Black Friday Mania

I don't get up at 5 am for anything unless it's fishing or to pee. I also made a promise to myself in the Army that I'd never stand in line for anything. Finally, I don't stand in line at 5 am with morons trying to save 20% off a sale item unless I have my gun.

I realize there are those who need these sales because of a limited budget and small children. I defer to them and their reasoning. Unfortunately, there are also the nitwits who try to make a killing on these sales, come hell or high water.

Moreover, the traffic to and fro is horrible and you need to carry your weapon to keep street thugs from robbing you. If you make it safely without a car accident or being robbed, you face the stampede of idiots who would trample their mother or children to get to the treasured sale item.

Probably the worst store is Walmart whose slogan is "lets have 24 cash registers but only open two". Personally, I'd rather take my chances at the running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain.

The News As I See It: Both CBS and PBS fired Charlie Rose after allegations of sexual harassment. Yep. They told him to clear out his desk, put on some pants and leave.

Starbucks recently released a limited edition juniper latte. Juniper, or as Betsy Devos calls it, the biggest planet.

This Date In History: 1642; Abel Tasman discovered Van Diemen's land, later renamed Tasmania. 1859; Darwin's Origin of Species was published. 1871; The National Rifle Association was incorporated.

1874; Joseph Farwell Glidden patented barbed wire. 1963; Jack Ruby shot Lee Harvey Oswald, JFK's accused assassin, in the garage of Dallas police headquarters. 1971; D. B. Cooper parachuted from a Northwest Airlines flight with $200,000.

Picture Of The Day: I'd rather run with the bulls in Pamplona, Spain, than go to the stores on Black Friday.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my girlfriend and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date. 2) There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's. 3) Every time I walk into a bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!" 4) "Latte" is Latin for you paid too much for your coffee. 5) The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - November 24th: Today doesn't look very promising but the good news is that report you were waiting for from your doctor is negative. Take life with a grain of salt ...plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.

Remember, there's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

Birthdays: Zachary Taylor, 12th President of the United States  1784, Frances Hodgson Burnett, author 1849, Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, painter and lithographer 1864, Scott Joplin, American ragtime pianist and composer 1868.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An elderly couple were discussing plans to get married and wanted to iron out any potential problems with their particular properties.

The old woman said, "I want to keep my condominium in my name" The old man replied, "That's fine with me." The woman said, "I also want to keep my Cadillac in my name only." The man said, "that's fine with me."

Then, the old lady said, "I want to have sex six days a week." The old man said, "That's fine with me - put me down for Fridays."

A Chinese couple gets married and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.

He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring, "My darring, I know dis u firs time and you frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting, jus anyting you want. Whatchu want?"

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want...numba 69"

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone, he asks, "You wanna Kung pao chicken wif broccori?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The owner of small business was confused about how much he should pay for an invoice, which included a volume discount. So he decided to ask his blonde secretary.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from college, and I need some help. If I were to give you $7,525 minus 12.5% for a discount, how much would you take off?" She paused briefly and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married fifty years and there's something I have to know. In all of these fifty years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these fifty years, but always for a good reason." Henry asked, "Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reason'?

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home. But, what about the second time?"

Martha said, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

Henry said, "I recall that and you did it to save my life so, of course, I can forgive you for that. Now, tell me about the third time."

Martha said, "Alright, do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club and you needed 37 more votes?"

That's it for today, my little drumsticks. Remember, Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

Stay Tuned !