Columbus Day - Plant Your Flag Somewhere

Today is Columbus Day and be happy that Christopher Columbus found America first. His nemesis, Garmin Von Goögle Maps, showed up minutes later after taking an alternate route. It's normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.

One of my favorite things to to on Columbus Day is to go around planting flags at different places and say I own it. This particular move did not work out well at the Indian Casino. As it turns out, they had seen that trick before.

As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions. So, Happy Columbus Day! I hope everyone takes the day to appreciate our country and of course, look for new continents.

Meanwhile, the government shutdown continues. It's now Day 14 and former democratic congressman Anthony Weiner has decided to help. He took a photo and tweeted it to Congress. Now they can see where their balls are located.

The News As I See It: Obama's approval rating is down to 37 percent. Time to kill bin Laden again. Nobody’s happy about the government shutdown.

The Taliban just issued a statement where they criticized Congress for putting themselves before everyone else. You know things are bad when Americans are saying, "Yeah, gotta go with the Taliban on this one."

The Vatican made news this week after it released 6,000 commemorative medals with the word “Jesus” misspelled. When they saw what happened, the Vatican was like, “Oh, my Dog!”

Detroit's former mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick, has been sentenced to 28 years in prison for corruption. Well, lucky for him his years in Detroit will count as time served.

If you go to the country of Kuwait, they give you something called a gay test. It's apparently illegal to be gay in Kuwait, so they ask one question, "Do you watch the Tony Awards?"

We seem to be getting along just fine without a government during the shutdown. I just pray that when the shutdown is over, all nonessential employees — about 800,000 of them — will be back at their nonessential jobs.

This Date In History: 1066; The Normans, under William the Conqueror, defeated the English at the Battle of Hastings. 1933; Nazi Germany withdrew from the Geneva disarmament conference and the League of Nations.

1947; U.S. Air Force Captain Charles "Chuck" Yeager became the first person to travel faster than the speed of sound. 1964; Martin Luther King, Jr., was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for his work in civil rights.

1968; The first live telecast from a staffed U.S. spacecraft was transmitted from Apollo 7. 1990; Composer-conductor Leonard Bernstein died in New York at age 72.

Picture Of The Day: Th

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Do cops tell bad guys to freeze in Alaska or is it just understood? 2) The Surgeon General warns that alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women. 3) By the way, I'm a vegan until my next paycheck. 4) Relationships are fun. When the girl I just met went in the other room, I asked her dog what she looks like naked. 5) Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they're making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 13th: When your lover starts wearing more clothes to bed than to work, it's a good guess that your happiness is close to being over. Dogs will find themselves inexplicably attracted to your shins, this week.

Birthdays: My pals Matt and Rhonda - Happy Birthday! 19XX, James II king of England, Scotland and Ireland 1633, William Penn founder of Pennsylvania 1644, Elwood Haynes, inventor 1857, Dwight D. Eisenhower, American general and 34th President of the United States 1890, Lillian Gish, actress 1893, e. e. cummings, poet 1894, William Edwards Deming, management consultant 1900, Hannah Arendt, political theorist, 1906, Roger Moore, actor 1927, Ralph Lauren, fashion designer 1939.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: This is an imaginary situation, but I think it is fun to decide what one would do. The situation: You are in Washington, DC, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and structures destroyed.

Let's say that you're a photographer and getting still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes. You come across Barack Obama who has been swept away by the flood waters.

He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and is about to go under. You can either put down your camera and save him or take a Pulitzer Prize winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb.

Here's the question and think carefully: Which lens would you use?

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" The man said, "No matter, observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side.

When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered round the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" The Bishop sadly replied, "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Mike for his contribution to today's stories.

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

Little Johnny's class were on a trip to their local police station. There they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted."

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. The policeman said, "Yes, the detectives want him very badly." Little Johnny asked, while tugging on the man's belt, "Um, mister, why didn't you keep them when you took their pictures?"

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy,went to the local church for confession.When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood, knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."      

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to confess that." The man said, "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week and sometimes twice on Sundays."      

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

The man said, "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question." The priest asked, "And what is that?" The man said, "Should I tell her the war is over?"

That's it for today, my little chicklets. Remember, after drinking coffee at work, show your empty mug to the IT guy and tell him you've successfully installed Java. He'll hate you.....

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !