Trophy Wives

You may have heard the term "trophy wife (or girlfriend)." Ostensibly, if you're married or have a girlfriend, that's your "trophy." Of course, not everyone gets a first place trophy. In fact, some guys only get plaques, which I assume is better than "honorable mention." If you marry the neighborhood hoochie, you get a participation ribbon.

Similarly, it only stands to reason that some women have "trophy husbands." I have no idea what women would classify as a trophy, but I'm assuming that not being broke and having a job would have high priority in the definition.

My friend had a trophy girlfriend and almost married her. When he asked about her past, she said she'd only had two affairs. They broke up about a month later when he learned her two affairs were with the Baltimore Colts and the Green Bay Packers.

The News As I See It: Rick Perry is the first candidate I've ever heard say he's not doing well because he's sleepy. You know, we criticized George W. Bush a lot, but there was one thing he was very disciplined about, and that was getting his full eight years of sleep.

Obama is going to be a guest on "The Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. I'm surprised, because his popularity is at an all-time low and there are people in the streets marching against him. It's nice of Obama to help him out.

Lindsay Lohan has to go back to court after showing up more than an hour late for community service. Her lawyer says she's got a good excuse. She forgot to steal a watch.

This Date In History: 1648; The treaties for the Peace of Westphalia were signed, ending the Thirty Years War, ultimately destroying the Holy Roman Empire, and ushering in the modern European state system. 1901; Anna Edson Taylor became the first person to survive going over Niagara Falls in a barrel.

1931; The George Washington Bridge, connecting New York and New Jersey, opened to traffic. 1939; Nylon stockings were sold publicly for the first time, in Wilmington, Delaware. 1940; The 40-hour work week went into effect under the Fair Labor Standards Act of 1938.

1945; The United Nations officially came into being as its charter took effect. 1992; The Toronto Blue Jays became the first non-U.S. team to win the World Series. 2003; The last Concordes landed in London, ending supersonic air travel.

Picture Of The Day: They all ain't trophys......

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I had a weird dream last night. I dreamed that God sneezed and I didn't know what to say. 2) My ex-girlfriend was so bad in bed that after we had sex, I drew a chalk outline around her. 3) I smoke cigars occasionally. I don't know a lot about cigars. Yesterday, at a cigar store, the guy behind the counter says, "What kind of cigars do you want?" I said, "Uhhh...Give me a dozen 'Itsaboys'." 4) My nephew has ADHD/HD. He can never sit still, but his picture quality is incredible. 5) I once got into trouble on a date. I didn't open her car door. Instead, I just swam to the surface.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Scorpio - October 24th: Minor changes to your driving style allows you to feel like you're a better driver. You're not, but it's the thought that counts. Today should be good for you but I wouldn't eat any seafood. Come to think of it, I wouldn't go near any body of water.

Birthdays: Antony van Leeuwenhoek, zoologist 1632, Belva Ann Bennett Lockwood, lawyer activist 1830, Moss Hart, dramatist 1904, Denise Levertov, poet 1923, George Crumb, composer 1929, F. Murray Abraham, actor 1939, Kevin Kline, actor 1947, Kweisi Mfume, politician 1948, Wayne Rooney, soccer player 1985.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two young businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up. One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some old person is going to
walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious old man walked up to the
window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice
asked, "What are you sellin' here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assholes." Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Dutch for her contribution to today's stories.

An attractive woman goes up to the bar in a nightclub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she softly strokes his face and asks, "Are you the manager?" The bartender, obviously interested, replies, "No, can I help you?" She says, "Can you get the manager for me? I need to speak to him."

The barman, clearly aroused, says, "No, he's busy right now. Is there anything I can do?" The woman says, "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message." She sensuously rubs her fingers across his lips and says, "Tell him that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?" Nancy replied tearfully without looking up, "My goldfish and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your fricking cat."

A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other. Neither one remembers what kind of animal they are, so they decide to feel each other. The rabbit says, "You feel me first." The snake says okay, and he starts feeling the rabbit. He says, "Well, you have fur all over, and a little cotton tail, and two long ears, and big back feet..." The rabbit says, "I know! I'm a rabbit! Yippee!"

Then the rabbit feels the snake. He says, "Okay, you're long and thin, and slimy all over, and there's a little forked tongue..." The snake says, "Oh no, I'm a lawyer."

That's it for today my little field mice. Remember, time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !