Where Is "Warshington" Located?

I've given up hope for those who say "nucular", "jewelery" or "realator". Those who begin a new thought with the word "so" have destroyed my faith in English as a spoken language. Word manglers insist on inserting an "r" in the word "Washington".

I usually overlook most mispronunciations as I am occasionally corrected by others, as well. But when someone can pronounce "pokemon" perfectly yet screw up other words in the same sentence, my patience grows short.

Conjugation? Forget about it. I am usually happy if the person with whom I am conversing can conjugate the verb "to be". Most people can carry on a rather intelligent conversation. Those who skipped high school English usually go on to Warshington, D.C.

The News As I See It: Congratulations to Team USA for winning over 100 medals! The most of any country, and my condolences to everyone who is behind them at airport security.

In an interview with NBC’s Matt Lauer, Ryan Lochte apologized for his "immature behavior." I don’t know if Lochte meant it, because he answered Lauer’s next question by responding, "Homo says what?"

Obama and the first family returned Sunday from their summer vacation in Martha's Vineyard only to find the locks had been changed.

McDonald’s has decided to remove fitness trackers from their Happy Meals. Apparently, many customers thought McDonald’s was just making fun of them.

This Date In History: 1305; Scottish leader and national hero, William Wallace, was executed in London. 1914; Japan declared war on Germany in World War I. 1926; Silent film star Rudolph Valentino died in New York at age 31.

1927; Nicola Sacco and Bartolomeo Vanzetti were executed for the murders of two men during a 1920 robbery, despite worldwide protests. 1939; Nazi Germany and the Soviet Union signed a non-aggression treaty. 

Picture Of The Day: Food for thought.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A portmanteau is when you combine 2 words to make 1 word. A great example of this is Groupon, a mixture of grey and poupon. 2) (Clerk): "May I take your order?" ( Me): "Yeah, lemme get a Whopper and a large Dr Pepper." (Clerk:) "Sir, This is Wallgreens" (Me): "OK, make it a bottle of Xanax and some Pringles...."

3) Remember ladies, the next time you're at Happy Hour and some dumb ass asks, "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?", simply reply, "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD clinic." 4) (Big Toe): "Hey, he just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?" (Brain): "Wait 2 seconds....." 5) It's called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 23rd: Romance is definitely in the air this month, although you may find it clouded by other emotions or possibly, smells. You will finally understand why birds suddenly appear every time your lady friend walks near. I'm talking sardines here, people.....!

Birthdays: Louis XVI, king of France (1774–92) 1754, Arnold Toynbee, economist 1852, Edgar Lee Masters, writer 1868, Gene Kelly, dancer 1912, Shelley Long, actress 1949.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Early one morning, an elderly retired gentleman yelled to his wife, "Honey, come see what I created. It's an abstract panorama depicting the five-years of the Obama presidency!"

She yelled back, "Flush the damn toilet and come eat your breakfast."

Don't drink and drive! Last year, I went out with a few friends. After several scotches, I knew I was wasted. So, I did something I've never done before.

Believe it or not, I took a bus home. Yep, a bus. I arrived home safely and without incident. I was kind of surprised since I've never driven a bus before.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A woman goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, But they only know to say one thing." The priest asked, "What do they say?" The woman says, "They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'" The priest says, "That's obscene!"

Then he thought for a moment. He said,"You know, I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship. Your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time." The woman says. "Thank you, this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says, "Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered !!!"

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?" Socrates replied, "Wait! Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" The man said, "No, actually I just heard about it." Socrates asked, "So you don't really know if it's true or not."

Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?" The man replied, "No, on the contrary..."

Socrates interrupted, "So you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?" The man stammered, "Well it....no, not really..."

Socrates concluded, "Well, if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?" The man was defeated and ashamed.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was screwing his wife.

That's it for today, my little cup cakes. Remember, the correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost.

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More soon.

Stay Tuned !