Yeah? Well When I Was A Kid, I Had To........

My father walked six miles a day, barefoot through snow, uphill both ways, to get to school. At least that's what he told me the first time I complained about walking a half mile to school. Years later, my friend, who had recently undergone a colonoscopy, was telling Dad about the pain and pressure that he felt while the camera was in "Neverland". Dad told him that, back in the day, his colonoscopy was done by a sketch artist.

I've always been amused at parent's tales of the old days when someone complains about life today. Stories of how it was when the parent was a child are often a bit exaggerated, yet this age old tradition seems to be handed down from generation to generation.

There is no doubt that things and conditions improve over time and each generation has their own tales of woe. We didn't have a television until I was in the third or fourth grade. There was no telephone in my house until I was in my mid-teens. Air Conditioning? Right, forget it! Not until I got married.

So, what does the children of my generation tell their children? We didn't have remote control on our television? We had to use the encyclopedia or the Library to look up information for school? We had to use our land line phones in our rooms to speak with our friends?

I can't imagine what today's generation will tell their children. Kids today are walking around with a cell phone as young as age nine or ten and have computers at home. Overweight and sassy, it will be interesting to hear how they relate their tales of woe.

Quick Notes: If I would had been on the Delta Airlines plane that made an emergency landing, I would have gotten out of my seat and told the flight attendant to shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Let me die in peace! You sound like my ex-wife! Shut up! Shut up! Geez......!

Talk about irony, the British tycoon who owned the Segway company died after accidentally riding a rugged version of the two-wheeled machine off a cliff and into a river.

Just to let you know - Today I received my 2010 Obama StimulusPackage. It contained two watermelon seeds, cornbread mix, and 10 coupons to KFC. The directions were in Spanish. Hope you get yours soon......

The News As I See It: Forbes has come out with its list of the richest 400 people in America. Number one was Bill Gates. Number two was Tiger Woods' ex-wife.

President Obozo's top economic adviser, Larry Summers, is stepping down. Finally, some good economic news. Summers didn't want to leave, but apparently he was out of bad ideas. Summers is the third Obozo economic adviser to leave the White House since July. In fact, the only jobs opening up these days are for White House economic advisers.

Kia is recalling their logo on their hoods. Not because they injure anyone, it's just that the owners are embarrassed to have it on there.

This Date In History: 1540; Pope Paul III approved the charter for the Society of Jesus (Jesuits), founded by St. Ignatius Loyola. 1939; Warsaw, Poland, was surrendered to the Nazis after weeks of resistance. 1959; Typhoon Vera battered the Japanese island of Honshu, killing almost 5,000 people.

1964; The Warren Commission report concluded that there was no conspiracy in the assassination of President John F. Kennedy, Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. 1998; Mark McGwire hit his record-setting 69th and 70th home runs in the last game of the regular season.

Picture Of The Day: Hey! I'm fishing here! Today's pics don't quite match, but I'm told I'm a bit eclectic and I like deer. Anyway, Scott Nelson and his Sons were fishing Saturday when this small Whitetail fawn approached them on the South fork of the Snake River. It must have spent the summer bumming from campers or maybe one the home owners in the lower canyon was feeding it, so it lost its fear of humans.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If beer and women aren't the answer, then you're asking me the wrong question. 2) When it comes to politics, you have to remember one thing about the will of the people. It wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena. 3) Why are women trying to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Those men already have boyfriends. 4) If God sneezed, what would you say to him? 5) It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Samuel Adams, political leader in the American Revolution, signer of the Declaration of Independence 1722, Cosimo de' Medici. merchant prince 1389, Alfred Thayer Mahan, naval historian 1840, Thomas Nast, caricaturist 1840, Vincent Youmans, composer 1898 Gwyneth Paltrow, actress 1972.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Dorothy and Edna, two senior widows, are talking. Dorothy says, "That nice Jack Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna says, "Well, he arrived my apartment in a fine suit and he brought me beautiful flowers! He took me out in a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. We had a marvelous dinner...lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!"

Edna continued, "Then, we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an animal, completely crazy. He tore off my expensive new dress and had his way with me two times!" Dorothy says, "Goodness gracious! So you're telling me I shouldn't go out with him?" Edna says, "No, I'm just saying wear an old dress."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Sister Jeanne and my pal, Victor, for their contributions to today's post.

A man entered a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful young blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls". The blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" The old man replied, "No, arthritis."

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. She yells,"Where the hell have you been all night?" The guy says, "At this fantastic new bar, The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story and asks, "Is this the Golden Saloon?" A man says, "Yes it is," She says "Do you have huge golden doors and golden floors?" The man says, "We most certainly do." The wife asks, "What about golden urinals?" There's a long pause, then the woman hears the man say, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"

Four guys went fishing and after about an hour, the first guy said, "You guys have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend. The second guy said, "That's nothing! I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool." The third guy remarked, "Man, you both have it easy. I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to fish.

When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?" The fourth guy answered, "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her ass and said, 'Fishing or Sex?' and she said, 'Wear sun-block'."

That's it for today my little cupcakes. Remember, life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !