We're In The Money !

Facebook stock opened today on the Wall Street Stock Market at $38.00 a share and closed at $38.23 - I'm well on my way to financial freedom. I own 100 shares of faux stock in the company and I'm trying to become friends with people that own the stock, so I can get a loan.

I bought Facebook shares because the site was perfect for looking at pictures of my friends, their children and pets, and learning what kind of sandwich they had for lunch. I thought, "Now there's a sound investment."

I also bought their stock because Facebook is building a new cell phone. It's pretty good, except you can only use it to call people you barely remember from high school. It even has an app for a final status update for you when you die, which makes provisions for people to water your Farmville crops.

I considered moving to Singapore like Facebook co-founder Eduardo Saverin, but after considering the cost of moving and plane fare, I realized that I'd have to live to be 105-years-old to make any profit. So, I'll stay in America and pay Uncle Sam any profits I make on my newest investment. I let you know how I'm doing from timeline to timeline.....

The News As I See It: CNN's ratings hit a 15-year low this week. In fact, things are so bad at CNN, Wolf Blitzer started renting out "The Situation Room" for birthday parties.

A Republican official says that Mitt Romney should pick an incredibly boring white guy as running mate. When he heard that, Joe O'Biden said, "Thanks, I've already got a gig." Georgie "Dubya" Bush said that he wasn't interested either.

Scientists at NASA say the asteroids are dangerously aligned with the earth's orbit and are large enough to enter our atmosphere without breaking apart. But they also say we shouldn't panic. You know, if you didn't want us to panic, maybe you shouldn't have put out a press release saying there were 4,700 asteroids hurtling toward the earth.

Newsweek magazine has Obama on the cover this week, calling him the first gay president. Actually, that's not true. Historians say that James Buchanan was probably our first gay president. He was a bachelor, he lived for 15 years with an Alabama senator and it's rumored that he had a brief, but flaming, affair with Liza Minnelli. No word yet if he was a member of the cast of "Glee."

Florida's board of education has decided to lower the passing grade on standardized tests after noticing a drastic drop in student passing scores. In other words, if the students don't do well enough on the tests, they don't teach them better, they just lower the bar. Why didn't we think of this before? Just imagine, we could have so many more doctors and lawyers, and fewer basketball and football players."

Ron Paul has announced he's no longer campaigning. He's dropped out of the race. Can you tell the difference?

Obama released his financial disclosure statement. It turns out he is now worth over $10 million. So at least somebody is doing well in this economy.

The Justice Department has launched a probe into JPMorgan's $2.3 billion loss. I believe it's called "Operation wink, nod, and look the other way."

Obama is calling for more government reform after JPMorgan's $2 billion loss. Really? Is that what we need - the government stepping in? You know what's going to happen? The government's going to teach them how to lose $2 billion a day!

This Date In History: 1642; The city of Montreal was founded by the French. 1804; Napoleon Bonaparte was proclaimed Emperor of France by the French Senate. 1896; The Supreme Court affirmed racial segregation in Plessy v. Ferguson as "separate but equal."

1920; Pope John Paul II was born near Krakow, Poland. 1953; Jacqueline Cochran became the first woman to fly faster than the speed of sound. 1974; India became the 6th country to become a nuclear power.

1980; Mount St. Helens, in Washington state, erupted after being dormant for 123 years. 1994; Israeli troops withdrew from the Gaza strip after three decades of occupation and Palestinians took over.

2000; A bill was finally passed that removed the Confederate flag from the South Carolina statehouse. 2003; President Megawati Sukarnoputri of Indonesia declared martial law and sent 30,000 troops into Aceh.

2004; Randy Johnson, age 40, became the oldest pitcher to throw a perfect game. 2004; Sonia Gandhi stunned her party, the Indian National Congress, by refusing to accept the prime ministership of India.

Picture Of The Day: The White House's new habit of adding glorified footnotes to presidential biographies seems to be expanding.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A cop pulled me over in Miami and said, "Papers!" I said, "Scissors, I win", and drove away....ok, maybe not. 2) Have you noticed the strange thing about men who hang out in bars a lot? It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there. They have no wife to go home to...or they do. 3) An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

4) Sometimes I wonder what happens to the bass I catch and release. Do they go home and hear Mrs Bass say, "Where were you?" and he says, "I got caught!" Then, she says, "I don't believe you, let me see the inside of your lip." 5) Pepperidge Farm makes fancy bread. It's wrapped twice. You open it and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and my toast.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 18th: This day is going to be a great one. You may find yourself in a strange place but go with it. Today is not the day to play the lottery but tomorrow looks good. Chance of romance is 57.00 percent. If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. Then you can say, "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!"

Birthdays: My son, Kevin and one of my best friends, Joe - Happy Birthday guys! 19XX, Omar Khayyam, poet and mathematician 1048, Bertrand Russell, philospher 1872 Walter Gropius, architect 1883, Ezio Pinza, singer 1892 Margot Fonteyn, ballerina 1919, John Paul II, pope (1978–2005) 1920,  Reggie Jackson, baseball player 1946, Chow Yun-Fat, actor 1955.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and it's always silent. As a matter of fact I've passed gas at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was passing gas because it doesn't smell and it's silent." The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back and says, "Doctor, I don't know what you gave me, but now my passing gas, although still silent, smells terribly." The doctor says, "Ok, now that we've cleared up your sinuses, we'll start to work on your hearing."

A mother of five decides to get plastic surgery on her privates so her husband can enjoy the snugness she had in her youth. So, she heads off to the doctor for the procedure. Once the procedure is done, she wakes up to find three roses on her bed and asks the nurse who sent them.

The nurse says, "The doctor wanted you to know he appreciates the business, so he left you a rose. Then your husband came in with a rose, stating that he can't wait to feel the results of the surgery, so he left a rose, too."

The woman asks, "What about the third rose?" The nurse says, "Oh, that's from Ed in the burn unit. He wanted to say thanks for the new ears."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: I saw a product that was on TV that was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like to see a product that was available for three easy payments of $20.00 and one complicated payment $19.80. They don't tell you which payment it is, but one of the payments is going to be hard. The mailman will get shot at, the envelope will not seal and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination, with postage due. The final payment must be made in war bonds.

I bought a doughnut at Dunkin' Donuts and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you the money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, "Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here. Oh, wait. It's in my file at home, under 'D'".

My friend and I went to a restaurant for lunch and I ordered a club sandwich, but I'm not even a member. I said to my friend, "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." He said, "Well, so do I!" I told him, "Then, let's form a club." He answered, "OK, but we need some more stipulations. Instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again. Yes, four triangles, arranged in a circle and in the middle, we will dump potato chips." I said, "How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" He replied, "I'm for 'em!" I said, "Well, this club is formed!"

That's it for today, my little bunny rabbits. Remember one thing about Reese's candy bar. There's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. The next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar and a guy named Reese comes by and says, "Gimme that", you better hand it over. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !