Jay Carney Joins CNN - A Perfect Match

Jay Carney, the little weasel who was Obama's press secretary has signed with CNN. Carney spent the last six years becoming very comfortable in front of a small group of 70-80 people, most of whom completely agreed with him, so he's perfect for CNN. That's about same audience he'll have there.

Evidently, the position of White House press secretary is CNN's intern program. Carney is one of many Obama officials to get jobs in the media once they leave the White House. He's also about the zillionth White House press secretary to make that move.

Carney's move into punditry was widely assumed. A New York Times interviewer once asked him, "Now that you’re leaving your job as White House press secretary, do you know which cable news network you’re going to be a pundit for?"

The spin masters embrace.....

The News As I See It: New York Governor Andrew Cuomo won the Democratic primary after a close race against an opponent named Zephyr Teachout. I know what you're thinking: Is Zypher Teachout a man or a woman? The answer is.....probably.

A truck in San Diego overturned and spilled thousands of oranges on a highway. It marked the first time in 20 years people in California were yelling, "Look out! OJ is on the highway."

Obama made a prime-time speech Wednesday night about how we're going to deal with violent extremists and their sickening behavior. Then, he quit talking about the NFL and talked about dealing with ISOL. Obama is getting tough with ISOL. I think he's going to force them to sell their NBA team.

The NFL is coming under a lot of fire. It came out that law enforcement sent a copy of the Ray Rice video to NFL headquarters back in April. The NFL commissioner apologized, saying the video got buried in the stack of other illegal things NFL players are doing.

Two 90-year-old lesbians got married in Iowa. Pictures of the happy lesbian couple haven't been made public, but if you see 90-year-old lesbians in Iowa, odds are it's them.

It’s been discovered that a healthy 24-year-old woman in China has lived her whole life without a major part of her brain. Scientists are calling her "the lost Kardashian."

This Date In History: 1609; Henry Hudson began his exploration of the Hudson River. 1953; Future President John F. Kennedy married Jacqueline Bouvier. 1977; South African black civil rights leader Steven Biko died while in police custody.

1992; Dr. Mae Carol Jemison became the first black woman in space aboard the Space Shuttle Endeavour. 1999; Indonesia announced it would allow an international peacekeeping force to restore order to East Timor.

Picture Of The Day: Some of the many morons who wore Ray Rice's jersey at last night's Baltimore Ravens game against the Pittsurgh Steelers. This, despite the recent release of the video of Rice knocking out his then-girlfriend in an Atlantic City casino elevator. Pure class.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Veni, vidi, velcro, visa. I came, I saw, I stuck around and did a little shopping. 2) My ex-wife went shopping for feminine protection. She decided on a thirty eight revolver. 3) Monday is "Bring Your Son or Daughter to the Unemployment Office Day." 4) I never knew why my father spent so much time in the garage until I got married. 3) 5) I don't care if you're a master carpenter, you never realize how big nine centimeters really is until you've observed your wife giving birth.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 12th: Fridays are a great day of the week for a party. You can get semi-blitzed tonight at happy hour as you and your co-workers celebrate and still look forward to a rousing weekend bash. A word of caution.....avoid over medicating because you'll need those drugs to go to work Saturday. The possibility of romance is 67 percent. Then again, I said romance not sex, so don't get your hopes up.

Birthdays: My friend Nury - Happy Birthday sweetie! 19XX, Richard Jordan Gatling, inventor of the Gatling gun 1818, Mary Ann Dyer Goodnight, philanthropist 1839, Henry Louis Mencken, editor, author and critic 1880, Maurice Chevalier, singer and film actor 1888, Ben Shahn, painter 1898, Jesse Owens, track star 1913.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Diane and Mike were going through a messy divorce when Mike died suddenly one day. Dianne was taking care of the funeral arrangements with the undertaker when she was asked how she wanted Mike's obituary to read.

Dianne asked the undertaker, "How much does an obituary cost?" The undertaker replied, "One dollar per word." Dianne then said, "I want the obituary to read, "Mike Is Dead".

The under taker was an old fishing buddy of Mike's and he was a little disturbed by such a curt obituary, so he offered, "I'll make you a special deal since I knew Mike so well. I'll pay for half of the obituary out of my own pocket." Diane's face lit up and she replied, "Great! I want it to read, "Mike Is Dead - Boat For Sale."

An older woman was shopping at the local supermarket. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she indeed had never found Mr. Right.

She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Yes, you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."



Royal Castle - Hialeah, Florida - Early '60s. A big part of my life - Three hamburgers and a birch beer - 50 cents. More on this in a future post.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Little Johnny and Billy were engaging in the time-honored tradition of a verbal battle like little boys all over the world. Billy said, "My Father is better than your Father!" Johnny declared, "No, he's not!"

Johnny then responded. "My brother is better than your brother!" Billy said, "He is not! He is not!" Billy said, "My Mother is better than your Mother!"

A long pause ensued, then Little Johnny said, "Well, I guess 'ya got me there. I've heard my Father say the same thing more than once."

 A preacher was giving his usual Sunday sermon when a young woman in the balcony, taken up by the moment, slipped and fell over the rail. Fortunately, she managed to grasp the railing with one hand and dangerously dangled there. Unfortunately, the mini skirt she was wearing rode up to her waist, entirely exposing the front of her young body.

The preacher, heavily involved in the final throes of his sermon, saw the young woman with everything exposed, dangling by one hand. He was concerned and worried that the spectacle not only might effect his sermon, but also the money that the church would make when they passed the collection plates.

The preacher quickly motioned to his deacon to go up and rescue the girl and nervously hurried to finish his sermon and start the collections. He saw that some of the males in the congregation had noticed the commotion and were feasting their eyes on the spectacle.

Fearful that this would ruin everything, he exclaimed, "We have a minor emergency which shall be rectified shortly. Sister Jones has slipped from the balcony and his hanging there by one hand. Her private parts are exposed and if any member of the congregation turns around to look at poor sister Jones, The lord will make them go blind."

An old man in the front pew of the church stood up, put his hand over his left eye and exclaimed, "I'm gonna take a chance on one eye!"

That's it for today, my little sugar beets. Remember, in an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

I Would Have Traded Jay Carney for Bowe Bergdahl

There's been too much discussion about the Bergdahl trade. How about a knowledgeable government varmint for a probable deserter? Yes, I'm talking about Jay Carney, the lying little weasel who's been spinning the truth for Barry Soetero since day one.

Keeping with tradition, we could have gotten back a man who knowingly abandoned his post for Carney, who knows every little evil hidden secret that is buried in the bowels of the White House.

I also considered throwing in Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid in the deal, but Nancy rejected the deal when she learned that "rape, loot and pillage" wasn't part of the agreement. Harry Reid was also rejected because the Taliban did not have a suitable nursing home.

Unfortunately, Obama choose to trade the political equivalent of the Miami Heat starting five for the team mascot. Alas, he refused to give up the blindly obedient and resident idiot, Nancy Pelosi, whose motto is "a standing ovation" every time something comes out of Obama's orifices, albeit burps or farts. He also refused to give up Reid, who has been in a coma for years, but still votes democrat.

Yep, I think a Carney for Bergdahl trade would have been great. What's the worst that could have happened? The Taliban tortured him until he told the truth?



Then again, Carney could go to work for Fox News and haunt Obama forever.

The News As I See It: The air conditioning stopped working during game one of the NBA Finals between the Miami Heat and the San Antonio Spurs, which made it feel like 90 degrees inside. Or as football players, baseball players, tennis players, soccer players, and runners put it, "Must be rough." LeBron James sat on the bench for the final four minutes of the game with leg cramps and what’s crazy was his teammates still kept passing him the ball.

The original trade exchanging POW Bowe Bergdahl for five Taliban prisoners included Joe Biden, but the Taliban said no.

Gay Pride Weekend started Friday in L.A. and Sunday night CBS hosted the Tony Awards. Coincidence?

The new Tom Cruise movie opened. It's called "Edge of Tomorrow." Tom Cruise is an intergalactic warrior fighting to save our planet from aliens. I have no idea who he plays in the movie.

This Date In History: 1870; Author Charles Dickens died. 1898; China agreed to lease Hong Kong to Britain for 99 years. 1934; Donald Duck made his screen debut in The Wise Little Hen. 1944; The Republic of Iceland was established.

1973; Secretariat won the Belmont Stakes and became the first Triple Crown winner in 25 years. 1978; After 148 years, the leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints finally allowed black men to become priests. 1993; Japan's Crown Prince Naruhito married commoner Masako Owada.

Picture Of The Day: My friend's daughter, Krysti, snapped this picture of the newest addition to the moose family that come every year to their home in Homer, Alaska to breed.  

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The fact that peanut butter companies feel it necessary to put on the jar that the product "Contains Peanuts" makes me extremely nervous for the human race. 2) Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screen shot of your degree? 3) I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. 4) I wonder if the guy who named the mustache was aware that "hair lip" was available? 5) My friend's kid is almost old enough for social media so he'll need to have "the talk" soon. You know, about your/you're and their/there/they're and the conjugation of "To Be.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Gemini - June 9th: Beware of the tricksters and ruses today. I saw a coyote next to the highway and I hope the tunnel ahead isn't just painted on.

Birthdays: Peter the Great, czar of Russia (1682–1725) 1672, Bertha Suttner, novelist 1843, Cole Porter, composer 1891, Robert McNamara, defense secretary 1916, Michael J. Fox, actor 1961, Johnny Depp, actor 1963, Natalie Portman, actress 1981.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000."

The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home. The undertaker asked him, "Why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here and it would only cost $150?"

The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here and three days later, he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!"

A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. The personnel director says, "You’ll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute." The dog sits down at the typewriter and types out 80 words per minute.

The director says, "You must also pass a physical and complete the obstacle course." This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.

The director continues, "There’s one last requirement. You must be bilingual." With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Little Johnny comes down for breakfast and since they live on a farm, his mother asks him if he has done his chores. Little Johnny replies, "Not yet." His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.

Pissed off, he goes to feed the chickens and he kicks a chicken. He goes off to feed the cows and he kicks a cow. Then he goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

Little Johnny asks, "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk on my cereal?" His mother says "I saw you kick the chicken so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he is walking into the kitchen. Little Johnny looks up at his mother and with a smile says, "Are you going to tell him or should I?"

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood, knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that." The elderly man said, "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

The old man said, "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question." The priest asked, " And what is that?" The old man said, "Should I tell her the war is over?"

That's it for today, my little sweet peas. Remember, don't rely on anyone to cure all diseases when we as a society can't figure out how to merge into traffic correctly?

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !