The Nightmare Is Over !

Police captured Dzhokhar Tsarnaev this evening ending the search for the Boston Marathon bombing suspects. His brother 26-year-old Tamerlan, was killed Friday. The only better ending to the story would be that both brothers were killed.

Experts say that is is better that the brother was captured alive so that they can ascertain why the bombings and killings occurred. Personally, I know why they happened and one less asshole in this world better serves my purpose.

This time of terrorist actions will continue in the future and it's up to the American public how it will be handled. I keep an eye on everyone and if, for example, large numbers of Irish people are going around killing people, then I'm going to reserve my trust for Irish people.

The same is true for Blacks, Muslims, Jews or any other group that may or may not have bad intentions. "Politically Correct" is not a term included in my vocabulary. "Shoot first and ask questions later" better fits my survival techniques and attitudes.

Kudos to the countless Americans who did what they were told to do in this horrible tragedy and also to the roadside public for applauding every police officer, firefighter and other officials who drove their cars away from the scene after this 24 hour ordeal. My prayers go out to the Marathon bombing victims, the fallen police officers and all of their families.....

Dzhokhar being transported to hospital

The News As I See It: Daffy Duck recently turned 76 years old. I like Daffy Duck. He is much edgier than Donald Duck. Donald may not wear pants, but Daffy doesn't wear anything. Daffy is set apart by his bad attitude. He doesn't care if people like him. He's kind of my hero. He is right up there as one of my favorite cartoon characters, right up there with Scooby Doo and Joe Biden.

It's been reported that Sharon Osbourne is not going to reconcile with Ozzy Osbourne until he proves to her that he can stay sober. After hearing this, Ozzy said, "Who's Sharon Osbourne?"

Chicago has approved a $500 million renovation to the Chicago Cubs’ Wrigley Field. The upgrade will include a new video screen, enhanced lighting and an entirely different baseball team.

Obama offered to wash senators' car if it would lead to an immigration bill. Senators then told Obama, “If you're going to wash our cars, why do we need immigrants?

This Date In History: 1775; The "shot heard around the world" was fired. Colonial Minute Men took on British Army regulars at Lexington and Concord, Massachusetts, starting the American Revolution. 1824; Lord Byron died of a fever while helping the Greeks fight the Turks.

1882; Naturalist Charles Darwin, developer of the theory of evolution, died. 1897; The first Boston Marathon was run. 1933; The United States went off the gold standard. 1943; The Warsaw ghetto uprising began, one of the first mass rebellions against the Nazis.

1993; The siege at Waco, Texas, ended when FBI moved into the Branch Davidian compound with tear gas and cult members set fire to the compound killing over 80 people.

1995; The Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City, Okla., was destroyed by a car bomb. 168 people, including 19 children were killed in the worst terrorist attack in U.S. history up to that time. 2005; Germany's Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger became Pope Benedict XVI.

Picture Of The Day: Location of house in Waterford, Massachusetts where capture took place.

Covered boat where suspect was apprehended (Google)

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I had a cold and my doctor recommended coffee enemas. I can never go back to Starbucks. 2) My friend bought a pedigree dog for $300. I told him, "Give me $300 and I'll shit on your carpet."  3) The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she is shopping for shoes. 4) Children can be so annoying. How many times can you go, "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking to a supermodel. 5) I saw  Adele on YouTube singing her song, "Rolling In The Deep". She should add "Fried Chicken" to the title.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 19th: Feel welcome to share your inner most secrets with your entire family and friends. They will adore you for your spectacular honesty and may only exclude you from certain holidays and special events. 

Birthdays: My grand niece Taylor - Happy Birthday girl! 19XX, Sarah Kemble Knight, teacher 1666, Roger Sherman, political leader 1721, Eliot Ness, Federal agent 1903, Glenn Seaborg, chemist 1912, Dudley Moore, actor, comedian, composer 1935, Kate Hudson, actress 1979.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: On his way home from work, Murray stopped at a pharmacy to purchase a thermometer, When advised by the pharmacist that they were out of oral thermometers, Murray hesitantly purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Since Murray and never used one, he asked the pharmacist about the procedure.

The pharmacist said, "When you get home, lock your doors, close the blinds and take the phone off the hook so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the literature, follow the instructions and you'll be fine."

With great reservation, Murray did as instructed, then carefully inserted the thermometer wincing as it slowly went in. After a the waiting period, Murray slowly removed the thermometer and read the temperature, which turned out to be normal, As he sat in his chair, trying to calm down and relax, he noticed that on the literature, in small print, there was a statement that read: "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested."

Murray leaned back in his chair, closed his eyes and said aloud, "I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control at Johnson and Johnson."

The Head Gardner at the White House has been fired. Jim Whitey, the head gardener at the White House, was dismissed today after 28 years of loyal service to many US Presidents.

In an exclusive interview outside the back gate of the Presidential Residence, Mr. Whitey, an elderly gentleman, proclaimed his innocence and strongly condemned his firing.

Mr Whitney said, "It all happened so fast. I'm still in a daze. All I know is, I was getting ready to weed the rose bed outside the Oval Office window like I do every week. I yelled out to my assistants, 'Has anyone seen the spade and the hoe?' The next thing I knew, the Secret Service was escorting me off the property!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Johnny for his contribution to today's stories.

A lady reporter asked a man at a bar, "Do you drink beer every day?" The man replied, "Yes." The lady inquired, "How much beer a day? The man said, "Around 3 six-packs starting at noon." The lady asked, "How much does a 6-pack cost?" The man said, "Roughly $10.00 at the deli."

The lady Interviewer continued, "And how long have you been drinking like that?" The man answered, "Around 15 years." The lady said, "So with a six-pack costing $10.00 and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month. In one year, you would then be spending $10,800, correct?" The man said, "Correct."

The lady Interviewer inquired, "If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000. Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?

The man asked the lady, "Do you drink?" The lady Interviewer replied, "No." The man said, "So where's your f**kin' Ferrari?"

A flea walks into a travel agent's office and says to the woman behind the desk, "I've been working very hard this year and I want to book a vacation." The travel agent replies. "Sure, we've got a great one that I can book for you, it's seven days on Ringo Starr's hair. He's in Nice so should plenty of sun, beach and good food."

Four days later the flea comes back to the travel agent and says,  "It was rubbish, he's a drummer, it was loud and he spent all day sleeping and only went out at night" The travel agent says, "Well, Omar Sharif is in Monte Carlo, I'll book you in for seven days on his moustache. There should be plenty of fresh air, sun and beautiful women."

Again the flea returns after four days and says, "Omar Sharif plays bridge all day and never left the casino, I didn't see the sun once." The travel agent says, "Ok, I've got a special for you. Bridget Bardot is in St Tropez, shall I book you in for a week on her muff?" The flea says, "That sounds amazing."

Four days later the flea once again walked into the travel agency. The travel agent asked, "Whats wrong? Did you not like Bridget Bardot?" The flea said, "No she was wonderful, she spent all day lounging in the sun, waited on hand and foot, eating wonderful food and meeting beautiful people"

The travel agent said, "What's wrong why are you back here two days early?" The flea said, "Well, it's strange. I was sleeping on Bardot's muff and the next thing I know, I woke up back in Monte Carlo on Omar Sharif's Moustache!"

That's it for today, my little petit pois'. Remember, hard work has a future payoff but laziness pays off now. I'm going to AREA 51 for drinks.

That's it for now. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !