Clean Your PC Dot Com Scams

The newest scam is dot-com companies like MyCleanPC, MaxMySpeed, PCMatic, KissMyGritsAndI'llWaxYourPC and variations of the same. All are free (right) and you can be sure there's either a catch or they sell your information to other companies.

Most computers come with security systems like McAfee, Norton or any other respected company. Most computers will speed up If you clear your memory, delete your cookies and erase you browser history. After doing this, if your computer is still slow, you need to add an external hard drive, add more ram or upgrade your computer.

The other scam still vieing to screw you (other than the infamous thieves "Cash4Gold") is any variation of Free Credit Score dot com. You are allowed by law to get free credit information once a year from all three credit report companies. The free credit score dot com companies charge you monthly for mere crappola.

The News As I See It:

Dick Cheney's new memoir contains some startling surprises. For example, he is still alive.

The earthquake last week caused cracks in the Washington Monument. Experts say it’s the biggest crack problem in D.C. since Marion Barry.

People on the East Coast are cleaning up after Hurricane Irene and on the West Coast, the’re cleaning up after the Video Music Awards. VMA may stand for "Video Music Awards," but I feel like it stands for "Vulgar-Mouthed Adolescents."

Hurricane Irene dumped so much rain in New York that a lot of the cabbies had their first shower in years.

They found a photo album of pictures of Condoleeza Rice among the items in Moammar Gadhafi's home. I'm thinking, "Hey, who doesn't?"

This Date In History: 1887; Thomas Edison received a patent for his "Kinetoscope," and moving pictures were born. 1888; Mary Ann Nicholls, considered to be Jack the Ripper's first victim, was found murdered in London. 1962; Trinidad and Tobago gained independence from Great Britain.

1980; Poland's Solidarity labor movement had its beginnings when an agreement ending a 17-day strike was signed in Gdansk. 1994; Russia officially ended its military presence in the former East Germany and the Baltic states. 1997; Princess Diana and her companion Dodi al-Fayed were killed in a car accident in Paris.

Picture Of The Day: I always follow the national weather reports. They often pique my interest as do the pictures from the photoshop gang. I've also added some landscapes that I admired for your dining and dancing pleasure.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I tried out one of those Tempur-Pedic mattresses. The salesgirl asked me if I had ever slept on one before and I said yes. She asked me what my sleep position was and I said, "Normally, it's missionary." 2) The drivers-education class in my high school only used the car only on Monday, Wednesday and Friday because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class used it. 3) Being dyslexic has its drawbacks. I once went to a toga party dressed as a goat. 4) Always remember to proofread carefully to see if you any words out. 5) My ex-wife always made sure to include something every day from the four basic food groups: canned, frozen, fast and takeout.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Virgo - August 31st: It's hump day but remember not to take the phrase literally. Dark blue will be a good color for you today unless you're going to an Italian restaurant. Take your vitamins and drink a lot of water because you may be in for a long night. Here's where it gets a little murky as I can't ascertain whether "long night" means getting lucky or incarceration.

Birthdays: My pal Pat in the U.K. - Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, Georg Jensen, silversmith 1866, Maria Montessori, Italian educator and physician 1879, Wilhelmina, queen 1880, Alan Jay Lerner, lyricist and librettist 1918, Itzhak Perlman, concert violinist 1945, Van Morrison, singer, songwriter 1945 Richard Gere, actor 1949.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill:

Why Old Men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns:

Dear John,

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter!

I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for the past six months. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. I hope this helps.

John

As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goats milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. She explained, "These are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?" A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

A lady is golfing with some friends. After sinking her first putt, she's on her way down the path to the second tee when she gets stung by a bee. She rushes the short distance back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor.

She bumps into the resident golf pro, who says "What can I help you with?" The woman tells him she's been stung by a bee. The pro asks, "Oh really, where?" The lady replies, "Between the first and second hole." To that the golf pro states, "Well, first of all, your stance to way too wide!"

Three members of a golf club were arguing loudly while the fourth member of their group lay dead in a bunker. A club official was called to calm the row. The official asked, "What's the trouble here?" One of the men replied, "My partner has had a stroke and these two bastards want to add it to my score."

That's it for today my little dandelions. Remember, short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one? Time for happy hour at AREA 51. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !