I don't know what pisses me off more - Cory Booker's ignorant questions to Secretary of State nominee Mike Pompeo or the babbling questions by Congressional morons to Mark Zuckerberg.
The amusing thing in the questioning of Zuckerberg (who bluffed or spun his way around most of the questions) was that he sat on a four-inch-thick cushion to boost his height during his Senate testimony.
Cory Booker, a presidential wannabe, was way out of line with his racial and sexual questioning and methinks he was just looking for TV time.
Meanwhile, Senator Bob Menendez of New Jersey, wagged a finger at Pompeo about integrity. It hasn’t even been five months since a mistrial was declared in Menendez’s corruption trial, so many don’t see him as one who should be questioning the integrity of others.
The News As I See It: Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg completed two days of his congressional testimony about security breaches. Things got a little tense when Zuckerberg referred to each senator by their PIN number.
The city of Anchorage, Alaska, has voted down a bathroom bill that discriminates against transgendered people. Residents said, "You know, it’s so cold here in Alaska we can’t tell what genitals you have anyway."
A 112-year-old-man in Japan was just named the world's oldest man. He's very happy. He said he'll remember this moment for the rest of this week.
This Date In History: 1598; The Edict of Nantes gave religious tolerance to the Huguenots in France. 1742; Handel’s Messiah was first publicly performed in Dublin, Ireland. 1964; Sidney Poitier became the first African American to win the Academy Award for best actor.
1970; Apollo 13 announced "Houston, we've got a problem," when an oxygen tank burst on the way to the Moon. 1975; Civil War began in Lebanon when gunmen killed 4 Christian Phalangists who retaliated by killing 27 Palestinians. 1997; Tiger Woods became the youngest person to win the Masters Tournament.
2994; Barry Bonds hit his 661st homer, passing Willie Mays to take third place on the lifetime list. 2012; Kwangmyŏngsŏng-3, a North Korean Earth observation satellite, exploded shortly after its launch. The U.S. and other countries called the launch a violation of United Nations Security Council rules.
Picture Of The Day: The mere idea of sitting in a padded chair cracks me up. It's tantamount to the proverbial "comb over".
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Okay ladies, warm weather is here. Time to
de-Sasquatch-ify your legs. 2) Love comes in all shapes and sizes. By the time love came to me, all the good shapes and sizes were taken. 3) If stupid was a disease, people would be dropping dead all over the place. 4) It gets scary when I start making the same noises that my coffee maker does. 5) We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I owned my own home.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - April 13th: The temperature will affect you this week in ways that I simply cannot foresee. I believe it will be the kind of temperature that requires the movement of clothing, either on or off, because it will be either hot or cold.....or possibly somewhere in between. You and biscuits are going to be inseparable today.
Birthdays: Thomas Jefferson, 3rd president of the United States 1743, Butch Cassidy, outlaw 1866, Samuel Beckett, playwright 1906, 1906 Eudora Welty, novelist 1909, Ben Nighthorse Campbell, U.S. senator 1933, Seamus Heaney, poet 1939.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans. Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different.
Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan." The teacher asked, "Why aren't you an Obama fan?" Johnny said, "Because I'm a Libertarian."
The teacher asked him why he's a Libertarian.
Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Libertarian and my Dad's a Libertarian, so I'm a Libertarian."
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?" With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me an Obama fan."
During a recent press conference, a reporter with MSNBC hollered from the press corps, "Where is President Trump hiding his tax returns?"
Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, astutely responded, "We've found a very secure place and I'm certain they won't be found."
The reporter asked sarcastically, "And just where is that?" Mrs Sanders grinned sardonically and said, "They are underneath Obama's college records, his passport application, his immigration status as a student, his funding sources to pay for college, his college records and his Selective Service registration. Next question?"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"
The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave the officer her license.
The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"
Some of you may or may not be aware that as you get older, your brain occasionally goes on vacation without letting you know. You eventually learn from this. Then, when you suddenly find yourself wondering where you are and why are you're there, you don't panic.
Rather, you stand there for a moment or two and try to retrace you last known position hoping to recreate the thought you may or may not have had. Additionally, you learn not to wear your dazed and bewildered look as this can lead to having predators follow you like buzzards over a dying animal. It also stops other seniors near you from laughing or pointing at you.
Early signs of this malady usually begin with simple things like looking for five minutes for your glasses only to realize that they are on top of your head. Another frequent mishap is to go from room A to room B and upon arrival, not having the slightest idea of why you are there.
Occasional loss of thought and the innate inability to remember some one's name are a constant bother especially when you can remember the words to every song written since the beginning of time.
But fret not my little puppies. In order to reach this stage, you have to have lived a long, full life with beautiful memories and a lifetime of both good and bad memories, usually more of the former and less of the latter. The best part is that eventually, you'll be able to hide your own Easter eggs and meet new friends every day.....
That's it for today, my little chicklets Remember, If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, call them up later when you’re drunk. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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Television and it's commercials are driving me crazy. I have become accustomed to the rhetoric of the fake news media, but now I'm seeing a multitude of no-talent shows and commercials that seem to have an agenda with diversification...brainwashing, if you will.
Shows are becoming boring, non-scripted crapola about pawn brokers, deeps sea fishing, dirty jobs and the like. These a merely slot fillers where the networks can pay low salaries and still get in their tainted, left leaning commercials. Fortunately there are still a few good shows that are worth watching.
Commercials are slanted with unreal diversification. Apparently, no commercial can contain one group of people. Watch the commercials and you'll see a hodge podge of ethnicity. I have all kinds of friends, but I have never seen such a ridiculous combination of characters in any public setting. I don't really object to the characters, but I do reject the underlying attempt at brainwashing.
The entire feeble attempt at disguising the underlying attempt to push diversification in commercials reminds me of the Google logo. Both disgust me.
The News As I See It: The makers of Pokemon Go have announced that they will use the app to encourage and reward players for walking around and picking up garbage on Earth Day. While the makers of Tinder have ALWAYS encouraged people to pick up garbage.
Mahatma Gandhi often walked barefoot which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, making him rather frail and with his odd diet he often suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.
My girlfriend and I went camping this weekend in her SUV and two raccoons got in the car. Long story short, if you see two coons speeding in a 2011 Jeep Cherokee, email me.
This Date In History: 1830; Joseph Smith and five others organized the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Fayette, New York. 1862; The Battle of Shiloh in the American Civil War began.
1896; First modern Olympic Games opened in Athens, Greece. 1909; Robert Peary and Matthew Henson became the first to reach the North Pole. 1917; U.S. declared war on Germany and entered World War I.
Picture Of The Day: One can dream, can't one?
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I like to make shopping lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what's on the list while at the store. It's a fun game. 2) A man started choking in the line at Wendy's today. Luckily the manager jumped into action and opened another register. 3) The waiter, I mean "barrista", said, "It's pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh." I said, "Ok, got it doo-shah." 4) If you play a game with your girlfriend where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with, choose a celebrity and not "Liz from Accounting." 5) I caught a cold and my doctor recommended coffee enemas. I can never go back to Starbucks.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 6th: Most of your body is going to become an erogenous zone later this week and the slightest, even accidental, touch may cause you to wet yourself. Thank goodness for Depends, huh?
Birthdays: Raphael Santi, major Italian Renaissance painter 1493, James Mill,
philosopher, economist and historian 1773,
Anthony Fokker,
aircraft manufacturer 1890, Andre Previn,
conductor, composer and pianist 1929.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Some women were gathered and the subject of the conversation turned to sex and then birth control. The first woman says, "We're Catholic, so we can't use it." The next woman says, "I am too, but we use the rhythm method." The third woman says, "We use the bucket and saucer method."
The other women asked, "What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?"
The woman replied, "Well, I'm five foot eleven and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket and when his eyes get big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him."
Bambi, a blonde in her third year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her U.S. government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question, then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" Mabel pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."
A young couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred. Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet to pee and neglected to notice that the seat was up. When she sat, she kept going!
She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her. She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to free her.
During the process, they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs.
Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem. When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way.
Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber, grabbed a stuffed bunny from the bedroom and placed it over his wife's exposed privates. The plumber walked into the bathroom, took a long look and said, "Well I think I can save your wife, Buddy, but the rabbit's a goner."
That's it for today, my little tadpoles. Remember, a word to the wise isn't necessary. It's the stupid ones that need the advice. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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ABC Television executives finally learned that a different group of people live between Manhatten and Los Angeles as witnessed by the 18 million viewers who tuned into Roseanne Tuesday night.
The show is centered on a struggling Midwestern family, with Roseanne Barr, its star and co-creator, playing an unabashed Trump supporter who spars with her liberal sister, played by Laurie Metcalf. The show especially reverberated among heartland viewers.
The top markets for the debut read like a political pollster’s red-state checklist: Cincinnati; Kansas City, Tulsa.
Liberal enclaves like New York and Los Angeles did not crack the top 20.
Some TV watchers are wondering if the successful reception will pave the way for the return of another show that highlights a conservative lead character: Tim Allen's "Last Man Standing," which was scraped from the TV schedule by ABC despite high ratings.
ABC claimed there was no room in the schedule for the comedy. Allen, like his character on the show, is a Republican, and many speculated the cancellation had something to do with the views expressed on-screen.
The News As I See It: Facebook announced major changes to its privacy settings. Apparently, they’re going to start having some. With so much ado about Facebook hacks, I think I'm going to change my Facebook name to Benefits.
Now, when someone adds me on Facebook, it will say: "You are now friends with Benefits."
The Russian presidential election was recently held and to get people to vote, Russian officials were offering prizes like Apple Watches. It sounds fun — until you open the box and your Apple Watch is still attached to a hand. Putin was elected to his fourth term in office, handily beating his closest rival, a poisoned corpse.
Former FBI director, liar and leaker, James Comey’s memoir has already topped Amazon’s list of best-sellers, almost a month ahead of its release, due to pre-orders. You can find it in your local bookstore blocking Hillary Clinton’s book.
This Date In History: 1842; Anesthesia was used for the first time in an operation. 1856; The Treaty of Paris was signed, ending the Crimean War. 1867; A treaty for the purchase of Alaska from Russia for the sum of $7.2 million, approximately two cents an acre, was submitted to the U.S. Senate.
1870; The 15th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution went into effect, guaranteeing the right to vote regardless of race. 1964; The game show Jeopardy debuted on television. 1981; President Ronald Reagan was shot in the chest by John Hinckley as he left a Washington hotel. 2002; The Queen Mother Elizabeth of England died at the age of 101.
Picture Of The Day: This
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia. 2) I have no tattoos or body piercings, however, I do have several scars from bite marks on my shoulders. 3) Saying it's McDonald's fault because your kids are fat is like saying it's Hooter's fault because your husband likes big tits. 4) I've always wondered why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets. 5) I don't always whoop, but when I do.....There it is.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - March 30th: This weekend you're going to get a giddy feeling that will emotionally elevate you to heights you've never before dreamed of. The world will become your oyster, flowers will bloom in your presence, children will miraculously stop crying in your arms and dogs will quit yappin' after midnight except for that noisy little bastard that lives on the third floor balcony.
Birthdays: Francisco Goya, artist 1746, Anna Sewell, author of Black Beauty 1820, Paul Verlaine, poet 1844, Vincent Van Gogh, Dutch painter 1853, Sean O'Casey,
dramatist 1884, Warren Beatty, director, actor, producer 1937, Celine Dion, singer 1968.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Three ladies are playing the fourth hole at a members-only golf club when a naked man with a bag over his head jumps out from behind the trees and runs across the green.
The three ladies are in total shock at the size of his manhood!
The first lady says, "Well, he definitely isn't my husband."
The second lady looks at his manhood and says, "He isn't my husband, either."
The third lady takes a good look and says, "He's not even a member of this club!"
Vern was teeing off from the men's tee.
On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Joy, was teeing up on the
woman's tee directly in front of him.
Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple,
killing her instantly.
A few days later, Vern got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.
Coroner: "Vern, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the
head.
You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?"
Vern: "Yes, sir, that's correct."
Coroner: "Well, inexplicably I found a golf ball wedged up her ass."
Vern: "Was it a Titleist 3?"
Coroner: "Yes, it was."
Vern: "That was my mulligan."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An elderly couple were discussing plans to get married and wanted to iron out any potential problems with their particular properties.
The old woman said, "I want to keep my condominium in my name" The old man replied, "That's fine with me."
The woman said, "I also want to keep my Cadillac in my name only." The man said, "that's fine with me."
Then, the old lady said, "I want to have sex six days a week." The old man said, "That's fine with me - put me down for Fridays."
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife
asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side
of the road and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was and she said to her husband, “It’s nearly frozen to death. Can
we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?”
He says, “O.K., Get in the car with it.” She asks,“Where shall I put it to get it warm?”
He says, “Put it in between your legs. It’s nice and warm there.”
His wife asks. “But what about the smell?” Her husband replied.“Just hold its little nose.” The man is recovering nicely and is expected to be discharged from the hospital in a few days.....
That's it for today, my little doodlebugs. Remember, the real 5 second rule is that if you can get to it before the dog does, it's yours. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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In the Civil War, sides were drawn by state politicians and the fighting began. Brother against brother, American versus American. Few soldiers knew why the war began, but they did their duty and over 620,000 Americans died and more were wounded.
The US Civil War was incontrovertibly the bloodiest, most devastating conflict in American history, and it remains unknown - and unknowable - exactly how many men died or were wounded in Union and Confederate uniform.
If you are serving or ever served your country in the armed forces, police or firefighters, you are aware that when given an order, you must obey it without question or hesitancy. Though you may or may not know the reasoning, you do what's asked of you.
Approximately one in four soldiers that went to war never returned home. At the outset of the war, neither army had mechanisms in place to handle the amount of death that the nation was about to experience. There were no national cemeteries, no burial details and no messengers of loss.
After the war ended, poverty and poor relief, especially in times of acute food shortages, were major challenges facing Union and Confederate authorities. Cemeteries and statues began to slowly arise, Both were memorials to the thousands of young soldiers were killed or wounded during the worst war in U.S. history.
The current trend of tearing down or removal statues and memorials are tantamount to plowing up a cemetery. The morons who do these actions have no idea of the severity of the Civil and how many lives it effected. I wonder how they would feel if someone dug up and destroyed their mother's grave over petty politics.....
The News As I See It: U.S. Immigration agents raided hundreds of 7-Eleven stores to investigate the legal status of store employees. Hey, if you're going to investigate something at 7-Eleven, how about the hot dogs? How long have THEY been in the country?
At the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, there was a party that featured robot strippers. They said the annoying thing about robot strippers is when you give them a dollar, you have to make sure it's not crinkled and facing the right way.
I read about a company that's working on technology that would let your pet video chat with you. It's fun to get a video chat from your dog, but depressing to watch your cat decline your call.
This Date In History: 1773, The first public museum in the U.S. was established in Charleston, S.C. 1896; H. L. Smith took the first X-ray photograph. It was a hand with a bullet in it. 1915; The U.S. House of Representatives rejected a proposal to give women the right to vote.
1932; Hattie W. Caraway, a democrat from Arkansas became the first woman to be elected to the U.S. Senate. 1991; A divided Congress gave President Bush the go-ahead on the Persian Gulf War. 1998; Nineteen European countries signed an agreement banning human cloning.
2010; Haiti is dealt a catastrophic blow when a magnitude 7.0 earthquake strikes 10 miles southwest of Port-au-Prince, the country's capital. It is the region's worst earthquake in 200 years. The number of fatalities were between 46,000 and 85,000 people.
Picture Of The Day:
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm going to open a restaurant called "Peace and Quiet" where kids meals cost $150. 2) My friend's grandmother's name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it. 3) I ran into a woman as I walked around a corner causing her to drop a pile of papers and we didn’t immediately fall in love as we picked them up so now I’ll never trust movies again. 4) Is it considered multitasking if you pee a little when you sneeze? 5) CAT scans are just like regular scans, only the techs push you off the table after your done.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - January 12th: Don't trust little birdies, most of them lie. Love comes in all shapes and sizes. Unfortunately, all the good shapes and sizes are already taken. Bread, lightly cooked and buttered. Today's horoscope was sponsored by Toast.
Birthdays: Charles Perrault, poet 1628, Edmund Burke, political writer and statesman 1729, John Hancock, political leader in the American Revolution and signer of the Declaration of Independence 1737, John Singer Sargent, painter 1856, Jack London, novelist 1876, Joe Frazier, boxer 1944, Rush Limbaugh, radio personality 1951.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber’s face.
The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.
Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then, one old cowboy tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said, "My mother-in-law got a pretty good look at you."
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women from England, Wales and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No." So, she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No." So she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Scottish woman came to him and said, "Have ya ever been fooked, laddie?" The man broke into a big smile and said, "No," She said, "Aye, ya will be when the tide comes in."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
The donkey later came back and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him.
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.
The Moral Of The Story: When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs...enough times till her husband says, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"
With a seductive smile, the woman purred, "Yes."
Her husband says, "Thank God, for a moment, I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa."
That's it for today, my little artichoke hearts. Remember, asking a redhead if you can see her pumpkin patch will get you in trouble (It's not important how I know that). I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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New Year's Eve nears and, as usual, I haven't made any plans yet. But every year I seem to find a way to celebrate the New Year. I usually try to stay close to home as all the amateur drinkers are on the road.
On top of that, most restaurants and bars raise their prices and I'm not in the mood to have my pocket picked for a glass of bad champagne, a hat and a cheap noise maker. But if you've never had the pleasure of being out on New Year's Eve, I guess you have to try it once or twice.
I want to thank my friends, family and especially my readers for a good 2017. May everyone be blessed and safe as we await 2018.
The News As I See It: Looking forward to New Year's Eve reminded me of my last sojourn to a restaurant on New Year's Eve where I was put on a waiting list. I left when I heard the Maitre d' announce, "Donner? Party of 89...Donner?"
Did you know that years ago this fall, back in 1850, California became a state.
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically nothing has changed except the women had real tits and the men didn't hold hands.
This Date In History: 1179; Thomas Becket, Archbishop of Canterbury, was murdered by four knights acting under the orders of Henry II. 1845; Texas became the 28th state in the United States. 1851; The first Young Men's Christian Association (YMCA) opened in Boston.
1890; The last major battle of the Indian Wars, at Wounded Knee Creek, took place with hundreds of Indian men, women, and children massacred. 1937; The Constitution of Ireland, changing the Irish Free State into Eire, went into effect.
1940; During World War II, Germany began dropping incendiary bombs on London. 1989; Vaclav Havel was elected president of Czechoslovakia. 1996; A peace agreement was signed, ending 36 years of conflict in Guatemala.
Picture Of The Day: Happy New Year to all my family, friends and readers.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Apparently sitting here on my new lawn furniture, drinking my vodka and minding my business is disturbing to other Target guests.
2) Starbucks should have a separate line for people who don't know what they want or how the world works. 3) I bought a used UPS truck. It gets poor gas mileage but I can park anywhere. 4) According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again. 5) My friend's teenage kid said he wanted to go to JFK for some fried chicken. He won't be majoring in history but it's nice to know he is scouting out his career options.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - December 29th: Walk without shoes for a day and you will soon understand the true nature of the soul. Life will throw many things at you over the coming months, including a book-shelf which you will have to assemble yourself because you bought it from IKEA.
Birthdays: Charles Goodyear, invented vulcanized rubber 1800, Andrew Johnson, 17th President of the United States 1808, William Gladstone, statesman 1809, Pablo Casals, virtuoso cellist 1876, William "Billy" Mitchell, aviator, soldier 1879, Vera Brittain, novelist, poet 1893, Mary Tyler Moore, actress 1936, Jon Voight, actor, director, writer 1938, Patricia Clarkson, actor 1859, Jude Law, actor 1972.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Mother superior calls all the nuns together and says to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
An elderly nun at the back of the room says, "Thank God, I'm so tired of Chardonnay."
The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $100,000 for the year.
The deli owner asked, "Why don't you people leave me alone? I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year and you want to know how I made $100,000?"
The agent replied, "It's not your income that bothers us. It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife." The deli owner answered, "Oh, that, I forgot to tell you. We also deliver
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my sweet Sandra for her contribution to today's stories.
I once lost my watch at a party. I looked over to see a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude and punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch.
Old Aunt Clara went to a new doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. She said to the doctor, "It's terrible! I haven't moved my bowels in more than a week."
The doctor said, "I see. Have you done anything about it?"
Aunt Clara replied, "Oh, yes. I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night."
The doctor said, "No, I mean do you take anything?" Aunt Clara answered, "Just a magazine...
That's it for today, my little New Year's revelers. Remember, women don't consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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Stay Tuned !
Santa has begun his yearly trek to deliver his gifts. He's checking his list to see who's been naughty or nice. I'm usually nice but the naughty thing is normally my downfall. I'm relatively sure I won't be one of his stops.
I feel sorry for any man who hasn't yet purchased a present for his wife or girlfriend (or both). Smart women have already learned how to get the gift they really want.
They simply hand the man a list with the name of the store, the department location, a picture and pertinent details of the present complete with a GPS tracking device. A copy of the note is also pinned to the man's shirt so the sales woman knows what the man wants.
Mens wants are very basic. If they truly want it, they've already purchased it. Anything else along the lines of food, drink, sports equipment or electronics will usually suffice.
Fortunately for men, their spouse, girlfriends, sisters or mother always makes sure that their men receive their annual re-supply of underwear, T-shirts and socks.
Although these things are not very flashy, they always come in the Saint Nick of time as men never purchase these items for themselves.
So that's the basic shopping plans for the weekend. I wish a safe, Merry Christmas and Happy Holiday to all of my family, friends and readers!
The News As I See It: Omarosa, former apprentice contestant and recent White House aide, has been fired. Omarosa is out of a job. So now she'll be doing, well, pretty much the same thing she was doing at the White House. Absolutely nothing.
Do you feel the Holiday spirit enveloping you like a blanket right now? Christmas is 3 days away, which means we only get to hear that Mariah Carey song 7,000 more times.
Nancy Pelosi said that the tax plan is "an all-out looting of America, a wholesale robbery of the middle class" which incidentally, is also the slogan for Whole Foods.
New York Mayor Bill de Blasio recently visited Iowa. He meant to visit Queens but the F Train got rerouted.
This Date In History: 1732; Benjamin Franklin began publishing Poor Richard's Almanac. 1776; Thomas Paine published his first American Crisis essay, in which he wrote, "These are the times that try men's souls."
1843; Charles Dickens published "A Christmas Carol." 1946; War broke out in Indochina when Ho Chi Minh attacked the French. 1972; Apollo 17 splashed down in the Pacific, ending the Apollo program of manned lunar landings.
1984; Britain and China signed an accord returning Hong Kong to Chinese sovereignty on July 1, 1997. 1998; President Bill Clinton impeached on two counts by the House of Representatives.
Picture Of The Day: Merry Christmas
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I hate it when I mix my metaphors and all hell breaks wind.
2) As I get older and I remember all the people I've lost along the way I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me. 3) My daughter once asked me what marriage was like, so I threw out all her Barbie and Ken dolls, except for Fat Barbie and bald, drunken Ken. 4) A liter of Johnnie Walker Black scotch......when you absolutely, positively need to wake up underneath your neighbor's swing-set. 5) I saw a large bear eating a big lunch from the dumpster at Taco Bell. Then he ran off into the woods, ostensibly to prove a point.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 22nd: You may become trapped in a cave with a panther and a sound system playing Michael Bolton's greatest hits this week. You can avoid the panther's attack by simply singing along with Michael Bolton but there's no cure from the lingering effects of Bolton's music.
Birthdays: James Oglethorpe, founder of the American colony of Georgia 1696, Thomas Wentworth Higginson, abolitionist 1823, Giacomo Puccini, composer of operas 1858, Connie Mack, baseball player and manager 1862, Edwin Arlington Robinson, poet 1869, Dame Peggy Ashcroft, actress 1907, Lady Bird Johnson, Businessperson, First Lady and Wife of President Lyndon Johnson 1912, Diane Sawyer, television journalist 1945, Ralph Fiennes, actor 1962.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Louisiana Highway Department employees stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. The man in charge told the farmer, "We need to inspect your farm for a possible new road." The old farmer said, "OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there."
The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card and said, "I have the authority of the State of Louisiana to go anywhere I want. See this card? I will go wherever I wish."
So the old farmer went about his chores. It wasn't too much later when the farmer heard loud screams and yelling.
He looked over and saw several Highway Department employees running for their lives and right behind was the farmer's huge prize bull. The bull was madder than a hornet's nest and was gaining on the Highway employees at every step.
The old farmer yelled out, "Show him your card, Asshole....!"
A man's small grandson got lost at the shopping mall. The child approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!" The guard asked, "What's his name?" The tyke answered, "Grandpa"
The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?" The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Jack Daniels whiskey, and women with big tits."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One morning, a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says, "Wow that is one ugly baby."
The woman deeply hurt just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asks, "What's wrong you look mad?" She replied, "I am. That bus driver just insulted me."
The man replied, "You shouldn't take that from him. He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take down his badge number and report him.
The woman said, "You're right sir. I think I will report him." The elderly man says, "You go on up there, get his badge number and I'll hold your monkey for you."
Little Johnny's next door neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.
Little Johnny's parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors.
Johnny's father said, "Now, son, that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home." Little Johnny said, "I promise not to mention his ears at all."
At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby." The mother said, "Thank you very much, Johnny."
Then, Johnny said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Just look at his pretty little eyes. Did his doctor say that he can see well?"
The mother said "Why, yes Johnny, his doctor said he has 20/20 vision. Little Johnny said, "Well, that's great, 'cause he sure as hell couldn't wear glasses!!"
That's it for today, my little elves. Remember, God created marriage so death wouldn't come as such a complete disappointment. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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More next week.
