Santa Claus And The Sears Catalog

When I was small, in the weeks before Santa came, my brother Kirt, sister Jeanne and I would thumb through the Sears Catalog, a virtual encyclopedia of toys and games mixed in with a lot of useless items like refrigerators, stoves, school clothing and the like.

It was like a game where on each page we would take turns having first, second and third picks. Once every page had been scavenged and signed, we would turn the catalog over to Mom and Dad, who would ostensibly submit our choices to Santa. As the days to Christmas grew closer, we would discuss which toy we would play with first.

As Christmas Eve arrived, I vaguely remember Mom and Dad having clandestine meetings behind the car. During their conversation, they would mysteriously open and close the trunk many times (keep in mind, the trunk of a 1954 Buick could and has held several bodies, or didn't you ever go to a drive-in movie).

When we finally were prepared for bed (not sleep), we were instructed not to leave the room, because we might scare Santa away. We could hear the side door open and shut many times, and every time we heard the door, we knew it must be Santa. Somewhere during that night of anticipation, we made a pact that the first one up would wake the others. Finally, the Sandman arrived to do his work and we drifted off.

The next morning (about 5:30-6:00), we awoke and rushed into the living room to see what Santa had brought. As a courtesy to Mom and Dad, we woke them also and both were just flat-ass overjoyed to hear the news.

I pointed out to Mom and Dad that, although it was ok with me, Santa had drank some of Mom's wine and about four or five of Dad's beers and left them strewn about the house. Mom just smiled and said, "It's ok, son, Dad just left them so Santa would have something to drink with his cookies."

I love Christmas lights. They remind me of the people who voted for Hillary Clinton. They all hang together, half of them don't work and those that do, aren't all that bright.

The News As I See It: The Democratic National Committee was actually hacked because one of its directors clicked on a fake email to change his password, which gave Russia access to his account. Hillary said, "I can’t believe you’d be so careless with your email...!"

Apple said its new "AirPod" wireless earbuds WOULD be available, after reports that they wouldn’t be ready for the holidays. When asked what happened, Apple said, "We finally found them behind the couch cushions."

After two seasons, Netflix has canceled its series "Marco Polo." They ended it the way everyone does — by getting out of the pool and not telling the other person.

A flight attendant has plead guilty to smuggling 60 pounds of cocaine in her carry-on bag. People got suspicious when her safety lecture went on for four hours.

This Date In History: 1653; Oliver Cromwell became lord protector of England, Scotland, and Ireland. 1773; The Boston Tea Party took place. 1916; Grigori Rasputin assassinated by a group of noble Russian conspirators.

1920; One of the deadliest earthquakes in history hit the Gansu province in China. The 8.6 quake killed 200,000 people. 1944; The Battle of the Bulge during World War II began in Belgium.

1990; Jean-Bertrand Aristide was elected president of Haiti in the country's first democratic elections. 2000; Colin Powell was selected to become the first African-American secretary of state.

Picture Of The Day: The mental image of Santa and his reindeer kept most kids awake on Christmas Eve.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I got a Christmas email from my Nigerian friend who is going to share his bank account money with me. He asked me if I sent the check of good faith. I told him the check's in the mail. That's one of the two lies that have been useful for me in the past. 2) At the watering hole last week, a 28 year-old girl just told me she's gonna rock my world. At my age, I assume she's gonna show me where to buy comfortable shoes and soft bagels. 3) According to a new report, the cost of all the gifts listed in "The Twelve Days of Christmas" song is up $233 from last year. Man, that Lords a Leaping union is killing us. 4) Social Security Sex is when you get a little each month, but not enough to live on. 5) I was getting amorous with one of my lady friends and just as the moment drew near, she said, "Please practice safe sex". So, I locked the truck door.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - Decmber 16th: Feel free to share your inner-most secrets with your family and friends. They will adore you for your honesty and may only exclude you from everything they say or do for the next year or two. Seek solace in the bosom of a loved one. If your loved one has a particularly ample bosom, be aware that there might be others already in there. Help the smaller ones.

Birthdays: Ludwig van Beethoven, German Composer 1770, Jane Austen novelist 1775, George Santayana philosopher and poet 1863, Zoltán Kodály composer 1882, Noel Coward playwright, composer 1899, Margaret Mead anthropologist 1901, Arthur C. Clarke science fiction writer 1917, Philip K. Dick writer 1928, Benjamin Bratt actor 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: After eight days of backpacking with his wife, the couple were looking pretty scruffy. One morning she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles.

She said, "Darling, does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?" He thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"

A man goes to visit a fortune teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic said, "You complain about your wife's constant nagging and yelling, yet you still remain married. There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your wife will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the man stares at the fortune teller's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. He took a few deep breaths to compose himself. He simply had to know. He met the fortune-teller's gaze, steadied his voice and asked, "Will I be found guilty?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire. Further studies are expected...

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store." He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

That's it for today, my little mistletoes. Remember, there's nothing better than a good friend, except a good friend with chocolate. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More soon.

Stay Tuned !