Once Upon A Time There Was A Republican And A Democrat.....

The new political ads are out and it's business (and name calling) as usual. I'm occasionally cynical about some of the things I see and hear on TV and although I'm not always on point, a lot of things turn out to be either untrue or badly spun, especially by politicians.

Barry Obozo's got a new shuck and jive act timed specifically for the November elections. In many states and political races, they're electing governors, senators and congress people. If they only ran the audio and didn't mention the candidate's name, all the speeches would sound the same.

It dawned on me today that all of these political speeches are nothing more than fairy tales, with a cruel twist. The tall tales and empty promises that the candidates shove down our throats are neatly spun. Once elected, all of the promises fall aimlessly to the ground the same way the beanstalk fell when Jack chopped it down .

Maybe in November the tides will turn. but then again, will the new replacements be any better than the liars and thieves that are voted out? Only time will tell. In the interim, and with the help of my pal, Julie, I have taken the poetic license to show you how some fairy tales might have turned out if the characters were the end result of political promises. I think you'll be able to figure out each Fairy tale by the picture.....

The News As I See It: It’s rumored that White House gatecrasher Michaele Salahi is going to pose nude in Playboy. Salahi said her main motivation for posing in Playboy is the fact that no one’s invited her to.

Hillary Clinton is denying rumors that she will replace Joe Biden as the Vice President in 2012. It's fun to have a Clinton denying stuff again.

The Department of Labor has launched a new website to help unemployed Americans. President Obama said the website is amazing and he can’t wait to check it out in two years.

Police were forced to escort three fans out of the U.S. Open after a brawl broke out. When is this wealthy-white-guy-on-wealthy-white-guy violence going to end?

U.S. commanders in Afghanistan are ending their zero-tolerance policy on corruption and allowing local officials who are on our side to be "moderately" corrupt. It’s the same policy we have in Congress.

There was a 75 mile-long traffic jam in China. It was so bad, kids could barely get to work.

This Date In History: 1900; A hurricane struck Galveston, Texas, killing about 8,000 people. 1935; Louisiana Senator Huey P. Long, "The Kingfish," was shot and mortally wounded by Dr. Carl Austin Weiss, Jr. 1951; The San Francisco Peace Treaty was signed, formally ending World War II hostilities with Japan. 1952; Ernest Hemingway's Old Man and the Sea was published.

1966; Star Trek premiered on television. 1974; President Gerald Ford gave former President Nixon a full pardon for all federal crimes he may have committed while he was in office. 1998; Mark McGwire's 62nd home run broke Roger Maris's record of 61 homers set in 1961.

Picture Of The Day: My thanks to my pal Julie for today's fairy tale pictures. Maybe in real life, this is the way the stories would have ended.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! 2) If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child. 3) The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less. 4) If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the situation. 5) Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Richard I, king of England (1189-99); third son of Henry II and Eleanor of Aquitaine 1157, Antonín Dvorák, composer 1841, Sid Caesar, comedian 1922, Peter Sellers, actor 1925, Patsy Cline, country musician 1932,
Ann Beattie, writer 1947.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "He's a midget."

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store, approached the saleslady in lingerie and asked, "Do you have a size 28AAA bra?" The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner.

After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart. Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?" The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A large company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to demonstrate his decision making ability and wanted to immediately take action to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $300 a week. Why?" The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now get the hell out of here!"

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?" From across the room came a voice, "Yeah, he's the delivery guy from Domino's Pizza."

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules, "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member).

A wise-cracking male student pipes up, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?" The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with, "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?" A child answers, "A horsy." The teacher asks, "And this?" Another youngster replies, "A piggy." The teacher holds up a picture of a male deer with antlers and asks, "And now this one?"

There was no answer, only total silence. "Come now, children, I'll give you a little hint. What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot? One little girl exclaims, "I know! I know!! It's a horny bastard!"

That's it for today my little turnip greens. Remember, when tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. It's Hump Day and I'm heading to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !