More Random Thoughts (Afternoon scotch edition)

If you're wondering why the usual Wednesday Jimmy's Journal blog post is being posted on a Thursday, then you've never had a a few afternoon scotches with an old friend at the local watering hole. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.....

If you have a wireless phone or land line phone, your paying for other people to get free phones. Sometimes referred to as an "Obama Phone", the cost is deducted from your monthly bill. The average deduction is around $2.50 per month.

What started out as an effort by President Reagan to help poor people in rural areas have a phone in cases of emergency has mushroomed into what critics suspect is a new welfare program. The cost has gone from $143 million a few years ago to $2.2 billion today. Republican Louisiana Senator David Vitter said that today's cost is 15 times what it originally was.

The cost of the program increased dramatically after cellphones were added in 2008. Only low-income people on welfare and food stamps legally qualify, but some lawmakers say the program is out of control.

The Mississippi River is overflowing its banks in low lying areas like it does (surprise) every year. The area is (you'll pardon the expression) awash with media and reporters searching for mud puddles to stand in to do their reports. Flood victims vow to return to the same low level areas and rebuild, hopefully in time for next year's floods.

Angie's List is a website that aggregates verified consumer reviews of service companies as a way to "capture word-of-mouth wisdom". The concept behind the website is to certify their data collection process by only allowing paid and registered subscribers to access the website to prevent anonymous or biased reviews. So, I'm reasonably sure that the Aunt Sara(s) and Uncle Bill(s) of the "service companies" would never write a rave review of their nephew's company.

"Al-Qaeda" is on the run and Osama bin Laden is dead." In your own vernacular.....say what, Barry? What, what?

 

The News As I See It: Oscar winner Reese Witherspoon got arrested for disorderly conduct after she gave police a hard time for arresting her husband for DUI. She admitted that she had been drinking. She kept saying to the cop, “Do you know who I am?” Of course, the cops put two and two together, "Let's see.....actress, drunk.....Lindsay Lohan?"

A West Virginia man has been sentenced to seven years in prison for stealing Obama's teleprompter. When contacted, Obama had no comment......well, he did, but they were on the teleprompter.

U.S. intelligence agencies have put together a psychological profile of Kim Jong Un. They say he's a narcissist, and he is obsessed with Hollywood, obsessed with plastic surgery and obsessed with NBA basketball payers. It’s a condition we know as "Kardashianism."

NBC sportscaster Al Michaels was arrested over the weekend for DUI. His blood alcohol level was .08. Of course, NBC was ecstatic. .08 is the highest number anybody on this network has gotten in years.

A company in California has started selling a new cologne that smells like whiskey. That's not new. My dad wore that cologne for 40 years.

Former Congressman Anthony Weiner is back on Twitter. It's like giving Lindsay Lohan the keys to the mini bar.

A Florida woman crashed her car into a Target store. In her defense, the store did have a giant target on it.

This Date In History: 1800; Library of Congress was established. 1898; Spain declared war on the U.S. 1915; Turks began deportation of Armenians that led to the massacre of between 600,000 and 1.5 million Armenians.

1916; The Easter Rebellion begins in Dublin, Ireland. Although unsuccessful, the uprising was an important symbolic event leading to the establishment of the Republic of Ireland.

1953; Winston Churchill was knighted by Queen Elizabeth II. 1990; The shuttle Discovery blasted off with the Hubble Space Telescope.

Picture Of The Day: Santa Marta, Colombia.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour. 2) Buy one annoying person, get two free! - In-laws. 3) In the near future, little old ladies won't know how to cook, sew or knit, but they'll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors. 4) I gave my girlfriend a tip how she could wash the dishes better. On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands softer. 5) I saw a woman with a lower back tattoo that said "Classy" and my brain leaked out of my ear.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - April 23rd: Today might be the day when you get stuck in a hole with a dwarf. Remember all the research you did into dwarf habits in order to prevent mental anguish or breakdown. Everything you feel about yourself will be confirmed today as you're put through the mill and emerge victorious. Don't trust any plastic surgeon who has Picasso paintings in his waiting room.

Birthdays: My pal Susie - Happy Birthday 19XX, Anthony Trollope novelist 1815, John R. Pope architect 1874, Willem de Kooning artist 1904, Robert Penn Warren, American novelist, poet, and critic 1905, Shirley MacLaine actress 1934, Barbra Streisand performer 1942.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school. The teacher asked, "What's your name?"  He replied, "Mohammad." The teacher said, You're in America now, so from now on you will be known as Kevin."

Mohammad returned home after school and his mother asked, "How was your day, Mohammad?" He answered, "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in America and now my name is Kevin."

His mother said, "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" and his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again.

The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises and asked, "What happened to you, Kevin?" He replied, "Well ma'am, not too well. The first thing that happened after becoming an American, I was attacked by two f**king Arabs."

Two men are approaching each other on a pavement in America. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."

The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The new blonde employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. A fellow worker asked her, "Need some help?" The blonde replied,  "Yes, how does this thing work?"

The coworker took the bulky report from her hands and began feeding it into the shredder. The blonde said, "Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"

The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day, walking down Main Street, he noticed a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.

The reverend said sternly. "Mrs. Fitzgerald,this is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" Mrs. Fitzgerald said, "Sure," with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up laying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here buddy, we won't have any of that carrying around in this bar!"

The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz." The bartender nodded and said, "Hell, if you're that far in, you might as well finish up."

That's it for today, my little butter cups. Remember, there are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading, the ones who learn by observation and the rest who have to touch the fire to learn that it's hot. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !