There's Nothing Worse Than The Smell Of.....Collard Greens!

I love eating collard greens but there's a distinct aroma that rises when they're cooking. It smells like the whole family has gas and everyone went to the kitchen to relieve the pressure. I'm talking about a smell so bad that house flies cling to the inside of the screen door trying to get out.

I recall coming home from elementary school one day and when I walked into the house, the smell was overpowering. I asked my mother if she was cooking collard greens or if daddy was on the toilet. Nevertheless, as I've often heard, once you get past the smell, you've got it licked.

When mom cooked collard greens, it was usually served with black eyed peas and corn bread. Mom always cooked her cornbread is a black cast iron skillet and it was always good. Oddly enough, I can't think of any particular meat that was served with these dishes probably because I remember looking forward to the cornbread and collards.

Some chefs say that like other cruciferous vegetables, collard greens emit an unpleasant sulfur smell while cooking. I would like to correct that reasoning by simply stating that if left over collards greens are left out for a long period of time, your cat will take it's paw and cover them up......

The News As I See It: The JetBlue pilot who went coo-coo recently will plead that he was temporarily insane, which explains JetBlue's new slogan, "Don't worry. Our pilots are only temporarily insane."

Reporters in Colombia are digging up anything on the Secret Service prostitution scandal. There was a dispute in the hotel. The escort said they made an agreement the night before to pay her $800, which is a lot for an escort. For that, you could get a Ford Escort.

This Date In History: 1616; Playwright William Shakespeare died in Stratford-on-Avon, England. 1954; Hank Aaron hit the first of his 755 home runs. 1969; Sirhan Sirhan was sentenced to death (later reduced to a life sentence) for the assassination of Robert F. Kennedy.

1985; Coca-Cola announced that it was changing its formula and introduced New Coke. 1998; James Earl Ray, convicted of assassinating Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., died. 2004; The U.S. resumed diplomatic relations with Libya

Picture Of The Day: India has detonated underground nuclear explosives according to recent reports by the Indian government. Both AOL Customer Service and Seven Eleven Stores have expressed their displeasure over the incident claiming that these actions would severely hamper their source of employees.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I wanted to write a song called "Smelly Cat" but some blonde chick already published it. 2) When I was younger, my old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. 3) Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. 4) Serendipity is looking in a haystack for a needle and discovering the farmer's daughter. 5) Pull up your pants and straighten your hat, you look like an asshole!.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - April 23rd: Things you did last week may come back to haunt you. Dark sunglasses and low profile are in order. Chance of romance is 13.61 percent and that's if you're lucky.

Birthdays: My old friend Pete, whereever you are, Happy Birhthday 19XX William Shakespeare, English dramatist and poet 1564, J.M.W. Turner painter 1775, James Buchanan President 1791, Max Planck physicist 1858, Sergei Prokofiev composer 1891, Ngaio Marsh detective story writer 1899, Shirley Temple Black actress, politician 1928.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: After eight days of backpacking with his wife, the old man and his wife were looking pretty scruffy. One morning, she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles.

She said, "Does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?" The old man thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"

An old woman asked asked her aging husband whu he didn't do aomething useful with his time. She suggested he go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. He did this and when he got home that night, he told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said "Are you nuts? You're almost 70 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" He proudly showed her that h even got a membership card. She said to him, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

The old man said, "I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up for five jumps next week! "

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: "What Do You Look For In Choosing A Spouse." I was so touched by these prayers, that I thought that I would share them with you:

The woman wrote: Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep. One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's rich and self-employed, and when I spend, won't be annoyed.

Pull out my chair and hold my hand. Massage my feet and help me stand. Oh send a king to make me queen. A man who loves to cook and clean. I pray this man will love no other and relish visits with my mother.

The man wrote: I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big tits who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says, "Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands. By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really hard."

He continued, "By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty five degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand."

The second drunk, "What's your point?" The first drunk replies, "Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."

Alabama Tom called the FBI. A man answered and Tom said, "Hello, is this the FBI?" The man said, "Yes. What do you want?" Tom said, "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." The FBI man said, "Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. It's Tom and he asks, "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?" Billy Bob replies, "Yeah!" Tom says, "Did they chop your firewood?" Billy Bob answered, "Yep." Tom says, "Happy Birthday, Buddy"

That's it for today, my little dumplings. Remember, you might be a redneck if you take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !