My Birthday Party With "The Scalawags"

I partied with my friends, Luly, Paul and Sandra on Saturday night. We had a blast and they went out of their way to make it fun. Luly is the ringleader of "The Scalawags" and brought a beautiful cake. Everyone had naughty gifts (my reputation precedes me).

As per our wont, we spent half the evening laughing and taking pictures. Some of the naughty gag gifts were really funny and I noticed that the huge family at the next table finally reined in their precious (loud and obnoxious) little children when they noticed the kiddies ogling the gag gifts.

One of the funny gifts that Sandra gave me was a long, furry cats paw, which we all quickly changed into various uses and puns (along with pictures), That's was about the time "Huge Family" gathered up their kids.The cake was really delicious and it went well with Luly's Cosmo and my Dewars Scotch on the rocks.

It was a great evening and I really appreciate Luly and Paul going out of their way to find such a beautiful, fresh fruit laden, cake and the gag gifts from Luly, Paul and Sandra.

As usual, we closed the place and I went home and watched the re-air of the Nascar Race. As the sun came up, I began answering the many birthday wishes from my FaceBook family and friends. The bottom line is that from early Saturday evening until late Sunday night, I did not sleep.

I am told that this is could be bad for one's health, but they're young. They'll be fine.....

The News As I See It: Despite falling behind in delegates, Bernie Sanders insists he still has nine states left to go. Unfortunately, five of those states are Denial, Anger, Grief, Bargaining, and Acceptance.

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is coming out with a cookbook. The cookbook teaches you how to make a soufflé that falls then re-inflates at halftime.

Obama and Michelle were seen dancing with R2D2 and Storm Troopers yesterday in honor of Star Wars day. But C-3PO wasn't there — that's just how Obama dances.

This Date In History: 1914; Mother's Day became a public holiday. 1926; Explorers Richard E. Byrd and Floyd Bennett flew over the North Pole. 1936; Fascist Italy annexed Ethiopia. 1962; The Beatles signed their first recording contract and hired George Martin to be their producer.

1978; The body of slain former Italian prime minister Aldo Moro was found in an automobile in Rome. 1984 It took the Chicago White Sox 25 innings, eight hours, and six minutes, over two days, to finally defeat the Milwaukee Brewers, 7-6. It was the longest game (in elapsed time) in major-league history.

1994; The South African parliament chose Nelson Mandela as president. 2004; Chechnya's Moscow-backed leader, Akhmad Kadyrov, was killed in a bombing. Six others were killed and another 60 wounded.

Picture Of The Day: Our little group pf revelers who are known to prowl the area in search of parties and fun.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Your potato salad recipe is not a "family secret". Your uncle Ray, who cooks meth in his trailer home, is a family secret. 2) I ran into my Ex the other day. I could have sworn the light was green. 3) I think there should be a mandatory social IQ test at age 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get spayed or neutered. 4) If a bill collector or someone is bothering you with unnecessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad "iPhone 6s for $10". 5) I'm not getting married again until Pizza Hut allows gift registry.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 9th: Your task today is to keep these words in mind: Give a liberal a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a liberal to fish, he'll add to the global over-depletion of the oceans, then complain about global warming while he cashes his government check at the liquor store, so just give him the damned fish.

Birthdays: Belle Boyd, spy in the Civil War 1844, Sir James Barrie, playwright 1860, Howard Carter, Egyptologist 1873, "Pancho" Gonzales, tennis player 1928, Glenda Jackson, actress 1936, Albert Finney, actor 1936, John Ashcroft, attorney general 1942, Billy Joel, musician, singer, songwriter 1949.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: After a tiring day, a young woman settled down in her seat and closed her eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice.

The guy said, "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. With the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure......cross my heart"

Ten minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him had enough and leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed." 

(Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer).

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.

The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. The first man asks the second, "How did you die?" The second man says, "I froze to death."

The first man says, "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" The second man replies, "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping."

The second man asks, "How did you die?" The first man says, "I had a heart attack. You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either."

He continued, "I ran as fast as I could to the attic and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head and says, "that's so ironic." The first man says, "What do you mean?" The second man replies, "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

A little boy was confronted by his irate father who asked, "Johnny, did you push the outhouse over the cliff?" Little Johnny replied, "Yes, father, I cannot tell a lie. I pushed the outhouse over the cliff." With that, the seething father took off his belt, put little Johnny over his knee and proceeded to give him a good lashing.

Little Johnny cried out, "But father, George Washington did not get a lashing when he told the truth about chopping down the cherry tree." Johnny's father replied, "George Washington's father was not in the cherry tree!"

That's it for today, my little licorice sticks. Remember, "You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like shit."

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More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !