Seniors With Attitudes

As we get older, age and patience become like oil and water, especially in traffic. People pull out in front of you and act like it's your fault. My friend Toussant changed his car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of his way much faster now. I'm changing mine too.

We're not saying that some pedestrians and some drivers are stupid. We're just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

It just seems like sometimes it's just not worth the trouble dealing with the hard of understanding. I'm not saying that they're stupid. I'm just saying that they have bad luck when it comes to thinking. It's like they're inflicted with Nancy Pelosi Syndrome. And it's not just motorists.

I've become accustomed to the lack of knowledge and common sense by most young people, but even some of my older friends are beginning to spout verbiage which makes me want to stick a sharp pencil in their ear.

My friend Wally uses W. C. Fields philosophy which is, "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it."

Hey, I don't profess to be a Rhodes Scholar, but I try to avoid making comments about things I know little about. My father once told me, "If you don't speak about things you don't understand, people may think you are stupid. However, once you open your mouth and make an uneducated remark, they'll know you're stupid."

Obama's hopes of preserving the nuclear deal between Iran and world powers were dealt a setback on Thursday when Chuck Schumer, one of the top Democrats in the U.S. Senate, said he would the oppose the agreement.

Schumer's opposition, announced in a lengthy statement, could pave the way for more of Obama's fellow Democrats to come out against the nuclear pact announced on July 1 between the United States, five other world powers and Iran.

The New York senator is among the most influential Jewish lawmakers in the United States. He was the first Senate Democrat to announce his opposition to the agreement.

Another influential Jewish lawmaker, U.S. Representative Eliot Engel, the top Democrat on the House of Representatives Foreign Affairs Committee, also said on Thursday he would oppose the nuclear pact in a statement obtained by Reuters.

The News As I See It: There was a bit of controversy at a Whole Foods in California that was charging six bucks for something called Asparagus Water. People were upset over this. Then, again, if you're drinking water that smells like asparagus, you're probably a dog and that's a toilet.

They're trying to figure out who should replace Alexander Hamilton on the $10 bill. The top choice is Eleanor Roosevelt. Better luck next time, Rosie O'Donnell.

A new study finds that Michelle Obama's "Let's Move" program may have caused people to actually gain weight. Many mistook the slogan to mean, let's move next door to a Cinnabon.

This Date In History: 1789; Congress established the U.S. War Department. 1947; The wooden raft Kon-Tiki, which carried Thor Heyerdahl and five companions more than 4,000 miles, crashed into a reef in the Pacific.

1959; The United States launched Explorer 6, which sent back a picture of Earth. 1964; Congress passed the Tonkin Gulf Resolution, which expanded President Johnson's use of military powers in the Vietnam War.

1987; Lynne Cox becomes the first person to swim from the United States to the Soviet Union, making the 2.7 mile trip through the frigid waters of the Bering Strait. Cox is surprised by the (relatively) warm welcome she receives from the Soviets.

1998 ; U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed, by terrorists. Some 224 were killed and more than 5,500 injured. 2000; Sen. Joseph Lieberman of Conn., was selected by Al Gore to be the first Jewish vice-presidential candidate on a major party ticket.

2007; Barry Bonds passes Hank Aaron on baseball’s all-time home run list. The record, however, is discredited by many because of Bond’s alleged steroid use.

Picture Of The Day: The new traffic signal designed by older drivers without patience. Beware of the raging senior......

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A bottle of Johnnie Walker Black scotch......when you absolutely, positively need to wake up underneath your neighbor's swing-set. 2) I saw a kid yell at his dad at the shopping mall and say, "No way, you jerk!" I yelled at my dad once when I was 12 and when I woke up, I was 13. 3) I think God created marriage so death wouldn't come as such a disappointment. 4) The next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say, "Sorry, I'm with a client." 5) I saw a large bear eating a big lunch from the dumpster at Taco Bell. Then he ran off into the woods, ostensibly to prove a point.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 7th: Temptation is everywhere, especially if you're willing to look for it. Shallow puddles may deceive you today. You may hear from an ex-lover who may have had a few drinks too many. Keep your distance as it may mean trouble. On the other hand, if it's late and the night has been slow......

Birthdays: Alonso de Ercilla y Zuniga, poet 1533, Nathanael Greene, general 1742, Paulina Wright Davis, suffragist 1813, Mata Hari, spy 1876, Louis Leakey, anthropologist 1903, Don Larsen, baseball player 1929, Charlize Theron, actress 1975.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A phenomena known as "women's intuition",  a sixth sense if you will, is no myth. Women seem to know what's going on in their man's lives almost better than they do. Why is this?

In the early 80's, researchers discovered that women have more connections between the brain's two hemispheres than men do. It's these connections that allow them to put together a puzzle from seemingly un-connectable pieces. That, and they go through all your stuff while you're in the shower.

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. The husband explained, "Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship."

He went on to say, "She was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. She communicates well and I act like I'm listening."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, "How are things going?" The second bee answered, "Really bad. The weather has been cold, wet and damp, and there aren't any flowers, so I can't make honey."

The first bee said, "No problem, just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit." The second bee replied, "Thanks for the tip" and flew away.

A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?" The second bee said, "Great! It was everything you said it would be. There was plenty of fruit and, huge floral arrangements on every table."

The first bee asked, "Uh, what's that thing on your head?" The second bee answered, "That's my yarmulke. I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely."

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs." The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen I also have a great pair of balls. I don't want to go to Syria either."

That's it for today, my little coconuts. Remember, don't cry because it's over. Smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !