely remember from high school.

There are minor drawbacks to staying on Facebook 24/7. The Pentagon's concerned that Facebook could pose a security risk to U.S. military personnel. Apparently, there's no telling what al Qaeda could do if it knows what a soldier's five favorite romantic comedies are.

Even former president Georgie "Dubya" Bush, loves Facebook. Dubya, promoting his new book, recently visited the headquarters of Facebook. Unfortunately, he spent the whole visit on Farmville, clearing brush.

Facebook now has 500 million users. The previous record holder was heroin. Just think, if you give a person a fish, you feed him for a day. If you teach a person to use the Internet, they won't bother you for weeks. So, get with it Sparky! Get the new handy, dandy Craputer and and tag some pictures (Charmin toilet paper not included).

The News As I See It: Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says he wants to outlaw prostitution in his home state of Nevada. He said he wants to keep prostitution where it belongs — in Washington, D.C.

The price of oil is rising because of all the unrest in the Middle East. And the unrest in Wisconsin is causing the price of cheese to go through the roof.

Congratulations to Rahm Emanuel on being elected mayor of Chicago. His first order of business after taking office will be to actually move to Chicago.

Budget airline EasyJet apologized to Jewish passengers for only serving pork on a flight to Israel. Still, that wasn’t nearly as bad as their in-flight entertainment, a Mel Gibson double feature.

The king of Saudi Arabia announced that he is giving his people $37 billion in subsidies and payments. It’s not a stimulus package, it’s a "don’t overthrow me" package.

President Obozo has appointed AOL founder Steve Case to the White House jobs council. Hiring the founder of AOL is expensive, but Obama got a CD-ROM in the mail that offered 100 free hours.

This Date In History: 1570; Elizabeth I, queen of England, was excommunicated by Pope Pius V. 1836; Samuel Colt patented the first revolving barrel multi-shot firearm. 1870; Hiram Revels became the first black United States senator, taking over the term of Jefferson Davis.

1901; J.P. Morgan formed U.S. Steel Corporation, the first billion-dollar corporation in the world. 1948; Communists took control of the government in Czechoslovakia. 1964; Cassius Clay (Muhammad Ali) became world heavyweight boxing champion for the first time by knocking out Sonny Liston in Miami Beach.

1983; Tennessee Williams, American playwright, died. 1986; President Ferdinand Marcos fled the Philippines; Corazon Aquino took over the office. 1990; Violeta Chamorro was elected president of Nicaragua, a victory for opponents of the Sandinistas.

Picture Of The Day: President Barack Obama and wife Michelle were not among those to get a gold-edged invitation to the royal wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton. British officials said the attendance of the president would require too much additional security. Funny, as rapper Kanye West was invited – and he travels with as large an entourage as any president. Word has it that Barry and Michie will take a lesson from White House party crashers Tareq and Michaele Salahi and go incognito.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen." 2) Does time fly when you're having sex or was it really just one minute? 3) The reason that it is so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking is because those men already have boyfriends. 4) Impotence is Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings." 5) I have all the money I'll ever need - if I die by 4:00 p.m. tomorrow......and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Pisces - February 25th: The night may feel like a safe time to parade naked through the local city streets, however, you may find there are some that oppose your freedom. Horrible smells and green patches on your body may make your day turn sour. Body odor may haunt your chances with a certain member of the opposite sex.

Hearing clicking noises in your head is not a good sign for you today. Although you have been getting gradually more and more tired over the last few days, you'll find new energy this weekend. Any film you watch over the coming weekend will stay with you forever. Please ensure the film is not Tomb Raider.

Birthdays: Pierre Auguste Renoir, French Artist 1841, Enrico Caruso, tenor 1873, John Foster Dulles, Secretary of State 1888, Dame Myra Hess, pianist 1890 Anthony Burgess, novelist 1917, Bobby Riggs, tennis player 1918, George Harrison, musician 1943.

Here's my newest video. I hope you enjoy it. Remember to mute my music playlist located on the left sidebar.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: After eight days of backpacking with his wife, the couple was looking pretty scruffy. One morning she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles. She said, "Honey, does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?" The husband thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?" The husband, "She's my mistress." The wife says, "Well, that's the last straw! I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

Her husband says, "I understand, but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. His wife asks, "Who's that woman with Jim?" Her husband replies, "That's his mistress." His wife says, "Ours is prettier...

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.

The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "Hey, while you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."

A man left work one Friday afternoon but, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the whole weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When He finally got home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was berated for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough so that he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

That's it for today my little onion rings. Remember, life is like a bird in a tree. It's pretty cute until it shits on your head. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour and I'm definitely not going to park under that same tree as last time. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Somali Pirates And Other Things That Piss Me Off !

The four boaters that were being held hostage were massacred by Somali pirates. Pirates? This is 2011, not 1511. We have military drones that can blow a boatload of Somalian assholes into fish food. Three or four drones flying predatory missions would set an example. Spot the pirate boat, launch the damned missile and kill the Somalis. No warnings, just the surprise. They'll catch on after Mustafa doesn't make it home for dinner.

Attorney General Eric Holder announced today that a key provision of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) is unconstitutionally biased and will no longer be defended in court by Justice Department attorneys. But he assured members of Congress that the Clinton-era federal statute, which defines marriage as between only a "man and a woman" as "husband and wife," will continue to be enforced by the executive branch until it is either repealed by legislators or definitely voided by the courts.

President Obozo himself ordered the reversal of executive branch policy and position after determining that the marriage classifications contained in the statute could not survive under the strictest standards of judicial review.

Whether you agree or disagree with the law is moot. The point is that Obozo is the president, not the king. The executive branch approves and carries out laws passed by the legislative branch. The only body that can strike down the law is the Supreme Court. Someone should explain that to both Step and Fetchit.

The News As I See It: Rahm Emanuel won the election for mayor of Chicago. In keeping with Chicago tradition, his victory was announced two weeks ago. As mayor, he’ll have to keep his language clean. He wouldn’t want to sully the otherwise spotless reputation of Chicago politics.

Monday was Presidents Day, and I spent all day acting like a president. I took someone else’s money and spent it on something I don’t need. Presidents Day is a special day when we celebrate history by getting great deals on mattresses. In the middle east, it's called "Overthrow Your President's Day."

They say President Lincoln once walked three miles to pay back a penny. That makes him the last president to do anything about the debt.

Rush Limbaugh called Michelle Obama a hypocrite, criticizing her for eating ribs on vacation. Rush shouldn’t talk. He would eat his own ribs if you put sauce on them.

This Date In History: 1821; John Keats, English Romantic poet, died. 1836;
Mexican general Santa Anna began the siege of the Alamo. 1896; The Tootsie Roll was introduced by Leo Hirshfield.

1898; French novelist Emile Zola was convicted of libel and sentenced to jail for writing his "J'accuse" letter accusing the government of anti-Semitism and wrongly jailing Captain Alfred Dreyfus.

1942; The first Axis shelling of U.S. soil took place near Santa Barbara, Calif. 1945; U.S. Marines raised the American flag on Iwo Jima. 1997; Scottish scientists announced the successful cloning of a sheep, Dolly. Aye, McTavish, that's quite a lovely girl you've got.....

Picture Of The Day: Ya gotta love the picture of the day entitled "Mexican recliners." If you are in construction or have ever been to building material stores such as Lowes or Home Depot early in the morning, you'll know exactly why I laughed at this one.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I have found that the phrase "Help! I've fallen and I can't get up" doesn't have much impact at a bar. 2) Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? 3) Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. 4) Life's a bitch, because if it was a slut, it would be easy. 5) Deja Vu - When you think you're doing something you've done before, it's because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends.......and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Pisces - February 23rd: Screaming "Death to the Infidel!" as you're walking through busy airports or shopping centers, will leave you with bruises in special places. You will find that jumping up and down is great fun and encouraging others to do so is a fine way to make friends and see bouncing breasts.

Dumb waiters are not Afghanistani asylum seekers, rather, they are more apt to come across the Mexican border. You have cleverly structured an impressive set piece in your head. Put it into practice today and you'll quickly see the benefit. Don't worry. Be happy.

Birthdays: Samuel Pepys, diarist 1633, W. E. B. DuBois, author 1868, George Frideric Handel, German-English Composer 1685, Peter Fonda, actor 1939, Viktor Yushchenko, politician, president 1954, Crown Prince Naruhito, heir to the Japanese throne 1960, Michael Dell, entrepreneur 1965.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings. The little boy asked, "Mommy, what are all those ladies doing?" His mother replied, "They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work."

The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers. They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?" His mother answered, "They become cab drivers."

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father." The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many." The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!"

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds, and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Linda in Washington State and Pat in the U.K. for their contributions to today's stories.

There were three boys all in fifth grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a Southern boy. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Asian boy got an idea. He said, "I know, we can play, 'Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee'". The southern boy asked, "How do you play that?" The Spanish boy said, "It's easy. We can play it next recess."

So when recess time came, the three boys went outside. The Spanish boy said, "Alright, Lets play." The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest pee pee is the winner. So the Asian boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed. Then the Spanish boy pulled down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size as the Asian boy's.

As the southern boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe. "You win for sure," they both said. Later that day the southern boy went home and his mother asked him, "So did you make any new friends today?" The boy said, "Yep! I played this game called 'Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee' and the other boys said I won because I'm a southerner." His mother laughed and replied, "No sweetie, you won because you're 23."

There was a loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his daughter's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she'd take their granddaughter for the drive.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her mother who was still in bed. Her mother asked, "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" The little girl replies "Oh, yes, Mother, it was really wonderful. We didn't see a single asshole, blind bastard, dipshit or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "..and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy Shit! A talking pig!'"

That's it for today my little chicklets. Remember, your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

There's A Sure Way To Stop Somali Pirates !

Somali Pirates have hijacked another boat off the African coast. I must admit I have little sympathy for people who purposely go to barbaric countries for any reason. These countries in the middle east have been living and walking in dirt for more that 2000 years and their intellect is moronic at best.

Nevertheless, I still don't understand why ships in the area do not equip themselves with rocket launchers and blow anything and anyone out of the water who come nearer than one half mile.

I can assure you that after this happens three or four times, word will spread and the ignorant sons-of-bitches can return to their normal day-to-day routine of feeding on themselves.

As for public opinion to this type action, screw 'em. Political correctness ends when you attempt to board my ship and threaten my life. And legally, it's my word against yours. See you in court!

Congratulations to Trevor Bayne for winning the Daytona 500 on Sunday. Making his first-ever Daytona 500 start, the 20-year-old rookie held off Carl Edwards, David Gilliland and Bobby Labonte to earn the venerable Wood Brothers Racing team its fifth Daytona 500 victory and first since NASCAR Hall of Fame inductee David Pearson's win in 1976.

The News As I See It: A man in Colorado dropped an engagement ring down a sewer drain while proposing to his girlfriend. Up until then, his romantic proposal atop a sewer was going real well.

President Obozo was in San Francisco to meet with a group of technology executives, including Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg. Their goal was to figure out how to create new jobs, to replace jobs that have been lost as a result of everyone spending all their time at work on Facebook. The Prez hopes that, based on the success of programs like Farmville, a million new imaginary jobs can be created by the year 2012.

A company in Japan is holding the world’s first marathon for robots. My money is on the robot from Kenya winning.

This Date In History: 1613; Michael Romanov was elected czar of Russia, beginning the Romanov imperial line. 1878; The first telephone book was issued (New Haven, Conn.). 1916; Battle of Verdun, the longest and one of the bloodiest engagements of World War I, began.

1972; President Nixon became the first U.S. president to visit China. 1995; Steve Fossett became the first person to cross the Pacific Ocean solo in a balloon. 2002; It was confirmed that Wall Street Journal reporter Daniel Pearl was dead, allegedly murdered by Islamic militants.

Picture Of The Day: Light....a visual idea ofttimes stretched to the "nth" degree. These caught my attention.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. 2) If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. 3) The shinbone is a device for finding a coffee table in a dark room. 4) I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 5) Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, smack them upside the head with monkey wrench", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.......and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Pisces - February 21st: Tomatoes can be your best friend - go Red for the day (*This horoscope is not sponsored by Heinz, or the Communist Party*). All of that which you experience today will be catalogued under "things not to do in public again". The horse you received in the mail has a diamond-studded golden tooth.

Hope can be found in the bottom of some packets of cereal. However, relying on this fact is probably a folly you should avoid. Vegetables have always made you think naughty thoughts, so please bear in mind that any visits to market-places could leave you red-faced. If you pick yourself up by your shoe-strings, you are likely to fall flat on your ass. Just thought I'd mention it.

Birthdays: Otto Hermann Kahnm banker and patron of the arts 1867, Constantin Brancusi, sculptor 1876, Andres Segovia, guitarist 1893, Anais Ninauthor, diarist 1903, Robert Mugabe, president of Zimbabwe 1924, Erma Bombeck, writer, humorist 1924, Hubert de Givenchy, fashion designer 1927, Barbara Jordan, lawyer, politician and educator 1936, Jennifer Love Hewitt.actress 1979.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An elderly pair widower and widow meet in a retirement village. They hit it off, sharing each other's values and finding pleasure in each other's company. After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little.

The widow said, "Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but how's your health?" The widower replies, "It's okay. I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life." The widow asked, "Well, I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself. How are you fixed financially?" The widower answers, "So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you. I can support myself."

The little old lady blushes and finally asks the widower, "And how's your sex life?" The widower says, "Infrequently." The widow ponders this for a moment or so, then asks, "Is that one word or two?

A man stepped out of the shower and complained to his wife, "It's just too hot to wear clothes today. Honey, what do you think the neighbors would say if I mowed the lawn like this?" His wife replied. "Probably that I married you for your money."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

His wife asks. "What's the matter, dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee and asks, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. She replies, "Yes I do."

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" His wife sits down in a chair beside him and says, "Yes, I do."

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?" She replied softly, "I remember that too." He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the ship watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him. So the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the ship. It read: "Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his ass was a pearl worth $50,000....please advise." The old woman faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. The man said, "Well, it was like this. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

He continued, "I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cow's ass. I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey baby, this looks like yours!' I don't remember much after that."

That's it for today my little frosted flakes. Remember, light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

The Daytona 500 - Remembering Dale Earnhardt

Ten years ago today, Dale Earnhardt Sr., lost his life in a wreck on the final lap of the Daytona 500. His shocking death sent a cold shiver to the racing world and subsequently, Nascar began a series of rule changes to protect and enhance the safety of the drivers. Since that fateful day, it is impossible to calculate the number of lives that have been saved due to these important changes.

This weekend, Nascar will be at the Daytona International Speedway. The Camping World truck series race will be run tonight at 7:30 pm (EST) under the lights. On Saturday, at 1:00 pm (EST), the Nationwide series will race and on Sunday, the Daytona 500 will start at 1:00 pm (EST).

This is the biggest race weekend of the entire Nascar season. It is fitting that Dale Earnhardt Jr, won the pole position for Sunday's race. Unfortunately, Dale Jr, will have to start the race at the rear of the field due to a crash during practice. I look forward to the racing weekend and the Daytona 500. I also will take time to remember Dale Earnhardt Sr., the man and the legend, and the final race of his career. Rest in peace, Dale !

The News As I See It: A survey found that 61 percent of people are more afraid of outliving their money than dying. The other 39 percent have already outlived their money and have faked their own death to avoid creditors.

History was made at the Westminster dog show when one of the finalists was a dog from China. The dog listed his proudest accomplishment as not being eaten.

Arkansas Congressman Steve Womack has proposed getting rid of funding for President Obama’s teleprompter. When Obama finds out, he’s going to be speechless.

It’s the 40th anniversary of the War on Drugs. Today, California surrendered. Forty years since the War on Drugs began. This makes Charlie Sheen our most decorated veteran.

Donald Trump may is considering a run for the presidency in 2012. He says he has a plan for reducing the deficit by combing the rest of our money over to hide it.

A man from Ohio is being called “the Amish Bernie Madoff” for swindling Amish families out of millions of dollars. People became suspicious when they saw his horse pulling a Lamborghini.

This Date In History: 1546; Martin Luther, German leader of the Protestant Reformation, died. 1564; Michelangelo Buonarotti, Italian painter, sculptor, and architect, died. 1885; The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain was published. 1930; Pluto, the ninth planet in the solar system, was discovered by American astronomer Clyde Tombaugh.

1953; The first 3-D movie, Bwana Devil, opened in New York. 2001; FBI agent Robert Philip Hanssen was arrested and charged with spying for Russia. 2001; Dale Earnhardt, Sr., died from injuries sustained at the Daytona 500.

Picture Of The Day: Pictures of Dale Earnhardt Sr, Dale Jr and Theresa Earnhardt are today's subject. The crash that killed Dale Sr occured between turns three and four in the final lap of the race. Also included are pictures of Kurt Busch and Jeff Burton, winners of Thursday's Twin 150 qualifying races.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 2) If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. 3) People who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it. 4) Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing. 5) Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.......and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Aquarius - February 18th: Artifacts that appear on your eyeballs are an after-effect of going out bar hopping for 4 nights running. Applying yourself to your work may be the only way you can crush the thoughts that rampage through your ill-mind. When in danger, you have a tendency to run away quickly. Harness that ability today as you'll need it sometime around 4 pm.

Deja vu is not a Thai dish that you had two weeks ago. Serendipity is right around the corner, waiting for you to bump into it. If you pause to try and scrape off some dog poop from the bottom of your shoe, you might miss it. However, if you keep the dog poop on your shoe and meet your serendipitous friend, the smell might be off-putting enough to close the deal. What?

Birthdays: Louis Comfort Tiffany, artist, decorative designer 1848, Sholem Aleichem, author 1859, Charles Michael Schwab, steel magnate 1862, Helen Gurley Brown, editor, author 1922, George Kennedy, actor 1925, John Travolta, actor 1954, Matt Dillon, actor 1964, Molly Ringwald, actress 1968.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A Texas cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning. The clerk says, "Congratulations!" Looking at the cowboy, he asks, "Would you like the bridal then?" The cowboys says, "No thanks, I reckon I'll just hold her by the ears 'til she gets the hang of it."

A preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

The cowboy got paid on Friday and rode into town. He then went to the nearest bar and got thoroughly trashed. A couple of pals decided to play a trick on him. They snuck out, put his horse's saddle on backwards, and went back to join the cowboy for a few more rounds.

The next morning, when the alarm clock and a glass of cold water in the face failed to have the slightest effect, the cowboy's wife started shaking him by the shoulders and screaming, "Tex, get up! You have to hit the damn trail, you've got work to do." Tex mumbled, "I can't, I'm too beat. Too tired. Can't even lift my head." She screamed in his ear. "Get up! I've seen you this hungover a thousand times."

The cowboy said, "Not like this. Last night was different. Some son of a bitch cut my horse's head off, and I had to lead him all the way home with my finger in his windpipe!"

Michelle Obama was driving home from a business trips in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a word or two of thanks, she got in the car.

After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Michelle. The old woman asked, "What's in the bag?" Michelle looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband." The Navajo woman was silent for a moment, and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade."

In the early 20th Century, Thomas Edison was spreading the word about electricity. Once, while vacationing out West, he stopped at the Sioux reservation. Edison was shocked to learn that there was no indoor plumbing, and that he would have to use an outhouse.

He was told, the Sioux had to use the outhouse regardless of the weather. To help the Sioux, Edison installed lights in the outhouse. With this kind act, he became the first person to wire a head for a reservation!

That's it for today my little gumdrops. Remember, when tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. I'm going to AREA 51 to see of there's any fires to put out....with scotch. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !