Mundane Monday - How About A Banana?

When I was a kid, my Brother Kirt thought he was a chicken. We never mentioned it very often because we needed the eggs. Times were tough when I was a a lad, but we managed to get through our childhood years without any major problems....with the exception of Brother Kirt who, after a few cold beers, still has a tendency to scratch dirt with his toes and flap his arms.

Looking back, I realize that our family was not rich but we never really knew we didn't have much money. In those days, there weren't any computers or video games and fun was something that was free and innocent. There was always a game of football or baseball going on and in the absence of an organized game, we played marbles, or threw yoyos or tops.

These thoughts came to me yesterday when I saw a group of young kids hanging out and they seemed to be bored out of their minds. The suburbs today are usually a bunch of ticky-tacky boxes with no real area for kids to play. Open areas are normally paved and parks are few and far between. I'm glad that the area where I grew up and lots of land and open areas around it that allowed us to let our imaginations run rampant.

I haven't been inside a movie theater in thirty years mainly because of the the dimwits and low-lifes who talk back to the movie screen while the movie is running. Back in the day, there were smartly dressed ushers with flashlights who would quiet anyone not bright enough to realize that the actors could not hear their remarks. Failure to keep quiet usually resulted in the loudmouth being removed from the theater.

That said, most movies that I see for the first time have usually been out for six months to a year. It really doesn't bother me too much because when I watch the movie, it's new to me. The best thing is that I can watch the movie in peace, avoid the lines and the price of popcorn is a lot cheaper. Hell, we even serve beer at Jimmy's Movie Theater.

This weekend, I saw The Sixth Sense and although I had seen previews of the movie before, it really didn't interest me too much. This is the first movie I have seen in a long time that was really good. I am the type of person who is always trying to figure out the angles and plot of the story and I couldn't have been farther away from the movie's ending. I really never saw it coming. I assume most of you have already seen the movie, but if you haven't, watch this one. The ending is great!

The News As I See It: Alan Greenspan, the former chairman of the Federal Reserve, said of his time in office, "I was wrong 30% of the time." Well that's not bad, for a weatherman or a free throw shooter, but he was the Chairman of the Fed. We need the Fed to be on the pill and he ran it on the rhythm method.

There’s a new comic book coming out about Arnold Schwarzenegger’s life. In the comic, Arnold battles his life-long nemesis: words. A town in Tennessee elected a dead man as its mayor. Finally, a politician who won't cheat on his wife.

There are some new reports coming in from O.J. Simpson in jail. Apparently O.J. has been playing a lot of baseball. He’s pretty good apparently. The only problem is that every time he runs home, he murders two people.

This Date In History: 1775; The "shot heard around the world" was fired. Colonial Minute Men took on British Army regulars at Lexington and Concord, Mass., starting the American Revolution. 1824; Lord Byron died of a fever while helping the Greeks fight the Turks. 1882; Naturalist Charles Darwin, developer of the theory of evolution, died.

1897; The first Boston Marathon was run. 1933; The United States went off the gold standard. 1943; The Warsaw ghetto uprising began, one of the first mass rebellions against the Nazis. 1993; The siege at Waco, Texas, ended when FBI moved into the Branch Davidian compound with tear gas and cult members set fire to the compound killing over 80 people.

1995; The Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City, Okla., was destroyed by a car bomb. 168 people, including 19 children were killed in the worst terrorist attack in U.S. history up to that time. 2005; Germany's Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger became Pope Benedict XVI.

Picture Of The Day: I've decided that I would quit picking on President Obama, politicians, lawyers and basketball players so instead, I thought I'd show you some pictures of nature at it's best.....the animal world. You deserve a day off from inuendos.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Have you ever wondered where toll booth attendants go when they need to use the bathroom? 2) The U.S. government spends billions and billions of dollars on bombs and welfare. It's hard to say which is more destructive. 3) There is always death and taxes. However, death doesn't get worse every year. 4) In an intellectually equal society, who will be the busboys? 5) Volvo, Video, Velcro: I came, I saw, I stuck around.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Sarah Kemble Knight, teacher 1666, Roger Sherman, political leader 1721, Eliot Ness, Federal agent 1903, Glenn Seaborg, chemist 1912, Dudley Moore, actor, comedian, composer 1935, Kate Hudson, actress 1979.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Barack Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked In the mirror and noticed that he was white from the neck to the top of his head. In a sheer panic and fearing he was turning white all over, he called his doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately.

After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Obama, and told him to drink it all. Obama drank the concoction and said,"That tasted like bullshit!" The doctor replied, "It was...you were a quart low."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

Murray was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Murray decided to invest his money in a small, but growing business. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the doted line he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him. The next day he had set up three interviews.

The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Murray asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Merv got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" She replied, "Well, you have no ears." Merv again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses."

Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?" The young man replied, "Well, it's pretty damned hard to wear glasses with no ears!"

A supermarket hired a college student who had just graduated. On his first day of work, the manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." The young man replied indignantly, "But I'm a college graduate with a Bachelor of Arts degree." The manager said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that. Give me the broom and I'll show you how."

A man was giving a lecture on efficiency and concluded with a note of caution, "You don't want to try these techniques at home." Someone asked, "Why not?" The man said, "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years. She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. One day I suggested, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?" The man replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."

A New Hampshireman stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip--three pennies. As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves."

The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him, and says, "Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?" The waitress says, "Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man." Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters "Hmm, true enough." The waitress continued, "And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor." Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too." The waitress says, "And the third penny tells me that your father was a bachelor, too."

That's it for today my little tootsie rolls. Remember, Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Evidently, Breaking Up Isn't So Hard To Do !

It's the day after Tax Day, the day we all cursed liked Joe Biden. I hope no one forgot to set their bank accounts back $10,000. President Obozo turned in his tax return yesterday. He didn’t owe a lot because he has a lot of dependents: his wife, two daughters, AIG, General Motors and Goldman Sachs.

Split-ups seem to be in the news lately and I don't know if it's in the water or just a bug going around. One thing for sure, lawyers are licking their lips in anticipation of screwing their clients for the screwing their clients got.

Larry King and his wife, Shawn, have both filed for divorce. King is in the doghouse after explosive allegations surfaced that he bedded the younger sister of his wife of 13 years, but I think he probably just didn’t have on his glasses. King, 76, filed for divorce from his seventh wife, Shawn, 50, in a Los Angeles court yesterday. It's the suspenders-wearing old troll's eighth trip to splitsville, as he divorced one of his wives twice. King requested joint custody of his two sons and it won’t be easy because they’re pretty comfortable in their retirement home.

Meanwhile back at the golf course, Elan Nordegren, Tiger Woods' wife, is reported to have left her home even before Tiger got home from the Masters Golf Tournament. Elan was reportedly outraged with Nike's new Tiger Woods commercial referring to it as "cheesy".

As for Jesse James, the overly-tattooed neanderthal that is married to Sandra Bullock, word has it that a fifth whore ("Ho" for the hard of understanding) has come out of the woodwork claiming to have had an affair. James' first affair was with Michelle "Bombshell" McGee (right), a grossly tattooed bimbo who looks like she be a perfect mate for Jesse James.

The News As I See It: Yesterday was the deadline for mailing in your Census form. People all around the country put down how many people live in their houses. Tiger Woods and Jesse James put "kind of a tricky situation right now." The government wants us to count how many people live in our home, and then to calculate how much money we owe them. A man actually got confused and sent a check to the census and a member of his household to the IRS. He sent a message to her saying, "Sorry Grandma, we’ll get you back."

It's fitting that April 14 was National Pecan Day because on that day, we recognize nuts. And on April 15, we payed our taxes to support them. A pecan tree can live for 300 years and when they’re old and gnarled, they can still bear fruit. They’re like the tree world’s Larry King.

At a recent tea party rally in Boston, Sarah Palin praised the crowd for winning that Senate race in Massachusetts. She said, "Shoot, look at what you did in January, you shook up the United States Senate." Unfortunately, no one heard the Senate thing because after she said "shoot," three hundred guns went off.

President Obozo is launching a new $6 billion space policy that will ultimately take astronauts to Mars. Of course, it’s $6 billion and $45 if the astronauts have a carry-on.

Yahoo is producing a daily video series based on its most popular news stories, in partnership with Toyota. Of course, they’re having a tough time getting the site up because it always ends up crashing.

This Date In History: 1746; The Jacobite uprising in England ends when Charles "Bonnie Prince Charlie" Stuart is defeated by the Duke of Cumberland. 1912; Harriet Quimby became the first woman to fly across the English Channel. 1917; Lenin returned to Russia after 10 years in exile in Switzerland.

1947; Financier Bernard Baruch coined the term “cold war” in a speech in South Carolina. 1947; Most of Texas City, Texas, destroyed when French ship Grandcamp exploded. 1972; China sent President Nixon two giant pandas as a gift. 1999; Hockey great Wayne Gretzky announced his retirement.

2007; A male student, Cho Seung-Hui, killed two in a Virginia Tech dorm, then killed 30 more 2 hours later in a classroom building. His suicide brought the death toll to 33, making the shooting rampage the most deadly in U.S. history. Fifteen others were wounded.

Picture Of The Day: The photoshop artists are working overtime to keep up with all the scandals and rumors that seem to be in the headlines almost every day. Naturally, I love it because it affords me the opportunity to post some cool graphics along with my stories. As long as idiots continue to step on their own stupid feet, I'll have a flood of pictures for Jimmy's Journal.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Is there a lawyer is the house (BOOM! ...click) Any more? 2) Money talks - mine says goodbye! 3) The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again. 4) It pays to remember your social obligations. If you don't go to other people's funerals, they won't go to yours. 5) A bend in the road isn't the end of the road unless you fail to make the turn.....and that's five !

Birthdays: It's a special birthday for someone in my life. Happy birthday to My Perfect Martini. May the day treat you as well as the precious moments treat me when we are together. Besito, mi amor.

My pal, Gipsy has a birthday today. Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, Wilbur Wright, airplane inventor 1867, John Millington Synge, dramatist 1871, Charlie Chaplin (Sir Charles Spencer Chaplin), English film actor, director, producer, writer, and composer 1889, Merce Cunningham, choreographer 1919, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, basketball player 1947, Selena Quintanilla Perez, singer 1971.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'The two sat sipping in silence."

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land." Nearly 75 years ago, President Franklin Delano Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the Promised Land." Now, President Barack Hussein Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons. After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor. As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups. He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs saying, "Hey buddy, I think your girl friend has gone home."

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of beer and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o' my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that I joined that Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking. It hasn't affected my brothers though!"

Freebies: M&M’s has a professional Facebook page. Click the link in this paragraph to receive free M&M’s pretzel candies. You can also send a free sample to any two Facebook friends, as well.

That's it for today my little chili dogs. Remember to take your medications before posting to the Internet. It's the day after TAX Day and a pretty good reason to go to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Tomorrow Is Tax Day: Make Your Tax Check Payable To The Infernal Revenue Service

Tomorrow is Tax Day and probably one of the most irritating days of the year. It's bad enough that everyone has to come up with his or her share of the tax burden, but when you see how the government wastes the money that they collect, it just pisses me off even further.

What I would really like to do is send in the article from USA Today archives. In the article, the Pentagon paid $171.50 each for hammers and NASA paid $600.00 each for toilet seats. With my return, I would enclose four toilet seats (value $2,400.00) and six hammers (value $1,029.00). That would be in payment for my total tax due of $3,429.00.

Out of a sense of patriotic duty, and to assist in the political purification of our government, I would also enclose a 1.5 inch Phillips head screw, for which HUD duly recorded and approved a purchase value of $22.00, as my contribution to fulfill the Presidential Election Fund option on Form 1040. This would be fitting as the asshole that was elected using these funds has certainly given America and the economy an expensive screwing. But, that's just me.....

New Yorkers always try to put the best face they can on Tax Day. For example, the hookers in Times Square, for an extra $50, will handle your extension. The U. S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Nancy Pelosi heard this, she was horrified. Well, I think she was horrified. It's difficult to tell.

President Obozo has announced a task force to review the tax codes. He's concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes...and that's just in his administration. Obozo's nominees are having tax issues, which proves one thing: The Democrats like raising the taxes, but they hate paying them. We ought to thank Obozo because he made it a lot easier for people to do taxes this year. No job, no income tax this year.

Tax Day Special Edition: Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta. 2) Income taxes are one of life's two certainties and the only one for which you can get an automatic extension. 3) On my income tax Form 1040 it says "Check this box if you are blind" so I put a check mark about three inches away. 4) If the IRS took 100 taxpayers at random and sent each an incorrect notice that they owed an extra $92.35 in taxes and interest, more than two-thirds would probably just send in a check without investigating further. 5) There's nothing wrong with the younger generation that becoming taxpayers won't cure.....and that's five !

The News As I See It: Michael Steele, Chairman of the Republican National Committee, said in a speech, "I am the first here to admit I’ve made mistakes." Then the stripper giving him a lap-dance said it will still be 20 bucks. CNN is hoping to spice up the show "Anderson Cooper 360" by adding a live audience. After that, they're hoping to spice up "Larry King Live" by adding a live Larry King.

Justice John Paul Stevens is leaving the Supreme Court. This won’t affect as many Americans as when Paula Abdul left "American Idol," but it’s still a big deal. Elizabeth Taylor is rumored to be getting married for the 9th time. One more and she qualifies for a free chicken sandwich at Quizno’s. Conan O’Brien recently announced that he will move his show to TBS. Later that day, Jay Leno announced that he will also move his show to TBS.

Tiger Woods said he would try to keep his emotions under control, but after a bad swing, he used the F-word. Who does he think he is — vice president of the United States? Tiger’s obviously under a lot of stress. It’s very difficult to play when you have a padlock on your underwear. Tiger finished in 4th place, which means he only won $330,000, which is barely enough to pay his text messaging bill.

Barry Bonds said he is "proud" of Mark McGwire for returning to baseball. And it really means a lot coming from Bonds — it’s like Tiger Woods getting a high five at the Masters from Jesse James.

This Date In History: 1775; Benjamin Rush was among those who founded the first American antislavery society. 1828; Noah Webster copyrighted the first edition of his dictionary. 1860; The first pony express rider reached his destination of San Francisco. He left St. Joseph, Mo., on April 3. 1865; Abraham Lincoln was assassinated by John Wilkes Booth.

1894; The first kinetoscope parlor opened in New York City. 1912; Titanic hit the iceberg that would sink her the next morning. 1969; In a record breaking night at the Academy Awards, a tie between Katherine Hepburn and Barbra Streisand resulted in the two sharing the the Best Actress Oscar and Hepburn broke the record as the only actress to win three Best Actress Oscars.

2002; Hugo Chávez returned as president of Venezuela after being forced out of office two days previously. 2003; Abu Abbas, the leader of the terrorist group Palestine Liberation Front when the group hijacked the liner Achille Lauro, was captured by U.S. forces in Iraq.

Picture Of The Day: Just some of the different expressions of Income Taxes and the IRS that I found in my trek around the 'net.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Maybe it's just me, but haven't you ever wondered why psychics never win the lottery? 2) Scotsmen wear kilts because sheep can hear zippers. 3) Everything you read in the newspaper is absolutely false, except for the rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge 4) It's not easy to rid an old dog of new ticks. 5) The buck doesn't even slow down here.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Anne Sullivan Macy, American educator, friend and teacher of Helen Keller 1866, Arnold Joseph Toynbee historian 1889, John Gielgud actor 1904, Francois Duvalier dictator of Haiti 1907, Loretta Lynn singer 1935,
Sarah Michelle Gellar actress 1977.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A man walks into a store followed by his teenage son. His son is spinning a quarter in the air and catching it between his teeth. While walking through the store someone bumps into the boy and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face. His dad starts panicking and shouts and screams for help.

A middle-aged, fairly unnoticeable man in a gray suit is sitting at the snack bar in the store reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, he looks up, puts his coffee down, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way towards the boy. When he reaches the boy, the man carefully takes hold of the boy's balls and squeezes.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat at the snack bar without saying a word.

As soon as the dad makes sure that his son is OK, he rushes over to the man and starts thanking him saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic! Are you a doctor?" The man replies, "No, I work for the Internal Revenue Service."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, the son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, the son of a bitch is nine..." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." His Mom said, "...and this is how your teacher taught you to do it ?" The little boy answered, "Yes."

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "...and are you teaching them to say two plus two, the son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, the sum of which, is four."

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Billy?" Billy replied, "I just saw one of your garters!" The teacher yelled, "Get out of my classroom I don't want to see you for three days!"

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. The teacher said, "Where do you think you're going, Johnny?" Little Johnny said, "From what I just saw, my school days are over!"

Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they came to the corral, a large bull had mounted a cow. Seeing the two animals coupled, Grandpa quickly explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her." A little later on, they saw two horse in the same situation. Grandpa said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too."

That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?" Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does, I'm eating a hamburger!"

That's it for today my little rum runners. Remember, don't count your chickens before they hatch and don't blame my cat. He has an airtight alibi. It's Hump Day and I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Plumber's Butt: The New Fashionable Image For Women?

The infamous plumber's butt crack, a sight that has given birth to countless jokes and stories, has new competition. Thousands of women now sport tattoos on their ass and the novelty (you'll pardon the expression) just keeps getting bigger and bigger. Plumber's Butt is the new fashionable cleavage for women.

Like most fads, the tattoo has become prominent among young people and the number of women who get tattoos continue to grow. An occasional small flower or sign has always looked sexy on women. Tattoos of the Sistine Chapel, however, slightly exceed those boundaries.

I very much appreciate women's bodies and a sexy tattoo place on a well shaped derriere is quite a sight. The problem, however, lies therein. Just like tight dresses, low cut pants and the ever popular thong, there are people who look good in that attire while on others, it might not be recommended.

The colloquial term for the strategically placed tattoo is a Tramp Stamp and the thing that I have noticed is that women wearing low rise jeans, thong panties and sporting these tattoos, is that they seem to forget what they're wearing when they bend over to pick up a child or stoop to get a product from a store. What looks good on some, looks pretty bad on others. It's sort of like looking at a Ferrari or a Ford van. Both are transportation, butt.....

It's somewhat of a game. The first women who decided that they wanted a tattoo branded on their ass were probably trend setters to a degree. What has ensued over the years is that every woman seems to think it's a brand new idea and follow suit (remember, you're unique...just like everybody else). Myself, I have taken the old childhood hobby of looking at the rear end of a car to see the tag and what state it's from and enhanced that thought a bit.

Some tattoos often have Asian lettering, ostensibly having some deep and thoughtful meaning or statement. Maybe women think that because their tattoo has Chinese characters, it's spiritual. Uh....it's right above the crack of your ass and it translates to "beef with broccoli." The truth is, many of the tattoos when translated say " Buy Toyota" or "Eat At Wong's Chinese Restaurant".....at least that's my theory.

Truth be told, I never got a tattoo and not because I don't like them. It's just the thought of being stuck with needles for no apparent reason never turned me on. Then again, I don't jump out of perfectly good running airplanes either.....

The News As I See It: Congratulations to Phil Mickelson in winning the Masters Championship for the third time. Mickelson, who took time off from golf to attend to his wife's current battle with breast cancer, won the tournament in spectacular fashion and grace. Tiger Woods' return to golf after taking time off to attend to his affairs did not seem to help him as his game and, oddly enough, his putter, got him into trouble. Imagine that.....

Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai is mad at the United States because we said his government is riddled with bribes, corruption, and pay-offs. I guess they’re trying to pass healthcare over there too. According to the Pentagon, al-Qaida has been so weakened financially that they’re turning to crimes like drugs, prostitution, and adjustable-rate mortgages.

An Irish airline has announced that it will charge $1.50 to use the toilet on the airplane. A lot of people will find a whole new use for the airsick bag.

This Date In History: 1861; The Civil War began when Fort Sumter was attacked. 1862; James J. Andrews led the raiding party that stole the Confederate locomotive "The General," inspiring the 1926; Buster Keaton movie.

1945; President Franklin Roosevelt died. 1955; The polio vaccine of Dr. Jonas Salk was called "safe, effective, and potent." 1961; Soviet cosmonaut Yuri A. Gagari became the first human in space and also the first human to orbit the earth in a spacecraft. 1981; The first space shuttle, Columbia, took its first test flight.

1983; Harold Washington was elected Chicago’s first African-American mayor. 1999; Arkansas federal judge Susan Webber Wright found President Clinton in contempt of court for lying about his relationship with Monica Lewinsky.

Picture Of The Day: Some of these pictures just crack me up so I thought I'd let you take a gander (or a goose) at some of these works of art floating around the Internet.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A man was walking down the road and saw his Afghanistan neighbor Abdul standing on his second floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. He shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?' 2) My buddy went to an extremely attractive female doctor for his annual checkup. She told him that he had to quit masturbating. He asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you." 3) People who stay in the middle of the road get run over. 4) There's no fool like an old fool, but the young ones are coming right along. 5) Today is the first day of the rest of your life -- Not exactly beginning with a bang, is it?.....and that's five !

Birthdays: My pal, Dr Marc. Happy Birthday my dear pal! 19XX, Henry Clay, American statesman 1777, William Martin Conway, English explorer, art historian 1856, Otto Meyerhof, physiologist 1884, Lily Pons, coloratura soprano 1904, Montserrat Caballé, singer 1933, Herbie Hancock, jazz musician 1940, Tom Clancy, novelist 1947, David Letterman, talk show host 1947.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An elderly couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" Her husband replied, "Yep, In-laws."

An old man was walking through the cemetery one morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. The old man said, "Morning." The other man replied, "No, just taking a shit."

It was a slow afternoon at the drug store and the pharmacist saw an old woman walk into the drugstore. The old woman sashayed up to the counter and asked, "Do you sell extra large condoms?"The pharmacist replied, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"The old woman said, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his flying days during the war. He says, "In 1942, the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these two fokkers appeared. I looked up, and right above me was one of them and I shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."

At this moment, the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company" The pilot says, "That's true, but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidt's."

A Mexican naval ship and American authorities off the coast of San Diego exchanged radio conversations one night. The Americans radioed, "Please divert your course 15 degrees South to avoid a collision. The Mexicans radioed back, "Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees North to avoid a collision." The Americans responded, " Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

The Mexicans immediately said, "This is the Captain Gomez of the Mexican Navy warship. I say again, divert your course. The Americans responded, "No. I say again, you divert your course."

The Mexican ship said, "This is the Mexican warship Pancho Villa, the second largest ship in our fleet. We are accompanied by three support war vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship. The Americans responded, "This is a lighthouse.....your call, Jose!"

A Unites States Marine walked the entire length of a train looking for a seat, but a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle took the only seat remaining. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog."Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" The next time the Marine didn't say a word. He just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American In his place !"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your vehicles on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

That's it for today my little petunias. Remember, in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos! More on Monday.

Stay Tuned !