Friday - And Not A minute Too Soon !

It amuses me to no end that politicians, pundits and news reporters are puzzled by the political upsets throughout the nation. I think they just don't understand that voters are saying we are fed up with assholes and and now we are making changes we can believe in.

The Democrats are worried about losing Congress and their jobs, Republicans are worried about the tea party cutting into their base and the Tea Party is voting for anyone, intelligent or not, who replaces incumbents.

The most important message is that "politics as usual" is no longer acceptable and politicians had better start watching how they vote because America is taking names and kicking asses. What a refreshing idea!

The News As I See It: In Delaware, Christine O'Donnell won a huge upset in the primaries, but she has some problems. Karl Rove has accused her of lying. When the guy that told 300 million Americans there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq says you're lying, he knows what he's talking about.

I don't know a lot about Christine O'Donnell, but she has some interesting views. She has come out against masturbation....and you thought the war on drugs was unwinnable.

Democratic Congressman Charlie Rangel easily won his primary. He hasn’t been this happy since he saved all that money by not paying taxes.

Nancy Pelosi’s Republican opponent, John Dennis, has an ad where he depicts Pelosi as the Wicked Witch of the West. Pelosi is very angry and the Wicked Witch is even angrier.

President Obozo spoke to students this week and told them to stay focused and stay in school....mainly, because there are no jobs out there.

Odds and Ends: Mexico celebrated its 200th birthday. They celebrated at their favorite spots...Arizona and Los Angeles. In October, a monument will be unveiled in South Carolina honoring the band Hootie and the Blowfish. No word yet as to why. IHOP, the International House of Pancakes, is suing a church that calls itself the "International House of Prayer." To avoid the lawsuit, the church group will change their name to "Kentucky Fried Christians."

This Date In History: 1787; The Constitution was completed and signed by a majority of the delegates attending the constitutional convention in Philadelphia. 1862; The bloodiest day in U.S. military history occurred at the Battle of Antietam when more than 23,000 were killed or wounded.

1908; Lt. Thomas Selfridge, a passenger in a plane piloted by Orville Wright, became the first airplane fatality when the aircraft crashed. 1920; The American Professional Football Association—a precursor of the NFL—was formed in Canton, Ohio. 1980; Anastasio Somoza Debayle, former president of Nicaragua, was assassinated in Paraguay.

1994; Heather Whitestone of Alabama became the first deaf Miss America. 2004; Barry Bonds became the third baseball player to hit 700 career home runs, joining Hank Aaron and Babe Ruth.

Picture Of The Day: Talk about people with too much time on their hands, this Sunday, September 19, is "International Talk Like a Pirate Day". Celebrations of this "Day" started in 1995 and declared that on this day everyone should talk like a true pirate. The parodic tradition caught on and turned into a yearly holiday, to the great joy of the pirate fans (with the exception of Pittsburgh) all over the world. Here's a particular photoshop picture that amused me.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Fettuccini Alfredo is just macaroni and cheese for adults. 2) I went to the grocery store and bought four apples. The cashier said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "No, I'm a juggler." 3) Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. Pringles said, "Screw it. Cut 'em up and fry 'em!" 4) I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient and I bet I could easily get a job at Mrs. Paul's. 5) I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff......and that's five !

Birthdays: Christian Louis Lange, pacifist 1869, William Carlos Williams, poet and physician 1883, Warren Earl Burger, fifteenth Chief Justice of the United States 1907, Hank Williams, country singer 1923, Anne Bancroft, actress 1931, David H. Souter, Associate Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court (1990—) 1939.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of a John Deere tractor. Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right well, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and, in a classic striptease move, lets his suspenders fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers. Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his cap onto a pile of hay.

A voice says, "What the hell are you doing Mick?" Mick, obviously embarrassed, says, "Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin' bejesus out of me, but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor".

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Pat in the U.K. for her contribution to today's stories.

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died. The father thought, "Holy shit! This kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived and he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it. I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead right in the middle of my lesson!"

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day. This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?" She said, "I love it but I have to stop eating it." The little boy asked, "Why?" She pointed to her lap and said, "Because I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!" The little boy said, "Let me see." She said, "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "Wow, you are! Better not eat any more chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too! " She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her. She said, "Oh, my God, It's too late for you!! You've already got the neck and the gizzards!"

A man from Louisiana walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The man is suitably impressed, and buys it. The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down one tree and it took all damned day!" The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong and the Louisiana man asks, "What's that noise?"

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eys, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

That's it for today my little piccolo players. Remember, when you're stressed out, close your eyes and visualize world peace for an hour. Imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. I'm going out to AREA 51 tonight. I hope the looting doesn't start until real late. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

It's Difficult Being A Female Mexican Sports Reporter In The National Football League

And then there was the case of Ines Sainz, a sports reporter (?) for Mexico's TV Azteca. It seems Miss Sainz had a run in with some of the coaches and players of the New York Jets football team while covering a practice last Saturday. The New York Post reported that Sainz received catcalls in the locker room. Before the alleged locker room incident, the Post also reported that Sainz had footballs thrown in her direction by a Jets coach during practice.

Sainz said in Spanish on Twitter that she was appropriately dressed. Sainz said, "I died of discomfort. I am in the Jets locker room waiting for (quarterback) Mark Sanchez and trying to look what was going on at my sides." Sainz said she'd like to return to the locker room at a later point in the season, but "there are too much masculine hormones" in the room (evidently the amount of feminine hormones were at a satisfactory level).

First and foremost, what little intelligence men have, drops by fifty percent when around women. This number drops considerably lower if the men are professional athletes. As for throwing a football, baseball, Frisbee (whatever) to "accidentally" get nearer to women, this is the oldest trick in the book. Men have (and always will) continually make fools of themselves when there is a woman around.

That said, there is no excuse whatsoever for singling out any person just because he or she may have skin tight clothing on a miraculous body. This is completely unacceptable. Of the thousands of the famous female Mexican football reporters, it is beyond belief why these athletes would behave in such an ungentlemanly manner around this particular reporter..

Furthermore, I am reasonably sure that the lovely Miss Sainz had no idea that there would be sweaty naked athletes in the locker room and that her presence and dress would cause such a furor. Surely Miss Sainz did not think that her body, which she has shyly posted swim suit pictures of on Facebook and MySpace would create such havoc.

I am posting some of the pictures taken from those sites (for the sake of this report only) so that you may decide for yourself. I would also like to apologize on behalf of all men for the insensitive action taken by the New York Jets. To gesture further, I invite Miss Sainz to have dinner with me at her convenience so that I may soothe and allay any fears or worries created by the incident.

The News As I See It: Snooki from "Jersey Shore" was in court the other day and the judge called her a "Lindsay Lohan Wannabe." I'm still trying to figure out who should be more offended.

President Obozo insisted that the U.S. economy is still showing improvement. And he said you can take that to the bank, if you can find any that are still open. According to a new report, 41 of Obozo's staffers now owe the government more than $831,000 in back taxes. When asked if they could just keep avoiding taxes, they said, "Yes we can! Yes we can!"

There was no Koran burning last Saturday. Apparently wingnut pastor, Terry Jones, decided not to burn the Koran when he realized the only copy he had was on his Kindle.

Author's Note: Today's jokes are a bit risque and are rated R-17. You may proceed at your own risk (I know you'll read 'em but just in case.....)

This Date In History: 1789; The U.S. Department of Foreign Affairs changed its name to the Department of State. 1821; Costa Rica, Guatemala, Honduras, Nicaragua, and El Salvador gained independence. 1835; Charles Darwin and the HMS Beagle reached the Galapagos Islands.

1917; Alexander Kerensky proclaimed Russia a republic. 1935; The Nuremberg Laws deprived Jews of their citizenship and made the Swastika the official emblem of Nazi Germany. 1963; A church bombing in Birmingham, Alabama, killed four young black girls.

1989; Pulitzer Prize-winning author Robert Penn Warren, the first poet laureate of the United States, died. 2004; The National Hockey League lockout began. The 2004-2005 season would ultimately be canceled.

Picture Of The Day: Ines Sainz, the sports reporter from Azteca TV, has her pictures plastered on MySpace, Facebook and all over the Internet and I thought I'd show you a few.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A new study found that two-thirds of the world’s penguins are threatened, which begs the question, why do they keep answering the phone? 2) President Obozo is going to release a fun, easy-to-read children’s book. It’s for ages Biden and up. 3) Scotsmen wear kilts because sheep can hear zippers 4) There's no fool like an old fool, but the young ones are coming right along. 5) Today is the first day of the rest of your life - Not exactly beginning with a bang, is it?.....and that's five !

Birthdays: My sweet Miriam, I love you! Happy Birthday Baby 19XX, François de La Rochefoucauld, writer 1613, James Fenimore Cooper, American novelist 1789, William Howard Taft, 27th U.S. president 1857, Bruno Walter, conductor 1876, Agatha Christie, story writer 1890, Jean Renoir, film director, writer 1894, Oliver Stone, filmmaker 1946, Dan Marino, football quarterback 1961.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A woman walks into a hardware store and says, "I want to buy a hinge." The clerk says, "I'll go get one for you, Ma'am." The clerk goes to the rear of the store to get the hinge. When he finds one, he calls out to the woman, "Do you wanna screw for the hinge?" The woman replies, "No, but I'll blow you for a toaster."

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night, waiting for her date. Wanting to make sure everything was perfect, she bends down in her chair to get her purse. Straining to reach the purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up. She sits up quickly, embarrassed and red faced knowing everyone in the place heard her. She turns to the waiter and demands, "Stop that!" The waiter looks at her dryly and says, "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

The mailman said, "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." Bob replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'Who Am I?'"

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?" Bob says, "Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that." Bob says, "It's probably a good thing you did. Your name came up seven times...."

An old drunk at the bar noticed two lovey ladies having a drink and wandered over to their side. He overheard the girls laughing at a joke and said, "If you like jokes, I've got a good one." The first girl said, "Are there any dirty words in the joke?" The drunk said there's one or two, but I'll just say "fork" so that you are not offended."

The women thought about it for a while and the second girl said, "It really doesn't matter to me if you use the F-word, especially if it's funny." The first girl, quite the dowdy, said, "Absolutely not! If you have to use the F-word, please go tell someone else."

The drunk said, "Don't worry ma'am, I just say 'fork' so you get the joke." The first girl said, "No, just use the letter 'F' or go tell someone else." The drunk, now irritated, said, "Ok, I'll just use the 'F' letter." The first girl, pleased, said "Ok, go ahead." The drunk said, "Ok! Two cock-suckers walk into a bar and....."

That's it for today my little road runners. Remember, don't count your chickens and don't blame my cat, Possum. He has an airtight alibi. It's Hump Day and I'm off to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

The Vietnam War: Forgotten Soldiers

I served in the United States Army from 1966 to 1971 and I was trained to be a combat medic. Although I was never sent to Vietnam, I served in various military hospitals in the United States. I was attached to a Army Hospital unit and remained with the same unit until I was discharged.

I saw and treated many Vietnam casualties during that war which saw over 58,000 soldiers killed and over 300,000 soldiers wounded. The war was the first to see wide spread use of guerrilla tactics and also was the first war to never really have a stationary front.

An unpopular war, many soldiers, upon returning to duty in the United States, were the subject of many anti-war protests and disdain. This major lack of respect began to be righted upon the building of the Vietnam Wall in Washington, D.C. and all soldiers and veterans began to finally receive the accolades and respect they deserved.

My generation served during the Vietnam War era. We were asked to serve and serve we did, unquestioning and honorably. If you happen to see any older man or woman the next time you are in public, chances are that they served the United States of America during the Vietnam era or are related or know someone who did. Take the time to remember all of our military forces past and present the next time you take a breath of free, fresh air.

The News As I See It: Grandparents complain that their families don’t call them. But in their family's defense, a lot of the time that people call, grandparents answer the blender.

The preacher in Florida who wanted to burn the Koran has called it off. Instead, he’s just going to rip up a couple copies of "The Watchtower."

In Iran, a woman can be stoned for committing adultery. In the United States, women commit adultery while stoned.

The Chinese government is apparently changing their "one child per family" rule. Now you can have a second kid to work the night shift.

A Playboy centerfold was tackled last week when she tried to open the emergency door on an airplane flight. She must have put up quite a fight because it took all 156 men on board to subdue her.

This Date In History: 1943; Chiang Kai-Shek became president of China. 1948; Republican Margaret Chase Smith of Maine was elected to the U.S. Senate, becoming the first woman to have served in both houses of Congress.

1971; The four-day revolt at the maximum security prison in Attica, New York, ended when state police and National Guardsmen stormed the facility. Forty-two people died. 1993; Israeli Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin and PLO Chairman Yasir Arafat shook hands after signing an historic peace agreement.

Picture Of The Day: The Vietnam Era was obviously on my mind today and it stemmed from recently seeing former high school classmates who, along with myself, served during that time.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A CNN reporter, while interviewing a Marine sniper asked, "What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist?" The Marine shrugged and replied, "Recoil." 2) There's a new disease you can get from sexual partners who own birds. It's called Chirpes. It's a canareal disease, but it's tweetable. 3) If the dove is the bird of peace, then the bird of true love is surely the swallow. 4) A Yankee is the same as a quickie, but it can be done alone. 5) The governor's mansion burned down in Arkansas and damned near took out the whole trailer park.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Annie Oakley, sharpshooter 1860, Alfred Hitchcock, filmmaker 1899, Ben Hogan, golfer 1912, Fidel Castro, Cuban revolutionary, premier of Cuba 1926, Don Ho, entertainer 1930, Midori Ito, figure skater 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A doctor from Israel says, "In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles. we put them into another man and in 6 weeks he is looking for work." The German doctor comments, "Big deal! In Germany we take part of the brain out of a person, we put it into another person's head and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

A Russian doctor says, "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person, we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work." The U.S. doctor answers immediately. "My colleagues, you are way behind us. In the America. We grabbed a person with no brains, no heart, and no balls, made him our president and now the whole country is looking for work!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Cajun for her contribution to today's stories.

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste and the nighttime activities interfered with his rest.

One afternoon an orderly entered the room and said, "Time to take your temperature, General." After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer. The orderly said, "Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end." A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for...and on and on.

The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you" and withdrew. An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare ass in the air and gasped.

The nurse said, "What's going on here?" The general barked, "Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" The nurse replied, "Yes I have, General, but never with a daffodil."

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. His father asked, "So, did you jump?" The son said, "Well, we got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just jumped out of the plane!" The father asked, "Is that when you jumped?" The son answered, "Well no, not yet."

The son continued, "Then, the sergeant started to grab other men and throw them out the door. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass." The son said, "So, did you jump?" The son answered, "Not then."

The said said, "He tried to push me out of the plane, but I refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, 'No, sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out."

The son went on, "He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this baby up where the sun doesn't shine.'" The father said, "So, did you jump?" The son said, "Well, a little, at first."

A soldier serving overseas, far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "Regret I cannot remember which one is you. Please keep your photo and return the others."

That's it for today my little butterflies. Remember, all the world is merely a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Remembering The Victims Of September 11th

Tomorrow marks the ninth anniversary of the September 11th terrorist attack on the World Trade Center. For almost a decade, the annual commemoration has been seen as a day of national unity and sober remembrance. This year, contentious issues of religious freedom and national identity threaten to color the ninth anniversary of those tragic events.

Controversies over calls to burn the Koran and an ongoing debate over a proposed mosque and Islamic cultural center near Ground Zero in New York are drawing particular attention, sparking questions about how 9-11 became so politicized.

Pastor Terry Jones, a wingnut serving a congregation of less than 50 followers, had planned to burn copies of the Koran tomorrow. At the time of this post, these plans have been changed and for now, the copies will not be burned. The media has given this idiot way too much press. Muslim leaders should be wise enough to recognize that every village has an idiot. They should downplay Jones' actions and words and advise their followers to consider the source and forget it.

The controversy over the proposed mosque near Ground Zero, on the other hand, is still alive and well. Soledad O'Brien interviewed Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf on Larry King Live. When asked about moving the mosque to spot away from Ground Zero, Rauf said, "If we move from that location, the story will be that radicals have taken over the discourse. The headlines in the Muslim world will be that Islam is under attack. If we don't do this right, anger will explode in the Muslim world."

Whether the Imam's use of the word "explode" was merely a very poor choice of words or a thinly veiled threat remains to be seen. The bottom line is that supposedly intelligent leaders from all parties and religions should get together and come to a decision to defuse and resolve this problem. It is my opinion that no site should be built by anyone near any memorial that would cause controversy.

My hopes are that everyone will take the time tomorrow to reflect and remember the victims of the World Trade Center tragedy.

The News As I See It: President Obozo was in Cleveland pitching his latest economic plan. He picked Cleveland because those are the Browns fans, and in September, they'll believe anything. There was one awkward moment when the speech ended at lunch time. 9.6 percent of the people had no job to go back to.

Obozo has introduced a $50 billion plan to rebuild the nation's infrastructure. Now, let's think back, remember the first $187 billion stimulus package, wasn't that what that was supposed to do? Remember when we were told about what were called shovel-ready jobs? Whenever Washington talks about shovel-ready jobs, get your shovel ready!

Hillary Clinton opened the Middle East peace talks and said, "People with a history of conflict can learn to live together." And believe me, she knows what she's talking about.

A teacher has been jailed for six months for assigning her students masturbation as homework. What is happening to our education system? Remember when teachers cared enough to have sex with students personally?

This Date In History: 1813; Oliver H. Perry sent his famous message, "We have met the enemy, and they are ours," after defeating the British in the Battle of Lake Erie in the War of 1812. 1846; Elias Howe of Massachusetts received a patent for his sewing machine.

1939; Canada declared war on Germany, entering WWII. 1963; Twenty black students entered public schools in Birmingham, Mobile, and Tuskegee, Alabama, after President John F. Kennedy sent National Guardsman to end the standoff with Alabama Governor George Wallace.

1988; Steffi Graf achieved tennis' first Grand Slam since Margaret Court in 1970 by winning the U.S. Open women's final. 2002; Switzerland became the 190th member of the United Nations.

Picture Of The Day: Over the years, I have always accompanied my 9-11 anniversary post with pictures of the tragedy. Other than the picture showing the view of the Statue of Liberty with the destruction and smoke in the background, today's pictures are meant to be more thoughtful and moving. God Bless America!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I think someone should open a restaurant that is set up like a big buffet in the shape of a Ouija board. Then you could think about what kind of food you want and your table would move across the floor to it. 2) Have you ever wondered where workers at a fire hydrant factory park? 3) When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was reading it and it said, "Day 1 - Still tired from the move. Day 2 - Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot. 4) My friend bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. He turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day he could only stutter in Spanish. 5) Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes......and that's five !

Birthdays: Arnold Palmer, golfer 1929, Charles Kuralt, television news reporter 1934, Roger Maris, baseball player 1934, Stephen Jay Gould, paleontologist and science writer 1941, Amy Irving, actress 1953, Colin Firth, actor 1960, Randy Johnson, baseball player 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An old man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says, "Your butt is getting really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue." With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. He said, "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!"

The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. The man asks, "What's wrong?" His wife answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

After eight days of backpacking with his wife, the pair were looking pretty scruffy. The final morning, she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles and said, "Darling, does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?" The man thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal, Wally, for his contribution to today's stories.

A man was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The biker says, "Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" The man burst into tears and the biker says, "Come on, man, I didn't think you'd cry. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

The man says, "This is the worst day of my life. I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me."

The man continued, "So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you, asshole, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

A preacher was giving his usual Sunday sermon when a young woman in the balcony, taken up by the moment, slipped and fell over the rail. Fortunately, she managed to grasp the railing with one hand and dangerously dangled there. Unfortunately, the mini skirt she was wearing rode up to her waist, entirely exposing the front of her young body.

The preacher, heavily involved in the final throes of his sermon, saw the young woman with everything exposed, dangling by one hand. He was concerned and worried that the spectacle not only might effect his sermon, but also the money that the church would make when they passed the collection plates.

The preacher quickly motioned to his deacon to go up and rescue the girl and nervously hurried to finish his sermon and start the collections. He saw that some of the males in the congregation had noticed the commotion and were feasting their eyes on the spectacle.

Fearful that this would ruin everything, he exclaimed, "We have a minor emergency which shall be rectified shortly. Sister Jones has slipped from the balcony and his hanging there by one hand. Her private parts are exposed and if any member of the congregation turns around to look at poor sister Jones, The lord will make them go blind."

An old man in the front pew of the church stood up, put his hand over his left eye and exclaimed, "I'm gonna take a chance on one eye!"

A blonde was standing on the river bank looking confused when she spotted another blonde across the river. The first blonde shouts to the other, "How do I get to the other side?" The second blonde shouts back, "You are on the other side!"

That's it for today my little Klondike bars. Remember, a lot of people have heard opportunity knocking at the door, but by the time they unlocked the chain, pushed back the bolt, turned two locks, and shut off the burglar alarm, it was gone. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for Happy Hour, Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Once Upon A Time There Was A Republican And A Democrat.....

The new political ads are out and it's business (and name calling) as usual. I'm occasionally cynical about some of the things I see and hear on TV and although I'm not always on point, a lot of things turn out to be either untrue or badly spun, especially by politicians.

Barry Obozo's got a new shuck and jive act timed specifically for the November elections. In many states and political races, they're electing governors, senators and congress people. If they only ran the audio and didn't mention the candidate's name, all the speeches would sound the same.

It dawned on me today that all of these political speeches are nothing more than fairy tales, with a cruel twist. The tall tales and empty promises that the candidates shove down our throats are neatly spun. Once elected, all of the promises fall aimlessly to the ground the same way the beanstalk fell when Jack chopped it down .

Maybe in November the tides will turn. but then again, will the new replacements be any better than the liars and thieves that are voted out? Only time will tell. In the interim, and with the help of my pal, Julie, I have taken the poetic license to show you how some fairy tales might have turned out if the characters were the end result of political promises. I think you'll be able to figure out each Fairy tale by the picture.....

The News As I See It: It’s rumored that White House gatecrasher Michaele Salahi is going to pose nude in Playboy. Salahi said her main motivation for posing in Playboy is the fact that no one’s invited her to.

Hillary Clinton is denying rumors that she will replace Joe Biden as the Vice President in 2012. It's fun to have a Clinton denying stuff again.

The Department of Labor has launched a new website to help unemployed Americans. President Obama said the website is amazing and he can’t wait to check it out in two years.

Police were forced to escort three fans out of the U.S. Open after a brawl broke out. When is this wealthy-white-guy-on-wealthy-white-guy violence going to end?

U.S. commanders in Afghanistan are ending their zero-tolerance policy on corruption and allowing local officials who are on our side to be "moderately" corrupt. It’s the same policy we have in Congress.

There was a 75 mile-long traffic jam in China. It was so bad, kids could barely get to work.

This Date In History: 1900; A hurricane struck Galveston, Texas, killing about 8,000 people. 1935; Louisiana Senator Huey P. Long, "The Kingfish," was shot and mortally wounded by Dr. Carl Austin Weiss, Jr. 1951; The San Francisco Peace Treaty was signed, formally ending World War II hostilities with Japan. 1952; Ernest Hemingway's Old Man and the Sea was published.

1966; Star Trek premiered on television. 1974; President Gerald Ford gave former President Nixon a full pardon for all federal crimes he may have committed while he was in office. 1998; Mark McGwire's 62nd home run broke Roger Maris's record of 61 homers set in 1961.

Picture Of The Day: My thanks to my pal Julie for today's fairy tale pictures. Maybe in real life, this is the way the stories would have ended.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! 2) If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child. 3) The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less. 4) If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the situation. 5) Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Richard I, king of England (1189-99); third son of Henry II and Eleanor of Aquitaine 1157, Antonín Dvorák, composer 1841, Sid Caesar, comedian 1922, Peter Sellers, actor 1925, Patsy Cline, country musician 1932,
Ann Beattie, writer 1947.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "He's a midget."

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store, approached the saleslady in lingerie and asked, "Do you have a size 28AAA bra?" The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner.

After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart. Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?" The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A large company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to demonstrate his decision making ability and wanted to immediately take action to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $300 a week. Why?" The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now get the hell out of here!"

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?" From across the room came a voice, "Yeah, he's the delivery guy from Domino's Pizza."

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules, "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member).

A wise-cracking male student pipes up, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?" The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with, "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?" A child answers, "A horsy." The teacher asks, "And this?" Another youngster replies, "A piggy." The teacher holds up a picture of a male deer with antlers and asks, "And now this one?"

There was no answer, only total silence. "Come now, children, I'll give you a little hint. What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot? One little girl exclaims, "I know! I know!! It's a horny bastard!"

That's it for today my little turnip greens. Remember, when tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. It's Hump Day and I'm heading to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !