Can't Get Through To Obamacare? Call 1-800 Bite Me !

Barry Obama gave a news conference this morning hawking the virtues of Obamacare. It reminded me of the Sham Wow commercial except that "Vince" wasn't the hawker...it was Barry. The event had the feeling of a health care pep rally, with guests in the Rose Garden applauding every breath Obama took as he explained what the White House sees as benefits of the law.

No mention of the cost of the web site (a reported $325 million) nor a reason why the roll out wasn't successful after knowing about it for three years.

Obama said there was "no excuse" for the cascade of computer problems that have marred the roll out of key elements in his health care law, but declared he was confident the administration would be able to fix the issues.

The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, which oversaw development of the site, declined to make any of its IT experts available for interviews. CGI Group Inc, the Canadian contractor that built HealthCare.gov, is "declining to comment at this time."

Five outside technology experts interviewed by Reuters, however, say they believe flaws in system architecture, not traffic alone, contributed to the problems.

Kathleen Sebelius, the Secretary of Health and Human Services, although having time for an appearance on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, has had no comment thus far.

Sebelius will not testify at a congressional hearing Thursday into breakdowns in the roll out of the federal Affordable Care Act, drawing more heat from House Republicans. An HHS official confirmed Saturday that the secretary would not attend, citing a conflict in her schedule, but she'll be facing Congress in the coming days.

The News As I See It: The government shutdown is finally over, and it's safe to say it accomplished absolutely nothing. Well, maybe not nothing. It was great for comedy.

Scientists indicate that Oreo cookies are the most addictive snack in the world. That's how scientists are spending our scientific dollars — nothing on cancer yet, but Oreo cookies are the most addictive snack. If you get addicted to Oreo cookies, you don't go to Betty Ford. You go to Betty Crocker.

Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger, the two biggest Hollywood tough guys (of 1988) have an action movie opening. They're a little older now but go see the movie. It's called "Escape From Assisted Living." I'm kidding, it's called "Escape Plan" and hopefully, it has subtitles.

This Date In History: 1797; The navy frigate U.S. Constitution, known as "Old Ironsides," was launched in Boston Harbor. 1805; Admiral Horatio Nelson died in the Battle of Trafalgar.

1837; Seminole chief Osceola was captured as he carried a white flag of truce during the Second Seminole War. 1879; Thomas Edison invented a workable incandescent electric lamp.

1959; The Solomon R. Guggenheim Museum of modern and contemporary art, designed by architect Frank Lloyd Wright, opened to the public in New York City.

Picture Of The Day: The peace and serenity of a waterfall. One of my favorites.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don't know them and they don't know that we're sharing. 2) I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost mom in a corn maze. 3) If anyone is interested, I'll be signing books tonight at Barnes and Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security. 4) Poetry would be a lot harder if violets were orange. 5) My father once told me: "Son, you should never lie. One lie begets another lie, then another lie, and before you know it, you're either a lawyer or a politician.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 21st: Life can be as romantic as you wish to make it. Like the old saying goes, a man with three fish has enough in his heart to help him build a picnic chair. You think I made that up, don't you? I work my fingers to the bone looking for old sayings and reading the stars and this is the thanks I get? That's it! No soup for you!!!! 

Birthdays: Samuel Taylor Coleridge, poet 1772, Alfred Nobel, Swedish chemist and inventor 1833, Dizzy Gillespie, musician 1917, Celia Cruz, singer 1925, Ursula K. Le Guin, writer 1929, Benjamin Netanyahu, Israeli political leader 1949, Carrie Fisher, actress 1956.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic, "It just died." After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

The blonde says, "So, what's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

Michele Obama and Oprah Winfrey were having one of those girl-to-girl talks. Michele says to Oprah, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Barry and there is no telling where he last had his pecker."

Oprah responded, "Just because I am aesthetically challenged (politically correct for "fat and ugly") doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances." Michele asks, "Well, how do you deal with the problem?" Oprah said, "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart I can."

That night, Barry was already in bed with the lights out when Michele headed to bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her gas all day and was ready for him. She tensed up her ass and forced out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine. Barry rolls over and asks, "That you, Oprah?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Harry did like he always did every evening. He kissed his wife, crawled into bed and went to sleep. All of a sudden, he woke up and saw an elderly man dressed in a robe standing in front of his bed.

He asked, "What are you doing in my bedroom? Who are you?" The man replied, "This is not your bedroom. I am St. Peter and you are in heaven." Harry cried out, "What? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die, I'm too young. If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."

St. Peter said, "It's not that easy. You can only return as a dog or a hen. You'll have to choose on your own." Harry thought about it for a while and figured out that being a dog is too tiring and that a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad, he thought. Harry said, "I want to return as a hen."

And in the next second, he found himself on a chicken farm and nicely feathered. But now "he" felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came a rooster, who said, "Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm. How does it feel being a hen?"

Harry replied, "Well, it's ok I guess, but I feel like my rear end is blowing up." The rooster said,  "Oh, that. That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before?" Harry said, "No, how do I do that?" The rooster said, "Cluck twice and then you push all you can."

Harry clucked twice and pushed with all his might and then "plop" and a egg was on the ground. Harry said, "Wow! That feels much better!" So he clucked again, squeezed and sure enough there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout, "Harry! Wake up. You're shitting all over the bed!"

A blonde was flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. Frantically, she calls out a May Day. "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

The blonde says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat." The voice on the radio says, "Okay, repeat after me: Our Father Who are in Heaven….”

That's it for today, my little sugar plums. Remember, if your wife or girlfriend says that she wants to make a sex movie, do not suggest that auditions be held for her part.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !