Movie Theaters Are Going To The Dogs

I don't go to movie theaters because they're nasty, sell over-priced crap and are full of morons who do not understand that the actors cannot hear you when you talk to them on the movie screen. The lack of decent movies is also disconcerting.

Back in the day, the theaters seemed to be cleaner and people who made too much noise were politely escorted out of the theater. It's been a while, but I can remember being able to get a hot dog, a soft drink and popcorn for under $2.00.

As a kid, the movies were a treat and since there were only two theaters within bicycling distance, we rarely checked to see what was playing. It was an all day affair complete with the Movietone news, cartoons, the weekly serial and the current movie.

It was as an adult that my movie going desires waned. The caliber of people changed and manners went out the window. The advent of cable and rental movies only gave me more the reason not to go.

If I were to return to going to the movies, I would make some changes in pricing which I believe would enhance everyone's viewing pleasure.

My suggested movie theater prices are: Adults - $10, Teenagers - $50, Under 12 - $ 6 and Under 3 - $249.00. The teenage price would change when it's a moronic movie with an implausible plot, impossible explosions and crash scenes and zombies. In that case, the entrance price would be free because few adults attend and it keeps the little morons off the streets.

The News As I See It: Hillary Clinton's younger brother, Tony, is facing criticism for using the Clintons’ political connections to help his career. So on the down side, she has a sketchy brother named Tony. On the up side, she just locked up every vote in New Jersey. It turns out Hillary's brother could damage her campaign. But then Jeb Bush said, "I think we all get a pass on who our brothers are."

They’re making a movie about Barack and Michelle Obama’s first date, called "Southside With You." The producers say they’ve already cast someone to play young Obama. They're just waiting for him to get out of a Chicago prison.

The White House is weighing in on the deflate-gate scandal. This week they encouraged Tom Brady to "be mindful of the way he serves as a role model." Then Obama put out his cigarette and went golfing at noon. Obama would’ve said more, but there was a drunken Secret Service agent streaking across the Rose Garden.

Kim Jong Un reportedly had his defense chief executed after he fell asleep during a meeting. Not only did they execute him, they shot him with an anti-aircraft gun. I'd like to see Kim Jong Un be hired to become a judge on "American Idol." Kim Jong Un is lie "Catch-22". If you close your eyes, you get shot for nodding off. If you open them, you get shot for laughing at his haircut.

This Date In History: 1862; The U.S. Department of Agriculture was created by an act of Congress on this day. 1911; The Standard Oil Company, headed by John D. Rockefeller, was ordered dissolved by the Supreme Court, under the Sherman Antitrust Act.

1918; The first air mail route in the U.S. was established between New York and Washington, DC, with a stop at Philadelphia. 1930; On a Boeing Air Transport flight between Oakland and Chicago, Ellen Church became the first airline stewardess.

1940; Nylon stockings went on sale for the first time in the United States. 1972; Alabama Governor George Wallace was shot and crippled as he campaigned for the presidency. 1988; The Soviet Union began to withdraw its estimated 115,000 troops from Afghanistan.

Picture Of The Day: The movie theaters of yore were fun and family oriented.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it's a Chinese product that's lasted more than a month. 2) My cat Samantha ate a bunch of Scrabble tiles and now I gotta follow her around the house because it's her turn. 3) When I see a young guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he's homeless or just tired from break dancing. 4) My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don't really like any of them. 5) I think that the "till death do us part" of wedding vows should be reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served ..... and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 15th: Don't embarrass yourself this week when the dentist puts that paper bib on you. They will not bring you lobster. You will have a lucky weekend. Remember, serendipity is looking in a haystack for a needle and discovering the farmer's daughter.

Birthdays: Claudio Monteverdi, composer 1567, Lyman Frank Baum, author 1856, Pierre Curie, French Scientist  1859, Katherine Anne Porter, author 1890, Richard Joseph Daley, political leader 1902, James Mason, actor 1909, Paul A. Samuelson, economist 1915, Richard Avedon, photographer 1923, Jasper Johns, artist 1930, Madeleine Albright, government official 1937.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. She said to the doctor. "It's terrible, I haven't moved my bowels in more than a week." The doctor said, "I see. Have you done anything about it?"

Aunt Cora replied, "Yes, I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night." The doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?" Aunt Cora replied, "Of course! I take a magazine."

A man is waiting in line at the bus station. He finally makes his way to the attendant and notices she is well endowed and certainly showing it. He avoids looking at her breasts and promptly states "I'd like a picket to Titsburgh."

Realizing his mistake he grows red with embarrassment. After purchasing a ticket to Pittsburgh he sits and waits for his bus.

Shortly after sitting down a man walks up to him and says, "Don't worry about that, it's called a 'Freudian Slip' and it happens all the time. Like the other day I was sitting with my wife at dinner and I meant to say 'pass me the salt, please' but I accidentally said 'you've ruined my life you terrible bitch'."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt for his contribution to day;s stories.

The IRS sent back the Tax Return to a man in New York City after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly.

In response to the question, "Do you have anyone dependent on you?", the man wrote: "20.1 million illegal immigrants, 10.1 million crack-heads, 40.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 850 prisons plus 450 idiots in the White House and Congress and a group that call themselves Politicians."

The IRS stated that the response he gave was unacceptable. The man's response back to IRS was...."Who did I leave out?"

The old prospector woman walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching post. As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old lady, laughed and said, "Hey old woman, have you ever danced?" The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and innocently replied, "No, I never have danced. Never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, old lady, you're gonna dance now" and started shooting at the old woman's feet. The old woman, not wanting to get her toes blown off and started hopping around. Everybody was laughing.

When the young gunslinger's last bullet had been fired, he holstered his six-shooter and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shotgun and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air and the crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The gunslinger heard the sounds too and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watch as the young gunmen stared at the old woman and the large, gaping hole of the shotgun's twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman's hands as she quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and replied, "No Ma'am, but I've always wanted to....."

That's it for today, my little bronc busters. Remember, Miranda rights should be substituted for wedding vows, verbatim. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !