I Won't Be Back

Have you ever listened to someone speak and all of a sudden a little voice in your mind says, "Asshole!"? From the moment I heard Arnold Shwarzenneger speak, that's the first thought that entered my mind. I'm not referring to his less-than-Oscar-winning performances in movies. I'm talking about the first time I realized that California needed group therapy for electing an idiot who can barely speak Engish as their governor.

My initial thoughts were verified when "Ahnold" announced he had an affair with his maid and that the affair produced a "lust" child. Although I don't advocate extra-marital affairs, I am wise enough to know that the first rule of extra-marital activities is "never sh*t where you eat."

Nancy Pelosi's San Francisco district is getting 20% of all of the latest Obamacare law waivers. More than three dozen businesses with locations in Pelosi's district were granted temporary exemptions from the law in April, according to information released by the Department of Health and Human Services. The businesses - mostly restaurants and cafes, with a few upscale hotels and clubs mixed in - accounted for about 20 percent of all waivers granted last month.

Pelosi championed Obamacare with such intelligent statements as "We have to pass the bill so that you can find out what is in it" (that little voice in my mind is screaming again). Do the words graft or bribery come to mind?

The News As I See It: The Navy SEALs recovered an extensive stash of pornography from Bin Laden's compound. It's probably not easy just having sex with the same 11 wives all the time. There were interesting titles like "Debby Does Abbottabad", "Deep Goat" and "2 Humps, 1 Camel."

Senator John Kerry is in Pakistan, sending a strong message to the government and the people. The message is, "We think this is important enough to send John Kerry." It was annoying when John Kerry got off the plane and everyone kept asking him, "Why the long face?"

Arnold Schwarzenegger secretly fathered a child outside of his marriage 10 years ago. He told his wife at the time but it took 10 years for her to figure out what he was saying.

Scientists have a new blood test that can tell you how fast you're aging. It cost $700. Or, you can just look in the mirror. They say they've found the "master switch" that controls obesity. Hell, that's not news, the switch is called the refrigerator light.

This Date In History: 1642; The city of Montreal was founded by the French. 1804; Napoleon Bonaparte was proclaimed Emperor of France by the French Senate. 1896; The Supreme Court affirmed racial segregation in Plessy v. Ferguson as "separate but equal."

1920; Pope John Paul II was born near Krakow, Poland. 1953; Jacqueline Cochran became the first woman to fly faster than the speed of sound. 1974; India became the 6th country to become a nuclear power. 1980; Mount St. Helens, in Washington state, erupted after being dormant for 123 years.

1994; Israeli troops withdrew from the Gaza strip after three decades of occupation and Palestinians took over. 2000; A bill was finally passed that removed the Confederate flag from the South Carolina statehouse. 2004; Randy Johnson, age 40, became the oldest pitcher to throw a perfect game.

Picture Of The Day: Planking is a new behavior reported among Australia's Yowies and a social media phenomenon that is going global this week. Aussie enthusiast Daniel Hoppin took this phenomenon online. "We started lying down in bars and clubs to try to spin people. Then we began a Facebook group to see who could get the craziest photo."

Currently, there is social tension about whether it is humorous, stupid, dangerous, or creative. The planking craze already claimed its first victim this week, when a person attempted a planking stunt on his balcony and fell to his death. Dont fret though, it's just nature's way of thinning the idiot herd.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll buy a stupid hat. 2) Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes. 3) The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. 4) We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by. 5) I think that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.....and that's five!

Bonus Sixth: I've been to a lot of places but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito, either. I've heard no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport....you have to be driven there.

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Taurus - May 18th: Make yourself feel great today. Kiss a baby, hug a tree, read a good book and then take a long train journey. After that, you'll still be homely, but you'll be so tired you won't even care. Gambling is something that may get the better of you. Remember, gambling doesn't always mean forfeiting money but can also take the form of running a yellow light or crossing the road when it appears to be safe.

Loads of fake dog-poop may be dumped it in front of your house today, making it very difficult for cars to park. A romantic hotel break may be just the thing to spark up your love life this weekend. Some suggestions are to cover the bed in rose petals, place some chocolates on your loved-one's pillow and bring some beautiful, fragrant flowers. Oh, and remember to flush the toilet before your lover arrives!

Birthdays: My son Kevin - Happy Birthday! 19XX, My good buddy Joe - Happy Birthday! 19XX, Omar Khayyam, poet and mathematician 1048, Bertrand Russell, philosopher 1872, Walter Gropius, architect 1883, Ezio Pinza, singer 1892, Margot Fonteyn, ballerina 1919, John Paul II, pope 1920, Reggie Jackson, baseball player 1946, Chow Yun-Fat, actor 1955.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Murray and Rose are senior citizens and Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing them on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Rose, "So, do you notice anything different about me?" Rose says, "What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants."

Frustrated, Murray goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Rose, do you notice anything different?" Rose says, "What's different, Murray? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down again tomorrow." Angrily, Murray yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots!" Rose replies, "You shoulda bought a hat!"

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions. One seventy-five year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee." An eighty year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement." The ninety year old man says, "At seven I pee like a race horse and at eight I shit like a cow." The other men ask, "So what's your problem?" The man replied, "I don't wake up until nine."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it and to return the next day to tell their stories. In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket." The teacher said, "Very good, Joe."

Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched." The teacher, very pleased with the response so far, said, "That's a great story, Mary.".

Next it was Little Johnny's turn to tell his story. Johnny said, "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. She was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete."

Little Johnny continued, "Aunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself. Then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

The horrified teacher said, "Good heavens, what did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?" Little Johnny said, "Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drunk."

A preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning. The preacher asked, "This mower work, son?" Little Johnny said, "Sure does, just pull on the cord hard, though." The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start.

Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's house and said, "You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough." Johnny said, "Well, you need to curse at it sometimes." The preacher was aghast. "I've not done that in years!" Little Johnny said, "Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll come back to you."

That's it for today my pea pickers. Remember, a bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist. It's hump day and with any luck, I'm going to happy hour in AREA 51. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

The Throes Of Summer

As I pondered over today's post, I realized that summer is just about here. In Florida, that means two things: School's out and the beginning of hurricane season. Frankly, I don't really know which I detest more. To add fuel to the fire, the 2012 presidential campaign is well underway and the media is already taking potshots at anyone who dares to challenge the annointed one.

It's bad enough that the economy is still in the toilet and gas prices are skyrocketing, but now I have to listen to the media continue to extol the greatness of a president who has virtually failed to keep any of his campaign promises. To make matters worse, any time it rains for more than three straight days in Miami, the media runs their hurricane preparedness commercials and everyone raids the grocery stores, wiping out the battery and water supplies.

Fortunately, I always have batteries and water as just common sense bi-monthly purchases, so the raid doesn't affect my supplies. It does, however, affect my sanity. When grocery stores are raided by the hurricane crazed shoppers, they are often accompanied by the out-of-schoolers, who are allowed to roam the aisles creating havoc.

Last summer, I overheard a woman lamenting to her friend, "It's so hard to control little Johnny while I'm shopping. I just don't know what to make of him." As I passed by the woman I suggested, "How about a coffee table?" Ah, the joy of summer.....

The News As I See It: Iran’s intelligence minister claims to have proof that Osama bin Laden was dead before the Navy SEALs found him. Does anyone believe Iran has an intelligence minister? That’s like Pakistan having a truth minister.

There’s talk in Hollywood about doing another "Mad Max" movie, where gas is so expensive that people steal and kill to get it. It takes place sometime in the future — like July.

The Taliban is now on Twitter, so if they start following you, go hide someplace where no one will find you ... like MySpace.

Mitt Romney is having major trouble with endorsements. He keeps getting endorsed by President Obozo. They both have the same shitty healthcare plan.

A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.

This Date In History: 1770; Marie Antoinette married the future King Louis XVI of France. 1868; The first ballot on one of 11 articles of impeachment in the U.S. Senate failed to convict President Andrew Johnson.

1929; The first Academy Awards were given on this night. The term, Oscars, was not used to describe the statuettes given to actors and actresses until 1931. 1946; The Irving Berlin musical, Annie Get Your Gun, opened on Broadway. 1975; Japanese climber Junko Tabei became the first woman to summit Mount Everest.

1991; Queen Elizabeth II became the first British monarch to address the United States Congress. 1997; President Mobutu Sese Seko of Zaire ended 32 years of autocratic rule when rebel forces led by Laurent Kabila expelled him from the country.

Picture Of The Day: An eclectic collection of photoshop pics with no apparent theme. They do, however, amuse me.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we don't laugh at a man just walking down the street carrying a clown outfit in one of those plastic dry-cleaner bags? 2) Roses are red violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I. 3) Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands, but English women only hope to find in their butlers. 4) I don't want to say that my friend's ex-wife was overweight, but I can tell you that her belly button made an echo. 5) I may be fat, but you're ugly and I can lose weight!....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Taurus - May 16th: The best way to fool a man into giving away a biscuit is to let him know that you know where it's been. Don't give any details, just let it casually be known that you "know where it's been". How is this relevant to you today? You'll see. You and biscuits are going to be inseparable. Take a coat today as you'll need it if it rains, becomes slightly colder or if you happen to be caught out while parading naked around your local shopping center. Love hides in strange places and could be waiting for you where you least expect it. Or it could be hidden in a closet, bound and gagged.

Birthdays: William Seward, American statesman 1801, Elizabeth Palmer Peabody, educator, lecturer, and reformer 1804, Henry Fonda, actor 1905, Liberace, pianist 1919, Betty Carter, jazz and blues singer 1930, Olga Korbut, gymnast 1955, Tori Spelling, actress 1973.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill:

An older man, somewhat new to the gym, happened to notice a beautiful young woman working out. Not in the best physical condition, he asked the trainer, "I want to impress that beautiful girl over there. Which machine would you advise me to use?" The trainer replied, "Use the ATM machine outside the gym!"

One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The plaque was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. Davey asked the priest, "Father Donovan, what is this? Father Donovan replied, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque. Little Davey softly asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the 10:30?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands. She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?" The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."

Moral of the story: No matter what language you speak or where you go, behind every man there's a smart woman.

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws." The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

That's it for today my licorice sticks. Remember, if someone tells you that they would never go out with you, just tell them, "That's ok, I don't date outside my species anyway." More on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday The 13th

The fear of Friday the 13th is called paraskevidekatriaphobia or friggatriskaidekaphobia (Frigga being the name of the Norse goddess for whom "Friday" is named and triskaidekaphobia meaning fear of the number thirteen). Personally, I have hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia, which is the fear of long words.

Arizona has continuously asked the Obozo administration for more help in enforcing the U.S.-Mexico border and the prevention of illegal immigration and crime. The Obozo administration has said that the borders are safe and secure and monies would be better spent in building a high speed rail which would improve travel and boost the economy. I believe that I have found a way to satisfy both parties. Here's a thought. Let's build a high speed rail system from Arizona to Mexico and kill two birds with one stone.

The News As I See It: President Obozo gave a big speech at the U.S.-Mexico border, talking about creating pathways to citizenship. We already have pathways. They’re called illegal immigrant tunnels. Obozo’s approval rating is the highest in two years. Experts say that at this rate, Obama can count on re-election if he just kills bin Laden two more times.

Donald Trump says he uses Head & Shoulders on his hair. As a result, Head & Shoulders is suing Donald Trump for slander.

McDonald’s is undergoing a billion-dollar makeover, to be more like Starbucks — snobby, overpriced, and full of unemployed people.

The White House held "poetry night" Wednesday night and one of Michele Obozo's invitees was a rapper known as "Common". His controversial and questionable song lyrics about convicted cop-killer and former Black Panther Assata Shakur created a rash of inquiries as to why he was invited. Hey, what are you going to do? Family is family....

Al-Qaida has not yet picked a new leader to run their terrorist organization. Apparently, candidates keep losing interest after asking, "What happened to the last guy?"

When President Obozo gave his Texas campaign speech about how great it is to have immigrants in our country, Maria Shriver called the media and offered to give the rebuttal. According to TMZ, Arnold Schwarzenegger is willing to do anything to get his wife, Maria, back. He’s even willing to learn English.

This Date In History: 1568; Mary Queen of Scots was defeated at the Battle of Langside and immediately fled to North England. 1846; The United States formally declared war on Mexico after several days of fighting. 1938; Louis Armstrong and his orchestra recorded the New Orleans's jazz classic, When the Saints Go Marching In, on Decca Records.

1940; Winston Churchill gave his first speech as prime minister: "I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat." 1973; Tennis male chauvinist Bobby Riggs defeated Margaret Smith Court, 6-2, 6-1 in front of a world-wide television audience. 1981; Pope John Paul II was shot and wounded by Mehmet Ali Agca as he drove through a crowd in St. Peter's Square, Rome.

Picture Of The Day: I wish I could take credit for this picture, but I must admit I pilfered it from my facebook pal Pat from the U.KU. Someone in photoshop land discovered how similar the pictures from the Royal Wedding are to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Everything is edible. It's that some things are only edible once. 2) My ex-secretary had no patience. She said, "If you're going to ride my ass at least pull my hair and make me scream!" 3) My divorce came to me as a complete surprise. That's what happens when you haven't been home in eighteen years. 4) I think dog people should marry dog people and cat people should marry cat people. 5) I used have a Shetland pony named Penelope. One summer Penelope was involved in a bizarre electrolysis accident. All her hair was removed except for her tail, so I rented her out to Hare Krishna family picnics.....and that's five!

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Taurus May 18th: Today might not be the best day to search for spycams in your home. There are specially trained monkeys that can locate the spycams, but they also have the tendency to poop on your carpet. Destiny is something that you hardly ever think about. Praying to false gods may seem like a good idea this week, but be careful as you may become friends with a self-proclaimed tribal warrior named Murray.

Most of your dreams will come true over the coming weekend, so prepare for wealth, love and romance. You may think later this week that your computer has been hacked by your sexy 19 year old neighbor, Marie, but you will soon come to realize that actually your pet ferret has chewed through the cord of your mouse.

Birthdays: Maria Theresa, queen of Bohemia and Hungary 1717, Henry William Stiegel, iron and glass manufacturer 1729, Sir Arthur Sullivan, composer 1842, Georges Braque, painter 1882, Joe Louis, world heavyweight boxing champion 1914, Harvey Keitel, actor 1939, Stevie Wonder, singer, composer, producer 1950.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Ray-Ray shows up at the bar all out of breath so Dewey asks him, "What the hell is wrong with you?" Ray-Ray says "I've been running from the cops but I finally lost them." Dewey then asked "What the hell did you do?" Ray-Ray replied, "I was pissing in the shower and the cops showed up to arrest me!" Dewey said, "That's not against the law." Ray-Ray replied, "That's what I thought, but those guys at Home Depot sure must of thought it was!"

A drunk man sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest glared at him and replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

The drunk muttered, "Well, I'll be damned," and returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized, saying, "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A young man at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that read, "$5.00 - If I can't tell you where you're from, I'll pay you $50.00" The young man watched a cowboy approach the Indian and ask, "Is the sign right?" The Indian says, "yes." The cowboy hands him a five and says, ""you're on" The Indian looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow dung on his boots and flatly states, "you're from Wyoming." The cowboy shakes his head and says, "I'll be darned! You're right" and strolls away.

A second cowboy approaches the Indian and goes through the same routine. Handing him the fiver, he stands and watches as the Indian looks him up and down and notices a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots. The Indian says, "you're from Montana" The cowboy, dejected, walks away.

The young man decides he's going to give the Indian a run for the money. He goes into the men's room, takes his boots off, scrubs them up, dries them off, puts on a coat of polish and approaches the Indian. He hands the Indian a five dollar bill and says, "Do your stuff."

The Indian looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be befuddled. The young man is now thinking he's gone one up on the Indian. The Indian says, "You're from Arkansas" The young man gets really upset and can't for the life of him figure out how the Indian could know that, so he asks, "How in the world did you know I'm from Arkansas?" The Indian replies, "by the wool on your zipper."

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down. A little monkey sitting at the bar gets up on the bar and pisses in the beer. The man asks the bartender, "Who owns that damned monkey?" The barman replies, "The piano player". The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey pissed in my beer?" The piano player replies, "No, but if you can hum it, I can play it."

A man stumbles up to a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Noticing the only other man at the bar, he tells the bartender to buy him a drink. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" The second man replies, "I'm from Miami but my Dad was born in Alabama." The first man says, "What a coincidence my Dad's from Alabama too! Let's have another round to Alabama." The second man says, "Good idea!"

Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Alabama is your Dad from?" The second man replies, "Tuscaloosa." The first man says, "I can't believe it. My Dad's from Tuscaloosa too! Let's have another drink to Tuscaloosa." The second man says, "For sure!"

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?" The second man, "Hialeah High school. I graduated in '64." The first man says, "This is unbelievable! I went to Hialeah High too and graduated in '63!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. The regular says the bartender, "Hey Tom, what's going on?" The bartender says, "Nothing much, same old thing. Mondays are slow and the Sullivan brothers are drunk again."

That's it for today, my little piccolo players. Remember, if you are asked to join a parade, don't walk behind the elephants. It's Friday and my thoughts turn to Happy Hour in AREA 51. Have a fantastic weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Happy Hour

Almost everyone has been to Happy Hour once in their lives. In times of stress and on almost any other occasion which can be justifiable, I, too, have gone to happy hour in a special little place which I like to call AREA 51. Although the physical site has changed over the years, the reason for its existance has not.

In the past, happy hour was a release from the pressure of my business and othe related issues. As time passed and I became single again, it became a social experience and a meeting place for friends. Lately, it still serves its purpose in both categories and now has the added attraction of people watching.

Granted, it can never live up to the expectations of mirth when one visits WalMart, but then again every day can't be the Superbowl. It is amusing however, to watch some of the younger men make that long walk to speak to a woman only having to return to his seat like the proverbial hunter who returns home empty handed.

Of course, nothing beats watching the man or woman who has reached that certain state when lying one's head on the bar seems like a good idea, even if the waiter has not yet removed the plate of spaghetti.

The News As I See It: Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife Maria Shriver are separating after 25 years of marriage. Maria will get the house in Malibu and Arnold will be moving back to Skull Island. Hey, Maria gave it a shot, but that’s what happens when you marry outside of your species.

President Obozo admitted he was very nervous while watching the raid on Osama bin Laden’s compound. And it didn’t help that every two seconds, Joe O'Biden kept saying, "Are we there yet?"

The interior minister of Pakistan says that they have nothing to hide. Yea, not anymore. The United States gave the Pakistani police $162 million. Unfortunately, bin Laden gave them $163 million.

Apparently Osama bin Laden was living in a mansion with no phone and no cable for six years. He'd been waiting for six years for the Time-Warner cable guy to show up.

Washington, D.C. has a new program that would pay residents $12,000 to move closer to their workplace. It’s already a huge hit - in fact just today, 3,000 prostitutes moved in right across from Congress.

In Detroit, a plane had to be diverted due to a threatening note. The note said, "Welcome to Detroit."

This Date In History: 1858; Minnesota became the 32nd state in the United States. 1894; The Pullman Strike began. 1949; Siam changed its name to Thailand. 1960; Israeli agents captured Nazi Adolf Eichmann in Argentina. 1973; Charges against Daniel Ellsberg for his role in the Pentagon Papers case were dismissed.

1981; Reggae performer Bob Marley died of cancer in Miami at the age of 36. 1997; IBM's supercomputer, Deep Blue defeated Garry Kasparov, the reigning world champion, in a six game chess match (2 for blue, 1 for Kasparov, and 3 ties). 1998; India set off atomic blasts. 2003; 91% of Lithuanian voters opted to join the European Union - the first former Soviet nation to do so.

Picture Of The Day: There are times that going happy hour is impossible and it's always great to have a couple of drinks at home. Like any other drinking situtation, you have to keep an eye on your drink at all times.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. 2) Sometimes I go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there. 3) Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving. 4) Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. 5) It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.....and that's five!

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Taurus - May 11th: You can test yourself today by attempting to abstain from gratuitous sex. Being sexy and being sexist are not one and the same. Your face may become sore and chapped today due to all the slapping. The odds are always on your side today, so don't be afraid to experiment. It probably seems unreal right now, but you are likely to meet a long-lost relative over the coming month or so. Most of your body is going to become an erogenous zone later this week and you might be awkwardly caught out when even the slightest, even accidental, touch causes you to wet yourself.

Birthdays: My pal Chad - Happy Birthday Bud! 19XX, Irving Berlin, songwriter 1888, Dame Margaret Rutherford, actress 1892, Martha Graham, modern dancer, choreographer 1894, Salvadore Dali, Spanish surrealist painter 1904, Camilo José Cela, novelist and poet 1916, Richard Feynman, physicist 1918, Louis Farrakhan, religious leader 1933, Natasha Richardson, actress 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" He replies, "No, I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The man says, "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me." Smiling, the woman asks, "What's it telling you now?" The man says, "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!" The man replies, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet. She cried, " Hello?" but no answer. She cried a little louder, Is anybody here?" But still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled, "Hello! Is any one here?" Then she heard a voice from far away, "Hello, we're down here...."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

A young Arab asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?" The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun." The boy asked his father, "And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" The father said, "It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body."

The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet? His father replied, "These are 'babouches", which keep us from burning our feet in the desert." The boy said, "So tell me then, why are you living in Detroit, Michigan
and still wearing all this shit?"

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing Georges truck there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... and left it there all night.

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, bubba and his wife listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Bubba leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it honey?" And thus began Bubba's life of celibacy....

That's it for today, my little meadowlarks. Remember, women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean. It's Hump Day and with any luck, I'll be heading to Happy Hour in AREA 51. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

We Had No Idea He Was There

Pakistan receives 1.5 billion dollars per year in aid from the United States. One would think that with such a sizeable financial aid package, Pakistan would have been aware that Osama Bin Laden was living for the past five years within walking distance of Pakistan's equivalent of West Point.

Prime Minister Yousuf Raza Gilani, in his first address to parliament since the covert U.S. raid that killed the al-Qaida chief a week ago, lashed out at allegations Pakistan knew where bin Laden was hiding, though he offered no details on what the country did know about his location. He also warned the U.S. that any unilateral raids in the future would be met with "full force."

New signs are emerging of Pakistan's anger over the unilateral action taken by the U.S. in sending Navy SEALs into the country from Afghanistan in helicopters with radar-evading technology. In apparent retaliation, Pakistani media have leaked what they said was the name of the CIA station chief in Islamabad, possibly seeking to damage covert American activity in the country.

In my opinion, the 1.5 billion dollars per year Pakistani aid package would be far better invested in sealing and guarding the U.S.-Mexican against illegal immigrants. We should only send enough money each year to Pakistan so that they can continue to purchase bath towels to cover their heads. Once they get the hint, maybe they'll find a way to be more in line in stopping terrorists from living freely in the rat hole they call Pakistan. But, that's just me.....

Look for President Obozo to make a speech tomorrow on immigration when he visits El Paso, Texas. The president wants to see a path to legalization for the millions of illegal immigrants in this country. Hispanic lawmakers are pressing Obozo to take executive action to stop or slow some deportations which he's so far refused to do. Coincidentally, Obozo has begun his campaign for reelection with a focus on immigration, a key issue for Hispanic voters.

Just like his 2008 shuck and jive campaign, where he told voters anything they wanted to hear to get elected, Obozo has left the immigration problem at the bottom of the list. Now that it's time for Shuck and Jive 2012, all political lies and promises are being dusted off and put on the table again. The immigration ruse that he will put forth tomorrow is simply a ploy so that republicans will oppose it, thus aiding his campaign reelection hopes. If you voted for Obozo in 2008 to prove you're not a racist, you need to vote for someone else in 2012 to prove you're not an idiot.

The News As I See It:Mother’s Day was tough this year. Did you go to the ATM and take out $150 for roses or did you use the $150 to fill up your car to go visit mom?

The price of oil is now under $100 a barrel. The oil companies say they should be passing on the savings to us in the next six or seven years.

Supporters of Osama bin Laden want to rename the Arabian Sea after bin Laden’s death. They want to call it "Martyr’s Sea." Please, hiding in your bedroom for six years with the blinds closed? How about "Chicken of the Sea?"

l always enjoy Cinco de Mayo. It celebrates the day that St. Cinco drove all the piñatas out of Tijuana. I celebrated the way I do every year, by pressing "Español" on the ATM machine.

They celebrated Cinco de Mayo at the Pentagon. In keeping with the times, five Navy Seals whacked a giant piñata and then gave it a burial at sea.

The White House is releasing more information on the details of that attack on Osama bin Laden. They said the helicopters were able to fly in undetected because it was 1:00 a.m. and the Pakistan air traffic controller was sound asleep.

Eighty-five-year-old Hugh Hefner and his 25-year-old fiancée Crystal Harris have sent out the invitations for their June 18 wedding. She told guests to wear white — but bring black, just in case.

This Date In History: 1914; Mother's Day became a public holiday. 1926; Explorers Richard E. Byrd and Floyd Bennett flew over the North Pole. 1936; Fascist Italy annexed Ethiopia. 1962; The Beatles signed their first recording contract and hired George Martin to be their producer.

1978 The body of slain former Italian prime minister Aldo Moro was found in an automobile in Rome. 1984; It took the Chicago White Sox 25 innings, eight hours, and six minutes, over two days, to finally defeat the Milwaukee Brewers, 7-6. It was the longest game (in elapsed time) in major-league history.

1994; The South African parliament chose Nelson Mandela as president. 2004; Chechnya's Moscow-backed leader, Akhmad Kadyrov, was killed in a bombing. Six others were killed and another 60 wounded.

Picture Of The Day: Ya gotta love the pic of the day (above) reflecting the photoshop gang's reflection of bin Laden's final days.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Alcohol is not the answer, it just helps you forget the question. 2) Everyone has the right to be stupid, but a lot of people are abusing the privilege! 3) A friend is someone who will help you move. A good friend is someone who will help you move a dead body. 4) Silence doesn't mean your sexual performance left her speechless. 5) If you think a sweet little old lady wouldn't say the "F word", go to the retirement community activities night and wait until another sweet little old lady yells, "Bingo!".....and that's five!

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Taurus May 9th: Walk without shoes for a day and you will soon understand the true nature of the soul. Life will throw many things at you over the coming months, including a book-shelf which you will have to assemble yourself because you're so cheap, you bought it from Ikea. You will overhear gossip today about your love life while you are on the toilet. This may cause you to dam your flatulence so you can hear the really juicy part.

Birthdays: Belle Boyd, spy in the Civil War 1844, Sir James Barrie, playwright 1860, Howard Carter, Egyptologist 1873, "Pancho" Gonzales, tennis player 1928, Glenda Jackson, actress 1936, Albert Finney, actor 1936, John Ashcroft, attorney general 1942, Billy Joel, musician, singer, songwriter 1949.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A woman realized that her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The woman goes to the drug store and to get some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The woman says, "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says, "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady woman says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist saya, "Stay off your bicycle for at least a week."

A woman tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building. She changed her mind at the last minute, so she just flipped over and landed on her feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's done."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?" Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." The nun said, "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first." The nun said, "What a wonderful answer!"

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet." The nun looked at him with a bewildered look on her face and said, "Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?" Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night. Mom had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God! I'm coming!'" If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The kids' weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. Little Sally led off, saying, "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30. My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." The teacher said, "Very good Sally!"

Little Jenny was next and reported, "I sold magazines. I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." The teacher said, "That's great, Jenny."

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk and said, "$750!" The teacher, "$750? What in the world were you selling?" Little Johnny said, "Toothbrushes? How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

Little Johnny replied, "I found the busiest corner in town. I set up a Dip & Chip stand I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like shit!" Then I said, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

Three islamic women were sitting around one day discussing their children. The first woman says, "My son loves Allah so much that he strap a bomb on himself and blew up the town center. The second woman says, "My son Mohammad loved his country so much he drove a tanker truck full of gasoline into the gates of the enemies and he is in heaven with the virgins. The third woman replies,"Children..they blow up so fast now a days."

That's it for today, my little puddle jumpers. Remember, to err is human. To blame it on somebody else shows management potential. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !