Jimmy's Journal - Sick Saturday Edition

Sorry about missing you on Friday night but I was really feeling bad (and no, it wasn't because of happy hour). I was fine until Friday afternoon and after a short siesta, I woke up feeling like the north end of a south bound mule. I don't feel quite as bad today as my friend above looks, but I won't be doing any back flips either.

The News As I See It: The White House agreed to move Obama’s speech from Wednesday to Thursday because the Republicans have a debate scheduled for Wednesday. So the debate that no one is going to watch holds more weight than the speech no one is going to believe.

Obama caved again when "Real Housewives of New Jersey" called and said, "Our show is on at that time."

Obama's uncle was arrested on suspicion of drunk driving. Remember when the most embarrassing person in Obama’s life was Joe Biden? How sad is it for the uncle? He got thrown in jail and the only relative he could call for bail money is $14 trillion in debt. Obama's uncle's alcohol level was actually higher than Obama’s approval rating.

The three crew members on the international space station may leave early because a rocket bringing supplies crashed. They have some food left, but it's all in the mini-bar and that's really expensive in space.

A new study found that thin people have an extra copy of certain genes. Meanwhile, fat people have an extra copy of the Denny’s takeout menu.

This Date In History: September 2nd: - 1666; The great fire of London broke out, destroying much of the city, including St. Paul's Cathedral. 1789; The U.S. Treasury Department was established. 1901; Vice President Theodore Roosevelt gave his "speak softly and carry a big stick" speech, regarding foreign policy, at the Minnesota State Fair.

1945; Japan's formal surrender in World War II was celebrated as Victory over Japan (V-J) Day. 1945; Ho Chi Minh declared Vietnam an independent republic. 1963; Alabama governor George Wallace prevented the racial integration of Tuskegee High School by encircling the building with state troopers. 1969; North Vietnamese president Chi Minh died.

September 3rd: 1189; Richard I (the Lion-Hearted) was crowned king of England at Westminster Abbey. 1658; Oliver Cromwell, the lord protector of England, died. 1783; The Treaty of Paris officially ended the Revolutionary War between the United States and Great Britain.

1939; Great Britain and France declared war on Germany during World War II. 1967; Nguyen Van Thieu was elected president of South Vietnam. 1974; Frank Robinson was named the first Black manager in major league baseball.

1976; The unmanned U.S. spacecraft Viking II landed on Mars and took the first pictures of the planet's surface. 1978; Pope John Paul I was installed as the 264th pontiff of the Roman Catholic Church.

Picture Of The Day: I always like these little photoshop pets and try to run pictures of them every once in a while. I also run them because my pal, Paula likes them.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker and he begins to think irrationally. Ever wonder why? It's because she smells like a new golf bag. 2) The Law of Probable Dispersal states that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 3) The one good thing about drinking to excess is that once you've accepted the fact that you're going to fall off the bar stool, you realize you're safe because from there, you can't fall off the floor. 4) I've often wondered how they get deer to cross at that yellow road sign? 5) If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Virgo - September 3rd: Sorry 'bout ya September 2nd, but the author was sick. Most of you made it through ok anyway except for "Hacksaw." Today's Virgo should also have a safe but unmemorable day. Look at it this way, it's better to be safe that worry about that crazy "Hacksaw." By the way, "Hacksaw" will meet his match on Sunday night when Mrs. Hacksaw returns home.

Birthdays: September 2nd: Wilhelm Ostwald, physical chemist 1853, Andrew Grove, engineer, technology executive 1936, Peter V. Ueberroth, businessman 1937, Terry Bradshaw, football quarterback 1948, Christa McAuliffe, teacher 1948, Keanu Reeves, actor 1964, Salma Hayek, actress (and on a personal note, I like to thank her Daddy for a job well done!) 1966.

September 3rd: Mark Hopkins, merchant, railroad developer 1814, Sarah Orne Jewett, novelist/writer 1849, Louis Sullivan, Architect 1856, Edward Albert Filene, merchant 1860, Charles Hamilton Houston, lawyer 1895, Loren Eiseley, anthropologist 1907, Alan Ladd, actor 1913.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Old Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, old Joe replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; Your hair, eighteen; And your figure, twenty five." She gushed, "Oh, you flatterer!" Joe said. "Hey, wait a minute! I haven't added them up yet."

A foursome of guys is waiting at the mens' tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those f*cking lessons I took over the winter didn't help." One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it! You should have taken golf lessons instead!" (He never even had a chance to duck.)

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, "I don't belong here, I should be in third grade!" The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please take his seat. Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, "I don't belong here, I should be in the third grade!" Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry's problem.

The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of. The teacher suggested they try some biology questions.

The teacher sked, "What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2? Larry immediately replied, "Legs!" The teacher asked, "What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?" Larry replied, "Pockets!" The teacher looked at the principal, who said, "Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!"

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School. So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there. One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?" The janitor said, "Sure."

He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play." When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?" The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you. We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water. We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle you."

The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water!" The oldest one said, "Yeah!" The littlest one asked, "What do you think that means?" The oldest boy replied, "I think it means we're Pisscopalians."

That's it for today my little tinker toys. Remember, if you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !