Don't Do This, Don't Do That.....

It seems every damned thing you do nowadays causes cancer. Then, once you've abstained from doing said "damned thing", researchers come back and say that new studies find they were wrong and now its ok to do it. Things like "don't drink red wine" "Wait! Do drink red wine" A federal panel now says don't get PSA tests for prostate cancer. The experts are starting to drive me crazy!

That said, I'm a little tired of hearing all the things that cause cancer. If you don't die from cancer, your heart will quit on you. If that doesn't get you, there's other diseases patiently waiting in line to do you in. Last, but not least, if you don't drink, smoke or have sex all your life (and assuming that you're not brain dead), you're probably going to step in front of a Mack truck. Bottom line, sooner or later, you're outta here !

The News As I See It: Governor Chris Christie from New Jersey is not running for president. He weighed the pros, he weighed the cons and then he weighed himself. They say Chris Christie decided not to get into the presidential race because he has no shot at winning. That’s not stopping Obama though.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke told a congressional committee that the economic recovery is close to faltering. On the bright side, most Americans won’t be affected because we had no idea there was a recovery.

A month ago, all we heard about was Rick Perry and now he’s off the map. He had a worse September than the Red Sox.

Amanda Knox is finally home and she says she doesn’t want to do anything that reminds her of Italy. So last night, they went to the Olive Garden.

The Nobel Prize for medicine went to the team of doctors that X-rayed Kim Kardashian’s ass.

A woman in California has been in prison for 20 years after she murdered her husband and ate him. The sad part is that it was the only time she and her husband had dinner together.

This Date In History: 1765; The Stamp Act Congress convened in New York to draw up colonial grievances against England. 1849; Poet-writer Edgar Allan Poe died at age 40. 1949; The Republic of East Germany was formed.

1968; The Motion Picture Association of America adopted its film-rating system, ranging from "G" for general audiences to "X" for adults only. 1985; The Italian cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked by Palestinian gunmen in the Mediterranean.

1998; Matthew Shepard, a gay student at the University of Wyoming, was beaten, robbed, and left tied to a fence. He died five days later. 2001; U.S. and British forces launched bombing campaign against Taliban government and al-Qaeda terrorist camps in Afghanistan.

2003; California governor Gray Davis was recalled and former bodybuilder and actor Arnold Schwarzenegger was elected in his place. One of his first moves at the governor's mansion was to hire a maid.

Picture Of The Day: It's not that I'm against protests. I'm against protests by morons who have nothing better to do.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 2) Give me strength to change the things I can, grace to accept the things I cannot and a great big bag of money. 3) When I was seven, I told my brother, Kirt, that I would give him a million dollars if he would eat an earthworm. He ate the worm, but I never gave him the million dollars. As of last week, all I had given him was $9,840. 4) If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. 5) A lot of people have heard opportunity knocking at the door, but by the time they unlocked the chain, pushed back the bolt, turned two locks, and shut off the burglar alarm, it's usually gone.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Virgo - October 7th: Go out and have fun tonight. If I were you, I'd even buy a lottery ticket because you'll feel rich until tomorrow morning when you wake up with a hangover. The skies will be filled with stars tonight while the moon, like a testicle, hangs low over the horizon. Refrain from patronizing any barnyard animals.

Birthdays: James Whitcomb Riley, poet 1849, Niels Bohr, atomic physicist 1885, Elijah Muhammad 1897, Vladimir Putin, second President of the Russian Federation and Prime Minister of Russia 1952, Yo-Yo Ma, cellist 1955, Sherman Alexie, writer 1966, Rachel McAdams, actor 1976.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

Cold Beer: $3.00
Hamburger: $3.75
Cheeseburger: $4.00
Chicken Sandwich: $4.25
Hand Job: $20.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. She inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "Yes, may I help you?" The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering, young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, "Yes Sir, I sure am." The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly,"Well, wash your hands real freaking good because I want a cheeseburger."

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." His friend says, "Really!? Like a newborn baby?" Slim says, "Yep....no hair, no teeth and I think I just wet my pants."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt and my pals Tabby and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

A seven year old and a five year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The seven year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing." The five year old nods his head in approval. The seven year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." The five year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the seven year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." Whack! The seven year old flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor and runs upstairs crying his eyes out. With his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step, she locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there with that foul mouth until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the five year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?" The five year old replies, "I don't know, but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

A child custody case was held in court. The judge felt that the mother and father were both fit to be parents and therefore couldn't decide who he should grant full custody to. So he asks the little boy, "Would you like to live with your mother?" The boy said, "No!" The Judge asked, "Why not?" The little boy said, "Because she beats me."

The judge says, "Okay, then you'll go live with your father." The little boy cried, "No, he beats me too." Dumbfounded, the judge asks "Okay who do you want to live with?" The little boy said, "I want to live with the Miami Dolphins." The judge asks, "Why?" The little boy replied, "They never beat anybody."

Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asks the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" The boy replies, "Eight." The man continues, "Do you know what these are used for? The boy says, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one."

That's it for today my little Eskimo pies. Remember, light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. I'm heading to AREA 51 for happy hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !