Washington D.C. - Can You Hear Me Now?

America has begun to dispose of useless politicians and incumbents and in national elections across the country yesterday, the message to Washington, D.C., was obvious.

In Pennsylvania, Rep. Joe Sestak defeated political whore Sen. Arlen Specter for the Democratic Senate nomination. Specter, who switched parties in 2009 after realizing he would be defeated, was given notice by voters that his kind was no longer needed in Washington. Specter desperately needed the campaign help of President Obozo, but, in typical Obozo fashion, da prez turned his back. Sestak will face Republican Pat Toomey in November.

It was a bipartisan night of rejection for the Washington establishment. Kentucky Republicans struck the first blow by choosing political newcomer Rand Paul as their Senate nominee. Paul, an ophthalmologist and Tea Party favorite, defeated Secretary of State Trey Grayson, who had been championed by Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell of Kentucky.

In the coming months leading up to the November mid-term elections, more heads will roll beginning with Nevada senator Harry Reed. The message is ringing loud and clear and the fact that every candidate that was backed and supported by President Obozo lost his seat sends a clear message to Obozo's 2012 aspirations for re-election.

I keep forgetting that I have passed the age of 39. Although Jack Benny cornered the market on that fine age, alas, it has long since passed for the likes of me. The main problem is that I forget this important fact. Many times I have entered the restroom at one of my AREA 51 watering holes and upon nearing the sink, have become irritated waiting on the silver haired man in front of me to finish and move, so that I can wash my hands.

I was feeling pretty frisky after making my Monday entry and I undertook several tasks shortly thereafter that needed to be finished. Afterwards, I returned to the computer to do a few more things and then went to bed around 1:00 a.m.

I awoke today around 9:00 a.m. feeling rested and refreshed. I swung my legs to the floor and when I stood up, the pain in my right knee and my ankle was beyond belief. I laid back down and thought, "Now, what?" I suddenly remembered the phrase, "too much, too soon", a concept I've rarely had to apply to myself, but now seems like a viable alternative to burning the candle at both ends (especially with a short candle).

Orel B, the toothbrush people, only slightly irritated me when they came out with the lazyman's electric toothbrush. Now, they have me rolling with laughter on their newest invention. I apologize, in advance, to anyone who has purchased this product, but if you have, you seriously need to re-examine your priorities.

Their newest product is a computerized toothbrush. Yes, Bucky Beaver, you have competition. The computer tells you if you haven't done enough strokes (I wonder if this concept could be carried to the boudoir), if you are doing it incorrectly (redundant), and other valuable pearls of wisdom. Call me silly, but if you are unable to count to thirty, or your saliva is red or if you are unable to ascertain why you have a sharp pain in your gums, methinks, you'll also be unable to operate the computerized toothbrush, anyway.

Odds And Ends: I saw a television show the other evening where one of the people mentioned the "mile high club". I don't know if I qualify for the club due to my fear of flying, but I have spent several amorous weekends in Denver (the "Mile High" city). I did qualify for another club, however, called the "mile ahead club" where you have an amorous interlude in your car while parked behind a Cracker Barrel billboard.

The News As I See It: Attorney General Eric Holder has said that he may sue Arizona for their new immigration law, though he admitted that he had not read the law yet. That didn’t stop them from passing healthcare.

BP Oil has lowered a hose down to the oil spill in the Gulf. They’re pumping the leaking oil up to a tanker. The bad news is that the tanker is the Exxon Valdez. Scientists have developed a car that can run on water. The only problem is that the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico.

A fertility clinic is now offering parents the option to select the eye and hair color of their babies. Don’t you miss the days when people would just get pregnant, have their eight babies, and go on "Entertainment Tonight"?

For the first time, an Arab-American, Rima Fakih, won Miss USA. Rima is very excited and she hopes this will help get her name off the No-Fly list.

A new study found that wine stored in boxes loses its flavor after six months. Although if your thing is boxed wine, I doubt you’re the kind of guy who keeps it for more than six months.

This Date In History: 1536; Anne Boleyn, the second wife of King Henry VIII, was beheaded. 1588; The 130-ship-strong Spanish Armada set sail for England; it was defeated in August. 1643; The colonies of Massachusetts Bay, Plymouth, Connecticut, and New Harbor met to form the New England Confederation.

1921; Congress passed the Emergency Quota Act, establishing national quotas for immigrants. 1928; The first annual Calaveras County "Frog Jumping Jubilee" was held in Angel's Camp, California. 1935; British author and soldier, T. E. Lawrence, also known as "Lawrence of Arabia," died from injuries sustained in a motorcycle crash.

1962 Marilyn Monroe sang “Happy Birthday” to president John F. Kennedy. 1992 The 27th Amendment to the Constitution, which prohibited Congress from giving itself midterm pay raises, went into effect. 1994; Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis died in New York.

Picture Of The Day: Most of today's pictures speak for themselves but the picture of the day has nothing to do with today's theme.....or does it?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A friend is someone who will help you move. A good friend is someone who will help you move a dead body. 2) Women should not have children after 35. Really...35 children are enough. 3) Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes. 4) I hope I'm the last guy on earth -- I wanna see if all those women were lying to me. 5) Do you how to get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say F**k? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!".....and that's five !

Birthdays: Johns Hopkins, financier and philanthropist 1795, Nancy Astor, politician 1879, Ho Chi Minh, Vietnamese President 1890, Lorraine Hansberry, playwright 1930, Nora Ephron, screenwriter, director 1941, Pete Townshend, musician; composer 1945.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Joe Bob, Jim Bob and Billy Bob are greeted in heaven by St. Peter who says, "We have only one rule, never step on a duck." But upon passing through the Pearly Gates, they're surrounded by thousands of ducks, and Joe Bob steps on one. The duck quacks and soon, all the ducks are quacking.

St. Peter admonishes, "I warned you not to step on a duck." He shackles Joe Bob to a ferocious looking 260 lb Amazon woman for all eternity. Jim Bob steps on a duck and gets tethered forever to a Brute 6 foot 6 redheaded Viking woman.

Billy Bob thinks, "Poor ole Joe Bob and Jim Bob", and learns to watch his step. So, St. Peter chains him to an absolutely gorgeous girl. Billy Bob exclaims, "Wow, what did I do to deserve this?" The buxom beauty replies, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man wanted an attack dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.

After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage. "He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer. "Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have something better in mind for you."

They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage. "Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier." "Well, no," said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."

The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his ass. He did not seem to notice as the men approached.

The owner said, "This is the dog I had in mind for you" The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed. "This dog seems quite tame. He doesn't act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he's just lying there, licking his ass!" The owner says "I know, he just ate a lawyer and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. Trying to sound worldly and knowledgeable, he whispers, "My darring, I know dis your firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting you want. You juss ask! So, whatchu want?"

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try something I have heard about from many other girls...Numbaa 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her, "You want ah...Gahric Chicken with steamy vegetable?"

Two elderly gentlemen, Slim and Bill, were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." Bill says, "Really? Like a newborn baby?" Slim says, "Yep! No hair, no teeth, and I think I just pssed my pants."

That's it for today my little tinker toys. Remember, you have the right to remain silent, but you may not have the ability. It's Hump Day and I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Let's See What Message America Sends To Washington Politicians In Tomorrow's Super Tuesday Primaries

Tomorrow's "Super Tuesday " primaries are hopefully the beginning of America's message to politicians and that message is that we are fed up with your shucking and jiving and government as usual. The national economy is in shambles, unemployment is astronomical and now, every politician's job is in danger as well. Now the politicians will see what unemployment really feels like.

The Pennsylvania contest is one of four competitive Senate primaries Tuesday. Incumbents and establishment favorites have already seen casualties in Utah, Florida and West Virginia.

In Pennsylvania, Rep. Joe Sestak is in a statistical tie with Sen. Arlen Specter heading into Tuesday's primary that will decide the Democratic senate nominee, with Sestak leading 42 percent to 41 percent with 16 percent undecided. Specter was a Republican for years and switched parties in April of 2009 after realizing he would be defeated and lose his seat to his opponent. Spector may or may not survive the Democratic primary, but his fate will likely be sealed in the November elections.

In Kentucky, reflecting the GOP drift to the right, Secretary of State Trey Grayson has faded amid a surge for Tea Party favorite Rand Paul, an ophthalmologist and son of libertarian Rep. Ron Paul (R- Texas). There's also a battle for the Democratic nomination, this one between Attorney General Jack Conway and Lt. Gov. Daniel Mongiardo, a physician.

The bottom line? Americans can repair the damage done to this country in 2008 and now is the time to show Washington that campaign lies will result in losing the next election.

The News As I See It: President Obozo said he’s angry and frustrated with the oil spill in the Gulf and the oil companies behind it. He said he’s tired of all the finger-pointing — then he blamed the Bush administration for everything.

Nancy Pelosi told Catholic leaders they need to support the Democratic version of immigration reform, and to preach it from the pulpit. She would have said more but she had to leave to attend a rally for the separation of church and state.

A woman in Britain is selling wallabies as a good alternative to lawnmowers. They say the wallabies work just as well as regular mowers — until you get drunk and try to ride one of them into town.

Scientists just noticed that the planet Jupiter is missing one of its rings. They should try looking in Uranus.

This Date In History: 1792; The New York Stock Exchange was established when a group of 24 brokers and merchants met by a tree on what is now Wall Street and signed the Buttonwood Agreement. 1875; The first Kentucky Derby was held at Churchill Downs, in Louisville, Kentucky. 1938; NBC aired the Information Please quiz show on the radio for the first time.

1954; The Supreme Court ruled unanimously against segregation in schools in Brown v. Board of Education. 1973; Televised Watergate hearings opened, headed by North Carolina senator Sam Ervin. 1987; An Iraqi warplane attacked the U.S.S. Stark in the Persian Gulf, killing 37 American sailors and wounding 62.

Picture Of The Day: Political cartoons and photoshop pictures abound as the current news in America becomes worse each day. Some are humorous and some are not but all make valid points.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm trying to figure out whether I should have casual sex, or should I dress up? 2) One of my lady friends asked me, "Do you believe in love at first sight"? I said, "At the first sight of what"? 3) Those who say they "sleep like a baby", haven't got one. 4) Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. 5) Most women don't know where to look when they're eating a banana.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Seth Warner, hero of the American Revolution 1743, Edward Jenner, physician 1749, Erik Satie, composer 1866, Birgit Nilsson, soprano 1918, Dennis Hopper, actor, director, producer 1936, Sugar Ray Leonard, boxer 1956.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Two old men were talking. Murray said, "So Moises, how's your sex life?" Moises responds, "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." Murray says, "Social Security sex?" Moses repies, "Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

Bob and Larry men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months." Larry continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

Barack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland." Obama said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One". The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." Obama said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!" The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!" Obama is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped." The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"

The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tutti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind. A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind. The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tutti Homini, et Tutti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.

The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and asked if he could also bless gay people. The Pope said, "Sure". The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tutti Homini, et Tutti Femini, et Tutti Fruiti."

While touring an Indian reservation in North Dakota filming a documentary, the lady was puzzled as to why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses. So, she asked a brave who only had one feather in his headdress. His reply was, "Only have one woman. One woman, one feather." Feeling the first fellow was only joking she asked another brave. This brave had two feathers in his headdress. He replied, "Me have two women. Two women, two feathers."

Still not convinced the feathers indicated the number of sexual partners involved, she decided to interview the Chief. The Chief had a headdress full of feathers, which, needless to say, amused the lady. She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?" The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said, "Me Chief, me sleep with 'em all. Big, small, and tall, me sleep with 'em all."

Horrified, she stated, "You ought to be hung." The Chief said, "You damn right, me hung, big like buffalo, long like snake." She cried, "You don't have to be so hostile." The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style...me sleep with 'em all." With tears in her eyes, she cried, "Oh dear." The Chief said, "No deer. Ass too high, run too fast."

That's it for today my little sweet potatos. Remember, nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who's free for the weekend. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

BP Oil Needs A Big Hole Drilled In It's Wallet !

The BP Gulf oil leak is quickly becoming a major disaster. When the leak was first announced, I predicted that it would be much worse than BP officials stated and unfortunately, I was right. The worst part about this debacle is that these assholes did not have emergency plans to deal with a catastrophe and the government never really checked to see if there was an emergency plan.

The damage that is being done to the gulf fisheries and wildlife is going to be catastrophic, not to mention the loss of jobs and income that Gulf residents derive from tourism, fishing and other related industries. As usual, BP and their associated contractors are all busy pointing the finger at each other. You can be sure that their staff of lawyers are busy looking for every loophole in the law to evade and avoid paying for this mess.

I have always believed that offshore oil drilling is an accident looking for a place to happen and my worst fears have been realized. Ecologically, offshore drilling is about as safe as getting your drinking water from a toilet.

In California, the Los Angeles City Council overwhelmingly approved a boycott of Arizona-based businesses and governments unless the state repeals a new law giving police the power to question a detainee's immigration status. Several other California cities, including San Francisco and Oakland, have already adopted resolutions requesting city departments to not sign any new contracts with Arizona companies.

The Arizona law requires immigrants to carry their registration documents at all times and allows police to question individuals' immigration status in the process of enforcing any other law or ordinance.

California is a state that thought it was a good idea to elect Arnold Schwarzenegger as their governor and is facing a twenty billion dollar deficit in their budget. If these facts are not self-explanatory, read: An estimated 2,209,000 of California residents (800,000 in Los Angeles) are illegal immigrants who do not pay state income taxes.

I am for legal immigration. I am against illegal immigration and allowing illegal immigrants to jump in front of the list of immigrants who are patiently going through the long legal process of American citizenship. If this is not abundantly clear, please refer to the map below.

The Preakness Stakes: Kentucky Derby winner Super Saver was made the early 5-2 favorite Wednesday for the Preakness Stakes, and he'll break from the starting gate next to beaten Derby favorite Lookin At Lucky. Trained by Todd Pletcher and ridden by Calvin Borel, Super Saver drew the No. 8 post in the field of 12 -- two short of the maximum -- for Saturday's 1 3/16-mile race at Pimlico." Last year, Borel rode favored filly Rachel Alexandra to victory over the boys from the No. 13 post on the far outside.

The News As I See It: The Senate voted to toughen standards for home loans. Under these new standards, lenders would have to verify that borrowers can repay the loan. I hope China doesn't adopt this and do the same thing.

BP Oil is considering a plan to fire golf balls and rubber tires into the gulf oil leak to clog it. The site will end up looking like the front lawn at Tiger Woods’ house. At least Toyota and Tiger Woods may finally have a chance to redeem themselves after all.

Larry King and his wife are not getting divorced despite allegations of cheating. The family spokesman said Larry loves his wife, and loves being a family, and when they started to divide the property, he realized how ridiculous he would look wearing only one suspender.

Disney is partnering with a South Korean company to launch a Korean-language Disney channel. Mickey will still be known as "Mickey," and Minnie will still be known as "Minnie." However, Pluto will now be known as "Delicious."

This Date In History: 1862; The U.S. Department of Agriculture was created by an act of Congress on this day. 1911; The Standard Oil Company, headed by John D. Rockefeller, was ordered dissolved by the Supreme Court, under the Sherman Antitrust Act.

1918; The first air mail route in the U.S. was established between New York and Washington, DC, with a stop at Philadelphia. 1930; On a Boeing Air Transport flight between Oakland and Chicago, Ellen Church became the first airline stewardess.

1940; Nylon stockings went on sale for the first time in the United States. 1972; Alabama Governor George Wallace was shot and crippled as he campaigned for the presidency. 1988; Frank Sinatra died at the age of 82.

Picture Of The Day: The BP Gulf oil spill is no joke, but it's Friday and we have to take time to relax and laugh a bit. The photoshop artists are at it again and better than ever with their current crop of pictures. Tweety Bird really has nothing to do with today's theme, but I like Tweety Bird and the picture fits the description. Twitter is for the birds !

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. 2) I think that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. 3) Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso. 4) It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 5) Hey, I may have Alzheimer's, but at least I don't have Alzheimer's.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Claudio Monteverdi, composer 1567, Lyman Frank Baum, author 1856, Katherine Anne Porter, author 1890, Richard Joseph Daley, political leader 1902, James Mason, actor 1909, Paul A. Samuelson, economist 1915, Richard Avedon, photographer 1923, Jasper Johns, artist 1930, Madeleine Albright, government official 1937.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A nurse of an old folks home walked into the room of Mr. Goldstein and noticed he was crying at the foot of his bed. The nurse asked, "What's the matter, Mr. Goldstein"? Sobbing, the old man cried, "My penis died today", and began to cry hysterically. The nurse played along with the old man and consoled him on his great loss.

A couple days later the nurse was in the middle of her rounds and noticed Mr. Jones walking down the hall with his penis hanging freely out of his shorts. The nurse walked up to him with a sympathetic voice and asked, "Mr. Jones, I thought your penis passed away a couple days ago." He looked back at her and whispered, "It did, and today is the viewing."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately: 1) High fever 2) Congestion 3) Nausea 4) Fatigue 5) Aching in the joints 6) An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield.

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up." The doctor replied, "That's not senility. Senility is when you forget to zip down."

Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I'd gained some weight, and I didn't feel so hot. My doctor said eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it would solve my physical problems. He said just think in colors. Fill your plate with bright colors; greens, yellows, reds, etc. I went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&M's and sure enough, I felt better immediately. I never knew eating right could be so easy.

Asshole Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So, I looked around my house to see things I started, and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreo's, a pot of coffee, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines, and a box of Godiva Chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel.

A man goes to the doctor and tells him, "I'm sorry doctor, I know this is unusual but I seem to have a head of lettuce stuck up my ass!" The doctor replies, "Good Grief!, I'd better take a look" The doctor examines the man and says, "It's worse than than I thought and that's just the tip of the iceberg."

That's it for today my little coffee beans. Remember, mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked. Friday means fun and I'm going to AREA 51 for a little recreation. I hope I don't have to pay anyone..... Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Did You Ever Wonder What The Speed Of Lightning Would Be If It Didn't Zigzag?

I love rainy nights. It has a nostalgic effect on me and takes me back to my childhood days, lying in bed at night and listening to the rain. In those days, we didn't have air-conditioning and the cool breeze that always proceeded the rain was refreshing. I remember that I could literally smell the rain coming.

Rainy nights, however, are not welcome when The Eagle decides to pay a visit to AREA 51, especially if the rain is accompanied by lightning. Summer always brings afternoon rains, especially in South Florida.

I recall an evening last summer when it started drizzling just about the time that I got out of the shower. Unswayed by the winds, rain and lightning, I continued to dress because I, much like the heralded postman, had my own AREA 51 mission and neither wind, nor rain, nor lack of scotch would prevent this courageous courier from the (somewhat) swift completion of his mission. That is, of course, unless any of the aforementioned conditions includes lightning.

Actually, lightning has a way of closing my sphincter muscle to the point that it actually causes aging. I can handle the rains and winds, but lightning ofttimes forces me to yell out that old warning, "women, children and journalists first."
With those thoughts in mind I am proud to tell you, that summer night, I went out my front door, opened my umbrella and a bolt of lightning hit within fifty yards of my proximity.

Like the mighty warrior that I am, I turned and ran back into the house, screaming like a campfire girl. Nay, my little lightning rods, mama didn't raise no fool. I surrendered the evening to the elements and was forced to sit at home alone. Thankfully, my spiritual advisor and confidant Johnnie Walker Black was there to console me. Bravery and courage has its' merits, but not when lightning is involved.....

The News As I See It: The government announced that they’re making big changes to the No-Fly list. Apparently, asking terrorists to be on the honor system has not been working.

Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood said that soon, the U.S. will reopen the Mexican border to trucks. This came as a shock to Mexican truck drivers, who didn’t even know it was closed.

Britain’s current prime minister, Gordon Brown, announced that he is stepping down and his replacement might be the education secretary, a gentleman named Ed Balls. Since Jimmy's Journal relies a great deal on political humor, I implore the voters of Britain to make sure that happens.

Europe has authorized the financial bailout for Greece. Greece is like the world’s new brother-in-law. They say that the check being written for Greece is the biggest check ever written — until Tiger Woods gets divorced.

Odds and Ends: President Obozo nominated Elena Kagan to be the next Supreme Court justice, against the advice of Joe Biden, who wanted Iron Man. Obozo said that we rely too much on gadgets. He gave a passionate speech about technology, but he had to stop when the teleprompter broke. The State Department has warned against travel to the tribal regions of Pakistan. Crap! There goes my summer vacation. According to a new study, modern human beings bred with neanderthals. Well, it sure didn’t work for Sandra Bullock.

This Date In History: 1777; The first ice cream advertisement by Philip Lenzi, New York Gazette. 1870; Manitoba becomes a province of Canada. 1908; Wireless Radio Broadcasting is patented by Nathan B Stubblefield. 1925; Walter Hagen wins PGA golf tournament

1932; The body of kidnapped son of Charles Lindbergh is found in Hopewell, New Jersey. 2008; Tens of thousands killed and thousands injured when a 7.9 magnitude earthquake strikes Sichuan, Gansu, and Yunnan Provinces in western China.

Picture Of The Day: Lightning, one of the few things that petrifies me. That, of course, and the sound of a car pulling into a driveway of a house where I am involved in a clandestine meeting, but I digress....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I once saw six men kicking and punching my mother-in-law. My neighbor said, "Are you going to help?" I said, "No, the six of them should be enough." 2) After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF !! 3) The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste. 4) Alcohol doesn't solve any problems...but then again, neither does milk. 5) Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Florence Nightingale, English nurse, the founder of modern nursing 1820, Henry Cabot Lodge, U.S. Senator 1850, Katharine Hepburn, actress 1907, Dorothy Crowfoot Hodgkin, chemist, Nobel laureate 1910, Yogi Berra, baseball player 1925, Burt Bacharach, composer 1929, George Carlin, comedian 1937, Emilio Estevez, actor 1962.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An old woman was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelicts intuition, since indeed, she had never found Mr. Right.

She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Yes, you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him." The farmer replied, "Suit yourself, the hens are round the back."

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Southern refinery. A Northern boy applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Bubba and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Northern boy the job." Bubba asked, "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being the South, and me being a Southern boy, I should get the job!"

The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed." Bubba then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" The manager replied, "Bubba, its like this. On question #4 the Northern boy put down; "I don't know." You put down, "Neither do I."

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him and said, " Hi, my name's Carmen." The man said, "That's a beautiful name. Is it a family name?"

The woman said, "No, I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most, cars and men. What's your name?" The man replied, "B. J. Titsengolf."

That's it for today my little tadpoles. Remember, there are three kinds of people in the world. The ones who learn by reading, the ones who learn by observation and the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it's hot. Hump day....Happy Hour.....Scotch. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday Birthday Celebration

My birthday on Friday turned out be great all-nighter and I celebrated my birthday with my sweet Nicole, Alex, Kathy, Maylen and Omar. We celebrated Mother's Day with, and in honor of, the girls' Mom, Mercedes. We had dinner at Buca Di Beppo, an fine Italian restaurant in Miami Lakes. The food was great but every one's eyes were bigger that their stomachs and they took home three or four large doggie bags.

After dinner, a few of us went to Lakes Cafe and Sports Bar for more cocktails. My spiritual advisor for the evening was Mr. Dewars White Label, a long time advisor and drinking companion. There was a karaoke show going on when we got there and after hearing two or three of the "singers" we discovered that liquor could not make them sound any better and we decided to leave.

The Billiards Club was our next destination and I always enjoy myself there. Peter, the owner, was kind enough to buy us a round of drinks to honor my birthday. The Billiards Club is AREA 51 certified and the bartenders there are great. The drink prices are reasonable and generously poured. Peter now has Karaoke shows at the club and although I haven't been to one there, I'm looking forward to seeing the next show.

We left The Billiards Club as the closing lights were coming up and went to my house. After another cocktail we listened to some music and sang a few karaoke songs. Finally, around 6:00 a.m., we decided to call it a night. Even Possum S. Hemming way turned in when he saw the morning twilight begin to peak through the windows. All in all, it was a great night and a lot of fun.

On a sad note, songstress Lena Horne, the enchanting jazz singer and actress known for her plaintive, signature song "Stormy Weather", died Sunday at NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital. Miss Horne was 92.

The News As I See It: Mother’s Day was on Sunday, but it’s also National Cheeseburger Month. That shows you our priorities in this country — moms get one day, cheeseburgers get a whole month.

Although it seems like nothing is getting accomplished in the Gulf, and the situation is getting worse every day, the government has been involved in the clean-up effort since the beginning. They said that, as proof of their involvement, nothing has really been accomplished and the situation is getting worse every day.

This oil spill in the Gulf is affecting everybody. In fact, when I went to lunch this weekend and ordered the sea bass, they asked if I wanted it regular or unleaded.

The crisis in Greece is being blamed on social entitlement programs and over-spending, but the government claims that the spending is necessary to stimulate the economy, according to Greek President Barack Obama-opolous.

This Date In History: 1775; Ethan Allen and his Green Mountain Boys captured Fort Ticonderoga from the British. 1863; Confederate General Stonewall Jackson died after being accidentally shot by his own troops. 1869; The United States’ first transcontinental railroad was completed with a ceremony in Promontory Summit, Utah.

1924; J. Edgar Hoover became director of the FBI. 1940; Winston Churchill succeeded Neville Chamberlain as British prime minister. 1994; Nelson Mandela was sworn in as South Africa's first black president.

Picture Of The Day: Occasionally, I go through my library to find a few pictures that move me. Today is one of those occasions. I hope you enjoy them.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Why didn't Noah just swat those two mosquitoes? 2) Who was the first person to see a cow and think "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out." Methinks it's probably the same person who said "I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes out of that chicken's ass." 3) I think it's weird the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust. 4) The difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale is that a northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..." 5) Panties aren't best thing on earth, but they're right next to it.....and that's five !

Birthdays: My beautiful grandaughter, Joi. Happy Birthday babydoll ! 19XX, John Wilkes Booth, American actor, the assassin of Abraham Lincoln 1838, Sir Thomas Johnstone Lipton, merchant 1850, Fred Astaire, actor and dancer 1899, David O. Selznick, film producer 1902, Milton Babbitt, composer 1916 Bono, singer 1960.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is an old retired navy chief and the other is a young gorgeous blonde. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the old chief and asks, "Can you top that?" The tough old chief replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man entered the bus with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls". Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked. "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

A man pulled into the crowded parking lot at a shopping center and rolled down the car windows a bit to make sure his dog had fresh air. The dog was stretched full-out on the back seat and the man wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. He walked to the curb backward, pointing his finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?Stay! Stay!" The pretty blonde young lady parked in a nearby car gave him a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"

The bartender asked the blonde waitress who had just walked into the bar, "How come you're late?" The blonde explained. "It was terrible! I was walking down Elm street and there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course." The bartender asked, "What did you do?" The blonde said, "I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "That's great! What did you do to get it to run?" He replies, "It was nothing, just shit in the carburetor." She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful so she left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again." The milk man asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes."

That's it for today my little dandy lions. Remember, to err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !