Merry Christmas

Every year, each in it's own way, affects the lives of everyone. I am thankful for 2013 and for my family and friends everywhere. My fondest wishes and dreams are that everyone has a peaceful, healthy and safe Christmas and a Happy New Year. 2014 will hopefully be an even better year with peace on earth.

The News As I See It: Obama's approval rating is way down and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, who admitted to smoking crack cocaine, went up to 49 percent. Obama would have been better off smoking crack than passing Obamacare.

Obama said they've had some glitches with the ObamaCare website. I'll tell you something. If you order a pair of pants online and they send you the wrong color, that's a glitch. This is like a Carnival cruise.

UPS will be delivering many packages late this year due to demand and weather. I'm sure this is heartbreaking news for those of you awaiting Aunt Bessie's fruit cake and Aunt Maude's comfort cozies. 

This Date In History: 1066; William the Conqueror was crowned King of England. 1776; George Washington crossed the Delaware River and surprised the Hessians. 1868; President Andrew Johnson granted an unconditional pardon to all persons involved in the Southern rebellion that resulted in the Civil War.

1926; Hirohito became emperor of Japan. 1977; British film actor, director, and producer Charlie Chaplin died in Switzerland at age 88. 1989; Former Romanian president Nicolae Ceausescu and his wife were executed. 1991; President Mikhail Gorbachev resigned following the disintegration of the Soviet Union.

Picture Of The Day: Christmas Kittens

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. 2) You know you were drunk on Christmas Eve when you realize you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees. 3) Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I'm not sure what it means. 4) The Origin of Eggnog: (Him): "I want to get drunk in public." (Her): "Me too but on pancake batter." (Him): "If only there was a way to solve both problems." 5) All I got for Christmas was a sweater. I would have preferred a moaner or a biter.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - December 25th: The best thing that today's horoscope holds for you is that you are born the same day as the baby Jesus. Combine this and a bit of Listerine to rid yourself from bad breath after today's Christmas dinner and you'll be in fine shape.

Birthdays: Clara Barton, American Red Cross founder 1821, Helena Rubinstein, cosmetics executive 1870, Maurice Utrillo, painter 1883, Conrad Hilton, hotel and business owner 1887, Robert L. Ripley, cartoonist 1893, Humphrey Bogart, actor 1899, Cab Calloway, band leader 1907, Jimmy Buffett, singer and musician 1946, Barbara Mandrell, country musician 1948, Sissy Spacek, actress 1949.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" The priest replied, "Of course. What may I do for you?"

The woman said, "Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robe, perhaps?"

The priest said, "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie." The woman said, "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" The priest replied, "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" The priest said, "I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." Next!

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns.

He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say, "Think we should tell him it's a septic tank?"
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A nun was in a hurry on her way to her job at the local Catholic Charity Hospital when her car suddenly runs out of gas. Luckily, she was only a block and a half from a gas station, so she got out of her car and quickly walked there.

At the station, she asked the attendant to give her a quart of gasoline so that she could start her car and drive it over to fill it up. The attendant told her that he only had one gas can and he just loaned it to someone else. She told the attendant that she was in a hurry and would look in her car to find something to hold the gas.

When she got back the the car, the only suitable container she found was a bedpan, which looked like it could easily hold a quart of gas. She brought the bedpan to the station and the attendant filled it with gas.

The nun got back to her car and started to pour the gas from the bedpan into her car. Just as she started pouring, two drunks walked by. One of the drunks said to the other, "If that car starts, I'm converting to Catholicism forever!"

 A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

The minister says, "Just a minute. That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?" Saint Peter replies, "Up here, we work by results. While you preached, people slept. While he drove, people prayed."

That's it for today, my tired little elves. Remember, one of the best ways to prepare for marriage is to wait 15 minutes in your car before going anywhere. I'll have to invent an AREA 51 party somewhere. Every one's partying.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !