Make Up Your Mind Isaac So We Know How To Dress !

Tropical storm Isaac doesn't seem to be able to make up his mind as to where he's going. I don't see that as a big deal as the same thing has happened to me many times in AREA 51 bars.

Isaac's pending arrival comes twenty years to that day in 1992 when Hurricane Andrew ravaged South Florida, which at the time, was the costliest hurricane in United States history. Andrew destroyed about 25,524 homes and damaged 101,241 others in Miami-Dade County. 44 fatalities were reported in the State of Florida, alone.

Nike is coming out with a $350 pair of sneakers. Do you know how many convenience stores you have to rob to make that kind of money? Nike has an explanation for the reason these shoes are so expensive. They said the kids in China making the shoes are demanding two cents a day now. The shoes are perfect for when you're walking back to Chicago.

It's been nine months since Regis Philbin retired from the "Live with Regis and Kelly" show and Kelly Ripa is finally getting a new co-host. Ex NFL player Michael Strahan has signed on as Ripa's new partner and is slated to appear on the show September 4th.

The show has gone downhill since Regis left and adding Strahan is ridiculous. Maybe they're hoping to jump on the Obama advertising syndrome being used in commercials by the Madison Avenue advertising gurus.

The News As I See It: They're worried that Tropical Storm Isaac could hit Florida during next week's Republican convention, but Florida is ready for it. Thanks to Obama's economic policies, many businesses down there are already boarded up.

Mitt Romney and Tropical Storm Isaac have something in common. They can both change directions at any moment.

Joe Biden is going to the Republican convention to try to cause problems for Mitt Romney. Then after that, he's going to the Democratic convention where he will definitely cause problems for Obama.

The theme for the Republican National Convention is "Room Service and Hookers." Maybe that's why there are so many secret service agents there.

The Mars rover "Curiosity" has sent back images of some odd things on the surface of Mars, and some people think they could be UFOs. If we're on the surface of Mars, aren't we the UFO?

According to a new study, eating egg yolks after the age of 40 is as bad for you as smoking. Let me tell you something. If you are stupid enough to eat a 40-year-old egg yolk, you get what you deserve.

At a campaign stop in Virginia, Joe Biden said he is such a NASCAR fan, he said, "I'd trade being vice president in a heartbeat for winning Daytona." To which President Obama said, "Deal!"

Todd Akin, the moron Senate candidate from Missouri, is under fire for his controversial comments that women who are "legitimately raped are less likely to get pregnant." Candidates who are legitimately that stupid are less likely to get elected.

In a new interview, Michelle Obama said she doesn’t have time to read "Fifty Shades of Grey." It got weird when she added, "Again."

This Date In History: 79; Mount Vesuvius erupted and buried the towns of Pompeii and Herculaneum. 1572; 70,000 French Protestants, or Huguenots, were killed in the St. Bartholomew's Day massacre.

1814; The British set fire to the White House and the Capitol when they invaded Washington, DC during the War of 1812. 1821; Mexico gained its independence from Spain with the Treaty of Cordoba.

1949; The North Atlantic Treaty went into effect. 1968; France became the world's fifth nuclear power as it exploded a hydrogen bomb in the South Pacific. 1989; Pete Rose was banned from baseball for gambling.

1991; Mikhail Gorbachev resigned as the general secretary of the Communist Party after a failed coup attempt against him. 1992; Hurricane Andrew hit Florida, causing record damage.

Picture Of The Day: Whoo?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It's a dog-eat-dog world out there. That's why I stay home where it's a man-eat-chocolate world. 2) I look forward to paying off all my debt and finally getting back to just being broke. 3) Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked. 4) I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. 5) Serendipity is looking in a haystack for a needle and discovering the farmer's daughter.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - August 24th: The media will try to control your life today - don't fall for it. Everything you've ever felt about anything will be tested today during some troubling moment in which you'll learn something about anything or everything. When faced with life's problems you generally prefer to stride in with both boots kicking. However, today's "life problem" is that you will step in dog shit. No chance of romance with your boots in that condition.

Birthdays: William Wilberforce politician and humanitarian 1759, Theodore Parker theologian and social reformer 1810, Felix Mottl conductor 1856, Jorge Luis Borges poet and critic 1899, Steve Guttenberg actor, producer 1958, Cal Ripken, Jr. baseball player, 1960.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

I asked my lady friend to get me a newspaper. she said, "Don't be silly. You can borrow my I-Pad." That damned spider never new what hit him!

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Anchovies or jalapenos added to jokes upon request; your mileage may vary; no substitutions!

A flat chested young lady went to Doctor Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.' " She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs!

One morning she was running late and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Doctor Smith by any chance?" "Why yes, I do. How did you know?" The man stood up and cupped his crotch and said, "Hickory dickory dock..."

Juanito, the milkman, was on his deathbed, surrounded by his wife, daughter and son. As he lay dying, he began to recount the inheritance he planned to pass on to his family.

He said to his oldest son, "Pedro, to you, I bequeath all of my houses to the north and south." Juanito said to his second son, "Carlito, you will have all of my office buildings."

Juanito said to his daughter, "Maria, my only daughter, I give to you all of my apartments." He said to his wife, "My darling, I leave to you the skyscraper in the city."

The nurse overheard the discourse and said to Juanito's wife, "It's wonderful your husband is so rich. He's giving away so many properties." Without missing a beat, the wife responded, "Rich? Hah! He's dividing up his milk route."

That's it for today, my little Hershey bars. Remember, always be an optimist....at least until they start moving animals in pairs to Cape Canaveral.  If things work out with Isaac, I'm heading to AREA 51 for happy hour. That's it for now. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Go away Isaac !

Tropical storm Isaac looks like he has plans to visit South Florida. It's a bit early to worry too much, but there should be some law of nature that says storms can't hit the mainland on the weekend or at night. It's sort of like the weather version of of Murphy's Law or the old adage, "bread always lands peanut butter side down."

Every hurricane I can remember always seemed to hit at night and/or the weekend. Of course, when I was a lot younger, we just had a hurricane party and hung out together at the same place. That is..... until we really went through a bad, full force hurricane.

It was then that we learned that these storms are to be taken seriously and earnestly prepared for. Some people found out the hard way. I'm hoping that Isaac changes his mind and his course, but preparation begins tomorrow for me, just in case.

My pal Zoey crossed the rainbow bridge to play with Gabi Lin and Luke The Wonder Dog. She will be missed. My heart's out to Julie and Rick. Rest in peace, Zoey.....

The News As I See It: Th

A Playboy Playmate smuggled her boyfriend into the United States from Canada in a suitcase. They're going to arrest her as soon as they are done patting her down.

A new survey predicts that women and the elderly are more likely to vote in the presidential election. Which explains the new front-runner, Michael Buble.

The Republicans are getting ready for their Florida convention. Right now, they're busy auditioning minorities.

This Date In History: 1642; The English Civil War began between supporters of King Charles I (Royalists or Cavaliers) and those of Oliver Cromwell (Roundheads). 1775; King George III proclaimed the American colonies to be in open rebellion.

1846; The United States annexed New Mexico. 1851; The U.S. yacht America outraced the British Aurora off the English coast to win a trophy that became known as the America's Cup.

1902; Theodore Roosevelt became the first United States president to ride in an automobile. 1910; Korea was annexed by Japan after five years as a protectorate. 1989; Black Panther co-founder Huey P. Newton was shot to death in Oakland, Calif.

2003; Alabama's chief justice, Roy Moore, was suspended for refusing to move a Ten Commandments monument from the state courthouse. 2004; A version of Edvard Munch's painting The Scream was stolen in Norway. Another version had been stolen in 1994.

Picture Of The Day: There's always a reason to look back or over your shoulder.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) You know you're getting old when you have to turn your music down to park your car. 2) If a man said he'll fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it. 3) Grandparents: changing the world one forwarded email at a time. 4) At my age, only 3 things can make me go running. When someone yells, "Fire!", "Free Food!" or "The free food's on fire!" 5) Why haven't any of Spiderman's arch enemies just squashed him with a giant shoe?.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 22nd: Bread, lightly cooked, buttered. Today's horoscope is sponsored by Toast. All of your aims are achievable, although many of them would involve bionic implants and some theft. Long walks, cold showers and playing with puppies will help alleviate the lack of romance in your life this week.

Birthdays: Claude Debussy, composer 1862, Jacques Lipchitz, sculptor 1891, Dorothy Parker, writer 1893, Henri Cartier-Bresson, photojournalist 1908, John Lee Hooker blues musician 1917 Ray Bradbury, writer 1920, Norman Schwarzkopf, general 1934, E. Annie Proulx, writer 1935, Bill Parcells, football coach 1941, Tori Amos, musician 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man wanted an attack dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest dog in the kennel and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.

After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage. The buyer said, "He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," The owner replied, "He's not bad, but I have something better in mind for you."

They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage. The buyer said, "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier." The owner said,  "Well, no, I have something better in mind for you." The men continued their tour.

Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He did not seem to notice as the men approached. "The owner said, "This is the dog I had in mind for you." The buyer was flabbergasted. He said, "You're joking! This dog seems quite tame. He doesn't act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he's just lying there, licking his ass!"

The owner said,  "I know, I know, but he just ate a lawyer and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" Without looking up, Tim replied tearfully, "My goldfish died and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth, then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in El Paso, Texas, while awaiting their respective flights. One is an American Indian, another is a Texas cowboy and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived in the U.S. from the Middle East. Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures.

Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing, but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow, leans forward and says,  "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and, from the darkness beneath his Stetson, says in a smooth drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but it's a-comin'.

The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Phoenix. He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix was full of pigeon poop. The people of Phoenix could not walk on the sidewalks, or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and sidewalks clean.

One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. He said, "I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions or you can pay me one million dollars to ask one question." The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.

The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Arizona sky. All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the blue pigeon. The Phoenix pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city. The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City Hall.

The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of the plague of pigeons. Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for one million dollars and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the one million just to get to ask one question.

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his one question. The mayor asked, "Do you have a blue Mexican?"

Two cows were grazing on the side of a hill and one turned to the other and said, "Mooo." The other cow replied, "Damn, I was just going to say that."

That's it for today, my little munchkins. Remember, sometimes autocorrect can be your worst enema. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.. That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !