My Secret Hiding Place

I have a secret hiding place. It has several $100 bills in it. I've had it for years and someday, I will remember where it is. It used to be in the inside pocket of my Armani coat, but I changed it when I sent my coat to the cleaners.

Theoretically, and in actuality, the new site was far better. It must have been, because I have no idea where it is. I changed it when I was married and that is a disturbing thought, because it may have been in the house I generously gave to my ex-wife in the divorce agreement. But, I digress.....

The bottom line is I can't find it although I assume I was wise enough to make it mobile. The computer age was in its infancy when the hiding place was created. If computers would have existed, en masse, at the time, I would have stored it in the same manner as I do my various passwords.

When I got my first computer, I used what I thought was a very clever password and everything was fine....or so I thought. Passwords are now more sophisticated, some requiring numbers and capital letters.

Even worse, many sites recommend using different passwords for different sites thus (theoretically) preventing hackers from stealing my identity and taking my $12 out of my checking account.

Now, I have different passwords for each account, all impossible to remember. So, I established a code on each contact to jog my memory as to the password. Are you with me so far?

After thinking everything over, even if I had put the location of my secret hiding place in my computer, I would have forgotten the password and thereby negated any chance of finding it. I think I'll return to square one.....

The News As I See It: The New York Times is reporting that next week the L.A. County Sheriff's Department will present evidence to prosecute Caitlyn Jenner for her role in a fatal car accident that happened in Malibu earlier this year. This is crazy. Caitlyn Jenner had nothing to do with that. Bruce Jenner is the one that was in that accident.

Starbucks just announced that its Pumpkin Spice Latte will now include real pumpkin. You'll know the drink has real pumpkin when it tastes disgusting.

The Cadillac Escalade EXT is the most popular car driven in New York. Partly because they're stylish, but mostly because New Yorkers like to have a place to stretch out when they leave their apartments.

A new study found that many types of head lice have mutated and now have become resistant to over-the-counter treatments. The problem has scientists scratching their heads.

Wednesday was Bill Clinton's birthday. Hillary sent Bill an e-birthday card and out of habit she immediately deleted it.

At the bank yesterday, I went through the little rope maze that they put up when the bank is busy. The funny thing is that there were no customers in the bank, yet I went through the maze anyway. The teller gave me my deposit receipt but neglected to give me my cheese reward.

This Date In History: 1680; Pueblo Indians drove out the Spanish and took possession of Santa Fe, N.M. 1831; Nat Turner led an insurrection of slaves in Virginia. 1858; The famous debates between Senator Stephen Douglas and Abraham Lincoln began in Illinois.

1911; The Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre museum in France by an Italian waiter, Vicenzo Perruggia. 1940; Russian revolutionary Leon Trotsky died in Mexico City. 1945; Harry S. Truman announced the end of the Lend-Lease Program. 1959; Hawaii became the 50th state in the United States.

1983; Corazon Aquino's husband Benigno, who was Philippine president Ferdinand Marcos's chief political opponent, was assassinated. 1991; Latvia declared its independence from the Soviet Union.

Picture Of The Day: My cat Samantha doesn't need a secret hiding spot. Sometimes at night, I have to feel the bed to make sure I don't roll over on her.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) At my last checkup, my doctor suggested that a combination of wine, women and song often shortens a man's life. If that's true, I may start singing karaoke less often. 2) For the "My other car is....." people, your other car is just as unreliable as your wit. 3) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. I don't remember who wrote that. 4) When I first met my future ex-mother-in-law, I could already visualize the duct tape over her mouth. 5) We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I owned my own home.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 21st: Today is an umbrella day but don't take that old one you've had for five years. Blow the dust off of your wallet and buy one at the grocery store, you tightwad. Hey, were talking ten dollars here! On the bright side, if it does rain tonight, you'll save the money you were going to spend at happy hour

Birthdays: Philip II, king of France 1165, Count Basie, jazz pianist 1904, Wilt Chamberlain, professional basketball player 1936, Archie Griffin football running back 1954.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

The woman said, "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" The woman replied, "On my balls."

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches." The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "six." The judge then said, "I will give you six days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?" The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The teacher asked Catherine, "If you were president what would be the first thing you would do?" Catherine replied, "I would give houses to all the people who are homeless or receive welfare." The teacher said, "You'd be a perfect candidate for the democratic party."

The teacher continued, ''What a worthy goal you have there, Catherine, but you don't have to wait until you're president. You can start now by coming over to my house and cleaning up all the dog shit in my back yard and I will pay you five dollars. Then, we can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy on welfare hangs out and you can give him the five dollars."

Catherine thought that over for a second and replied, "Why doesn't the homeless guy just come over and clean up the dog shit and you can pay him the five dollars?" The teacher said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

A priest visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven. The woman said she would try her best. The priest visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.

The woman replied, "Not bad, I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my panties to one side and made love to me right then and there."

The priest said, "They don't like that in heaven, said God. The woman replied, "They weren't too happy about it at the supermarket, either!"

That's it for today, my little tumbleweeds. Remember, outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !