Helpful Hints For Those With Old Timer's Dysfunction

If you go to the kitchen for something and you have no idea why you're there, pretend to know exactly what you came for and grab anything. Your mind will get so pissed, it will tell you why you're there. Take your car keys out of the refrigerator while you're at it.

Don't get angry when this happens. Anyone can forget why they're in a certain part of the house now and then, but not too many people can remember the words to every song from the '50s' 60's, '70's and '80's.

Since you're up, you might as well take a pee while you're there. You know you'll have to go the moment you sit down in your chair, anyway. Learn to multi-task. You might as well laugh, cough, sneeze, pee and fart at the same time.

There is nothing wrong with talking to yourself. It's even better if you answer your own questions. I've had some great conversations and I found that when I need advice, I'm the only one that I can trust.

It's not important where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. Just remember the group of old men that were sitting on benches at the mall the last time you had to go.

Don't be offended if you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of the police. It's bad enough that you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

Sure, your older, you're half blind and take 5 different medications that make you dizzy. You have poor circulation and can’t remember how old you are, but thank God you still have your driver’s licence.....

Just in case you haven't heard, the lying, thieving bastards who are running this country paid $42 million dollars for a gas station in Afghanistan. $42 million! Someone probably should have told them that the compressed-natural gas station has virtually no value to average Afghans as converting a car to compressed natural gas costs $700 in Afghanistan. The average annual income there is $690. And these assholes wonder why no one trusts the government.....

The News As I See It: Congrats to the Kansas City Royals, who beat the Mets to win their first World Series in 30 years. Since the Royals won, they'll get to Disneyworld and since the Mets lost, they'll get to meet Obama.

At the New York City marathon, the winner of the men's race was a truck driver from Fort Worth named Jeff Stubble. Just kidding. It was a Kenyan.

An Ashley Madison user is suing the adultery website for falsely advertising a higher number of female users than it truly had. And if you can’t trust a website that helps you secretly cheat on your spouse, who can you trust?

This Date In History: 1842; Abraham Lincoln married Mary Todd in Springfield, Ill. 1880; James and John Ritty of Dayton, Ohio, patented the first cash register. 1922; Howard Carter discovered the tomb of Tutankhamen in Egypt.

1924; Nellie T. Ross of Wyoming was elected the nation's first woman governor, to serve out the term of her husband who died in office. 1956; Russian troops attacked Budapest and crushed the Hungarian revolt under Premier Imre Nagy.

1979; The American embassy in Tehran, Iran, was seized by militants and 90 Americans were taken hostage. 1995; Israeli Prime Minister, and Nobel Laureate, Yitzhak Rabin, was assassinated by a right-wing Israeli.

2008; Democratic senator Barack Obama wins the presidential election against Sen. John McCain, taking 338 electoral votes to McCain's 161. Obama makes history as the first African American U.S. president.

Picture Of The Day: It runs in the family.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I saw a woman with a lower back tattoo that said "Classy" and my brain leaked out of my ear. 2) When I was a kid, we didn't get a "time out." We had what we called, "Time's up" and then we got our ass kicked. 3) Children can be so annoying. How many times can you go, "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking to a supermodel. 4) I was once pulled over for drinking while driving. I accused them of "profiling" but, as it turned out, they were stopping every car driving down that particular sidewalk. 5) If I'm ever missing, I want my picture on a wine bottle, not a milk carton. This way, my friends will know I'm missing.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 4th: Temptation is everywhere, especially if you're willing to look everywhere for it. However, you will discover that temptation itself is not as harmful as running the streets naked shouting, "It's not my fault, I'm looking for temptation!" Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and you're gonna need some beholdin' today.

Birthdays: Will Rogers actor, humorist 1879, Harry George Ferguson, inventor 1884, Walter Cronkite, news broadcaster 1916, Art Carney, actor 1918, Loretta Swit, actress 1937, Laura Bush, First Lady 1946, Matthew McConaughey, actor 1969, Matthew McConaughey, actor 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I do?" Mabel reached up to her ear, pulled out the suppository and stared at it. Then she said, "I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

A man and his wife were hiking when a large brown bear came charging out of nowhere. Evidently it was a female because they had noticed two cubs earlier in the hike. Fortunately the man had a small jetfire pistol which may have saved his life.

Just one round to his wife's kneecap and that was all it took. The bear got his wife and he was able to escape by briskly walking away. He tearfully said it was of the best firearms in his collection.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

The coach continued, "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?" The little boy nodded "yes".

The coach said, "so, I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, dickhead or asshole. Do you understand all that?" The little boy nodded "yes" again.

The coach went on, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb ass or shithead' is it?" The little boy shook his head "No".

The coach said, "Good! Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."

One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all living creatures on Earth to die. To sort things out, everyone went to heaven. God came and said, "I want the men to form two lines. One line for the men who ruled their women on Earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines. The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1,000 miles long and in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man.

God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

That's it for today, my little armadillos. Remember, alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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