All I Want For Christmas Is.....

The continuing saga of AOhell continues, but with a little bit better twist. I called AOL India once again and got "Technician Ronnie." I really wanted "Technician Bobby" but they said he is now the Governor of Louisiana. "Ronnie" turned out to be fairly up-to-date and gave me a site where I could download AOL 9.1.

I went to the site, downloaded the software and my 9.1 is up and running again. For those of you that are now using the newer 9.5 software and are dissatisfied with it, email me or leave me a message in "comments" and I'll give you the necessary information.

The News As I See It: Tiger Woods continues to dominate the headlines. I'm beginning to think that Tiger's escapades are doing more for the economy than anything that has come from the White House or Congress. Tiger himself has already taken advantage of the cash for clunkers program by getting rid of his crashed, gas guzzling Escalade.

Tiger has been linked to another woman and this one is 48 years old, or as Tiger refers to her, "my senior tour." There has been some good news for Tiger. He was just voted "Athlete of the Decade" by The Associated Press. He’s also been named "Athlete of the Decade" by Playboy, Penthouse, and Hustler.

Rapper 50 Cent is saying that Tiger Woods never would have been caught if he had been more "gangster." In response, Tiger said 50 Cent would have never been shot nine times if he had been more "golfer."

President Obozo says that Congress is very close to getting a new healthcare plan but due to compromises it "won’t include everything that everybody wants." For instance, it covers everything except trips to the doctor or the hospital. Earlier this week, at the White House, President Obie met with a group of our nation’s top Wall Street bankers. The meeting went well, though the bankers did charge Obie 25 bucks for not using the ATM out front.

Computer technicians have found 22 million missing White House e-mails from the Bush administration. In a related story, White House gardeners were digging in the back yard yesterday and found three former Dick Cheney hunting buddies.

And finally, The annual White House Hanukkah party. It went better than last year when President Bush greeted everyone with, "Happy Harmonica!"

This Date In History: 1737; Violin maker Antonio Stradivari died in Cremona, Italy. 1787; New Jersey became the third state to ratify the U.S. Constitution.
1865; Slavery was abolished with the ratification of the 13th Amendment to the Constitution. 1892; Tchaikovsky's "The Nutcracker Suite" premiered at St. Petersburg's Maryinksy Theatre.

1944; The Supreme Court upheld the wartime internment of Japanese-Americans. 1956; Japan was admitted to the United Nations. 1957; The Shippingport Atomic Power Station in Pennsylvania became the first civilian nuclear facility to generate electricity in the United States.

1969; The British Parliament abolished the death penalty for murder. 2000; George W. Bush received 271 votes in the delayed Electoral College balloting.

Picture Of The Day: In case you're wondering about today's pictures, I'm posting suggestions of gifts that I'd like for Christmas. I have carefully selected these pictures so there's no misunderstandings. I posted the above picture for Santa last year because I wanted Peace on Earth. Santa must be a bit dyslexic because he though I wanted "Peas on Earth."

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Giving Viagra to an eighty year old man would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building. 2) I've often wondered If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? 3) Bigamy is one wife too many but, then again, so is monogamy. 4) I think that health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. 5) I hope Santa gets my Christmas gift right this year. Last year, I got a sweater, but I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.....and that's five !

Birthdays: My pal, Bob C - Happy Birthday ! 19XX, Ty Cobb, baseball player 1886, Edwin Armstrong, engineer and radio inventor 1890, Willy Brandt, political leader 1913, Betty Grable, actress 1916, Ossie Davis, actor, director, screenwriter 1917, Ramsey Clark, attorney general 1927, Keith Richards, musician, songwriter 1943, Steven Spielberg, American Film Director 1946 Ray Liotta, actor 1954, Brad Pitt, actor 1963, Katie Holmes, actress 1978, Christina Aguilera, singer 1980.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A doctor, addressing a large audience in Tampa, said "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."

The doctor continued, "There is, however, one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and said, "Wedding Cake."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. The doctor said, "Come now, you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me." The woman says, "This one's kind of strange..." The doctor replied, "Let me be the judge of that."

The woman said, "Yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning, I heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet. When I looked down, the water was full of pennies. That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."

She went on, "Last night, there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me! I'm scared out of my wits!" The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about. You're simply going through the change."

Running Doe, a young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one abnormality however, you have no nipples." Running Doe replied, "None of the people in my tribe have nipples."

The doctor said, "That's amazing! I'd like to write this up for The South Dakota Journal of Medicine if you don't mind. First of all, how many people are in your tribe?" Running Doe answered, "Approximately 500." The doctor asked, "And what is the name of your tribe?" Running Doe replied, "We're called 'The Indiannippleless Five Hundred.'"

That's it for today my little Remember, where there's a will, I want to be in it. I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour and later to a party which I will tell you more about in my next post. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

AOL? How About AOhell?

Beside the fact that AOL (America Online) is rapidly going down the porcelain receptacle (that's the "crapper" for the hard of understanding), it serves as a prime example of why American jobs should not be shipped overseas.

Yesterday, a technician from Comcast came to my house to investigate a continuing problem with my cable tv and Internet services. This has been an ongoing problem and, although it sometimes cramps my style, I have been able to live with it. The situation continues to improve.

At the same time, attempting to read my email messages has been a royal pain in the ass. The problem seems to be that AOL, in it's infinite wisdom, chooses to put advertising on everything that moves, including email. At first, it was simple printed advertising with an occasional icon or picture. Lately, it contains detailed graphics, rolling screens and other annoyances.

While I have tried to be patient with their advertising garbage, the emails will not open entirely until the advertisement runs it's course. If, during that period, AOL email is slow (meaning all the time), it takes forever to go through my daily email.

Yesterday, I was so frustrated that I called what AOL likes to call, a "technician." Since AOL seems to only have one or two Caucasians in its entire organization, my call went to......Yep!...India. I was happily greeted by "Bobby" a very nice man whose English sounds like a person with a bad lisp speaking with a handful of marbles in his mouth. You might have heard a similar accent at your local convenience store.

After a series of different attempts to rectify the problem, told me that my program was probably corrupt. Bobby said to uninstall my AOL 9.1 and go to an AOL site where I could download a new 9.1 program. I asked if it would be easier to send me a CD, but he said they didn't make 9.1 CDs. I followed his instructions and lo and behold, the site only had the 9.5 version which has had poor reviews and ranks evenly with Windows Vista as the laughing stock of the software world.

When I angrily called AOL India again and explained my plight, "Technician Mary" apologized and said that the 9.l version was only available on a CD. She said she would mail me a new CD. If their mail is anything like their technical abilities, I'll probably have to call INS to see if any of the "new arrivals" brought a copy with them.

Jimmy's Journal comes to you today via Internet Explorer which I am somewhat familiar with. The one and only reason that I continue to use AOL is that it took me five years to figure our all of the intricacies. I hope today's post comes out as it normally does. We'll see.....

The News As I See It: Computer technicians in Washington say they have found 22 million missing e-mails from President George W. Bush’s administration. You can tell the e-mails are from the Bush administration because they all begin, "Dear Santa."

Tiger Woods has been given the Associated Press "Athlete of the Decade" Award. I don't know about golf, but he certainly has earned the "Philanderer of the Decade" award! The latest rumor is that Woods is trying to patch things up with his wife by offering to have another baby together. Apparently, Tiger told his wife, "Come on, I’ve been practicing like crazy."

A White House official said the recession is over. Then another White House official said no, it’s definitely not over. And you wonder how those party crashers got in. The White House announced that the Guantanamo Bay detainees will be sent to a prison in Illinois. This really should make up for Chicago not getting the Olympics. It’ll be the first time someone has gone from Cuba to Illinois who didn’t pitch for the Cubs.

Sarah Palin is now saying that global warming is a conspiracy. She doesn’t believe it’s true, even though she can see the polar ice cap melting from her house. Arnold Schwarzenegger is criticizing Sarah Palin for calling global warming "bogus." It’s really confusing. I mean, the last time anyone saw Sarah Palin fighting with the Terminator, was when Arnold was drunk on Halloween.

This Date In History: 1653; Oliver Cromwell became lord protector of England, Scotland, and Ireland. 1773; The Boston Tea Party took place. 1916; Grigori Rasputin assassinated by a group of noble Russian conspirators. 1920; One of the deadliest earthquakes in history hit the Gansu province in China. The 8.6 quake killed 200,000 people.

1944; The Battle of the Bulge during World War II began in Belgium. 1990; Jean-Bertrand Aristide was elected president of Haiti in the country's first democratic elections. 2000; Colin Powell was selected to become the first Black secretary of state

Picture Of The Day: Photoshop pictures of Tiger Woods are fast becoming an industry. The only exception is for the real naked pictures of Tiger which are the subject of a suit in Great Britain.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'd like to leave this world like I came into it; screaming, naked and covered in someone else's blood. 2) For those of you who remember Roy Rogers: "More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!" 3) Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you. 4) Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are still acting all shocked that a human finger was once found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? 5) I'm getting fed up with grocery shopping. By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be bagging my groceries is standing there eating my Almond Joy....and that's five !

Birthdays: Ludwig van Beethoven, German Composer 1770, Jane Austen novelist 1775, George Santayana, philosopher and poet 1863, Zoltán Kodály, composer 1882, Noel Coward, playwright, composer 1899, Margaret Mead, anthropologist 1901, Arthur C. Clarke, science fiction writer 1917, Benjamin Bratt, actor 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards." The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?" The cook said, "No, three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."

The blonde said, "Oh, ok." She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?" She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again." The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes."

A Blonde Texan city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy, "The artificial-insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"

So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial-insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down the barn. They walk along a long row of Cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one.....right here." Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the Cow to be bred?" The blonde said, "That's simple, by the nail over its stall."

The artificial-insemination man asks, "What's the nail for?" She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

That's it for today my little lovebugs. Remember, it's always best to forgive and forget, but keep a list of names just in case. I'm definitely ready for Happy Hour at AREA 51 and assuming I don't cripple any AOL technicians, I'll have more on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

My Cat Possum Has Initiated A Coup D'etat To Take Over !

Possum S. Hemmingway, my cat who I have affectionately nicknamed "Shithead", has initiated a coup d'état in an effort to wrest power and thereby overthrow my current government of the tiny nation of Sullivan's Island. I am a bit upset with his tactics and this attempt to take over will be thwarted.

The mere fact that he already lives the life of the proverbial Riley has not seemed to sink in and methinks his feeble attempt will not be successful.

The major reason for his revolt is that, of all the possible locations to catnap, he has decided that the place that he likes best is my recliner. Over the years, every man, woman, child and animal in my life soon learned that my recliner is off limits.

Would someone dare to sit in Captain Kirk's seat aboard the Starship Enterprise? Is it possible that someone would sit in the driver's seat of the Batmobile? Other than Elton John, who would have the audacity to sit in the Queen of England's royal throne?

Mr. Hemmingway not only is becoming accustomed to sitting in my recliner, he becomes quite miffed if I attempt to share the seat with him. Moreover, he becomes outright incensed when I physically remove him for the recliner.

His ploys do not escape me, however. I am well aware that, as he skulks off under the pretention that his feelings have been hurt, he is already plotting his next move. No sooner than I leave the chair to do something or use the computer, he stealthfully sneaks back and plops his fat ass right back in the chair.

This matter is currently being resolved and I am making this post in anticipation of Mr. Hemmingway's soon to be published statement on his own blog, Possum's Journal. I will keep you aprised as things develop.

The News As I See It: Ten million cans of Slimfast are being recalled over fears of bacterial contamination that could cause diarrhea, nausea and vomiting. Have you ever tasted Slimfast? Bacterial contamination would be a step-up. Some people are saying that it’s ironic that President Obozo accepted the Nobel Peace Prize after committing more troops to a war in Afghanistan. In reality, it's no more ironic than President Clinton signing the Defense of Marriage Act or, for that matter, George Dubya Bush calling himself the “Education President."

This Date In History: 1799; George Washington died at age 67. 1819; Alabama became the 22nd state in the United States. 1911; Norwegian explorer Roald Amundsen became the first man to reach the South Pole, beating an expedition led by Robert F. Scott. 1939; The Soviet Union was dropped from the League of Nations.

1967; DNA synthesized for the first time. 1981; Israel formally annexed the Golan Heights. 1985; Wilma Mankiller became the first woman to lead a major American Indian tribe as she took office as principal chief of the Cherokee Nation of Oklahoma. 1989; Nobel Peace laureate Andrei D. Sakharov died in Moscow at age 68.

Picture Of The Day: Today's pictures kill two birds with one stone as I show you a few pictures of my cat Possium S. Hemminway taken with my new digital camera. The camera is a Canon A470 and I'm quite pleased with the way it works. There are newer Canon A series available as well,

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My blonde lady friend was worried that her mechanic was trying to rip her off but she was relieved when he told her all she needed was turn signal fluid. 2) Lately, I’ve been experiencing economic déjà vu, the feeling that I’ve been in certain stores before and paid much lower prices! 3) The one good thing about going through foreclosure is that it does get you out of the house. 4) One of the nice things about owning a cat is that a cat will not wake you up in the middle of the night to ask, "If I died, would you get another cat?" 5) I've become more reflective in life. I have started to ponder about the "big" questions. What is life, why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Nostradamus, French astrologer and physician 1505, James Doolittle, aviator, military leader 1896, Shirley Jackson, writer 1919, Patty Duke actress 1946, Michael Owen, soccer player 1979, Vanessa Anne Hudgens, actor 1988.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact as many unstable people as you can to show you care. This is why I'm sending my message to you and now, I've done my part and my job is done!

Murray Lipschitz said to his doctor, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore." The doctor said, "Mr. Lipschitz, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do." The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife.

The doctor took her to the exam room and said, "Please remove your clothes, Mrs. Lipschitz. Now turn all the way around. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside and whispered, "You're in perfect health, Murray, your wife didn't give me an erection either."

An old man says to his doctor, "I'm sorry doctor, I know this is unusual, but I seem to have lettuce stuck up my ass!" The doctor says, "Good grief! I'd better take a look." The doctor examines the man and says, "It's even worse and that's just the tip of the iceberg!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students and said, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter." A little girl raises her hand and said, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered." The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

The little girl said, "Well, I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!" The teacher said, "That must have been scary."The little girl said, "It sure was! My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff' and before he could say 'F*ck', the Rottweiler ate him!"

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, the well needed to be covered up anyway and it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He asked all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw.

With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Moral Of The Story: Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

The story, however, continues.....

The next day, the donkey came back and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer died.

The Tiger Woods Moral Of The Story: When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.....

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham and bacon. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that when pregnant, they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, banged each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

The next morning, he was woken up by his wife shaking him and saying "Wake up Dear, the pigs are acting strangely!". The farmer said, "What do you mean?Are they wallowing in the mud?" His wife says, "No, they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

That's it for today my little reign dears. Remember, how long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. More on Wednesday

Stay Tuned !

Tis The Season To Go Partying !

The Holiday party season begins tonight and being a season ticket holder, I'll be heading out this evening with a different agenda than usual. Although I cherish hanging out with my pals in AREA 51, enjoying a scotch with the ladies and listening to the music, the various parties also offer a splendid array of foods and goodies.

Office Christmas parties are always fun and you never know what's going to happen. Novice drinkers, who rarely imbibe throughout the year become boozers for the next three weeks and the results are usually quite funny. From slurred speeches to tipsy karaoke singers, the endless number of humorous incidents are endless. Of course, there's the occasional amorous strays who ofttimes bite off more than they can chew, but they're normally harmless.

The real prizes are the many varieties of foods that you rarely see other than the Christmas season and I'm like a kid at the bakery when I see all those dishes. Roasted pork, honey glazed hams and Christmas turkey and chicken, it's a guaranteed five pound weight gain just looking at the food. Add to that the many side dishes and the delicious deserts and you get an idea of what I have in mind.

Aside from trying to avoid the proverbial 50 pound fruit cake that I'm sure I'll be asked to try, I look forward to the next three weeks of parties and celebrations.

The News As I See It: Jenny Sanford, wife of embattled South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, has filed for divorce six months after her husband publicly admitted to having an affair with an Argentine woman. Duh?! What took her so long? Joe Biden is our first vice president with hair plugs. On Earth Day this year, a group of school children in Washington each planted a hair plug in his head. We may have lost Dubya Bush as a source of comic relief, but at least we have Joe. On the "Today Show", Biden once said that the subways in New York City are not safe because of swine flu. Hey Joe, the subways weren’t safe before swine flu.

According to a new poll, 44 percent of Americans wish President "Dubya" Bush were back in office. It’s only 20 percent, however, if you exclude comedy writers. Dubya asked all the major networks for 15 minutes of air time when he gave his farewell speech to the nation. He used part of the time to list his accomplishments and did yoyo tricks the other 14 minutes.

President Obozo's approval rating hit a new low of 47 percent, according to the latest Gallup poll. But White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said that a 6-year-old with a crayon could come up with the same poll results. I bet it’s the same 6-year-old with a crayon that came up with Obamacare and the last budget. President Obie accepted the Nobel Peace Prize this week and, I don’t want to say that Obama worship is out of control, but his acceptance speech for the Nobel Prize won the Pulitzer Prize. If the Nobel Prize wasn’t enough, his overall performance just won an Oscar.

It’s not looking good for Tiger Woods. According to a poll today, 88 percent of women have an unfavorable opinion of Tiger Woods. The other 12 percent are cocktail waitresses. Another woman has just emerged who claims she had an affair with Woods. It’s like he cracked open a piñata and the fun never stops. There's a new ad in Sports Illustrated: Pro golfer needs new Caddy.

This Date In History: 1816; Indiana became the 19th state. 1844; Nitrous oxide was used for the first time in dentistry. 1936; King Edward VIII abdicated the throne of Britain for the woman he loved, Mrs. Wallis Simpson. 1941; Germany and Italy declared war on the United States.

1946; The United Nations International Children's Emergency Fund (UNICEF) was established. 1994; Russian troops invaded Chechnya in an unsuccessful attempt to restore Moscow's power in the region. 1997; Housing secretary Henry Cisneros was indicted for conspiracy, obstructing justice, and false statements to the FBI.

Picture Of The Day: Food.....Party food! I got hungry just gathering these pictures and some of these are quite good. This is office party and holiday party season, so I thought I'd give you a preview of what to look for in the coming weeks.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. 2) Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. 3) I think heart attacks are God's revenge for eating his animal friends 4) I'm surprised that Al Sharpton hasn't slammed Tiger Woods for not having black women among his lengthy list of mistresses. 5) It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Sir David Brewster, physicist and natural philosopher 1781, Louis-Hector Berlioz, composer 1803, Robert Koch, bacteriologist 1843, Annie Jump Cannon, astronomer 1863, Fiorello Henry LaGuardia, mayor of New York City 1882, Naguib Mahfouz, novelist 1911, Carlo Ponti, producer 1912, Aleksandr Isayevich Solzhenitsyn, Russian writer 1918, Willie Mae Thornton, blues singer 1926, John F. Kerry, politician 1943.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Mr. Lipschitz' four children were gathered around his deathbed. As old man seemed to doze off in a blissful sleep, the children started to discuss the final funeral plans. One wanted to spend a hundred dollars for a coffin, a second thought a plain wooden box would do, and the third was even ready to dump the remains into a paper sack. All agreed there was no reason to spend much money, as their father would never know the difference.

Mr. Lipschitz stirred, having heard every word his children said. He thought it was time to set the record straight. He said, "Children, I've never told you this and never wanted to, but I can't go to my final resting place with this burden. My darling children, your mother and I were never married."

His oldest son was aghast, "You mean we're all bastards?" Mr. Lipschitz said, "Yes, and cheap ones at that!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, ugly old lady moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady walked between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?" Her mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve; they had children and, so all mankind was made." A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. Her father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."

The confused girl returns to her mother and says, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God, and Papa says we developed from monkeys?" Her mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side.

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" The husband replied, "Yep, In-laws."

That's it for today my little turtle whisperers. Remember, first you pillage, then you burn. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Hump Day And Happy Hour - And Not A Moment Too Soon !

CNN's Clarke Howard recently did an undercover investigation of gold buying companies and came to the conclusion that customers were being paid between ten to twenty-five percent of the true value of the gold. This is not particularly news to me because I've known about these swindling thieves for years, but I though I'd share the information with you.

So the next time you see the often televised commercials like Cash4Gold and the other gold buying sites, just check the owners' names and you'll easily be able to figure out what their morals and scheme are. The following excerpt was taken from Wikipedia using Cash4Gold as the subject line:

There are many complaints that Cash4Gold undervalues jewelry sent to them by customers. Channel 10 News in San Diego did an investigation where they sent in a ring containing over 2 grams of gold worth $17 in weight to three different sites. The payout from Cash4Gold was $7.91.

Consumer Reports, using its "mystery shopper" team, sent 24 identical gold pendants and chains (purchased for $175 each) to Cash4Gold.com and its competitors. The determined melt value of the jewelry was calculated at around $70 each when gold was above $900 an ounce. In comparison with Pawn shop and Jewelry store quotes (which ranged from $25 to $50), Cash4Gold.com quoted between $7.60~$12.72 melt value for the jewelry. Similar low quotes were also given by Cash4Gold.com competitors GoldKit (around $7.81~$20.59) and GoldPaq (around $8.22~$13.11).

After Rob Cockerham, a blogger, detailed drastic changes in Cash4Gold's valuation of jewelry after a complaint is made about an initial undervaluing, a search engine optimization consultant offered "a few thousand dollars" for Rob to remove the criticism. Cash4Gold CEO Jeff Aronson stated they had nothing to do with the incident, though the consultant stated "everyone (at Cash4Gold) was well aware of what was going on."On Cash4Gold’s blog, the company afterwards posted a "clarification statement” allegedly by the consultant contradicting that quote: "Cash4Gold was not aware of all of the tactics being using (sic) in my reputation management services."

After a whistleblower posted on ComplaintsBoard.com discussing the inner workings of Cash4Gold.com, The Consumerist and other blogs were hit with a defamation suit by Cash4Gold.com after running the postings. In September 2009, Cash4Gold.com dropped Consumerist from their lawsuit.....A word to the wise!

You may want to turn off the music to my playlist located on the sidebar to listn to this video.

The News As I See It: This past weekend, a rare envelope sent on the first day of the Pony Express in 1860 sold for almost half a million dollars. The envelope contains an invitation to Larry King’s Bar Mitzvah. On a similar note, a letter written by Thomas Jefferson in 1808 has been discovered at the University of Delaware. It’s a personal letter thanking John McCain for his support in the election of 1804.

A new study from Purina found that house cats spend about 22 percent of their days looking out windows, 12 percent of their days playing with other pets, 8 percent climbing on chairs and just 6 percent sleeping. The study also found that cats had the exact same schedule as Joe Biden.

This Date In History: 1941; China declared war against Japan, Germany, and Italy. 1958; The anti-Communist John Birch Society was formed. 1965; "A Charlie Brown Christmas" premiered. 1990; Lech Walesa was elected president of Poland. 1993; U.S. astronauts completed repair work on the Hubble Space Telescope. 1996; Archaeologist and anthropologist Mary Leakey died in Kenya at age 83.

Picture Of The Day: Some things are better off unsaid, so they say, but that won't happen here. As Popeye the Sailor Man used to say, "I calls them like I sees them!" You may, however, have to read between the lines.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I like barbecue sauce way too much to own a touch screen cell phone. 2) According to a recent poll, 22% of Californians now say, "Happy Holidays." The other 78% say, "Feliz Navidad." 3) When I was younger, I alway wanted a BMW. Now that I'm older, I don't need the W. 4) I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog 5) It turns out that my cat, Possum S. Hemmingway, likes Bush Baked Beans, so I gave him some. It also turns out that they affect him the same way as they affect me as, while sitting in my lap, he rudely passed a silent but deadly reminder not give him any more beans.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Margaret Hamilton, actor 1902, Grace Hopper, rear admiral; computer scientist 1906, Thomas P. O'Neill, political leader 1912, Kirk Douglas, actor 1916, John Cassavetes, actor and director 1929, Dame Judi Dench, actress 1934, Tom Daschle, U.S. senator 1947, John Malkovich, actor 1953, Felicity Huffman, actress 1962.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An old man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat. Rather than purchasing a new one, he decided he would go to church and steal one out of the vestibule. When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on the Ten Commandments.

After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand vigorously and said, "I want to thank you for saving my soul today, preacher. I came to church to steal a hat, but after hearing your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided against it." The preacher said, "You mean the Commandment, Thou shall not steal, changed your mind?" The old man said, "No, the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that, I remembered where I left my hat."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Victor and Garnett for their contributions to today's stories.

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of on-lookers gathers around. The man gasps, "Somebody get me a priest!" A policeman checks the crowd and there's no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

Then out of the crowd steps a little old man. He says, "Mr. Policeman, I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I've been living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agrees and brings the old man over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured man and says slowly in a solemn voice, "B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72..."

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out...more stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces a ll over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.....

That's it for today my little furballs. Remember, you're unique, just like everyone else. It's a good day to head over to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !