Caution: Today's Post May Cause You To Chortle Or Guffaw

I react to humor in different ways. Some things make me smile while other things make me laugh out loud. But, I realized  today that, to the best of my knowledge, I have never chortled or guffawed. I have, however, accidentally passed gas in an elevator.

I was unsure as to what constituted a "chortle" or a "guffaw", so I went to the dictionary for help.

A chortle is a breathy, gleeful laugh. When used as a verb, it is to laugh in a breathy, gleeful way; to chuckle. Coined by Lewis Carroll in "Through the Looking-Glass" (1871) it is a blend of the words "chuckle" and "snort".

A guffaw is a belly laugh, a laugh that bubbles up with good feeling and plenty of volume. At the end of a stressful day of work, it’s good to have some guffaws with your friends. Guffaw operates just like the word laugh: you can give a guffaw, or you can guffaw.

Guffaw comes from the Scottish word gawf, which is onomatopoetic, meaning that it’s spelled the way it sounds. Imagine a big happy Scotsman snorting "gawf, gawf, gawf" at the end of a joke, and you’ll know what a guffaw is. Refined ladies and gentlemen don’t guffaw and are much the worse for it.

That said, today's post is rated "R" as some of the material contains adult humor and situations. This, of course, is merely a green light for the majority of my friends and readers, but I thought it was a nice gesture. Some of today's stories caused me to chortle and all caused me to guffaw.....

The News As I See It: The San Antonio Spurs have made history by becoming the first team in the NBA to hire a female assistant coach. She is the first woman to get that close to that many NBA players without being a Kardashian.

Obama's approval rating is now at an all-time low. It's so bad that last night he gave his daughter Sasha a ride to a friend's house and she asked him to drop her off two blocks away.

Vice President Joe Biden, speaking at an African leadership summit yesterday, accidentally referred to Africa as a country instead of a continent. To be fair, most of what Biden knows about Africa is based on "The Lion King."

A new poll found that Obama's approval rating has hit a new low of just 40 percent. Or as Obama put it, "60 under par!"

Police in Ohio are looking for two women who tried to rob a bakery but left with only two glazed donuts because there was no money in the register. The cops are offering a small reward for information on the women, and a huge reward for info on those doughnuts.

A company has announced a new service where you carpool with strangers. It's a new cutting-edge technology called "taking the bus."

Photos were leaked this week of the Dallas Cowboys owner, 71-year-old Jerry Jones, with two much younger women. The photos were leaked by Jerry Jones.

This Date In History: 1588; English forces attacked the Spanish Armada, permanently crippling Spain's "invincible" fleet. 1786; Dr. Michael-Gabriel Paccard and Jacques Balmat became the first to climb Mont Blanc. 1876; Thomas Edison patented the mimeograph machine.

1900; The first Davis Cup tennis tournament began at the Longwood Cricket Club in Brookline, Massachusetts. 1963; In "The Great Train Robbery," some 15 thieves robbed the Glasgow-to-London mail train, making off with more than $6 million in cash.

1969; Sharon Tate, wife of director Roman Polanski, and four others were murdered by members of Charles Manson's "family." 1974; President Nixon announced he would resign the following day as a result of the Watergate scandal. 2008; The Summer Olympic Games opened in Beijing, China.

Picture Of The Day: I love giraffes.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A woman gave birth on an airplane. The airline said that the woman and her new $40 carry-on are doing just fine. 2) To be politically correct you cannot call people who steal from stores during crises "looters" anymore. You now have to call them undocumented shoppers.  3) Men reach their sexual peak around age 18 while women reach their sexual peak around age 35. Just about the time women reach their sexual peak, men are beginning to realize they have a favorite chair. 4) I used to date a woman who couldn't cook although she protested that she could. Hey, even I know that fabric softener doesn't go into meatloaf. 5) Serendipity is looking in a haystack for a needle and discovering the farmer's daughter.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 8th: Life can be as romantic as you wish to make it. Like the old saying goes, a man with three fish has enough in his heart to help him build a picnic chair. Beware of people offering free screen savers.

Birthdays: Charles Bulfinch, architect 1763, Matthew Henson, arctic explorer 1866, Emiliano Zapata, Mexican revolutionary 1879, Sara Teasdale, poet 1884, Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings, author 1896, Dustin Hoffman, actor 1937.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man stumbles up to a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Noticing the only other man at the bar, he tells the bartender to buy him a drink.

The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" The second man replies, "I'm from Miami but my Dad was born in Alabama." The first man says, "What a coincidence my Dad's from Alabama too! Let's have another round to Alabama." The second man says, "Good idea!"

Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Alabama is your Dad from?" The second man replies, "Tuscaloosa." The first man says, "I can't believe it. My Dad's from Tuscaloosa too! Let's have another drink to Tuscaloosa." The second man says, "For sure!"

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?" The second man, "Hialeah High school. I graduated in '64." The first man says, "This is unbelievable! I went to Hialeah High too and graduated in '63!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. The regular says the bartender, "Hey Tom, what's going on?" The bartender says, "Nothing much, same old thing. Mondays are slow and the Sullivan brothers are drunk again."

Two girlfriends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "You don't like getting flowers?" The redhead says, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers. I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An old man was on a plane waiting to take off when he noticed a beautiful woman coming down the aisle towards him. His heart raced when she took the vacant seat beside him.

Nervously, he said hello and the woman told him she was going to Las Vegas to a nymphomaniac convention. She said, "I'm a lecturer and I'm going to debunk a few misconceptions of sexual behavior." The old man said, "Really?, What kind of myths?"

The young woman said, "Everyone thinks that African men are the most endowed, when in fact, it's the Native Americans who have that distinction. People think that Frenchmen are the best lovers and it's really Jewish men who are the best. I also discovered that Southern men have the best stamina".

Suddenly, the woman became uncomfortable. She said, " I'm sorry, I shouldn't be telling you all this. I don't even know your name." The old man said. "Tonto....Tonto Lipschitz, but my friends call me Bubba !"

 An older woman is shopping in a supermarket when she notices this handsome muscular boy doing the bagging at one of the checkouts. Making sure she goes through his line, she leans over and asks if he'll carry her groceries out to which he responds, "Sure lady."

No sooner than they get out of the store, she leans over and says to the boy, "You know I've got an itchy pussy." The boy responds, "You'll have to point it out, lady, all those Japanese cars look alike to me."

That's it for today, my little pan handlers. Remember, if you're ever on death row, request Denny's for your last meal so you can live an extra year waiting on your order. I'll see you in AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !