Let's Ask Congress To Take The Same Health Care Plan That They Approve For Us !

Whether you are for or against Obamacare, one thing is for certain. The United States Congress has been ineffectively working on some form of health care plan for almost one year. Every bill they have come up with so far ends up costing everyone more money and is vaguely described in detail. Additionally, many of our elected congressmen and senators have not read the bill nor do they really understand the future implications and costs.

Congressman John Fleming, a Louisiana physician, has proposed an amendment that would require Congressmen and Senators to take the same health care plan that they would force on us (under proposed legislation they are exempt). His resolution to Congress that is gaining momentum, is a novel idea. The resolution proposes that Congress use whatever they decide for the rest of America as their own health care plan. The medical doctor turned politician fears that government run health care plan would cause many doctors to turn away patients because of inadequate compensation. In his resolution, Fleming says:

Under the current draft of the Democrat health care legislation, members of Congress are curiously exempt from the government-run health care option, keeping their existing health plans and services on Capitol Hill. If Members of Congress believe so strongly that government-run health care is the best solution for hard working American families, I think it only fitting that Americans see them lead the way. Senator McCain and Newt Gingrich like the plan and McCain has started a concurrent resolution.

What do you think about that? What's good for the goose is good for the gander! You can click on this link and voice your approval of Fleming's Resolution HR 615: Fleming Resolution HR615

My pal, Anne, sent me the following interesting facts about women over the age of 50. Although I believe in equal opportunity for women of all ages, I concur wholeheartedly with the following...

A woman over 50 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 50 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.

Women over 50 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 50. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 50 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 50, there is a paunchy old relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

One of the by-products of the current recession is a rash of new babies. It seems that people that are affected by the recession and are pinching their pennies have resorted to that age old recreation of entertaining each other. Statistics show that this has caused a mini baby boomlet, if you will.

Older people have been affected as well and many have resorted to oral sex. Before going to their separate bedrooms, the wife yells, "Screw you!", to which the husband replies, "Screw you too!"

Whether this is all true or not, bedroom recreation has always been one of my favorite sports. I know it sure beats bowling!

Mary Travers, one-third of the hugely popular 1960s folk trio Peter, Paul and Mary, has died after a battle with leukemia. Travers' voice helped carry the trio's greatest hits including "Puff the Magic Dragon," "If I Had a Hammer" and "Leaving on a Jet Plane." For me, personally, the sounds of Peter, Paul and Mary bring back fond memories during my "bell bottom trouser" years and I will miss her. Mary Travers died at Danbury Hospital in Connecticut on Wednesday. She was 72.

This Date In History: 1810; Chile joined the revolt against Spanish rule in South America when the colonial governor in Santiago was deposed. 1851; The first issue of the New York Daily Times appears. The word "Daily" will be dropped from the newspaper's title six years later. 1895; African American educator Booker T. Washington makes his Atlanta Compromise speech, in which he encourages blacks to accept their inferior social position while working for economic self-reliance.

1961; United Nations secretary general Dag Hammarskjöld dies in a plane crash in Africa while attempting to arrange a ceasefire in the Republic of the Congo (now the Democratic Republic of the Congo). 1970; Rock guitarist Jimi Hendrix dies of drug-related causes at the age of 27 in London.

Picture Of The Day: As you may have noticed, there is no shortage of "jackass" photoshop pictures as the Prez has made the word quite famous after his latest remark about Kanye West. Today's pictures are consistent with Obama's jackass remarks with the exception of two pictures.

Today's picture of the day has nothing to do with jackasses, but it struck me funny. The though of a banana depicted as the typical "dirty old man" made me laugh. The other picture is my pal Garnett's ass, which he is prone to show quite often. John is proud of his ass and he is quick to remind me that he has shown his ass in many places.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Kanye West was pretty hurt when he heard that President Obama called him a jackass, but Vice President Joe Biden said, “Ah, you get used to it.” 2) When you cross the Godfather with a philosopher, you get an offer you can't understand. 3) That guy who threw the shoe at President George W. Bush was released from prison after serving nine months. He said he was tortured. They made him bathe every day. 4) There is a positive side to "Cash for Clunkers." It’s taken seven hundred thousand Obama bumper stickers off the road. 5) The other day, Jennifer Lopez was at the White House and she got a private tour of the Oval Office. So for once, the biggest ass at the White House wasn’t Joe Biden.....and that's five !

Birthdays: My pal, Lisa. Happy Birthday love 19XX, Samuel Johnson, writer and lexicographer 1709, Jean Bernard Léon Foucault, physicist 1819, John Diefenbaker, Canadian prime minister 1895, Agnes de Mille, dancer and choreographer 1905, Greta Garbo, Swedish-American actress, noted for retiring and subsequently becoming a recluse when she was still at the height of her popularity 1905.

The AREA51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through she leans over and said to her husband, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?" Her husband replied, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal, Anne, my pal Gipsy, and my pal, Kay, for their contributions to today's entry.

A child custody case was held in court. The judge felt that the mother and father were both fit to be parents and therefore couldn't decide who he should grant full custody to. So he asks the little boy, "Would you like to live with your mother?" The boys says, "No!" The judge asks, "Why not?" The boy says, "Because she beats me." The judge says "Okay, then you'll go live with your father." The boy cries, "Oh no! He beats me too!"

Dumbfounded, the judge asks "Okay who do you want to live with?" The boy says, "I want to live with the Miami Dolphins." The judge asks, "Why is that?" The boys says, "They never beat anybody."

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, sit your asses down 'cause we're pulling out of the station"

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now, I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the boy says,"All passengers please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you just boarding, remember there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

The mother overheard the boy and smiled. Then the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

That's it for today my little tootsie rolls. Remember, a woman's rule of thumb is that if it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. I'm sure glad I don't have tires.

I'm going to AREA51 for happy hour with my pals and later on, there's a good chance I'll be gallivanting. More on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Maybe It's Because There Was A Full Moon.....

I don't know if it's because of the recent full moon or there's something in the water, but it seems that lately, everyone and his uncle has been running off at the mouth. One would think that people fortunate enough to have either the luck or the talent to become celebrities, albeit through sports, music or anything else, would appreciate their gifts and just play happily with others. One would think.....

Perhaps if some of these assholes had to get up everyday and work the entire day at a thankless job with low pay and a questionable future, they wouldn't engage their mouths before their mind was in gear.

Jimmy Carter, in a typical Jimmy Carter wingnut mentality, said that he thought that the recent uproar over U.S. Rep. Joe Wilson's outburst during a speech by President Barack Obama was "based on racism." Responding to an audience question at a town hall at his presidential center in Atlanta, Carter said Tuesday that Wilson's outburst was also rooted in fears of a black president.

Uh, the last time I checked, Obama won the presidency with more than 50% of the vote. Racism? Does that mean that if you dislike like the views and postion of a politician and you speak out, you're a racist? Does that mean everytime you disagree with a black politician, he'll pull the race card? That particular crutch has already been used too much!

I would expect words like Carter's to come from assholes like "Podium Al" Sharpton who makes his living causing racial controversy. I certainly didn't hear or see anything come out of Sharpton's mouth when the two black thugs beat the shit out of a white kid on a school bus yesterday. Reverse the colors of the participants in that melee and watch Al come running with his portable podium with cries of racism.

Charges of racism should not fly when it's convenient for the banner carrier. Racism exists in many ways and all of it should be condemned whether the victim is black, white or purple.

There were other instances of "foot in mouth disease" as well. Kanye West and Venus William's recent actions were not too bright, either. Venus' outburst was a bit more understandable due to the heat of the moment and merited an apology, which was given by Venus. Kanye West's tirade, aided by the brandy which he was openly drinking and sharing with others before the show, was just typical Kanye West ignorance and stupidity.

In 2007, 340-pound Adam Childers was smacked in the back by a freezer door while working at The Gourmet Pizza in Schererville, Ind. Surgery was necessary to alleviate severe pain, provided he underwent weight-loss surgery first to drop major pounds from a body that had ballooned to 380 pounds post-injury. The pizza shop argued they shouldn't have to fork over the $20,000 to $25,000 for lap-band surgery since Childers was obese before he met the freezer door.

The court disagreed, stating his weight and the accident were considered a single injury. This isn't the first lawsuit, others have ruled similarly. Scratching your head on this one? You can imagine small-to-medium businesses quietly ratcheting up discriminatory hiring practices against obese people. Yet with one-third of Americans obese, there goes a huge chunk of the hiring pool. And lap-band surgery is no cakewalk -- what about possible serious post-surgical complications? Childers suffers more, and The Gourmet Pizza could potentially have to pay more.

In the freebie department. Carvel, for its customer appreciation day, is giving a way a free Oreo "Lil' Rounder" on September 24, between the hours of 3 pm to 7 pm. It's Carvel vanilla ice cream between two Oreo wafers. On their site, there's also a coupon for $3.00 off an 18 count package. I'm sure that its for "participating retailers" but if you have kids and happen to live near a Carvel store, you might want to call and see if they "participate." I figure if it's ice cream and Oreos and it's free, count me in! Here's the link: http://www.carvel.com/home.html

This Date In History: 1620; A group of 102 Pilgrims, most of them religious dissenters known as Separatists, depart for North America from Plymouth aboard the Mayflower. 1804; French physicist Joseph Louis Gay-Lussac ascends to a record height of 23,018 ft in a hydrogen balloon. He measures of the earth's magnetism, temperature, air pressure, and chemical composition.

1810; Father Miguel Hidalgo y Castilla begins a revolt for Mexican independence from Spain, which will be formally granted ten years later after a long revolutionary war. 1966; The new Metropolitan Opera House at Lincoln Center in New York opens, with the debut performance of Samuel Barber's Antony and Cleopatra, starring Leontyne Price. 1976; The Episcopal Church allows the ordination of women as priests and bishops.

Birthdays: Francis Parkman, historian 1823, Karen Horney, psychiatrist 1885, Lauren Bacall, film actor 1924, B. B. King, blues guitarist and singer 1925, James Alan McPherson, writer 1943.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) President Obama and I rarely agree on anything, but when the Prez called Kanye West a "jackass", he hit the nail on the head. Now that's calling a spade, a spade! 2) The reason that divorce is so expensive is because it's worth it. 3) I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. 4) When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. 5) The difference between a new girlfriend and a new dog is that after a year, the dog is still excited to see you.....and that's five !

Picture Of The Day: Well, the annual Preparation H graphic seems to be the perfect picture to describe today's suspects. I've used this fraphic many times in the past and it always seems to fit the subjects.

The AREA51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.

The man says, "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." An elderly nun at the bank said, "Thank God, I'm so tired of Chardonnay."

While walking in the convent a priest passed one of the nuns and noticed she was gaining a little weight. The priest said, "Gaining a little weight, are we Sister Angela?" Sister Angela said, "No, Father, it's just a little gas." A couple of months later, the priest noticed Sister Angela pushing a baby carriage through the convent. Approaching her, he leaned over, looked in the carriage and said, "My, what a cute little fart!"

Leroy goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar. Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Leroy replies, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays. After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks Leroy: "Leroy, how is your hearing now?" Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it's not until next Wednesday."

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of on-lookers gathers around. The man gasps. "A priest, please somebody get me a priest!" A policeman checks the crowd. No priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

A little old man steps out of the crowd and says, "Mr. Policeman, I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I've been living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agrees and brings the elderly man over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured man and says slowly in a solemn voice, "B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72..."

That's it for today my little grocery carts. Remember, beauty is only a light switch away. Happy Hump Day to all and I'm off to AREA 51 to see if that adage is true. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

I Should Have Known Better !

I went grocery shopping yesterday, not because I wanted to, but as an exercise in self preservation. I should have known better and and I shouldn't have waited until my choice for breakfast was between a peanut butter sandwich and popcorn. I actually like grocery shopping and, socially, it's always fun for me as I aways seem to meet interesting women there. Grocery shopping and watching the ladies..., I mean, what more could you ask for? But shopping on a Sunday? There are a few drawbacks.....

After looking for a parking spot in the very crowded lot, I ended up parking in that far away special parking area normally associated with a city in Egypt. When I finally got to the store, I went in and grabbed a cart. I didn't get thirty feet until I realized that my cart, which I chose with great care, had that one wheel which never wants to cooperate with the other three and constantly pulls to the right. Then and there, I should have realized that the wheel was a foreboding omen for the rest of my shopping trip.

I always dress nicely when I go shopping. The main reason is because every time I've tried to sneak in quickly for a quick purchase, looking like Nick Nolte's mug shot, I always run into someone I know, usually a woman. I can just hear the gossip, now, "I saw Jimmy the other day in Publix and he looked like a homeless person....."

It's even funnier to me when I see someone trying the same trick and see the look of horror on their face when I spot them. Me: "Hi Maria, how are you?" Maria: "Ay Jimmy, que pena! I'm so embarrassed, I didn't think I'd see anyone I know...." Me: "Hey, Baby, you always look great......."

I have my own mental picture of who should be riding in shopping carts but unfortunately, my visions and reality are not always in agreement. As I turned the first corner into the crowded aisle, reality soon obliterated any hopes and visions that I had in mind. Instead, before me was the bane of all shoppers. A woman, pushing an overloaded, oversized race car buggy with a child of five or six riding as a passenger. Naturally, she was trailed by the rest of her litter who were grabbing every package in sight while the mother continually asked them not to touch anything.

I quickly passed the gaggle and, with a sigh of relief, turned into the next aisle. It was then that I remembered how the notorious Bermuda Triangle Law of the supermarket works. That is: People going in opposite directions in the same aisle will meet again in the next aisle, forever and ever, until you die.

Passing the Goober family for the second time and not having birth control pills to offer her nor a hand grenade to lessen her load, I opted to skip the next two aisles in order not to purposely create a hit and run accident. I finished getting the rest of the items I need without incident and headed for the checkout line.

The checkout line is always a test of patience, beginning with the idiots who know they are going grocery shopping and do not make out their check (sans amount) in advance. Naturally, you would also think they would have all of their neatly bundled coupons to give to the cashier (cashier: an obscure term once defined as the person who enters the prices into the cash register keyboard and has a general knowledge of mathematics).

In my line, which was the shortest, the woman had not made out her check and began rifling through all of her belongings to find her coupons. Once this feat was accomplished, she then excuse herself for a "minute" to retrieve additional items that had slipped her theoretical "mind." Watching my ice cream melt and my milk begin to curdle, the she finally returned to continue with her checkout. I, in turn, casually move my melted ice cream and curdled milk in with her order as a parting gift.

Another thing that bothers me is that there's always that certain bag boy that feels the need to comment on my purchases. As he puts away my 12 pack of Budweiser and large bag of Ruffles, he comments " Looks like somebody's on a health kick." To which I reply. "Yeah, and it looks like there's a grown man bagging groceries for a living."

Then I get home and although I enjoy cooking, sometimes a tv dinner hits the spot. Lately though, the instructions on the damned tv dinner are getting too complicated. "Put the dinner into the microwave and cook on medium for four minutes. Then, remove the dinner, peel back the cover and stir the potatos. Put the dinner back into the microwave and cook on high for an additional four minutes or until fully cooked."

Hey, all I know about the microwave is that you put the food in, turn it on, then wait the allotted time for completion. Where in hell is the medium button and why do I have to stir the damned potatos anyway? They should have stirred the potatos before they put them in!

The bottom line? My shopping's done and I sat down with my Budweiser and my large bag of ruffles and watched the Atlanta Falcons pummel the Miami Dolphins. I'll be fine until the next time when I again realize that the only option for breakfast is either a peanut butter sandwich or popcorn. Oh yeah, and the wise ass bag boy-man will still be bagging groceries......

Odds and Ends: Sadly, police have found a body believed to be the missing Yale student, Annie Le. The body was discovered inside the wall of the building where she disappeared. Authorities are treating the case as a homicide.

The Cat's Ass Trophy (CAT) Award: I would like to nominate the very ignorant Kanye West for the CAT Award for his rude interruption of Taylor Swift's acceptance speech after winning her first MTV Award for Best Female Video. Kanye jumped onstage, grabbed the mike from the country singer's hands and did what he does best, which is to act like the asshole he is. He said, "Yo Taylor, I'm really happy for you, I'm a [sic] let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time." The remarks appropriately touched off a loud chorus of boos. Swift had beat Beyonce's 'Single Ladies' for the award.

According to an MTV source, Kanye is getting booted from the show for his actions. Later on in the show, "Single Ladies" was named Best Video of the Year (beating Kanye West), and when Beyonce accepted the award, she gallantly called Taylor on stage to allow her to finish her acceptance speech. As for Kanye West, once a thug, always a thug. He should stick to what he was born to do....robbing liquor stores!

This Date In History: 1741; Composer George Frideric Handel completes his Messiah after 23 consecutive days of work. 1752; Britain shifts from the Julian to the Gregorian calendar. The change requires the calendar to make a one-time leap from September 2 to September 14. 1901; William McKinley, 25th president of the United States, dies eight days after being shot by an anarchist, Leon Czolgosz.

1911; Pyotr Stolypin, conservative prime minister of Russia, is shot dead by a revolutionary, Dmitry Bogrov, during an opera performance in Kiev. 1939; After many years of experimentation, Russian-born aircraft designer Igor Sikorsky flies his first successful helicopter, the VS-300. 1982; Princess Grace of Monaco, formerly American film actress Grace Kelly, dies of injuries she received in an automobile accident the previous day.

Picture Of The Day: The picture of the day really has nothing to do with today's subject matter other than that he looks a little like the kid I saw riding in the oversized racing car buggy at the grocery store. I just thought it was a cute picture and added it in.

Birthdays: My Pal, Julie....Happy Birthday Jules! Stop by Julia's New Journal and wish her a Happy Birthday 19XX, Alexander von Humboldt, German naturalist and explorer 1769, Lord Cecil, British statesman and Nobel laureate 1864, Charles Dana Gibson, American illustrator 1867, Jan Masaryk, Czechoslovak statesman 1886, Renzo Piano, Italian architect 1937.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) What is the deal about beds? Every day I see commercials about beds and testimonials about sleeping. Hey, if you can't go to sleep in any bed, you're not tired (or inebriated for that matter). 2) Who is Barry Soetoro and how did he become president? 3) Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. 4) Serena Williams' embarrassing tirade and threats to the line judge in the U.S. Open Tennis championship will cost her $10,000. Kudos to Serena for bringing back the John McEnroe style of tennis etiquette and sportsmanship. 5) Florida Senator Mel Martinez, the only Hispanic Republican in the Senate, officially stepped down. The Republican senator who replaced Martinez thanked him and then had him deported.....and that's five !

The AREA51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. The doctor said, "On a woman, the heart would be just below the left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A week after their marriage, the newlyweds from Louisiana paid a visit to their doctor. The husband said, "I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried. My testicles are turning purple." The doctor said, "That's pretty unusual, let me examine you." The doctor takes a look and, sure enough, the man's testicles were purple.

The doctor turns to the wife. "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?" His wife replied. "And what kind of jelly are you using with it?" His wife said, "Grape."

Ma and Pa were living in Western Kentucky out on a farm up in the hills. Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole. Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young Mr. Jones down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college graduate."

So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "Mr. Jones, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it." Mr. Jones tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole."

Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.

All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Boom! Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air. Boom! Off goes the second stick of dynamite, spreading poop all over the farm. Wham! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.

Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you all right??!!" As she pulls up her panties she says, "Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen.

That's it for today my little cracker jacks. Remember, make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Remember !

On September 11, 2001, life in America, as we know it, changed forever. No longer were we the impenetrable bastion of safety and security that we had enjoyed since the birth of the United States. A group of ignorant savages with an unholy agenda changed that aspect of life for all of us.

On that morning, 19 Al-Qaeda terrorists hijacked four commercial passenger jet airliners. The hijackers intentionally crashed two of the airliners into the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center in New York City, killing everyone on board and many others working in the buildings. Both buildings collapsed within two hours, destroying nearby buildings and damaging others.

The hijackers crashed a third airliner into the Pentagon in Arlington, Virginia, just outside of Washington, D.C. The fourth plane crashed into a field near Shanksville in rural Pennsylvania, after some of its passengers and flight crew attempted to retake control of the plane, which the hijackers had redirected toward Washington, D.C. There were no survivors from any of the flights.

On both mornings of September 11, 2001 and the Oklahoma City bombing on April 19, 1995, I awoke and immediately had a feeling that I should turn on CNN and check the news. My worst fears were realized when I saw the first tower ablaze and the early report was that a commercial airliner had crashed into the building. I immediately thought of the B-24 Bomber, which crashed, in thick fog, into the Empire State Building on July 28, 1945.

As we now know, the September 11th bombings were not accidental and the death and destruction of that day will forever be remembered. My reactions were mixed that day as the pain I felt for all of the innocent people that were injured or killed gnawed at my insides. I also felt, and still feel, the rage and anger that these cowardly pieces of camel shit would commit such an atrocity.

With the Obama administration bent and determined to close Guantanamo and currently weighing penalties for water boarding the captured terrorists, I submit the idea that the terrorist are very fortunate that I was not in charge of their interrogation. After watching the September 11th news for that entire week, I assure you that I would have immediately executed most of the captured terrorists.

Today is a day that will always be remembered by Americans and peace loving citizens of the world. I pray for the people injured or killed on that fateful day.

American Idol, in their infinite quality of intellectuality, have chosen Ellen Degeneris as the replacement judge for Paula Abdul. With the very untalented and obnoxious Simon and the very dull Randy and Kara, Degeneris may be a welcome bit of humor to the panel. It would certainly be important added aspect as Degeneris has no musical ability or background whatsoever.

This Date In History: 1297; William Wallace defeats English forces attempting to cross the Forth in the Battle of Stirling Bridge. 1709; At the bloody Battle of Malplaquet, in the closing stages of the War of the Spanish Succession, the French are defeated by the Grand Alliance.

1777; The British army, led by Sir William Howe, defeats the American forces led by General George Washington at the Battle of the Brandywine in Pennsylvania. 1973; Chile's socialist president Salvador Allende dies during a military coup led by General Augusto Pinochet and supported by the United States.

2001; Terrorists hijack airliners and deliberately crash them into the twin towers of the World Trade Center in New York and the Pentagon, killing around 3,000 people.

Picture Of The Day: The phrase "a picture is worth a thousand words" could not be more appropriate for today's featured picture.

Birthdays: Pierre de Ronsard, French poet 1524, James Thomson, Scottish poet 1700, D. H. Lawrence, English novelist, poet, and writer of short fiction, ranked among the most influential and controversial literary figures of the 20th century 1885, William Sydney Porter, American writer 1862, Sir James Jeans, mathematician and astronomer 1877.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Obama finally delivered his speech to America’s school children and he encouraged them to work and study hard. Then he said, “If that doesn’t work, grab a seat next to the Asian kid." 2) I wonder if a bi-sexual goes missing, do they put his picture on a carton of half and half? 3) There seems to be a lot of speculation as to my Sunday evening rendezvous which caused me to miss Monday's journal entry. I won't go into detail but suffice to say that Johnnie Walker Black and a certain female were of great influence. 4) Scientists have discovered that the SARS virus can live up to four days on a toilet, which beats Elvis' current record. 5) Whether you voted for Obama or not, his life is a shining example of the power of education. He was born in Kenya and studied seven days a week learning how to forge Hawaiian birth certificates.....and that's five !

The Hubble Telescope has sent back some new, startlingly beautiful, pictures of the universe and I'm including them in today's entry. Even more impressive, you can go to the website and download these pictures in high resolution for your own use at no cost. The resolution is good enough for printing high quality pictures or for wallpaper for your computer screen. Here's the link: http://www.hubblesite.org/newscenter/archive/releases/2009/25/image/a/

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Love making tips for AREA 51 residents: 1) Put bi-focals on to double check that you're with the right partner. 2) Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes in case you doze off in the middle. 3) Set the mood with lighting. Turn them all off! 4) Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin. 5) Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember what to scream out at the end. 6) Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed. 7) Have heating pads, tylenol, splints and crutches ready in case you actually complete the act.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal, Victor, for his contribution to today's entry.

The irate customer called the newspaper office and loudly demanded, "Where is my Sunday paper?!" The newspaper employee said, "Madam, today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday."

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, "Well shit, so that's why no one was at church today."

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling,his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he is walking with a limp. Sean the bartender asks, "What happened to you? Paddy says, "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight."

Sean says, "That little shit, O'Conner? He couldn't do that to you, he must of had something in his hand." Paddys says,"That he did. A shovel is what he had, and a terrible licking he gave me with it"

Sean says, "You should have defended yourself! Didn't you have something in your hand?" Paddy says, ''That I did. It was Mrs. O'Conner's right breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind. A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind. The next day, after his sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.

The next day a gay rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed he blessed Mankind and Womankind, and asked if he could also bless gay people. He said, "Sure." The next day the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti"

That's it for today my little pea pickers. Remember, if life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. I feel frisky and I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour and an evening of recreation. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Hump Day Is Always A Good Reason For Happy Hour !

In the news last week, there were quite a few stories of interest and as per my wont, I've got a few things to say. But, let's begin with one of my pet media peeves. Someone needs to send a bulletin to many of the "learned" media by explaining that it's not " a tough road to hoe."

The adage "that's a tough row to hoe" refers to hoeing rows on a farm. To have a “tough” or “hard” or “long” or “difficult” row to hoe means to have a daunting task to perform. Of course, for many of the CNN anchors, the term is even more confusing as they have a tendency to visualize the phrase as "a tough road for a ho."

The Walt Disney Company has purchased Marvel Comics for a reported 4 billion dollars. I wonder if we'll see a cross-pollination of Disney and Marvel characters in the future? Will Snow White and Spiderman become an item or will Spidey come out of the closet and hook up with Peter Pan? Will the Fantastic Four team up with Huey Dewy and Louie? Has Hannah Montana got an eye for The Incredible Hulk? Only time will tell....

Van Jones, the White House Special Advisor for Green Jobs, resigned early Sunday morning after news reports of a derogatory comments Jones made in the past. It amuses me that CNN, NBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC and others are all over this story, yet not one of them ever reported on a December 2, 2007 statement by Jones that "only suburban white kids shoot up schools". Where's "Podium Al" Sharpton when you need him?

Superferry 9, a Philippine passenger ship, sank off the Zamboanga Peninsula early Sunday morning. At least five people have drowned and more than 63 are still missing. Superferry 9 has been reportedly involved in two other mishaps in 2006 and 2007. Is it me or does it seem like every time there's a ferry disaster it's either in the Philippines or Indonesia.

For those of you with children and have not opted to either cripple them or move without giving them the new address, this might interest you. There is a new food-labeling campaign called the "Smart Choices Program." The label is a "front-of-package" designation whereby consumers can see if their food purchases meet the criteria set forth by the program for healthy eating.

The purpose of the campaign is to designate a "food item that is a 'better for you' product, as opposed to having an x on it saying 'Don't eat this.'" Some of the "smart choices are Froot Loops, Fudgsicles, lunchables and mayonaise. With Froot Loops' first ingredient being sugar, a substance that comprises 44% of its caloric composition and other fun stuff like partially hydrogenated vegetable oil and 4 different types of food coloring, the question is: better than what?

The program costs $100K to opt into, the main participants in the Smart Choices Program are a who's who of behemoth industrial food purveyors: Kellogg's, Kraft Foods, ConAgra Foods, Unilever, General Mills, PepsiCo and Tyson Foods. Whether Froot Loops and Mayonnaise should be part of your diet is a personal choice but calling these packaged, highly processed, fat and sugar-laden, foods a "smart choice" is absurd.

This Date In History: 1513; James IV of Scotland is killed at the Battle of Flodden Field. 1914; The First Battle of the Marne ends, in which German troops are decisively halted in their drive towards Paris. 1943; The US Fifth Army, under General Mark W. Clark, stages a landing near Salerno as the Allies invade Italy. 1976; Mao Zedong, the leader of the People's Republic of China since its founding in 1949, dies at the age of 82.

Birthdays: Cardinal Richelieu, French statesman 1585, William Bligh, British naval officer, born in Plymouth. He sailed under the explorer and navigator James Cook on Cook's second voyage around the world (1772-1775) 1754, Luigi Galvani, Italian physiologist 1737, Leo Tolstoy, Russian author 1828, Otis Redding, US singer-songwriter 1941, Hugh Grant, actor 1960.

Picture Of The Day: Word has it that Fifi has been hanging around too much Snoop Dog and viewing her current litter of pups, I'd surmise that there may be a bit of truth to that rumor.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) To combat against the Swine Flu, give your pigs and hogs Advil, vitamin C, and plenty of liquids. 2) You may have noticed that Jimmy's Journal did not have a Monday entry. This was due to the fact that Jimmy was occupied Sunday evening and slept on and off again most of Monday. The entry was already written and ready for posting, but when Jimmy finally came out of his coma, it was 1:00 am on Tuesday. 3) One of the proposed changes to save money under Obamacare is that all breast exams will be done at Hooters. 4) Men chase women they have no intention of marrying for the same reason that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. 5) If you'd like to hear a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word, get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO !".....and that's five !

The AREA51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A old man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect and I can hear perfectly." His neighbor said "Really? What kind is it?" The old man says, "Twelve thirty."

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" The little old man replied, No, arthritis."

An elderly woman was being questioned by police after she shot a thug 6 times in the back as he was running away with her purse. She had her hand on her gun when he grabbed the purse, and she was left with the revolver in her hand. When asked by the police officer why she shot the man 6 times in the back as he was running away she replied, "Because when I pulled the trigger the 7th time it only went click."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog. They come to a busy intersection and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of the traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.

The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on other side of the street and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "I just need to find out where his head is, so I can kick him in the ass."

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Los Angeles one day. Sid asks Al, "Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico ?" Al replies, "I don't know, let' s ask our waiter." When the waiter arrives, Al asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?" The waiter says, "I don't know senor, I ask the cooks." He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, "No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews."

Al isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?" The waiter replies, "I check once again, senor! While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."

The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook Tom say there is no Mexican Jews. " Sid says, "Are you certain? I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!" The exasperated waiter says, Senor, I ask everyone. All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, and Tomato Jews."

That's it for today my little Pez dispensers. It's Hump Day and I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. Remember, never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !