Crappola: "Only $19.95" And Other Rip-offs

If it's "only $19.95" and "not sold in stores", don't buy it. If your attorney advertises on TV at 3 o'clock in the morning, get a new attorney. If your prescription drugs are advertising and the side effects include: death, blindness, tuberculosis, liver damage, anal leakage, loss of sense of humor, et cetera, ad nauseum, don't buy it.

Lets begin with the "Only $19.95" game, Why don't they just charge $20? Because the price looks cheaper, but let's face it, it's $20, plus shipping and handling. Ten year guarantee! Really? A corporation cost less than $500 to create and it's usually "offshore" Yeah, that'll be a successful lawsuit.

If the spokesperson speaks so shrill and loudly, you check to see of your cat got it's tail stuck in the door, just change the TV channel. "Act now and we'll double the offer, Just pay shipping and handling". Guess what that will cost? Another $20! There is no such thing as a free lunch!

Attorneys who advertise on TV in the AM are usually the bottom of the barrel. Owning a real estate company, I have dealt with attorneys all of my career. I never met (or used) those who do their own advertising on TV. The major issue always seem to be how much money they earned for a client, Good attorneys are more prone to look out after your interests.

Drug companies drive me crazy with their new drugs. Whoever creates the names of these products should be sent back to school to learn English.

Since most people over 50 usually have one malady or the other, I sometimes listen to the information. The final straw is when they list possible side effects and one quickly decides that the thirty-odd side effects do not justify using the drug.

The News As I See It: Banks are starting to offer services through virtual assistants like Amazon Echo, which backfires when you ask Alexa for your account balance and she just starts laughing.

In November, people in California will vote on whether they want to break the state up in to three smaller states. The states would be Northern California, Southern California, and Kardashistan.

Microsoft is working on technology that removes the need for cashiers and checkout lines. This cutting-edge technology is known as "shoplifting."

Sonic has introduced a new flavor of its iced slushes. Apparently, they've run out of ideas because this new flavor is Pickle Juice. This is great news for people who are hot, thirsty and well into their second trimester.

Sonic says if this goes well, they're all set to unveil their next exciting flavor, Cabbage Drippings. Sonic claims the new flavor has "a distinctly summer vibe to create new summer memories." Memories like, "Hey! You remember that time I threw up at Sonic?"

This Date In History: 1815; Napoleon abdicated his throne for the second time after his defeat at Waterloo. 1870; The U.S. Justice Department was created.  1874; Dr. Andrew Still became the first to practice osteopathy. 1944; President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the G.I. Bill of Rights.

1969; Singer-actress Judy Garland died. 1987; Actor-dancer-singer Fred Astaire died. 2011; Legendary Boston crime boss,James "Whitey" Bulger is found and arrested by federal authorities in Santa Monica, Calif.

Picture Of The Day: Child with body guards.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again. 2) My parents moved a lot when I was younger. We kids always managed to track them down though. 3) Life tip - Buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it's a gift. 4) Cuisine is something like food, but the portions are smaller and the prices are higher. If you desire authentic French cuisine, the waiter will insult you as you are served. 5) It takes over five words to say "I love you" in Hawaiian. All it really takes is a pineapple and fifty dollars for those in the know.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Gemini - June 22nd: With every passing moment you are pissing away your life reading nonsense on the Internet. For this reason, any film you watch over the coming weekend will stay with you forever. Please ensure the film is not Tomb Raider.

Birthdays: Julian Sorell Huxley, biologist, author  1887, Anne Morrow Lindbergh, author  1906, Joseph Papp, stage producer, director 1921, Bill Blass, fashion designer 1922, Dianne Feinstein, senile senator 1933, Kris Kristofferson, composer 1936, Meryl Streep, ultra liberal actress 1949.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that she would be called "woman."

God said, "This pretty woman will gather food for you, she will cook for you and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you. She will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement."

God continued, "She will praise you! She will bear your children. and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg." Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a strange bottle. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that’s my wish."

The genie looks concerned, then says, "No, I’m sorry, that’s just not possible. Some things just can’t be changed. Do you have another wish?"

The guys says, "Well, my whole life I’ve never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says, "How would you define peace?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this Sex book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. Mutual orgasm here and mutual orgasm there. That's all they talk about."

Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?" Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."

A mother of five decides to get plastic surgery on her privates so her husband can enjoy the snugness she had in her youth. So, she heads off to the doctor for the procedure. Once the procedure is done, she wakes up to find three roses on her bed and asks the nurse who sent them.

The nurse says, "The doctor wanted you to know he appreciates the business, so he left you a rose. Then your husband came in with a rose, stating that he can't wait to feel the results of the surgery, so he left a rose, too."

The woman asks, "What about the third rose?" The nurse says, "Oh, that's from Ed in the burn unit. He wanted to say thanks for the new ears."

That's it for today, my little butter cups. Remember, pepperoni, cheese, anchovies or jalapenos added to jokes upon request; your mileage may vary; no substitutions! I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Harry And Meghan

This is yesterday's post, but I was waiting for messages to the Royals from my inside contact....Harry's best man and football team Captain. He toasted Harry and Meghan, "My apologies from the rest of the team. They couldn’t all be here today, good luck with Harry. We found him to be useless in most positions, but wishing you all the best for tonight."

He continued, "I do hope that you and Harry enjoy your honeymoon in Wales. I assume you’re going to Wales. When I asked harry his plans for after the wedding, he said he was going to Bangor for a fortnight?

A lot of celebrities were at the royal wedding this today, like Serena Williams and the Spice Girls. But Yanni had to RSVP no. He said, "I think I got the invitation by mistake. This envelope was addressed to Laurel.

The News As I See It: IKEA's launching a new credit card that offers rewards and perks for frequent customers, but it is a bitch to put together!

This Date In History: 1642; The city of Montreal was founded by the French. 1804; Napoleon Bonaparte was proclaimed Emperor of France by the French Senate. 1896; The Supreme Court affirmed racial segregation in Plessy v. Ferguson as "separate but equal."

1920; Pope John Paul II was born near Krakow, Poland. 1953; Jacqueline Cochran became the first woman to fly faster than the speed of sound. 1974; India became the 6th country to become a nuclear power. 1980; Mount St. Helens, in Washington state, erupted after being dormant for 123 years.

1994; Israeli troops withdrew from the Gaza strip after three decades of occupation and Palestinians took over. 2000; A bill was finally passed that removed the Confederate flag from the South Carolina statehouse. 2004; Sonia Gandhi stunned her party, the Indian National Congress, by refusing to accept the prime ministership of India.

Picture Of The Day: Meghan and her mother

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was really sweating. 2) According to Webster's dictionary, Duckling means "little duck". As a result, I no longer eat dumplings. 3) Pretty much everything I know about Caribbean geography, I learned from that Beach Boys song "Kokomo." 4) I wonder why women don't get a wax during an epidural? it's genius and there's a ton of time to kill anyway. 5) If you don't think learning to spell is important, order a fragrance using the word "colon" instead of "cologne" on Ebay.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 18th : Life can be as romantic as you wish to make it. Like the old saying goes, a man with three fish has enough in his heart to help him build a picnic chair. You think I made that up, don't you? I work my fingers to the bone looking for old sayings and reading the stars and this is the thanks I get? That's it! No soup for you!!!!

Birthdays: Omar Khayyam, poet and mathematician 1048, Bertrand Russell, philosopher 1872, Margot Fonteyn, ballerina 1919, John Paul II, pope (1978–2005) 1920, Reggie Jackson baseball player 1946.
 
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you Sir?"

The drunk mumbles, "Yessh! Ssomebody sstole my car." The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" The drunk replies, "It wasss on the end of thisshh key."

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Englishman were discussing their previous night's lovemaking. The Italian said, "I rubbed fine olive oil all over my wife, then we made wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes."

The Frenchman said, "I rubbed sweet butter on my wife's body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour."

The Englishman said, "I covered my wife's body with lard. We made love and she screamed for six hours."

The others asked, "Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?" The Englishman replied, "I wiped my hands on the drapes."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "six." The judge then said, "I will give you six days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?" The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas." 

A guy in a bar keeps hitting on an a lesbian who is waiting for her date. He just won't take no for an answer. The lesbian smirks and says, "Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing a man can do for me that my vibrator can't!"

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, let's see your vibrator buy the next round of drinks!"

That's it for today, my little rose buds. Remember, Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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The Civil War: Brothers Fighting Brothers

In the Civil War, sides were drawn by state politicians and the fighting began. Brother against brother, American versus American. Few soldiers knew why the war began, but they did their duty and over 620,000 Americans died and more were wounded.

The US Civil War was incontrovertibly the bloodiest, most devastating conflict in American history, and it remains unknown - and unknowable - exactly how many men died or were wounded in Union and Confederate uniform. 

If you are serving or ever served your country in the armed forces, police or firefighters, you are aware that when given an order, you must obey it without question or hesitancy. Though you may or may not know the reasoning, you do what's asked of you.

Approximately one in four soldiers that went to war never returned home. At the outset of the war, neither army had mechanisms in place to handle the amount of death that the nation was about to experience. There were no national cemeteries, no burial details and no messengers of loss.

After the war ended, poverty and poor relief, especially in times of acute food shortages, were major challenges facing Union and Confederate authorities. Cemeteries and statues began to slowly arise, Both were memorials to the thousands of young soldiers were killed or wounded during the worst war in U.S. history.

The current trend of tearing down or removal statues and memorials are tantamount to plowing up a cemetery. The morons who do these actions have no idea of the severity of the Civil and how many lives it effected. I wonder how they would feel if someone dug up and destroyed their mother's grave over petty politics.....

The News As I See It: U.S. Immigration agents raided hundreds of 7-Eleven stores to investigate the legal status of store employees. Hey, if you're going to investigate something at 7-Eleven, how about the hot dogs? How long have THEY been in the country?

At the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, there was a party that featured robot strippers. They said the annoying thing about robot strippers is when you give them a dollar, you have to make sure it's not crinkled and facing the right way.

I read about a company that's working on technology that would let your pet video chat with you. It's fun to get a video chat from your dog, but depressing to watch your cat decline your call.

This Date In History: 1773, The first public museum in the U.S. was established in Charleston, S.C. 1896; H. L. Smith took the first X-ray photograph. It was a hand with a bullet in it. 1915; The U.S. House of Representatives rejected a proposal to give women the right to vote.

1932; Hattie W. Caraway, a democrat from Arkansas became the first woman to be elected to the U.S. Senate. 1991; A divided Congress gave President Bush the go-ahead on the Persian Gulf War. 1998; Nineteen European countries signed an agreement banning human cloning.

2010; Haiti is dealt a catastrophic blow when a magnitude 7.0 earthquake strikes 10 miles southwest of Port-au-Prince, the country's capital. It is the region's worst earthquake in 200 years. The number of fatalities were between 46,000 and 85,000 people.

Picture Of The Day:

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm going to open a restaurant called "Peace and Quiet" where kids meals cost $150. 2) My friend's grandmother's name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it. 3) I ran into a woman as I walked around a corner causing her to drop a pile of papers and we didn’t immediately fall in love as we picked them up so now I’ll never trust movies again. 4) Is it considered multitasking if you pee a little when you sneeze? 5) CAT scans are just like regular scans, only the techs push you off the table after your done.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - January 12th: Don't trust little birdies, most of them lie. Love comes in all shapes and sizes. Unfortunately, all the good shapes and sizes are already taken. Bread, lightly cooked and buttered. Today's horoscope was sponsored by Toast.

Birthdays: Charles Perrault, poet 1628, Edmund Burke, political writer and statesman 1729, John Hancock, political leader in the American Revolution and signer of the Declaration of Independence 1737, John Singer Sargent, painter 1856, Jack London, novelist 1876, Joe Frazier, boxer 1944, Rush Limbaugh, radio personality 1951. 

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber’s face.

The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then, one old cowboy tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said, "My mother-in-law got a pretty good look at you."

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women from England, Wales and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No." So, she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No." So she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, "Have ya ever been fooked, laddie?" The man broke into a big smile and said, "No," She said, "Aye, ya will be when the tide comes in."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

The donkey later came back and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him.

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.

The Moral Of The Story: When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs...enough times till her husband says, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

With a seductive smile, the woman purred, "Yes." Her husband says, "Thank God, for a moment, I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa."

That's it for today, my little artichoke hearts. Remember, asking a redhead if you can see her pumpkin patch will get you in trouble (It's not important how I know that). I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Looking Forward To 2018

New Year's Eve nears and, as usual, I haven't made any plans yet. But every year I seem to find a way to celebrate the New Year. I usually try to stay close to home as all the amateur drinkers are on the road.

On top of that, most restaurants and bars raise their prices and I'm not in the mood to have my pocket picked for a glass of bad champagne, a hat and a cheap noise maker. But if you've never had the pleasure of being out on New Year's Eve, I guess you have to try it once or twice.

I want to thank my friends, family and especially my readers for a good 2017. May everyone be blessed and safe as we await 2018.

The News As I See It: Looking forward to New Year's Eve reminded me of my last sojourn to a restaurant on New Year's Eve where I was put on a waiting list. I left when I heard the Maitre d' announce, "Donner? Party of 89...Donner?"

Did you know that years ago this fall, back in 1850, California became a state. The people had no electricity. The state had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in the streets. So basically nothing has changed except the women had real tits and the men didn't hold hands.

This Date In History: 1179; Thomas Becket, Archbishop of Canterbury, was murdered by four knights acting under the orders of Henry II. 1845; Texas became the 28th state in the United States. 1851; The first Young Men's Christian Association (YMCA) opened in Boston.

1890; The last major battle of the Indian Wars, at Wounded Knee Creek, took place with hundreds of Indian men, women, and children massacred. 1937; The Constitution of Ireland, changing the Irish Free State into Eire, went into effect.

1940; During World War II, Germany began dropping incendiary bombs on London. 1989; Vaclav Havel was elected president of Czechoslovakia. 1996; A peace agreement was signed, ending 36 years of conflict in Guatemala.

Picture Of The Day: Happy New Year to all my family, friends and readers.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Apparently sitting here on my new lawn furniture, drinking my vodka and minding my business is disturbing to other Target guests. 2) Starbucks should have a separate line for people who don't know what they want or how the world works. 3) I bought a used UPS truck. It gets poor gas mileage but I can park anywhere. 4) According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again. 5) My friend's teenage kid said he wanted to go to JFK for some fried chicken. He won't be majoring in history but it's nice to know he is scouting out his career options.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - December 29th: Walk without shoes for a day and you will soon understand the true nature of the soul. Life will throw many things at you over the coming months, including a book-shelf which you will have to assemble yourself because you bought it from IKEA.

Birthdays: Charles Goodyear, invented vulcanized rubber 1800, Andrew Johnson, 17th President of the United States 1808, William Gladstone, statesman 1809, Pablo Casals, virtuoso cellist 1876, William "Billy" Mitchell, aviator, soldier 1879, Vera Brittain, novelist, poet 1893, Mary Tyler Moore, actress 1936, Jon Voight, actor, director, writer 1938, Patricia Clarkson, actor 1859,  Jude Law, actor 1972.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Mother superior calls all the nuns together and says to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

An elderly nun at the back of the room says, "Thank God, I'm so tired of Chardonnay."

The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $100,000 for the year.

The deli owner asked, "Why don't you people leave me alone? I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year and you want to know how I made $100,000?"

The agent replied, "It's not your income that bothers us. It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife." The deli owner answered, "Oh, that, I forgot to tell you. We also deliver

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my sweet Sandra for her contribution to today's stories.

I once lost my watch at a party. I looked over to see a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude and punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch.

Old Aunt Clara went to a new doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. She said to the doctor, "It's terrible! I haven't moved my bowels in more than a week."

The doctor said, "I see. Have you done anything about it?" Aunt Clara replied, "Oh, yes. I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night."

The doctor said, "No, I mean do you take anything?" Aunt Clara answered, "Just a magazine...

That's it for today, my little New Year's revelers. Remember, women don't consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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As Christmas Day Nears.....

Santa has begun his yearly trek to deliver his gifts. He's checking his list to see who's been naughty or nice. I'm usually nice but the naughty thing is normally my downfall. I'm relatively sure I won't be one of his stops.

I feel sorry for any man who hasn't yet purchased a present for his wife or girlfriend (or both). Smart women have already learned how to get the gift they really want.

They simply hand the man a list with the name of the store, the department location, a picture and pertinent details of the present complete with a GPS tracking device. A copy of the note is also pinned to the man's shirt so the sales woman knows what the man wants.

Mens wants are very basic. If they truly want it, they've already purchased it. Anything else along the lines of food, drink, sports equipment or electronics will usually suffice. Fortunately for men, their spouse, girlfriends, sisters or mother always makes sure that their men receive their annual re-supply of underwear, T-shirts and socks.

Although these things are not very flashy, they always come in the Saint Nick of time as men never purchase these items for themselves. So that's the basic shopping plans for the weekend. I wish a safe, Merry Christmas and Happy Holiday to all of my family, friends and readers!

The News As I See It: Omarosa, former apprentice contestant and recent White House aide, has been fired. Omarosa is out of a job. So now she'll be doing, well, pretty much the same thing she was doing at the White House. Absolutely nothing.

Do you feel the Holiday spirit enveloping you like a blanket right now? Christmas is 3 days away, which means we only get to hear that Mariah Carey song 7,000 more times.

Nancy Pelosi said that the tax plan is "an all-out looting of America, a wholesale robbery of the middle class" which incidentally, is also the slogan for Whole Foods.

New York Mayor Bill de Blasio recently visited Iowa. He meant to visit Queens but the F Train got rerouted.

This Date In History: 1732; Benjamin Franklin began publishing Poor Richard's Almanac. 1776; Thomas Paine published his first American Crisis essay, in which he wrote, "These are the times that try men's souls."

1843; Charles Dickens published "A Christmas Carol." 1946; War broke out in Indochina when Ho Chi Minh attacked the French. 1972; Apollo 17 splashed down in the Pacific, ending the Apollo program of manned lunar landings.

1984; Britain and China signed an accord returning Hong Kong to Chinese sovereignty on July 1, 1997. 1998; President Bill Clinton impeached on two counts by the House of Representatives.

Picture Of The Day: Merry Christmas

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I hate it when I mix my metaphors and all hell breaks wind. 2) As I get older and I remember all the people I've lost along the way I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me. 3) My daughter once asked me what marriage was like, so I threw out all her Barbie and Ken dolls, except for Fat Barbie and bald, drunken Ken. 4) A liter of Johnnie Walker Black scotch......when you absolutely, positively need to wake up underneath your neighbor's swing-set. 5) I saw a large bear eating a big lunch from the dumpster at Taco Bell. Then he ran off into the woods, ostensibly to prove a point.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 22nd: You may become trapped in a cave with a panther and a sound system playing Michael Bolton's greatest hits this week. You can avoid the panther's attack by simply singing along with Michael Bolton but there's no cure from the lingering effects of Bolton's music.

Birthdays: James Oglethorpe, founder of the American colony of Georgia 1696, Thomas Wentworth Higginson, abolitionist 1823, Giacomo Puccini, composer of operas 1858, Connie Mack, baseball player and manager 1862, Edwin Arlington Robinson, poet 1869, Dame Peggy Ashcroft, actress  1907, Lady Bird Johnson, Businessperson, First Lady and Wife of President Lyndon Johnson 1912, Diane Sawyer, television journalist 1945, Ralph Fiennes, actor 1962.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Louisiana Highway Department employees stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. The man in charge told the farmer, "We need to inspect your farm for a possible new road." The old farmer said, "OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there."

The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card and said, "I have the authority of the State of Louisiana to go anywhere I want. See this card? I will go wherever I wish." 

So the old farmer went about his chores. It wasn't too much later when the farmer heard loud screams and yelling. He looked over and saw several Highway Department employees running for their lives and right behind was the farmer's huge prize bull. The bull was madder than a hornet's nest and was gaining on the Highway employees at every step.

The old farmer yelled out, "Show him your card, Asshole....!"

A man's small grandson got lost at the shopping mall. The child approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!" The guard asked, "What's his name?" The tyke answered, "Grandpa"

The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?" The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Jack Daniels whiskey, and women with big tits."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One morning, a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says, "Wow that is one ugly baby."

The woman deeply hurt just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asks, "What's wrong you look mad?" She replied, "I am. That bus driver just insulted me."

The man replied, "You shouldn't take that from him. He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take down his badge number and report him.

The woman said, "You're right sir. I think I will report him." The elderly man says, "You go on up there, get his badge number and I'll hold your monkey for you."

Little Johnny's next door neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.

Little Johnny's parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors.

Johnny's father said, "Now, son, that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home." Little Johnny said, "I promise not to mention his ears at all."

At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby." The mother said, "Thank you very much, Johnny."

Then, Johnny said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Just look at his pretty little eyes. Did his doctor say that he can see well?" The mother said "Why, yes Johnny, his doctor said he has 20/20 vision. Little Johnny said, "Well, that's great, 'cause he sure as hell couldn't wear glasses!!"

That's it for today, my little elves. Remember, God created marriage so death wouldn't come as such a complete disappointment. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.