I read a joke on Facebook today about cockroaches and those who fear or dislike them. Personally, I like most critters, but I'd rather fight a bear than have an encounter with a big cockroach. Here in Florida, the common variety is called a palmetto bug and the damned things can fly.
I rarely see a bug in my home, but when I do, it's usually the 14 pound variety. The other day, I see my cat Scooter stalking something with Samantha (my other cat) seemingly aiding and abetting him.
Curious, I investigate the commotion and find a large cockroach casually crawling around the kitchen. Samantha hangs back as Scooter lightly pats and toys with the critter.
Irritated, I grab a paper towel to catch and remove it, but Scooter picks it up with his mouth and high-tails into the bedroom and under the bed. I have no intent to get on the floor and look for the roach because some are known to carry guns and knives.
I go back to the living room and sit down to plan how to resolve the matter. I look up to see Scooter exiting the bedroom, sans cockroach, which means the little bastard is still under the bed. Declining to back into the bedroom, I grab a beer and sit in my recliner opting to sleep there until the cats finally do the intruder in.
The next morning, having forgotten the whole incident, I go into the kitchen only to find the roach dead on his back and both cats sitting proudly beside their kill.
The News As I See It: A study reveals A study reveals that the best way to add years to your life is to exercise, lose weight, and not drink too much. To which all of America replied, "What else you got?"
Starbucks should have a separate line for people who don't know what they want or how the world works.
The Duchess of Cambridge, Kate Middleton, had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had Taco Bell yesterday and couldn’t get off of the couch.
There's a whale in France that can say hello out of its blowhole and I still can't manage chrysanthemum on the first try.
This Date In History: 1809; Mary Kies of South Killingly, Connecticut, became the first woman to be granted a patent. The patent was for the rights to a technique for weaving straw with silk and thread. 1821; Napoleon Bonaparte died on the island of St. Helena.
1891; Carnegie Hall (then known as Music Hall) opened in New York City. Peter Tchaikovsky was the guest conductor. 1925;
John Scopes was arrested in Tennessee for teaching Darwinism. 1961; Alan Shepard became the first American in space.
1981: Bobby Sands of the Irish Republican Army died in a prison hospital on the 66th day of his hunger strike. 2004; Pablo Picasso's "Boy with a Pipe" became the most expensive painting ever sold.
Picture Of The Day: Thoughts for consideration.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If growing up in the '60s taught me one thing, it’s that my friends and I should have found that missing boy on the milk carton by now. 2) Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face. 3) I chaperoned my nephew's field trip to the farm today. Didn't lose any children, but this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home. 4) At this point, the only guy on the Internet that I trust with my personal data is that Nigerian Prince. 5) I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we lay making love, I thought. "These Taser guns are well worth the money.".....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 5th: The light is coming closer and soon you will see exactly what the future holds with a special someone. The light is a little bit blinding though, so you might want to duck out of the way when it gets within touching distance or possibly even turn around. But don't turn around for too long or the light will be gone. I'm pretty sure it's a light. I've discussed it with a other astrologers and it's either a light or a locomotive. Just in case, get out of the tunnel.
Birthdays: Soren Kierkegaard,
philosopher and religious thinker 1813, Nellie Bly,
journalist 1867,
Tyrone Power,
actor 1914,
Arthur L Schawlow,
physicist 1921,
Tammy Wynette,
country singer 1942,
Adele,
singer 1988.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A customer asked the clerk, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?" The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?"
He continued, "If I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?" The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
Two men are talking and one man says to the other, "I went for my routine checkup today." His friend asked, "Is everything okay?" The man said, "Everything was going fine until he stuck his finger up my ass."
His friend smiled and said, "That's normal procedure." The man replied, "So you don't think I should change dentists?"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump... Bump... Bump...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. Bump... Bump... Bump...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. Faster... Faster!... Bump... Bump... Bump...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket.... Clapping-Bump... Clappity-Bump... Clappity-Bump...
On his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding, his head is reeling, his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud crash the casket breaks down the door, bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket......and (wait for it)....the coffin stops.
A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Smelling of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window, handed it to the bartender and said, "I'd like to apply for the job."
He continued, "I was an F-4 driver, flying off carriers back in 'Nam, but when they retired the Phantom all the thrill was gone and soon they cashed me in as well. I learned to play the piano at Officer's Club happy-hour, so here I am."
The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try?
The seedy fighter-jockey staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced.
What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played. ''It's called 'Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You' "he said. After a long drink from the beer, leaving it empty, he added, "I wrote it myself."
The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light Up."
He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song,"Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Centerline", then he excused himself and headed for the bathroom.
When he came out of the bathroom, the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey, fly boy, the job is yours, but, do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?" The old fighter pilot replied, "Know it? Hell, I wrote it!"
That's it for today, my little tinker toys Remember, livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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Stay Tuned !
I remember loading film into my new camera, then searching for the flash bulbs. For some reason, we licked the poles of the flash bulb prior to insertion (Freudian?). After the film was used, I took it to the drugstore to have it developed. Black and white, of course.
I was around eleven years old when I got my first camera. I remember seeing an ad in my comic book that said if I sold a certain amount of 8"X10" religious cards, I would "win" a camera.
So, the materials arrived and off I went going house to house trying to sell my product for ten cents each. That may not sound like much but back in the day, you could buy a week's groceries for $5-7 dollars. It took me about two weeks to sell everything and then I mailed in the money and awaited my camera.
My camera finally arrived around two weeks later and it was then I realized that I would have to buy film and flash bulbs. I don't remember the cost or what development would cost, but I do recall that I had to go searching for soda bottles to cash in so I could pay for it.
No one in the family had a camera and I couldn't wait to finish my first roll of film. Most of the pictures "came out" (a term today's youth would not fathom). It was important to save the negatives for future reprints.
Over the next few years, I took mostly family pictures and stock car racing pictures. Oddly enough, most of the family pictures, including my grandfather, aunts, uncles and cousins were taken with my camera.
In retrospect, I'm happy I got my camera or I wouldn't have the few cherished pictures from my early childhood.
The News As I See It: Google has developed image-recognition software that can accurately capture what’s happening in a photo. But it still has some bugs. It described Kim Kardashian's recent photo as "Woman being chased by two Butterball turkeys."
A new study found that women have better memories than men. Also, a new study found that women have better memories than men.
This Date In History: 1803; The Senate ratified the Louisiana Purchase. 1944; Gen. Douglas MacArthur returned to the Philippines, 30 months after he said "I shall return." 1947; The U.S. House Un-American Activities Committee opened meetings about alleged Communist infiltration in the Hollywood film industry. 1964; Herbert Hoover, the 31st president of the United States, died in New York at age 90.
1968; Jacqueline Kennedy married Aristotle Onassis. 1973; During the Watergate scandal, Attorney General Elliot L. Richardson and Deputy Attorney General William B. Ruckelshaus resigned and special prosecutor Archibald Cox was dismissed by President Nixon in what came to be known as the "Saturday Night Massacre." 2011; Col. Muammar el-Qaddafi is killed by rebel troops in Surt, Libya, his hometown.
Picture Of The Day: My camera looked somewhat like this and I was thrilled when it arrived.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I hope my ship comes in before my dock rots. 2) The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma's mind sharp. She's been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen. 3) Back in the day, every TV had a remote control. In my house, it was usually me or my brother. 4) Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I learn how to tie my shoes with one hand. 5) It is said that the only difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is one degree in the normal reading. Personally, I think the main difference would be in the taste.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 18th: The evidence for love is staring you in the face but you can't see the forest for the trees. I think the best thing to do is to stop wandering into forests and stand toe-to-toe with the one that attracts you.
Birthdays: Arthur Rimbaud. poet 1854, John Dewey. philosopher, educator 1859, Charles Ives. composer 1874, Bela Lugosi. actor 1882, Jelly Roll Morton. musician 1890, Arlene Francis. actress, TV personality 1907, Art Buchwald, humorist 1925, Mickey Mantle, baseball player 1931, Tom Petty, musician 1950, Viggo Mortensen, actor 1958.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: If your child needs a last-minute Halloween costume, you can wrap him like The Mummy with your CVS receipts.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in an adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench.
After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?" He replies, "I lived here years ago." The old lady continued, "So, where were you all these years?" The man says, "In prison."
The old lady asked, "Why did they put you in prison?" He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife." The old woman said, "Oh! So you're single...?!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and it's always silent."
She went on, "As a matter of fact I've passed gas at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was passing gas because it doesn't smell and it's silent." The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back and says, "Doctor, I don't know what you gave me, but now my passing gas, although still silent, smells terribly." The doctor says, "Ok, now that we've cleared up your sinuses, we'll start to work on your hearing.
A mother of five decides to get plastic surgery on her privates so her husband can enjoy the snugness she had in her youth. So, she heads off to the doctor for the procedure.
Once the procedure is done, she wakes up to find three roses on her bed and asks the nurse who sent them.
The nurse says, "The doctor wanted you to know he appreciates the business, so he left you a rose. Then your husband came in with a rose, stating that he can't wait to feel the results of the surgery, so he left a rose, too."
The woman asks, "What about the third rose?" The nurse says, "Oh, that's from Ed in the burn unit. He wanted to say thanks for the new ears."
That's it for today, my little tater tots. Remember, anchovies or jalapenos added to jokes upon request; your mileage may vary; no substitutions!. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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More next week.
Stay Tuned !
At least it's Friday. People were yelling warnings at movie screens long before Jason's escapades. Scary movies keep people on the edge of their seats and once that eerie music begins, everyone knows not to leave that cabin or go up those stairs. But noooo.....!
Friday the 13th is considered an unlucky day in Western superstition. Realistically, any day you step in dog shit is bad luck, as well, so everything is relative. Of course you can make matters worse by making bad decisions.
Take into consideration the Canadian man and his family who were just released by the Taliban after five years because he thought taking a hike in Afghanistan was a good idea. But, I digress.
Friday the 13th ( the movie) had a long run and produced many sequels (ad nauseum). Of course, the older crowd might remember Frankenstein, The Werewolf, Dracula and The Mummy as nail-biters as well.
One of my favorites as a kid was The Blob and The Creature From The Black lagoon, the latter being the first horror film produced in 3-D.
My suggestion for today is to take things in stride and bad luck be damned. This particular thought was seconded by my black cat, Samantha, who suggested that things could be worse. You could be married to Bill or Hillary Clinton.....
The News As I See It: The big story this week is the Harvey Weinstein scandal. Some very serious allegations came out about his sexual misconduct. You can tell they’re bad because Anthony Weiner just unfriended him.
Reports say Netflix is raising its prices next month. Wow, that's gonna be quite a burden on whoever’s password I’m using.
A man from Italy just set a Guinness World Record by putting on 13 pairs of underwear in 30 seconds. On the downside, he’s now banned from Victoria’s Secret.
This Date In History: 1775; The Continental Congress authorized the construction of a naval fleet. 1792; The cornerstone of the White House was laid. 1843; The Jewish organization B'nai B'rith was founded. 1903; Boston defeated Pittsburgh in the first World Series.
1943; Italy declared war on Germany, its former Axis partner, during World War II. 1974; Ed Sullivan died in New York City at age 72. 1981; Egypt's vice president Hosni Mubarak was elected president, one week after Anwar Sadat's assassination.
Picture Of The Day: The Creature From The Black Lagoon.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When I was born, I was given a choice - to be well hung or have a good memory. I can't remember what I chose.
2) At six, I was left an orphan. What the hell is a six year old supposed to do with an orphan? 3) In an intellectually equal society, who will be the busboys? 4) I found out my girlfriend was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam and we're stoning her in the morning! 5) I wish that Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 13th: Temptation is everywhere, especially if you're willing to look for it. The best places to look are wedding receptions and class reunions.
Birthdays: Yves Montand, actor, singer 1921, Margaret Thatcher, British political leader 1925, Paul Simon, musician 1941, Jerry Rice, football player 1962, Nancy Kerrigan, figure skater 1969, Ashanti, singer, actress 1980, Ian Thorpe, swimmer 1982.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man goes to visit a fortune teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic said, "You complain about your wife's constant nagging and yelling, yet you still remain married. There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your wife will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the man stares at the fortune teller's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. He took a few deep breaths to compose himself. He simply had to know. He met the fortune-teller's gaze, steadied his voice, and asked, "Will I be found guilty?"
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I do?"
Mabel reached up to her ear, pulled out the suppository and stared at it. Then she said, "I think I know where to find my hearing aid."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for'small, $6,500 for medium and $14,000 for large.
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room and found the man looking dejected.
The doctor asked, "Well, what have the two of you decided?' The man replied, "She said she would rather remodel the kitchen."
A man and woman were in divorce court awaiting the judge's ruling on the financial and property settlement. The judge said, "Mr Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully and I've decided to give your wife $750 a week."
Mr Clark said, "That's very fair, your honor, and every now and then, I'll try to give her a few bucks, myself."
That's it for today, my little turtle doves. Remember, there's nothing better than a good friend, except a good friend with chocolate. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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More next week.
Stay Tuned !
I have to because sometimes I need expert advice. Being a night owl, I'm subjected to stupid attorneys doing their own TV commercials. I listen to politicians and media types start their sentences with "So...", which is today's substitute for "Um". I sit through moronic commercials that insult my intelligence.
Even a sixth grader knows that "so" indicates the continuation of a thought, not the beginning. They then continue answering every question or beginning new sentences with "So.....".
Yes, I talk to myself. I also answer myself, Some of my best conversations have been with me. I watch General Motors doing commercials using theoretical unknowing participants whose "canned" comments are believable if you're five-years-old.
The news is a joke and every headline or story varies to suit the networks political views and affiliations. The only thing they can't fake is catastrophes because most are obvious. That is, excepting weather reporters who make sure they wade into water to emphasize the situation when dry land is twenty yards away.
Just once, I'd like to see a chicken cross the road without someone questioning his motive. But, that's just me.....
My heart and prayers go out to the people of Texas and Florida who continue to recover from catastrophic hurricanes and to the people of Puerto Rico and Mexico who are currently experiencing hurricane and earthquake woes respectively.
The News As I See It: Some 7-Eleven stores are now offering what they are calling "restaurant quality" dishes. Olive Garden representatives said, "We're going to try that too."
Target is letting customers download an indoor map to help them find their way around the store. If you get lost at Costco, they just tell you to forget your old life and move in.
Taco Bell said it will start serving alcohol at some locations. So the next time you think that you're having a bad day, imagine the guy who gets cut off by the cashier at Taco Bell.
Happy Rosh Hashanah to my Jewish readers.
Of course, Rosh Hashanah is the Jewish New Year. So happy 5778, everybody! I'm so glad it's 5778 because 5777 sucked.
This Date In History: 1901; Queen Victoria of England died after reigning for 63 years (the 4th longest among longest-reigning monarchs and the longest for queens). 1905; 500 workers were killed by the Czar's troops in "Bloody Sunday" in St. Petersburg.
1938; Thornton Wilder's play Our Town first performed publicly in Princeton, N.J. 1973; The Supreme Court legalized some abortions in Roe v. Wade. 1997; The U.S. Senate confirmed Madeleine Albright as the first female secretary of state.
Picture Of The Day: Yosemite Sam's pissed too..... !
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook and then watching your 2-year-old eat a dog treat from off the floor and then ask for another.
2) My girlfriend told me she had an epiphany last night, which surprised me because that wasn't even my "A" game. 3) What North Korea really needs is some decent barbers who know how to cut hair. 4) Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is, apparently, a skill that I do not possess. 5) My father once told me: "Son, you should never lie. One lie begets another lie, then another lie and before you know it, you're either a lawyer or a politician.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 22nd: Your weaknesses may turn out to be your strengths today and you'll find yourself easily swayed by nonsense that you read on Facebook. Don't confuse dumb waiters with Afghani asylum seekers. They're normally taxi drivers. Sex on the beach is not an act, it's a drink.....most of the time.
Birthdays: Michael Faraday, English scientist 1791, Theodore Clement Steele, artist 1847, Babette Deutsch, poet 1895, Tommy Lasorda, baseball manager 1927.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10 speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job.
There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase.
So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Joseph told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no friggin' bike!"
Calvin Rickson, an engineer from Texas A&M University, has designed a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and stops nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
After a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of Texans took Mr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over.
The woman said, "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you. If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" The sheep herder said, "Sure." So, looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382". The herder said, "Wow! That's exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home."
So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you". The woman asked, "What is it? The herder said, "If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, cleaning my barn, working on tractors and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
The woman said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women." The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
That's it for today, my little tumbleweeds. Remember, poetry would be a lot harder if violets were orange. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.
More next week.
Television shows today are garbage. Networks are too cheap to pay good actors so they put on reality shows knowing they can pay next to nothing. So, I always have the news on in the background. Sadly, the TV ads are for drugs, pain relief, gas and constipation.
They advertise every drug by name so that hopefully, you ask your doctor for that particular drug in lieu of a cheaper, generic drug. I find that the side effects far outweigh the use of the drugs. These ads are aimed at the older crowd who normally follow the news and politics more that the bubble gum crowd. Alas, advertisers target this audience with "everything hurts" advertising.
One of the best sitcoms on TV is "The Big Bang Theory". It is well written and acted. Other than that, I find most of my entertainment on reruns of Seinfeld, Friends, Two and a Half Men and Rules of Engagement. I'd rather watch reruns of a good show than the current crap the networks are hawking today.
That reminds me. I gotta go take my meds.......
The News As I See It: A new study just came out that found that breast implants can save your life if you’re shot in the chest. In a related story, the "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" just joined SEAL Team 6.
In May of this year, In May of this year, police in Detroit announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 200 pounds of heroin, 5 million in forged US banknotes and 25 trafficked prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library on Woodward Ave.
Local residents were stunned. A community spokesman said, "We're all shocked! We never knew we had a library."
This Date In History: 1789; The storming and destruction of Bastille marked the beginning of the French Revolution. 1798; Congress passed the Sedition Act, making it a crime to publish false, scandalous, or malicious writing about the U.S. government.
1881; Billy the Kid was shot by Sheriff Pat Garrett in New Mexico.
1921; In one of the most controversial cases in U.S. history, anarchists Nicola Sacco and Bartolomeo Vanzetti were convicted of two murders and sentenced to death.
1933; In Germany, all political parties except the Nazi party were outlawed.
1945; Dr. Spock's Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care was published. 1958; A military coup overthrew the monarchy in Iraq, killing King Faisal II. General Abdul Karim Kassem becomes Iraq's leader.
Picture Of The Day: Yep !
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I hope I'm the last guy on earth. I want to see if all those women were lying to me.
2) Before Walmart, I used to have to buy a ticket to the circus to see the bearded lady. 3) My grandfather use to tell us about walking 10 miles to school. I tell my grandchildren about walking across the room to change channels on the TV. 4) People, stop editing your pics. What if you go missing? How can I find you if you look like Kaley Cuoco on Facebook but Yoda in real life? 5) I accidentally pushed my cat, Scooter, off of the bed while adjusting my blankets. Now he's sitting in the corner sadly humming a Sarah McLachlan song.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 14: Now that you're finally getting over your weekend antics, I suggest that you maintain a low profile until all of the various social sites quit running those pictures of you that seemed funny at the time. Seriously, you're not the first to wear a lampshade as a hat. Chance of romance is 17.62 percent.
Birthdays: James McNeill Whistler, painter 1834, Emmeline Pankhurst, woman suffragist 1858, Gertrude Bell, traveler, author and government official 1868, Woody Guthrie, American folk singer, guitarist and composer 1912, Gerald R. Ford, 38th President of the United States 1913, Ingmar Bergman, director 1918.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man went fishing one morning but after a short time, he ran out of worms. Then he saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bat. Knowing the snake couldn't bite him with the frog in his mouth, he grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in his bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, he grabbed his bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. The snake's eyes rolled back and he went limp.
The man released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog. A little later, he felt a nudge on my foot. It was that snake...with two more frogs.
Two guys from New Orleans were sitting around talking one afternoon. After a while the first fellow says to the second, "If I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off hunting and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about that, but it sure would make us even."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Mike for his contribution to today's stories.
In light of the rising frequency of human and grizzly bear confrontations, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters and fishermen to take extra precautions and be alert for bears while in the field.
They advise that outdoorsmen wear small bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them and to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.
Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain lots of berries and fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in it and smell like pepper.
A woman walked into a jewelry store and bent over to look more closely at a piece of jewelry, inadvertently breaking wind. Embarrassed, she looked around to see if anyone had heard the "accident" and prayed that no salesman would come to attend her until the "fog had lifted".
Her worst fears were realized when a salesman came to assist her. Hoping that the salesman was not near at the time, she nervously asked, "Sir, exactly how much is this lovely bracelet?" The salesman responded, "Lady, if you farted when you looked at it, you're gonna shit when you hear the price."
That's it for today, my little frisbees. Remember, the easiest way to piss off a vegan is to refer to their choice of diet as an "eating disorder". I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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More next week.
Stay Tuned !
