Welcome 2017

Christmas was great. I hope everyone got what they wanted. Me? I got a sweater. I really wanted a moaner, but you can't always get what you want. I also got a new shirt and a piece of ass. Both were too big. Good riddance to 2016 and Obama. Welcome 2017 and better times! 

I didn't make any plans for New Year's Eve but every year I seem to find a way to celebrate the New Year. I usually try to stay close to home as all the amateur drinkers are on the road.

On top of that, most restaurants and bars raise their prices and I'm not in the mood to have my pocket picked for a glass of bad champagne, a hat and a noise maker.

Dilema solved. I woke up from my nap at 12:10 am.

For many people, the highlight of New Year's Eve is watching the ball drop in Times Square. Big deal. I've seen lots of balls drop this year. I watched all of the Miami Dolphins' games.

But if you've never had the pleasure of being out on New Year's Eve, I guess you have to try it once or twice, It's where auld acquaintance be forgot, unless, of course, those tests come back positive.

New Year's Eve is amateur night for those unaccustomed to drink. This, of course, means you have to limit your normal consumption so your defensive driving is at it's best.

Nevertheless. I wish all of my family, friends and readers a safe and very Happy New Year. May all your troubles last as long as your New Year resolutions.

The News As I See It: Why would anyone who doesn’t drink want to go out on New Year’s Eve? Not only do you pay outrageous prices to be around a bunch of drunks, but the next morning you actually remember it!

One year, we did it Mom and Dad's way on New Year's Eve. We broke open a package of Doritos, flipped on the TV and watched Paul Anka's hair fall out. Hey, it's better than watching that sissy Anderson Cooper and the ever sleazy Cathy Griffin.

I used to love New Year's Eve in the old days. One year, I went to Houston and we bet the rest of the guacamole dip on whether Mickey Gilley would fall off the piano stool.

I set a new record in 2016. I will start the new year as the proud owner of 17 odd socks.

This Date In History: 1853; The United States bought some 45,000 sq mi of land from Mexico in the Gadsden Purchase. 1911; Sun Yat-sen was elected the first president of the Republic of China. 1922;

The Union of the Soviet Socialist Republics was established through the confederation of Russia, Byelorussia, Ukraine, and Transcaucasian Federation. 1940; California's first freeway opened.

1972; President Nixon halted the heavy bombing on North Vietnam. 1993; Israel and the Vatican signed an agreement of mutual recognition to put an end to Jewish-Christian hostilities.

Picture Of The Day: And a Happy New Year to you, as well, little man....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Xanax - Keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981. 2) The way I deal with unexpected cobwebs to the face tells me why I am not of much use in bar fight. 3) Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into the conversation, even if I'm not sure what it means. 4) As my car spun uncontrollably close to a crowd, my Korean friend screamed, "Hit the Blakes !" I screamed, "I Can't Be That Selective !" 5) Call me crazy but "dropping the ball" does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 30th: Love comes when you least expect it. Every day is a winding road, they say. This is especially true today when you find a woman walking down a winding road with you.

Birthdays: John Milne, seismologist 1850, Rudyard Kipling, British Author 1865, Alfred E. Smith, political leader 1873, Paul Bowles, writer and composer 1910, Jack Lord, actor 1920, Bo Diddley, singer, guitarist and songwriter 1928, Sandy Koufax, baseball player 1935, Jeff Lynne, singer, songwriter and music producer 1947, Tracey Ullman, comedian, actress and singer 1959, Bennett Miller, filmmaker 1966.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The flood of Democrats crossing the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the immigration. Canadian citizens have complained that the liberals are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.

An Ottawa resident said, "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them. One of them even asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. I mean how many Art, History and English majors does one country need?"

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. It was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Murray was in no shape to drive on New Year's Eve, so he sensibly left his car in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman, who inquired, "What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?"

Murray answered, "I'm on my way to a lecture." The cop asked, "Who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?" Murray slurred grimly, "My wife."

Rachel was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?"

Max, smiling broadly, answered, "You'll know at midnight, my love."

At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Rachel and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled, "The meaning of dreams."

Max never heard the shot.....

That's it for today, my little tipplers. Remember, they say all of this started because Eve ate an apple. Clearly, the book was altered. Everyone knows it had to be chocolate. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

Stay Tuned !