Dream, Nightmare Or Broadway Musical?

Lately, my dreams have a cast of characters that makes "The Exorcist" look like Sesame Street. Moreover, I know half the players. The old days of "Debbie Does Dallas" still occasionally make a cameo appearance, but are always chased away by the wicked witch of the west.

The odd thing about this is that rare occasion that I get a chance to get in bed with an old flame or a damsel who has recently caught my eye, the rulers of my subconscious seem to take delight in screwing up my chances of scoring a touchdown.

One good thing is that if I fall in the dream, I never hit the ground. If I'm shot at, I'm never hit. Truthfully, I think the dream program comes from an archaic computer running on AOL. Fortunately, most of the female players are brought into the dream as their younger selves and at their former fighting weight, so all is not lost.

I can normally analyze my dream and figure out the circumstances as to who or what the dream is about. But, the dream maker has risen to new heights in how the people, places and circumstances are combined.

If I were able to paint a mental picture as to the rhyme or reason as to how my dreams play out, just imagine concocting a "Dagwood" sandwich. For those of you that are unaware of the term or have never read the Sunday funnies back in the day, ask your parents.....

Florida Governor Rick Scott signed a bill Monday with vocational students in mind. Under the new law, students will still strive for a diploma. But there will be two type. One will be stamped scholar, for kids pursuing a four-year college education and one stamped professional, for those who are on a vocational path.

Starting next year, students who opt for the vocational path will be able to graduate without taking algebra II and chemistry. They’ll take courses in fields that interest them, everything from auto mechanics to information technology and nursing.

Although I'm a bit torn by this, my thoughts that the new diploma is better than a G.E.D. and may serve to keep borderline students in school.

The News As I See It: After his press conference about the big traffic scandal, Chris Christie traveled to Fort Lee, New Jersey, to personally apologize to the mayor there, but it took longer than he thought. Apparently traffic was a nightmare. Christie apologized and promised the bridge will stay open for cars, trucks and the buses he's throwing his staff under.

Obama has laid out plans for creating what he called "promise zones" all across the count - spots that will receive extra financial and economic attention from the government. Don't confuse those areas with the rest of the country. Those are "broken promise" zones.

Velveeta Cheese is sparking a rumor that there will be a product shortage due to preparation for the Super Bowl. The only reason that (Velveeta) cheese dip, nachos and Taco Bell even exist is football games, beer and marijuana.

Obama has launched a preliminary search for the location of his presidential library. Members of his team are pushing for his birthplace. But I'm thinking Kenya is a bit too far.

In the new movie "The Wolf of Wall Street," they say the F-word was used a record 506 times. This breaks the old record of 505 times set by Obama when he heard about former secretary of defense Robert Gates' new book.

Obama gave photographers a rare chance to take pictures of his weekly lunch with Joe Biden. Then Biden told his friends, "Told you I knew Barry."  

This Date In History: 1898; French writer Emile Zola published his "J'Accuse" letter, accusing the French of a cover-up in the Alfred Dreyfus treason case. 1941; Novelist James Joyce died in Zurich.

1990 Douglas Wilder of Virginia became the first elected African-American governor in the United States. 1999; Michael Jordan announced his second retirement from the NBA. He would "unretire" again in 2001.

2002; After 17,162 performances, The Fantasticks ended its almost 42-year off-Broadway run. 2004 Joseph Darby, a U.S. soldier at Iraq's Abu Ghraib prison, reported U.S. abuses of Iraqi prisoners to the Army's Criminal Investigations Division.

Picture Of The Day: Now this is what I'd call a cute kid.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Grilled cheese is just regular cheese that's been forced to account for its whereabouts last night between 9:30 and 11. 2) My body is a temple, but it's like one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place. 3) Losing your cell phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away. 4) Based on their level of excitement, young guys in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere. 5) I heard the phrase "Keep your friends clothes and keep your enemies clothes, sir." Now I'm surrounded by a bunch of pissed off naked people yelling at me.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - January 13th: You may think that starting fresh on Monday would be of some comfort, but it really won't be. The law may be your friend today, then again, it might turn round and bite you in the ass.

Birthdays: Jan van Goyen, landscape painter 1596, Salmon P. Chase, public official and jurist 1808, Horatio Alger, American writer 1832, Elmer Davis, radio commentator 1890, Gwen Verdon, dancer, actor 1925, Charles Nelson Reilly, actor, theater director 1931, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, actress 1961, Patrick Dempsey, actor 1966, Orlando Bloom, actor 1977.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, "Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity." The man continued, "Yep, I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!" The preacher said, "No shit?"

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station, filled his tank, and took a break by his car while drinking a soda. As he relaxed, he watch a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him by about 25 feet and filled in the hole.

The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. Overcome by curiosity, the fellow headed for the first man. He said to the men, "Hey there, can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?" One of the men answered, "We work for the county government."

The fellow protested, "But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. Isn't that a waste of the county's money?" The worker replied, "Well, normally there's three of us....me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back. Just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean we can't work, does it?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. The boy exclaimed, "Gee, Mom, for me?" His mother replied, "Just take two, the rest are for your father."

Little Johnny brings his grandfather into class one day to tell the children some of his WWII air force stories. His grandfather said, "The situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. One day, we were deep over enemy territory. I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these Fokkers appeared." (Several of the children giggle.)

His grandfather continued, "I looked up, and right above me was a Fokker. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another Fokker behind me." (Now, the girls in the auditorium are giggling louder and the boys are starting to laugh).

The teacher stands up and says, "Sir, I think I should point out to the children that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company that manufactured the fighter." Johnny's grandfather replied, "That's true, but these Fokkers were flying Messerschmidt's."

That's it for today, my little Golder Globe winners. Remember this train tip. A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !