Welcome to McDonalds - How Can I Screw Up Your Order?

I decided to skip cooking breakfast this morning and take a run to McDonalds for a change of pace. In theory, you park, go inside, pick a numbered picture and make your order. The mornings are the best time to go to McDonalds, because all the lovely little children have not yet come out of their sugar comas and are not running rampant throughout the store.

A lovely young lass said, "Welcome to McDonalds. May I take your order? So far, so good. I asked for a numbered picture and added, "Could you make the coffee Decaf?" A panic stricken look came over the young lady, but when she turned towards the coffee area, she espied the familiar coffee pot with the distinct orange band. Instantly, self confidence took over and she said, "Sure". When she returned with the order, I was prepared, exact change in hand.

Having been to McDonalds before, I immediately looked into the bag to make sure everything was there. The young lady said, "That will be $2.49, Sir." I looked at my hand and it contained $2.19, the amount on the "picture". I said, "The sign says $2.19" The young lady said, "That's if you get a small coffee, I gave you a medium coffee." My memories of McDonalds began to kick in.

I said, "Young lady, I didn't ask for a specific size, I ordered number X (I don't remember the damned number,) and whatever it comes with, sizes included." She said, "But, I gave you a medium." Now, my McDonald memories have come back completely and I have seen this horror movie before. I said, "Look, sweetie, you can come back with a box of Kentucky Fried Chicken if you like, as long as the breakfast I ordered is in the same bag and the price matches the picture."

She turned to look for her manager (who was around 20 years old). He asked what the problem was and I explained it to him. He said, "Well, she gave you a medium coffee." I said, "You see that picture that says $2.19" He answered, "Yes." I said, "It says it comes with coffee." He said, "Right, a small coffee." I said, "That's what I ordered."

He said, "Well, we'll have to replace the medium with a small coffee." I said, "You mean so like when someone orders a number 2, you'll bring them what is represented in the picture." He said, "Right." They exchanged the coffee, I paid for my order and asked him, "Have you ever heard of "Abbott and Costello." He said, "I think they work the night shift........"

One of my pet peeves is when I hear one more media person say, "The ruling was 'squashed", I think I'll flip out ! I don't expect everyone to speak the King's English but those media types, who supposedly have a command of the spoken and printed word, along with writers and directors to aid them (not to mention teleprompters), should be able to pick this up. The word is "Quashed", not squashed ! God forbid if they ever needed to quell the rumors that farmers were illegally growing squash had been quashed !

The News As I See It: Gasoline may soon be $6 a gallon. The good news is the White House says Obama is aware of the problem and will continue to talk about it between fundraisers. Obama today released his NCAA bracket. He is a huge basketball fan. But privately, White House aides are worried that if he spends so much time on this, it could affect his golf game.

Happy birthday to Mitt Romney, he’s 65 years old. At his party, he didn't blow out the candles. He gave a speech and the candles just flickered and died. Romney's birthday is not a big deal here. But in the Cayman Islands, it's a national holiday.

What time we save on daylight-saving-time is offset by the 45 minutes it takes me to figure out how to reset the clock on the microwave. I don't condone jumping ahead in time in any form, unless it involves a DeLorean, stolen plutonium, and a soundtrack by Huey Lewis.

Larry King announced he'll be hosting a new daily talk show online. Really, the only place Larry should be online is for the early bird special at Golden Corral.

This Date In History: 1743; The first town meeting was held in Boston, Massachusetts, at Faneuil Hall. 1794; The cotton gin was patented by Eli Whitney. 1939; The Republic of Czechoslovakia was dissolved, soon to be occupied by the Nazis. 1950; The FBI’s "Ten Most Wanted Fugitives" list made its debut.

1958; Perry Como's single "Catch a Falling Star" became the first RIAA gold record. 1964; Jack Ruby was found guilty of the murder of Lee Harvey Oswald, alleged assassin of President John F. Kennedy. 1990; The Soviet Congress voted Mikhail Gorbachev into the newly-created and powerful position of president.

Picture Of The Day: This picture has nothing to do with today's entry. I just liked it, so here it is.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Scotsmen wear kilts because sheep can hear zippers. 2) Don't count your chickens and don't blame my cat. He has an airtight alibi. 3) The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again. 4) Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. 5) I went to a bar last week that had a black light and everybody looked cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 14th: Temperatures will rise today as you find yourself locked in a closet with a close friend who just ate beans. Love comes when you least expect it, but it won't be with the bean eater. Chance of romance is 23.98 percent but will be higher if the ill winds from the bean eater blow in the opposite direction. 67.23 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Birthdays: Georg Telemann, composer 1681, Giovanni Schiaparelli, astronomer 1835, Paul Ehrlich, bacteriologist 1854, Casey Jones, railroad engineer 1864, Albert Einstein, American theoretical physicist, known for the formulation of the relativity theory 1879, Diane Arbus, photographer 1923, Quincy Jones, composer 1933, Michael Caine, actor 1933, Billy Crystal, actor, comedian, writer 1947.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A woman is having a bed wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room. When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror. She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror. After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed.

The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her. He tells her that she needs to quit drinking water before she goes to bed. The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head. He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."

An older couple met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink.

Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....

Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler." Maude was thinking: "If I'd known the old buzzard could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung out the wash to dry and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning. She mused to herself as she walked down Main Street, "Gootness, it's hotter dan hell today." She passed a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?"

So she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender walked up and asked her what she would like to drink. Helga said in a timid voice, "You know, I don't usually go into bars, but today I vill make an exception. It is zo hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer."

The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?" Helga blushed and timidly replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yur viener?"

A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is.

The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead.

The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment". The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.

No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants. His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face. She says "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"

With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

That's it for today, my little bean sprouts, Remember, an ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated which is kinda funny 'cause so does my Uncle. It's Hump Day and a damned good reason to head over to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !