Dr. Phil's Answer To Inner Peace

I don't watch Dr. Phil because he's a moron but he recently said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish the things you have started. So, I finished off a bottle of scotch, a bag of Cheetos and some left-over pizza. You have no idea how freaking good I feel.

The News As I See It: Green Party candidate, Jill Stein, was escorted off the Hofstra University campus Monday afternoon after she tried to talk to reporters outside of Monday’s debate without proper credentials. As she was being dragged away by police she shouted, "Don’t you know who I am?" and they said, "No. No one does."

Facebook is expanding its campaign to combat online hate speech. In other words, Facebook is shutting down.

This Date In History: 1542; Portuguese explorer Juan Rodríguez Cabrillo arrived at present-day San Diego. 1781; The closing campaign of the American Revolution at Yorktown Heights, Va. began. 1920; Eight Chicago White Sox players were indicted for fixing the 1919 World Series in the "Black Sox scandal."

1924; Two U.S. Army planes landed in Seattle after completing the first round-the-world-flight in 175 days. 1939; A German-Soviet agreement divided Poland between Nazi Germany and the USSR. 1967; Walter Washington became the first mayor of the District of Columbia.

1972; Japan and Communist China agreed to re-establish diplomatic relations. 1989; Former Philippine President Ferdinand E. Marcos died in exile in Hawaii. 1991; Jazz great Miles Davis died. 2003; Althea Gibson, the first African-American tennis player to win at Wimbledon, died.

Picture Of The Day: The first presidential debate has both parties claiming victory. I saw it as a draw. As for the moderator, NBC's Lester Holt, I found him biased towards Hilary Clinton.

The moderator's job is not an easy task, nevertheless is bias was obvious. Although Holt is a registered republican, it's easy to see why he works for the liberal NBC.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A woman once told me that her philosophy about life was that if it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. 2) By the time you're 45 years old, you've spent 15 years asleep, and two years in the left turn lane. 3) You know you're addicted to the Internet when you refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. 4) Why did World War II Japanese Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? 5) Last night, I forgot to turn on the oven. The food was in there for 45 minutes. I know, because I set the timer.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - September 28th: The countries that have issued orders for your arrest will close in today and cause you to go without clean pants for two days. Most of this sentence comes direct from the spirits that guide me through your horoscopes. Kissing horses in an otherwise empty paddock is fair game today.

Birthdays: Michelangelo Caravaggio, Italian painter 1573,(?) Georges Clemenceau, political figure 1841, Avery Brundage, sports executive 1887, Ed Sullivan, television personality 1901, Al Capp, cartoonist 1909, Alice Marble, tennis player 1913, Marcello Mastroianni, actor 1924, Brigitte Bardot, actress 1934.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said, "If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water right here on my desk. So, who wants to go first ?"

The Englishman piped up. "B-B-B-B-B-B-B-irmingham". The speech therapist said, "That's no use, Trevor. Who's next ?" The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p- aisley"... The therapist said, "That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish. How about you, Paddy?"

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out "London". The speech therapist said, "Brilliant, Paddy!" and immediately set about living up to her promise. After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said, "--d--d--d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. She said to the doctor, "The hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?' The woman said, "On my balls, which is something else I want to talk to you about."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers: "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa." Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died.

A month later the father heard his son saying prayers again: "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation.

One week later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy." This nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner.

Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home, he apologized to his wife, "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."

His wife yelled, "You think you've had a bad day? You think you've had a bad day? The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

Tyrone was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother sitting at his bed side.

He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."

The husband was thinking to himself and asked with some trepidation, "Well, bro, what did you name them?" Whereupon, his brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise." The husband, relieved, said, "That's a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?" The brother replied, "Denephew."

That's it for today, my little peacocks. Remember, if it hurts you more than it hurts them, you're probably holding the Taser wrong. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Friday.

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