Television Commercials Are Worse Than The Plague

Television commercials drive me crazy. I'm inundated with ambulance chasers trying to get people to sue for Mesothelioma or vaginal mesh and bladder sling complications. Then, there's the retractable pocket hose, which has three or four brands, all claiming to be the best.

Who can forget the "Help, I've fallen and can't get up commercials? Over the years, I've found that this cry doesn't have much impact in a bar. Of course, we have Marie Osmond's daily Nutrisystem weight loss commercials. I always get a kick when she asks, "So, why do I keep telling you about Nutrisystem?" Uh....because they pay you?

People are hopped up on Redbull and Five hour energy concoctions and with the legalization of marijuana in some states, the commercials will be a hoot if the actors use the substances while filming.

Then there's the pharmaceutical companies trying to hawk their new drugs whose side effects far outweigh the benefit of the drug. I hear, "Arthritis pain? Try "Screwem" to alleviate the pain. Side effects include stomach pain, diarrhea, blindness, homosexuality and death."

One particular commercial that I despise is that limp dickhead Jimmy Johnson's Extenze commercials. Personally, I think he's a great choice as the product spokesman. All he needs is a couple of balls under his chin.

I would be remiss to not to point out that all television ads have the obligatory Black person in every commercial and that quota seems to be expanding to include the occasional Asian or Indian. Oddly enough, I have yet to go to a restaurant or nightclub and seen that particular mix.

State Farm and All State insurance have their Obama authority figures as spokesmen. This, I would imagine, is from the Madison avenue advertising companies. If Hillary Clinton becomes president, I wonder if State Farm and All State will change their authority figures to a frumpy old fat lady wearing a pants suit?

What ever happened to the Snickers, Jello, Haagen Dazs and other commercials? And what happened to the funny commercials? I can't wait until the midterm elections start their advertising campaigns. They might not be funny, but I love seeing which liar can throw the most mud.....

The News As I See It: The Kardashians are outraged that they've been robbed three times this year but the police haven't caught the culprits. Los Angeles police said if only there was a video record of what goes on in the Kardashian bedroom.

Fox News medical expert Dr. Keith Ablow told viewers that Michelle Obama needs to drop a few pounds. A few? Have you seen her fat ass? In case you missed him, he'll probably be at another fund raiser this week extolling the "accomplishments" he and his administration has achieved. Pinocchio is alive and well, working part time at the White House.

A 14-year-old Texas boy lived in a Wal-Mart for four days before he was discovered. Employees got suspicious when they noticed something in a Wal-Mart that was made in America.

Steubenville High School in Ohio has allowed a newly released sex offender to rejoin its football team just months after being released from jail. High school? It sounds like he's ready for the NFL.

An Oregon man called Portland police Monday to report that traffic was being held up by a chicken attempting to cross a road. Then on Tuesday, he called back to report a priest and a rabbi walking into a bar.

This Date In History: 1057; Macbeth, king of Scotland, was killed by Malcolm Canmore. 1911; Proctor and Gamble Company introduced Crisco vegetable shortening. 1935; Aviator Wiley Post and actor Will Rogers were killed in a plane crash. 1939; The Wizard of Oz premiered in Hollywood.

1947; The Indian Independence Bill created the two independent states of India and Pakistan. 1948; South Korea became the Republic of Korea. 1969; Woodstock Music and Art Fair opened at Max Yasgur's dairy farm in Bethel, New York.

1998; A car bomb in Omagh, Northern Ireland, killed 29 people. It was the deadliest act of violence in more than 30 years of "Troubles." 2001; Astronomers announced the discovery of the first solar system outside our own.

Picture Of The Day: This picture obviously is not from a bad commercial. On the contrary, its Superstition Mountains - Apache Junction, Arizona. I've been trying to get this one, and the pastoral picture farther down, in for a week. So I just gave up and put them in. No rhyme or reason, I just like the pictures.
 

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I got a postcard from a blonde girlfriend of mine. It said, "Having a good time. Where am I?" 2) Does time fly when you're having sex or was it really just two minutes? 3) Last week, I was in front of a judge and he said "You've been brought here for drinking." I said, "Okay, let's get started." 4) Impotence is Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings." 5) If I take the Ginko, I might be able to remember where I put the Viagra......and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 15th: The light is coming closer and soon you will see exactly what the future holds with a special someone. The light is a bit bright though, so you might want to turn away. Don't turn away for too long though. I'm pretty sure it's a light. I've discussed it with a few other astrologers and it's either a light or a train. A whistle may be a tell-tale sign.

Birthdays: Napoleon I, French emperor 1769, Walter Scott, writer 1771, Ethel Barrymore, actress 1879, Edna Ferber, author 1887, T. E. Lawrence, adventurer 1888, Julia Child, chef 1912.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: There was a loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his daughter's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time.....just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she'd take their granddaughter for the drive.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her mother who was still in bed. Her mother asked, "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" The little girl replies "Oh, yes, Mother, it was really wonderful. We didn't see a single asshole, blind bastard, dipshit or son of a bitch anywhere we went.....!"

Jose and Carlos panhandle in different areas of Los Angeles. Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day. Jose brings home about $100 a day, drives a Mercedes and lives in a big house.

Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do but you bring home $100 a day. How's that?" Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlos' sign reads, "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support." Jose says, "No wonder you only get 2 to 3 dollars a day." Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?" Jose shows Carlos his sign. It reads, "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man was driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gas station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a gas station and pulls over to the high octane pump.

The attendant asks, "What can I do for ya'll?" The man replied, "Fill 'er up with high test." While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. He asks the driver, "What kinda car is this?" The man answers, "This is a 2014 Cadillac CTS Sports Sedan."

The attendant asks, "What all's it got in it?" The man says "It has everything. It has power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a CD player, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes, leather interior, digital instrument package and a 32 valve, fuel injected 4.6 liter Northstar V8 engine." The attendant says, "Wow, that's really something!"

The driver asks, "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" The attendant says, "That'll be $70.17" The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off three $20's and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees.

The attendant asks, "What are those little wooden things?" The driver says, "That's what I put my balls on when I drive." The attendant says, "Wow, those Cadillac people think of everything!"

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?" The husband, "She's my mistress." The wife says, "Well, that's the last straw! I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

Her husband says, "I understand, but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. His wife asks, "Who's that woman with Jim?" Her husband replies, "That's his mistress." His wife says, "Ours is prettier.....!"

That's it for today, my little sausage links. Remember, at every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour. See 'ya there!

Have a terrific weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !