Dale Jr Wins At Talladega - American Pharoah Wins The Derby

If you've never seen what we Southerners refer to as a "Shit-Eating Grin", take a look at Dale Earnhardt Jr's face after winning the Talladega 500 on Sunday afternoon. Earnhardt fought off overheating and a freight train of cars behind him to score a hugely popular and emotional victory.

After taking the lead on Lap 162 of the 188-lap race, Earnhardt held off his teammate Jimmie Johnson to win, with Paul Menard third, Ryan Blaney fourth and Martin Truex Jr. fifth.

The victory was Earnhardt's sixth at the mammoth 2.66-mile superspeedway but his first since October 2004. And it was the 24th triumph of his career in 551 Sprint Cup starts. It was also his first with new crew chief Greg Ives.

It was an emotional victory for Earnhardt. His late father won the final race of his career here in October 2000 and should have turned 64 on Wednesday.

In Victory Lane, Earnhardt Jr. fought back tears. "I haven't won here in a long time," Earnhardt said. "It was my daddy's birthday a couple of days ago … just real emotional, man. I've been -- everything's just so good for me right now. In my personal life and racing, the team I'm with. I don't know why. I don't feel like I deserve it, but I just feel overcome with a lot of emotion."

American Pharoah won the Kentucky Derby on Saturday edging Firing Line and and Dortmund. Dortmund set a leisurely pace with Firing Line tracking him closely in second. American Pharoah sat comfortably in third down the backstretch.

That trio made it a three-horse race in the stretch, with none of the closers able to make up ground. American Pharoah angled outside and fought off a persistent Firing Line as Dortmund tired along the rail, his six-race winning streak about to end. Jockey Victor Espinoza won his second consecutive Derby aboard American Pharoah, one year after being aboard California Chrome in the Derby.

In other weekend news: It was discovered that Secretary of State John Kerry is really a closet Republican and was caught fraternizing with a group of them. Obama was mortified and Al Sharpton's only comment was "Mother f**ker". Of course, Al has a limited vocabulary anyway once you edit out the words "ax" and "you know."

The News As I See It: Churchill Downs, which hosted the Kentucky Derby, banned the use of selfie sticks this year. Officials said that if you want to block someone’s view of the race, just do what everyone else does and wear an insanely giant hat.

As you might have expected, there was a lot of trash-talking leading up to the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight. Pacquiao's trainer Freddie Roach said that he thought Mayweather wouldn't even show up. When asked why, Roach said, "He only clicked 'Maybe' on the Facebook invite."

This Date In History: 1626; Peter Minuit landed in Manhattan, which he later bought for $24 worth of cloth and brass buttons. 1886; The Haymarket Square riot broke out as a result of a labor demonstration.

1932; Public Enemy Number One, Al Capone, was jailed for tax evasion. 1959; The first Grammy Awards were held. 1961; Civil rights activists, called "freedom riders," left Washington, DC for New Orleans.

1970; Four Kent State University students were shot down by National Guard members during an anti-Vietnam War demonstration.

1998; The Unabomber, Ted Kaczynski, was sentenced to four life terms plus 30 years for his series of bombings that killed three and injured 23.

Picture Of The Day: One would hope that the story went on to say that Bruce Jenner made a donation of basketballs to inner city youths in Obama's home town of Chicago, but alas that is not the case......

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My friend's teenage kid said he wanted to go to JFK for some fried chicken. He won't be majoring in history but it's nice to know he is scouting out his career options.  2) I just saw a donkey crossing the road. The cool thing was he looked both ways before crossing. What a smart ass. 3) Women are like campfires. Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart and none of them like it if you pee on them.....mostly. 4) In 5th grade, during biology, my teacher asked me, "What is in cells?" I said my Uncle Ernie and Cousin Frank and she made me go home. 5) My grocery list is just a written prayer saying, "Lord, please let make me run into anyone I know dressed like this.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 4th: Teepees are a saucy place to hide out and make love. That should make your wig warm.

Birthdays: Jean Paul Marat, revolutionary 1743, Queen Victoria (Alexandrina Victoria), queen of Great Britain and Ireland (1837–1901) and empress of India (1876–1901) 1819, Lillian Gilbreth, engineer 1878, Mikhail Aleksandrovich Sholokhov, novelist 1905, Bob Dylan singer 1941.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The bellboy, after setting out an elaborate dinner for two asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?" The gentleman replied, "No thank you, that will be all."

As the bellboy turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. He asked, "Anything for your wife?" The man thought, then said, "Yes, that's a good idea. Please bring me up a postcard."

After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbors boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear, dragged him to his house and confronted his mother.

The boy's mother said, "It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age." The girl's mother yelled, "Sexuality my ass! He took out her appendix!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man is sitting at home and a police officer knocks on his door. The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, "Yes I am." He then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. The man says, "Sure hold on a second."

The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice, says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train." The man says, "I know, but she has a great personality and a good cook."

A doctor always stopped at a local bar after work for a hazelnut daiquiri, a special drink the bartender created just for him. One day, the bartender ran out of hazelnut flavor so he substituted hickory nuts instead.

The doctor took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" The bartender replied, "No, I'm sorry, it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

That's it for today, my little pickle packers. Remember, any spouse can be a trophy spouse if you take them to a Taxidermist.

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More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !