Friday The 13th Warning - Never Trust A Naked Bus Driver

I'm not superstitious (knock on wood), but today is Friday the 13th. While the fear of Friday the 13th is often referred as Triskaidekaphobia (which is fear of the number 13), the correct word is Paraskevidekatriaphobia (Fear of Friday the 13th). I occasionally have Stultophobia, which is fear of stupid people who invent phobias. Stultophobia is also known as Dumbassophobia.

One thing for sure, Friday the 13th wasn't a good day for Joran van der Sloot, who was sentenced today to 28 years in a Peruvian prison for the murder of Stephany Flores in a hotel. Van der Sloot, the only Natalee Holloway suspect, learned his fate today in front of a three woman panel of judges. It couldn't happen to a nicer guy.

Obama formally notified Congress that he plans a 1.2 trillion dollars increase in the U.S, debt limit, two weeks after he had postponed the request to give lawmakers more time to consider the action.

The News As I See It: Obama met with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in the Oval Office this week. There was an odd moment when they tried to adopt Obama. After they left, Obama checked the White House to make sure Sasha and Malia were still there.

Everyone is talking about the voice-control TV. It's TV that you control with your voice instead of the back-breaking work of pressing buttons on the remote. I'm not sure it works. When I yelled "Crap!" during a football game, the TV put on "Jersey Shore."

During last Saturday night's Republican debate, Jon Huntsman spoke Chinese. Chinese? Are you kidding me? If you want to reach the American people, you’ve got to speak Spanish.

The difference between Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry and Tim Tebow is that when God tells Tim Tebow to run, he wins.

Rapper Snoop Dogg was arrested after drug-sniffing dogs smelled marijuana on his tour bus in Texas. There must have been a lot of pot on the bus because the drug-sniffing dogs were in Maine at the time.

Salt Lake City was voted the gayest city in America, to which San Francisco said, "What do we have to do?"

Mesothelioma is a horrible disease but evidently, there is hope. Doug has been on TV now for 15 years warning about the condition.

This Date In History: 1898; French writer Emile Zola published his "J'Accuse" letter, accusing the French of a cover-up in the Alfred Dreyfus treason case. 1941; Novelist James Joyce died in Zurich. 1990; Douglas Wilder of Virginia became the first elected African-American governor in the United States.

1999; Michael Jordan announced his second retirement from the NBA. He would "unretire" again in 2001. 2002; After 17,162 performances, The Fantasticks ended its almost 42-year off-Broadway run.

Picture Of The Day: The odds and ends of things associated with today's date.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When I was six years old, I played "doctor" with the girl next door. I am still a practicing physician. 2) People who complain about the way the ball bounces are usually the ones that dropped it. 3) The movie, "The Men Who Stare at Goats?" is rated "R" in the U.S., but in the Middle East it's rated "X" for nudity. 4) Horseshoes usually bring good luck today, but never trust a horse that wears high heels, 5) On Friday the 13th in 1966, a white Detroit sociologist, who had just demonstrated his lack of fear by walking under 13 ladders and throwing a black cat through a mirror, was run over by a black rapper.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - January 13th: I'm not going to blow smoke where the sun doesn't shine, but today is Friday the 13th. That fact aside, you'll have a good day assuming you avoid the usual pitfalls associated with today's date. Chances of romance are high, but why take a chance? Just bear in mind that lightning can't find you if you hold really still. Remember, never pick up a stray $100 bill unless Ben Franklin is facing up. On second thought, grab it! I think that adage applies to postage stamps.

Birthdays: Jan van Goyen, landscape painter 1596, Salmon P. Chase, public official and jurist 1808, Horatio Alger, American writer 1832, Elmer Davis, radio commentator 1890, Gwen Verdon, dancer, actor 1925, Charles Nelson Reilly, actor, theater director 1931, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, actress 1961, Patrick Dempsey, actor 1966, Orlando Bloom, actor 1977.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Ray-Ray shows up at the bar all out of breath so Dewey asks him, "What the hell is wrong with you?" Ray-Ray says "I've been running from the cops but I finally lost them." Dewey then asked "What the hell did you do?"

Ray-Ray replied, "I was pissing in the shower and the cops showed up to arrest me!" Dewey said, "That's not against the law." Ray-Ray replied, "That's what I thought, but those guys at Home Depot sure must of thought it was!"

Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex. The first old lady said she enjoyed sex all the time, and just as much as ever. The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was.

The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom, he gets turned on and has his way with her.

The second old lady decides to try this approach so that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. Her husband comes into the bedroom takes one look and says, "For God's sake Maude, comb your hair and put your teeth in."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Garnett for his contribution to today's stories.

A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when, all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "Bark!" and the cat runs away. The mother mouse to her baby, "See how important it is for you to learn a foreign language?"

A man was walking through a cemetery one dark and stormy night. As he got well into the cemetery, he heard a voice say, "Mark! Mark!". Pretending not to let it bother him, he pulled his coat a little tighter and kept walking. Again the voice said, "Mark! Mark!".

That did it. He took off full speed and didn't stop till he was well outside the gates. As he stopped to catch his breath, the moon broke through the clouds enough so he could see what had been following him. It was a dog with a hare lip.......Mark!

Dear Abby,

My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says he pays the minimum and lets our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest.

He has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more.

To make everything worse, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics, next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ and the next he's with Muslims. Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy! Can you help?

Signed,
Lost

Dear Lost,

Stop whining, Michelle. You're getting to live in the White House for free, travel the world, and have others pay for everything for you. You can divorce the asshole any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with him until November!

Signed,
Abby

That's it for today my little twiddly winks. Remember, today is Friday the 13th. If you feel a chill up your spine and your phone rings twice, it's a telemarketer. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !